Are Two Cars Enough To Take Jogging Or Does This Viral Influencer Who Dunks His Face In Ice Water Need More?

I’m not sure if you’ve had a chance to connect your home computation machine to your acoustic-coupler modulator/demodulator (or mo-dem) and “log upon” to the international-net (inter-net), where, if you had, you likely encountered a video about a man’s morning routine — a routine that starts at about four in the morning and features, among other things, him dunking his head in a bowl of expensive bottled water and ice at least, what, three times? [Ed note: I believe this is a variation of “The Huey Lewis” – Pete] The fancy fella’s morning routine has captured the attention of millions, but I’m more interested in another video of his, where he shows how he goes jogging with close to $500,000 worth of car.

I’m writing about all of this mostly because it has been an absolute onslaught in my social media feeds over the past few days, and I kind of get it, it’s strangely fascinating. The man, a fitness influencer or something named Ashton Hall, is clearly in fantastic shape, but the morning routine being shown, with all of the face-ice-bath dunkings and the precisely two minutes of journaling and the hilarious “business” call demanding something be taken to 10,000, all those blue bottles of Saratoga water, the rubbing a banana peel on his face, all the expensive bags and jewelry being handed to him by out-of-frame arms – it’s all just so damn weird.

If you haven’t seen it yet, somehow, you may as well now:

Oh yeah, the mouth tape. What the hell is going on with the mouth tape? And how did that dive into the pool take four minutes?

Anyway, that’s the thing that’s been going viral bonkers for the past few days. Like, really viral, with the original video getting over 680 million views? Is that right? Holy crap, it seems to be so.

But here’s the one we need to discuss:

 

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A post shared by Ashton Hall (@ashtonhallofficial)

Okay, in this one, we have some lemons in the cold icy face-bowl, too, which I’m sure gives a nice citrusy zing to the splashing, and we have an interesting assortment of running jewelry being handed to him, and what may be the smallest vest known to modern science, but what’s really important here is, as always, the cars.

Our influencer is taking two entire vehicles out with him to jog: a Rolls-Royce Wraith to ferry himself, his bag, and at least one (1) blue glass bottle of the preferred Saratoga water, which this carefully-maintained athlete uses for his icy face soaks, drinking, and post-toothbrushing mouth rinsing. I wouldn’t be shocked to find that one of the jobs of the people who hand him jewelry and towels also is to fill the toilet tanks with that stuff, so one can enjoy peeing in naturally sparkling spring water. [Ed Note: I bet ~50% of radiator’s fluid is the fanciest liquid to ever enter a heat exchanger. -DT]. 

Oh, and there’s some sort of small pastry involved as well. That could be in the Rolls, also.

Anyway, we have the Rolls, then we also have the Mercedes-Benz G-Wagen as well, a vehicle whose purpose in these runs I’ll admit I’m not entirely clear about. The two cars form a two-car convoy – the smallest convoy mathematically possible – as he is driven to wherever he does these runs.

It looks like the cars are both pacing him at various times, and both must be doing at least some of the video work since we see both cars in the background at different times. And the man can run! He appears to be going fast as hell!

But the question here is this: Are two wildly expensive cars enough for something like this? If I were a man of his level of refinement and status, would I be satisfied with just a G-Wagen and a Wraith? I’m not so sure.

For one thing, I think having just two cars is really muddying their roles in his short and rapid sprint there. The Rolls not only takes him there, but also carries his bag with his well-coiled towel and his blue bottles of water and, I believe, that pastry in the clear plastic case. That’s a lot to put on one $300,000+ coupé with suicide doors.

The G-Wagen seems to be the traffic-clearer and pace-setter, so it would be wrong to demand anything more of it; another car, perhaps two, are clearly needed here.

I’m thinking a small, rapid-response Lotus Emira is needed for the pastry and at least two bottles of the blue water. This car would be able to slip out into traffic ahead of the G-Wagen and Wraith, and very rapidly get to the running location before the other cars and could then radio back that all was in order and secure. Then, they could prep the emergency backup Saratoga water bottle and get the pre-run pastry prepared for immediate consumption.

Next, I would seriously consider adding a customized Mercedes Sprinter van, divided into two parts internally: The rear would just hold cases of Saratoga Springs water, and the middle compartment would have a chair and a special basin mounted to a stand to provide for the ice-water face soaks that our influencer clearly needs to survive. A restaurant-grade ice machine, fed from a supply of Saratoga Springs water, would be running as well to provide the ice.

Now we have a proper motorcade worthy of Ashton Hall: a Lotis Emira acting as vanguard, carrying pastry and backup blue-bottle water, zipping ahead to the Running Zone. Then, we have the true motorcade featuring the Wraith, the G-Wagen, and then the Sprinter at the rear.

[Ed Note: I cannot believe Jason went through the trouble of creating diagrams for this article. Just wow. -DT]. 

Mr. Hall’s running experience would be improved dramatically; the Wraith would be less burdened, the Lotus will be at the scene and waiting with the pastry as soon as he arrives, and after the run, the Sprinter will provide a location for a private ice-bowl-face-soak as needed, and perhaps even a space for some journaling before heading the whole four-car convoy back home, where I assume he goes to bed by 1:30 in the afternoon.

This seems the only reasonable way to do this; after all, if you’re going to do it, Mr.Hall, do it right. I say this as someone who, next to Ashton Hall, resembles a chicken kebab that has been dropped into the gutter and laid there for several days, so I think my advice can be trusted.

Top graphic image credits: Instagram

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