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Why is there no discussion of the yellowish jug behind the expired milk? D:
I lost power for nearly 66 hours this week and I don’t even have the scariest fridge I know. Congrats, David! I don’t want to smell the milk.
I was already on the fence about becoming a member, but my brain convinced me that I needed to read about this depravity and degeneracy. Damn you Matt, you’re good.
I’m quite disappointed that I can’t make this despite being a Metro Detroit local (had a bachelor party in northern Michigan). I would’ve been thrilled to meet Torch, David and Mercedes, and see the house of misfit Jeeps and accompanying squalor firsthand. Someone please take lots of pictures and do a write up. I’m extremely curious whether David will get his security deposit back (my guess is no, lol).
Of course I arrive in Detroit for work two days later… womp womp.
Fyre Fest was the biggest shitshow party in all of history.
Autopian: Hold my beer
TBH, this should have been named “Tyre Fest”. How did the readership miss that opportunity?
No running water? Good thing I’m too far away to attend. With all of the mileage I put on my velomobiles, I eat, drink, and excrete like a horse, so the circumstance of no working plumbing would not be very accommodating to my presence, unless you want me bothering your landlord or neighbors for their facilities or leaving unpleasantries in your landlord’s yard like a dog. Yeah, no bueno. I can go through a 2 lb bag of almonds, an 8 oz box of raisins, and two gallons of water in a 150 mile ride, so I’ll leave to your imagination the consequences of that. Although if I did attend, I’d bring plenty of intoxicants for those who wish to imbibe in them, and a wide assortment, at that. No offense intended to all you squares, but that’s how I roll.
I look forward to the writeup of the events. Sounds like some wild times. Best of luck with the move. I like how the Rich Corinthian Leathers get to park on the lawn, like the common stereotype for the Latinos of the U.S.(Nothing against anyone of any race, I just find stereotypes funny and the explicit mention of this privilege reminded me of one). Are lawn jobs permitted?
Whoever shows up with some buckets filled with kitty litter will be a hero.
I’ll be sleeping on the floor there tomorrow night, so everybody keep me in your prayers I guess lol.
I’m flying in from Mississippi, anybody coming from further away?
Detroit is only a two and a half hour flight…
Maybe I should. No, no, I shouldn’t.
Hey it’s a nine hour flight for me and I considered it.
But then I realised I might get roped into helping him pack or move. And i don’t do manual labor.
Are you into blood magick by chance? If so, you could make a sigil of safe travel to David in his journey.
Gonna need to buy a hazmat suit before I go
Don’t bother. There’s probably at least one mixed in somewhere with all that other stuff, unused. Unused, that is, for its purpose as a hazmat suit.
He wore it to go get take out because he had no other clean clothes.
David wouldn’t bother with clean clothes for picking up takeout.
Attending a wedding? Hazmat, definitely.
Let’s back up a moment here.
David, a man who has lived in the Midwest for his whole life and an ENGINEER who worked on COOLING SYSTEMS, decided to turn off his heat but not turn off the water and drain his pipes in the middle of winter in the greater-Detroit metropolitan area?
I’m just going to state what we knew already. You are not getting that security deposit back.
This is… jesus, this is making way too much sense.
David, how did your pipes freeze? WTF, man?
If you go back and read David’s stuff carefully you will see hints that he just might fall into the category of “dumb smart person”
David’s fridge:
https://youtu.be/ErM9n-dSkp4
I’m both very scared and intrigued by this party. I’m still curious how this backyard parking is going to work for most. There’s still 4-5 inches of snow on the ground at my place (just about 5 miles from the party headquarters) so unless everyone has a 4WD it could get really interesting back in that yard. Sounds like when we are hooking up our tow straps later in the evening we may need to avoid the yellow snow.
There’s nothing to worry about. David has a 4WD Grand Cherokee that is just a few hundred manhours away from being operational
With a hundred or so people at the party, that means it can be fixed in just a few hours.
The ghost of Fred Brooks is going to haunt you now.
I would advise making sure your insurance policies are current……. lol
Also:
Make sure your policy doesn’t exclude “willfully reckless actions actions on the part of the insured” – like visiting a Superfund* site:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Superfund_sites_in_Michigan
(Note – I am sure of David’s address so I don’t now which of these is his place)
Or drinking Malort – pretty sure that most policies exclude that for sure.
* “The CERCLA federal law of 1980 authorized the United States Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) to create a list of polluted locations requiring a long-term response to clean up hazardous material contaminations.[1] These locations are known as Superfund sites, and are placed on the National Priorities List (NPL).
Adrian Clarke took the words right out of my mouth. We can focus on year old expired milk but we can’t ignore the fact that he has MULTIPLE expired milks. Good lord DT!
I hope everyone has all their shots if they’re going to the party because I am scared for all of you. Also can’t wait to hear what you guys write about the party.
The fact that he bought a replacement milk tells you he knew the milk was bad
MULTIPLE replacements. I wonder if he ever grabbed the wrong one and took a swig (you know he probably doesn’t even own a glass to pour it into).
This may not mean he knew the milk was bad; this may just mean he forgot he already had milk. Repeatedly.
I’m thinking this party requires a video and a live podcast for autopian subscribers who can’t make it.
Or maybe not if you don’t want to leave evidence.
Look even closer and you will see multiple types of milk – 2%, whole, etc. WTF? Does David operate on different “weights” depending on the time of year like a car does with motor oil?
To be fair, I kind of do the same thing, I just buy whatever milk has the furthest out expiration date, sometimes skim, sometimes 2%, whatever. Of course, I don’t have all of them in the fridge at the same time
Is it weird that I’m more concerned about the frozen water lines? I slept in a dark, cold house all week because I was concerned about a burst.
Like, at least make an attempt to get some deposit cash back. You might be able to buy a whole ‘nother $1 Alero!
A free exhaust manifold for anyone willing to do a shot of the year-old milk! The party is shaping up to be Epic. There’s just nothing like a good spectacle, and this sounds like it’s about to deliver. So much tetanus, chances at food poisoning, and probably a large number of random car parts to sprain an ankle while tripping over. Wish I could be there (seriously)! Unfortunately, my marching orders this week included a Monday deadline for the animation I’m working on, which is still rendering as I type this. Also, the Caddy I was planning to drive sprung a pretty nasty oil leak that I haven’t had a chance to look at yet. Granted, that just meant I was going to take my Spark if time allowed (it’s a roughly nine-hour trip), which sounds like it would’ve been the better choice anyway based on the parking situation. Have an absolute blast!
That hole would have to be deep for the results. Probably deeper than a hardware store shovel could excavate from frozen ground.
Keep an eye out for Catalytic Converter thieves. This sounds like an auto oceans eleven. Without the hot women and beautiful scenery.
Before rushing to judge, I think we should give David a great deal of credit for thinking to ask others about the implications of the water situation.
If you arrive before I consume most of it, readers can enjoy Malort, a glorious taste of Chicago! Expect a taste similar to that of a burned condom covered in gasoline.
If he doesn’t have running water, you are just asking for problems by getting unsuspecting folks to drink Malort.
I mean, even more problems than usually accompany Malort.
I bought a bottle just based on the reputation a year and a half ago, and still have not managed to convince myself to open it.
Sounds like a great idea to give to someone as a gift.
I did! I actually bought my bottle as a second as I was giving a gift to someone who had spent some time in Chicago. She loved it.
I have a bottle from the ’90s somewhere. Has nearly all of it still in there. :-/
I mixed it with Peach Twisted Tea at the last Gambler I did. That wasn’t bad.
Nothing that starts with “mal” could be bad… :-O
Sounds like quite the white russian variant could be made with that, some Kalúa, and a solid pour of the year-old milk. Call it a Rusty Tracy.
cotd
I hear tell there is a special cocktail in the works, concocted by Laurence, and christened the “Death Wobble” by me. It does contain milk. I assume, perhaps wrongly, that David will pick up a fresh gallon for the occasion.
Back when I was in my twenties and hanging out with an aggressively mediocre group of friends, I would choose Malort when it was my turn to buy a round of shots at the bar.
Those people are no longer in my life.
“I’ll have another.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7s16ewP1RU
That scene in Drinking Buddies was filmed at my friend’s bar! Which was probably also the first (and last) place I ever had Malort.
Mercedes, it’d be an honor to do a shot with you!
Ok, I’ve tried a lot of different concoctions, never even heard of Malort, so looked it up. Suntimes set me straight with reader descriptions. Thoughts and prayers for you all.
Oh, I’m not even going to ask….
I wonder if we could sneak in random parts and cars without him noticing?
“When the h-e-double hockey sticks did I buy a wrecked F-350?”
These are all great ideas.
I am planning on going to the junkyard, and maybe skipping the house party if Dave seems like he’s too stressed out over it so as not to add to the craziness. If I do go, definitely taking a car sharing service so as not to add to the parking problems. Also shitting before I go
Baby Jesus weeps at your choices, David.
But sometimes you make him laugh, and that’s why you keep surviving.
I always think David is exactly like a drunk baby would be like if it could walk, talk, and write.
C’mon no grown up could come up with shower spaghetti.
Oh man, I seriously considered making the 3.5hr + boarder crossing drive. I was even pricing hotel rooms because its lovely to have a bathroom with running water.
All this to say, there are many quality hotels within a short uber ride of David’s house if you’re shovel-and-frozen-ground adverse.
Good luck with the party, you goofballs!
I don’t know if anyone has died of dysentery heading west in some time. David’s dietary and vehicular choices aim to change that.
Though his odds of disease are probably lower on the road than at home, it seems.
Can Torch make an updated version of Oregon Trail called “The David Tracy Heads West Edition”? Instead of settlers in wagons it should be honeymooners in a Jeep J-10. Just replace dysentery with frostbite since there will be no heat, and instead of herds of bison replace them with salvage yards.
We can’t replace dysentery. If he had year-old milk in his fridge and had to ask if he needed running water to host people., this is a man who could die of dysentery. He could easily die of dysentery, exposure, or both.
But, yes. That would be a great game.
I’m not shocked. I suspect he has them but has not seen a doctor in decades. Can’t get diagnosed if you avoid medical facilities.
True, the first time I met him he showed up to my house with trench foot. But in his defense, did it kill him?
He has all of them. They are just fighting over his body to decide who gets his brain
He’s a survivor.
That brain scares zombies!
And replace hunting (my favorite activity in that game) with going to pick ‘n pull.