Do you really need all of the gauges in your car? As an enthusiast, you naturally think that you must have something like a voltmeter, but how often do you really look at it? Likely never; one day the alternator just ceases to make electricity. Can you honestly say that you watch the oil pressure gauge every mile that you drive? Probably not. Many gauges and warnings are superfluous for daily driving, but we’ve seen a few instruments installed in cars that are truly useless.
Last week, Thomas showed us a gauge for the Mini convertible called the Openometer that tracks how much time you’ve spent with the top down.
There’s really no point to this gauge beyond being just a cutesy instrument equivalent to a LIVE LAUGH LOVE sign.
sources: Mini via The Autopian
However, as superflous as that Openometer is, I think I might have found a sillier one. This rather absurd gauge exists in an otherwise outstanding car.
source: Blackhawk Collection
Despite the increased respect shown to the suicide-door Lincoln Continentals, they are still underappreciated in my opinion. Clean, enigmatic designs, and cool in a totally unironic way. Continentals were for buyers that knew the Cadillac offered more flash for your cash and wanted none of that, thank you very much. These beautiful Lincolns were crafted with truly outstanding quality, and arguably represented one of the last times when America built a world class car that honestly put the likes of Rolls Royce and Mercedes to shame. There’s a reason for the quality. Apparently, there were sixteen separate inspectors looking at finished cars, as well as a one hour road test of every car coming off the line on a twelve mile test loop. However, my favorite critical inspection is described below:
Every electrical accessory was tested, right down to the amount of pressure it took to engage the cigarette lighter. And that cigarette lighter had to heat up and pop out ready to use in a specified amount of time as well (Automotive Mileposts)
So I am guessing that they seriously had a guy with a stopwatch timing the heating cycle of the cigarette lighter (actually, my count has the car with at least three lighters). I mean, it was the sixties, so cigarette lighter performance was paramount!
source: Ford Motor Company via Automotive Mileposts
Anyway, we’re getting sidetracked- back to the ridiculous gauge on this Lincoln. While most American cars of this era had few instruments beyond the speedometer and fuel level, the 1964 and 1965 model years of this Continental seem to offer plenty of gauges to monitor everything. Take a look below. There is even what looks like a tiny vertical tachometer dead center above the steering column with some weird markings on it. LO to HI? Huh?
source: Mecum (car for sale)
No, wait, my mistake. That isn’t a tach; it’s a gauge for the steering wheel position. It’s true. Wikipedia confirms it:
A somewhat rare and unusual option for 1964–1965 was the vertically adjustable steering column. Unlike most tilt-adjustable columns that employ a lever-activated locking pivot joint just behind the steering wheel the Lincoln version employed a vacuum-actuated clamp, a dash-mounted height indicator window and a pivot point much further down the column (Wikipedia)
So a ‘dash mounted height indicator window’ for… the steering wheel? I mean, to be honest, do you really need a tach in an automatic-transmissioned car with a 460V8 that probably makes peak power at like 2000RPM? You don’t, but to have an illuminated gauge to tell me the steering wheel is in Position 3 seems a bit, well, unnecessary.
These odd gauges got me thinking about what other strange, ridiculous, but ultimately useful indicators and warnings we could add to a car today. Here’s a few idea starters below:
Let’s get a closer look:
1.Depreciation Gauge This gauge changes based on not just the market value of your vehicle but also how much you hoon it. There are also lights above the gauge wired into your bank to let you know if you are upside down on your loan, and possibly even a second light that blinks if you are late on a payment. Eventually, the value gauge goes to zero or, in the case of older BMWs, it goes negative and tells you how much you need to pay someone to take it off of your hands.
2. You-Forget-To-Shut-The-Gas-Cap-Again Warning Lamp Yeah, most cars give the old ‘Door Ajar’ warning, but I’m more concerned about my gas (or electric plug) door sticking open in traffic (and likely the gas cap hanging down from the now-unsealed tank). Most people won’t yell or beep at you these days to tell you, assuming you’ll give the finger or go into road rage mode before realizing they’re trying to help, so this light would do the trick.
3. Roof Objects Warning Lamp The roof of your car is great place to leave items like your coffee or briefcase while you tie your shoe or talk to a coworker. The roof of your car is not a good place to leave such items once you start driving away. This warning light is wired to sensors that prevent you from not knowing remembering that you left something up there. Sure, cars now tell you to CHECK BACK SEAT to not leave a kid behind, but what about your Grande Macchiato on the roof?
[Editor’s Note: I hope I can get one of these retro-fitted to my car:
The content we crave. https://t.co/h72QaQbHTy
— The Autopian (@the_autopian) February 19, 2023
— JT]
4. Ashtray Full Warning Lamp Even if you don’t smoke, the ashtrays are often stuffed with lollipop sticks and gum wrappers, and you don’t even know it! How embarrassing! This warning light solves that issue by letting you know right away when it’s time to do a dump.
5. Undesirable Temperature Beverage Warning Lamp You go to grab that beverage in the cup holder, but don’t realize that’s cold coffee or a bath-water-temp Diet Coke. Worse yet, it’s still-magma-hot tea that will burn you. Thermal sensor wired to this warning light let you know if the drink of choice is not suitable for consumption.
6. Elapsed Time Since Last Call To Mom Gauge You’re stuck in the car, nowhere to go, and you have Bluetooth on your phone. You know you should call Mom but would just rather chill and listen to your podcast or some banging old skool WuTang shit. This gauge tells you how long it’s been since you last called and if you need to bite the bullet, dial her up, and hear her vent about Aunt Janet and ask again if you got that colonoscopy yet.
7. Available Car Parts Sensor Warning Lamp Wired into your OBDII system, this light is also connected to the onboard GPS and a real-time Craigslist feed to illuminate whenever you are within half a mile of any used part for sale that you might be in need of. For example, the ECU knows that your rear windows won’t roll down, but there’s a car identical to your make, model, and year available ‘for parts’ within walking distance of your current location. Warning light illuminates! Or, if if the Craigslist monitor senses upgrade parts, like a cool set of M5 wheels available (and you’re rolling on those dull BBS stock things that are impossible to clean), it illuminates.
I know that there are more lights and gauges like this that could be a great addition to any car- can you Autopians think of some?
The Way These Oil Pressure Gauges Are Labeled Seems Bonkers – The Autopian
I just want automakers to bring back the ball chiller vent.
And yes, I abso-freaking-lutely and constantly checking on oil pressure and bolts in my cars. Because shitbox.
Our ’89 Voyager happened to have a nifty feature. It’s AM/FM display would occasionally and randomly dim, and then go completely dark. The nifty part was this: it could be revived with a simple sharp WHACK! to its face.
I found it wonderfully therapeutic to have, in my daily life, something which was so easily and dramatically fixed. Every car should at least offer the option.
I want the car to sing a celebratory tune whenever its odometer matches any pattern in a customizable list:
– n000000
– nnnnnn
– nmnmnm
– 515195.2 [my birth date]
– 927197.7 [our wedding date]
etc.
8008135 on the odo
Gauges and instruments are the cowbell of auto design. You always want more cowbell.
Here are two I’d like to suggest:
1. Loose change sensor and gauge. This one would detect all change that’s fallen under the seats and accumulated in ashtrays, center consoles, drink holders, etc. It offers a graphic depiction of coin locations along with a running value total so you’d know whether it’s worth digging under the seats yet or not.
2. The Asshole Warning Light. This illuminates when you are driving like an asshole and blinks with increasing frequency the longer you act like an asshole. This would be mandatory in all vehicles. You’d think people would know when they’re driving like an asshole, but apparently not because I see them everywhere. I mean, everywhere! This might not deter any assholes, but at least they’d know. And I wouldn’t have to scream myself hoarse trying to inform them. Huh? What’s that flashing light?
Oh, the asshole light would be quite the eye-opener. I have to admit, sometimes I’m the asshole and just don’t realize it up front.
I’m late to the party but I’ve got a good one, that’s perfectly redundant:
An indicator light next to each turn signal that illuminates when you *should* be using your turn signal. Perhaps linked to your GPS. This is just for BMWs.
In case this needs clarification: they’re lights next to your turn signal arrow lights within your instrument cluster
I now want a tilt wheel indicator. If I can have a sleep number, why not this? I could use a swear counter for every time I bless my fellow drivers. If I transferred a dollar to my car loan for every swear my car would be paid off in a year.
It would be cool to have a draft-ometer to tell me how effectively I’m utilizing the ahead vehicle’s draft on the highway.
The car knows what fuel economy it is expecting at a certain speed/slope/payload, it compares that to the current fuel economy and shows you in percent better than expected. Always wondered how much better it was to be behind the SUV vs. the white whale which is the unladen semitruck
I like this. Watching too much NASCAR has made me always think about this on long highway drives (“Is this the time to get out from the line and make a break for the lead?”)
A citroen-like braking distance gauge. very handy.
Sunroof open indicator with audio alarm if you exit car with it open. Nothing worse than the did-i-turn-off-the-stove feeling when you are a mile away from the car and you can hear an approaching storm.
Likewise, an alarm if you leave the rear window on your truck open. It’s easy to do and you could easily end up with a swimming pool in your cab if it rains overnight.
My 4Runner does have the sunroof open alarm. As I live in Arizona part of the year, I intentionally leave it open at times to so it’s not eleventybillion degrees in there upon return.
KevFC- yes! I know that on the e39 which I sold to Mercedes Streeter it was VERY easy to accidentally nudge the rear power window buttons on exiting the car (and they stayed live for like 30 seconds or so after the ignition was turned off) which caused a wet rear footwell in rainstorms once we stopped garaging that car.
I have a 1989 LaForza, and when you turn the car off the sunroof automatically closes. It can be annoying when you want to leave the sunroof open… but it is such an odd feature for a low volume generally low tech car to have that I enjoy its existence. And it does prevent sunroof open worries!
Baroomometer – tells you the number of hours left till the bars close, or alternately the number of hours till they open again.
For some reason, this article reminds me of an old Mad Magazine article about car safety features: https://www.curbsideclassic.com/blog/cc-humor/cc-humor-mad-about-safety/
The depreciation gauge is genius and should be on every car/truck/boat/sled/jet ski/ATV/Changli.
mber- do you REALLY want to know? That’s sort of like if there was a gauge that said how much of your life was left.
Doesn’t your birth certificate have an expiration date like mine does?
On the next episode of Black Mirror …
I’d dig a “How many times your door handle was tugged on in the middle of the night” gauge.
Or a counter gage that shows how many times the car has been to a shop/on a lift.
But most importantly, let’s get a gauge that shows how many times the back seat has hosted a love-making session.
I feel like there’s a lot of overlap between gages 1 and 3 in your list.
[Klaxon] “Arthropod detected in cabin”
[Star Trek red alert sound] “Arthropod detected in engine bay”
Mr Drysdale just checking up on the Clampetts needs a Jethro warning light.
What I’d really like is some kind of gauge that futuristically telegraphs something humdrum like the vehicle being at full operating temp, preferably with both visual and audio cues.
Whether it’s Gaff’s spinner in Blade Runner (ENVIRON CTR – PURGE) or the police cars in THX 1138 with their bar graph temp gauge telling Robert Duval the jet turbine has cooled enough to restart & escape the android police officers, I feel this seemingly promised bit of projected cool from late 20th century scifi hasn’t been delivered yet in the 21st.
And yeah, I know you’ll tell me I’m outta luck since Pontiac is no longer in business, but still…
My dad’s 1959 Oldsmobile had a green light that came on at start up and blinked off when the car was at operating temperature. In the winter he would never turn on the heat until that light was off.
Thank heaven I don’t have a depreciation gauge in my Fiesta ST, at least one that goes down when I hoon the car. I think I’d already be in negative digits.
The gas cap and rooftop item detectors would actually be super useful. The gas cap one especially so if you have a car that will throw a check engine light when the fuel system isn’t adequately pressurized.
I would also love the “call mom” gauge. I actually want to talk to my mom, just sometimes I get busy and take longer between calls than I should.
My mother is my call mom gauge. She will certainly let me know if she hasn’t heard from me often enough.
I believe a modern car will already give you a CEL if your gas cap is not in place.
Other fun gauges/capabilities:
The Crown Vic had a separate idiot light for the gas cap. I assume it was to mitigate police cruisers from being pulled from service due to the check engine light coming on
A.Barth- actually I was referring more to the gas (or electric) door itself, which is a bigger pain since there’s never any warning for that. Though typically if the door is open, the cap is off, and in worst cases the gas pump handle is in there with a hose hanging out
Interestingly, I believe my PHEV warns for both gas and electric doors. I’ll have to check the fuel door, but I know it warns for the electric. It would be really weird if it didn’t warn for the fuel door, given that there is a risk of a nozzle, while there is a separate warning and immobilizer for still being plugged in.
Yup our current PHEV has the charge port open warning, don’t know about the fuel door though since it hasn’t been left open, to my knowledge, since it is rarely used, but since it is automated I bet it does, I’ll have to check.
A. Barth- I know that the Land Cruiser LX 570 has the spare tire included in the tire pressure indicators. Of course, our old VW Squareback and VW 412 you knew the spare was low when the windshield washer stopped working since that was powered by spare tire pressure.
Thanks for the info on the LX570 – I did not know that.
Yeah, I had a ’72 Super Beetle and a ’73 Squareback and recall those gems. 🙂
Our 03 Mountaineer has 5 sensors and will aleart that the spare is low, but won’t tell you the specific in use one that is low. (the signal is transmitted more frequently if the wheel spins.
How about the “Its night and you’re driving with only the DRL’s on warning?” I don’t see how we can have new cars these days that even allow this to occur, because I bet they have dusk sensing lights, except they aren’t in that position– but I see it constantly– people driving at night with no lights on except some dim DRL’s out the front– because the dash is lit up. This warning light would actually be…if it’s night and your lights aren’t on, the dashboard is dark, except for a message that says Turn on your lights, dummy.
A million times yes. This is a plague in urban areas esp where there are plenty of streetlights, so some drivers unconsciously must think “I can see things, all must be okay,” never realizing headlights serve other very important purposes.
And all modern cars are gray, so they just blend into the murky twilight haze.
Alternatively, they drive around 24×7 with their high beams on, completely clueless.
I have regular height cars, so these days, I can never be sure if they’re driving around with their blue squid high beams blazing, or if it’s just that their regular beams are now situated high enough to blind me. Sigh.
Jack- absolutely. It really comes down to gauges being illuminated all of the time now and daytime running lights providing almost enough light to see at night. Honestly, it makes more sense to do what Sweden and some other far north nations do by requiring the headlights to be on all of the time.
More importantly, especially in this fine establishment, no headlights = no taillights.
In the last few years, I’ve really come to appreciate the genius that was mandating reflectors. For years of driving, I never really gave them any thought at all b/c no real reason to, but now, I’m grateful for such a simple thing to help mitigate at least little the really annoying situation we’re in now.
And I love to think that whoever first thought of them probably imagined them being useful for illuminating parked, unpowered vehicles, never realizing the second wind they’d get in our era.
Most new cars have automatic headlights. Many default to the automatic setting and one must twist a momentary switch to disable them. (GM, I’m looking at you.) Auto-headlights should solve this, right? Unfortunately the sensor for this function measures ambient light, not visibility. As a result you have an automatic function teaching humans to ignore their headlights. These are the people driving around in high ambient/low visibility situations like fog, rain, dusk/dawn, parking garages, etc. without their headlights and taillights illuminated, rendering them neatly invisible.
In my Golfs with auto headlights, there is an adjustment to make them come on “early”, “normal”, or “late”. Depending on the settings, it’s either accessible through the head unit, or a programmer like OBD11. On no setting will the lights turn on in most rainy/cloudy conditions. Drives me nuts, because I really like auto headlights.
Can’t we just have a wipers on = headlights on solution? It’s a law that you do this (in most states, I think) but not a law for manufacturers to trigger that relay when the wipers come on?
I have several Ford products that have auto lights with wipers, they all have auto lights, but interestingly the 03 Mountaineer doesn’t while the 02 Grand Marquis my son now has does.
The 1998 Civic came with this. They put in a sensor to tell you to turn your lights on but did not make it capable of turning your lights on.
Typically this is done by people who have turned the auto-headlight setting off for some reason – because they need to be in control or something.
On GM vehicles, it defaults to “Auto” and when you turn off auto lights, it only works for that key cycle. I have seen people who have gone out of their way to remove the spring in this and make it an actual position so they can “not have the lights constantly turning on and off”, which they absolutely do not do.
So, in most cases, this is actual driver error, having manually turned off the automatic headlights.
Appropriate speed gauge: detects your lane, driving conditions, and passing traffic to let you know the appropriate speed.
In many cars, this can be replaced with a left lane warning light that lets you know you are at or below the speed limit in the left lane. In Buicks, it just lights up whenever you are in the left lane.
An increment display counting how many lane changes a car has made since last using its signals. Illumination gradually gets brighter/redder as the number increases accompanied by a bell for values over 13.
We’ll see BMW interiors glowing like the sun with ridiculous stereo volumes to drown out the bell. It won’t be much different than their screens and stereos now.
Exceedingly pedantic note, but the 460 didn’t come along until 1968. For the 64-65 cars noted, the engine was a 430 ci MEL (Mercury Edsel Lincoln).
Fart Detector. Recognizes the concentration of methane in the cabin to let you know when to vent effluence with the windows, or appropriate vents.
Measured per seat, so there can be no lying about who dealt it.
But seriously … a big red button that you wack when you are suddenly behind a stinky diesel garbage truck or city bus. The button would immediately close all windows, sunroof, outside ventilation air. Wack again to revert.
I just need a light to let me know if all 3 dogs are in the car as one likes to hide and I worry that I have left her behind
You are totally correct wit this statement :
Most people won’t yell or beep at you these days to tell you, assuming you’ll give the finger or go into road rage mode before realizing they’re trying to help, so this light would do the trick.
But I do it anyway. I will tell someone that they have a low tire or brake light out, and when ever I do, I see the look of “what does this asshole want? on their face. it’s fun watching it melt away when I’m being helpful.
Good one. I used to be that guy who would let others know that they had brake lights out, or non functional blinkers. Then one day I realized that most folks really didn’t care or give a shit. Life in a 3rd world state is a challenge. Alabama sucks a lot sometimes.
I’ve given up trying to be helpful like that – the last time I noted a nearly flat tire to a woman who parked next to me, she snarled that she’d checked the pressure the night before & it was fine.
OK lady, GFY. Enjoy buying more tires more often than you should.
Worst part of that is that by the time modern tires actually look flat, they have like 5 psi of air in them. You can be down 10-15 psi and the stiffer sidewalls will never betray it.