I’m not sure if you’ve had a chance to connect your home computation machine to your acoustic-coupler modulator/demodulator (or mo-dem) and “log upon” to the international-net (inter-net), where, if you had, you likely encountered a video about a man’s morning routine — a routine that starts at about four in the morning and features, among other things, him dunking his head in a bowl of expensive bottled water and ice at least, what, three times? [Ed note: I believe this is a variation of “The Huey Lewis” – Pete] The fancy fella’s morning routine has captured the attention of millions, but I’m more interested in another video of his, where he shows how he goes jogging with close to $500,000 worth of car.
I’m writing about all of this mostly because it has been an absolute onslaught in my social media feeds over the past few days, and I kind of get it, it’s strangely fascinating. The man, a fitness influencer or something named Ashton Hall, is clearly in fantastic shape, but the morning routine being shown, with all of the face-ice-bath dunkings and the precisely two minutes of journaling and the hilarious “business” call demanding something be taken to 10,000, all those blue bottles of Saratoga water, the rubbing a banana peel on his face, all the expensive bags and jewelry being handed to him by out-of-frame arms – it’s all just so damn weird.
If you haven’t seen it yet, somehow, you may as well now:
Oh yeah, the mouth tape. What the hell is going on with the mouth tape? And how did that dive into the pool take four minutes?
Anyway, that’s the thing that’s been going viral bonkers for the past few days. Like, really viral, with the original video getting over 680 million views? Is that right? Holy crap, it seems to be so.
But here’s the one we need to discuss:
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Okay, in this one, we have some lemons in the cold icy face-bowl, too, which I’m sure gives a nice citrusy zing to the splashing, and we have an interesting assortment of running jewelry being handed to him, and what may be the smallest vest known to modern science, but what’s really important here is, as always, the cars.
Our influencer is taking two entire vehicles out with him to jog: a Rolls-Royce Wraith to ferry himself, his bag, and at least one (1) blue glass bottle of the preferred Saratoga water, which this carefully-maintained athlete uses for his icy face soaks, drinking, and post-toothbrushing mouth rinsing. I wouldn’t be shocked to find that one of the jobs of the people who hand him jewelry and towels also is to fill the toilet tanks with that stuff, so one can enjoy peeing in naturally sparkling spring water. [Ed Note: I bet ~50% of radiator’s fluid is the fanciest liquid to ever enter a heat exchanger. -DT].
Oh, and there’s some sort of small pastry involved as well. That could be in the Rolls, also.
Anyway, we have the Rolls, then we also have the Mercedes-Benz G-Wagen as well, a vehicle whose purpose in these runs I’ll admit I’m not entirely clear about. The two cars form a two-car convoy – the smallest convoy mathematically possible – as he is driven to wherever he does these runs.
It looks like the cars are both pacing him at various times, and both must be doing at least some of the video work since we see both cars in the background at different times. And the man can run! He appears to be going fast as hell!
But the question here is this: Are two wildly expensive cars enough for something like this? If I were a man of his level of refinement and status, would I be satisfied with just a G-Wagen and a Wraith? I’m not so sure.
For one thing, I think having just two cars is really muddying their roles in his short and rapid sprint there. The Rolls not only takes him there, but also carries his bag with his well-coiled towel and his blue bottles of water and, I believe, that pastry in the clear plastic case. That’s a lot to put on one $300,000+ coupé with suicide doors.
The G-Wagen seems to be the traffic-clearer and pace-setter, so it would be wrong to demand anything more of it; another car, perhaps two, are clearly needed here.
I’m thinking a small, rapid-response Lotus Emira is needed for the pastry and at least two bottles of the blue water. This car would be able to slip out into traffic ahead of the G-Wagen and Wraith, and very rapidly get to the running location before the other cars and could then radio back that all was in order and secure. Then, they could prep the emergency backup Saratoga water bottle and get the pre-run pastry prepared for immediate consumption.
Next, I would seriously consider adding a customized Mercedes Sprinter van, divided into two parts internally: The rear would just hold cases of Saratoga Springs water, and the middle compartment would have a chair and a special basin mounted to a stand to provide for the ice-water face soaks that our influencer clearly needs to survive. A restaurant-grade ice machine, fed from a supply of Saratoga Springs water, would be running as well to provide the ice.
Now we have a proper motorcade worthy of Ashton Hall: a Lotis Emira acting as vanguard, carrying pastry and backup blue-bottle water, zipping ahead to the Running Zone. Then, we have the true motorcade featuring the Wraith, the G-Wagen, and then the Sprinter at the rear.
[Ed Note: I cannot believe Jason went through the trouble of creating diagrams for this article. Just wow. -DT].
Mr. Hall’s running experience would be improved dramatically; the Wraith would be less burdened, the Lotus will be at the scene and waiting with the pastry as soon as he arrives, and after the run, the Sprinter will provide a location for a private ice-bowl-face-soak as needed, and perhaps even a space for some journaling before heading the whole four-car convoy back home, where I assume he goes to bed by 1:30 in the afternoon.
This seems the only reasonable way to do this; after all, if you’re going to do it, Mr.Hall, do it right. I say this as someone who, next to Ashton Hall, resembles a chicken kebab that has been dropped into the gutter and laid there for several days, so I think my advice can be trusted.
Top graphic image credits: Instagram
It’s worth adding that, in addition to everything else Torch rightfully pointed out and mocked in this video, the gentleman also floated in the air for four minutes as he made his dive into the pool. Check the in video time stamps for proof: https://youtu.be/MTZzhOIzgaU?si=oCaS8eGWM5DLU_5n&t=54
No, no, no – not letting that video or that topic into my YouTube feed. It’ll contaminate the recommendations.
The only time I had Saratoga water was when I was puking in the bushes on my 21st birthday outside a combination strip club and steakhouse. It was not cheap.
NY Strip?
Rachels Steakhouse in Orlando.
I missed that ride at Disney World, though maybe that’s more of Universal thing.
I’ve never really understood the appeal of strip clubs myself but inquiring minds want to know how the steak was
So meaty
Excellent! They separate the restaurant and strip club sides for sanitary, but there is a TV in the restaurant where you can see the main stage. Strippers will hang out at the table and make lots of innuendo about showing you something else that’s pink in the center.
Bonus Florida fact: if a business makes less than 50% of it’s revenue from food you can smoke indoors! We enjoyed some fine cigars served on silver platters that a guy in a tux and white gloves cuts and lights for you.
Screw Saratoga the best water is Sarasota Springs because Monk can’t be wrong
Jason, your chicken kebab comment made me think of your recent health issues – how are you feeling? Fit as a fiddle? One broken string?
I’m good! I’m a lump of iron!
Gold, Jason, Solid Gold is the lump! Now that unfortunate fellow must be allergic to something, he’s all swelled up.
Gold is a pretty malleable metal not very solid. For Jason though I’m thinking mash potatoes
Good to hear. You and the Pope both better start taking care of yourselves!
I used to have a stomach of iron, and then it rusted.
Jason: Have you had your Ziebart redone lately?
I’m still a bit lost on this “drive somewhere to jog” concept. Why not, like JOG there?
That doesn’t get the clicks.
This guys doesn’t need clicks, he needs a Thanos snap.
It’s like people who take the elevator to their 2nd floor gym
…and exercise on a stair-climber?
All this performative healthy living… and then he injects his steroids.
This. All of these guys are on the juice.
Completely true.
The likelihood of all these men having upper bodies that look like 8 circles and NOT being on roids is almost zero.
Screw all of them. They try to compete on showing their six packs. I have a f’ing keg.
The worst part is this shit is being normalized. Many fitness “influencers” are openly on roids. Sam Sulek has a huge following and he’s juiced into another dimension/shares his juicing routine with his followers. Most of the bigger folks have either admitted to being on gear or outed for it at this point.
There are legions of young, impressionable folks that are following suit. I’ve already seen headlines and videos out there about the “Gen Z steroid crisis”. I haven’t dug in enough to know if that’s a real thing or just sensationalism, but my wife and I know a thing or two about fitness (she was an exercise science major as an undergrad and I was a 3 sport athlete who got proper training on how to lift, run, etc) and we see this stuff and are like “holy smokes this is all misguided and dangerous”.
Steroids kill and have all types of ghastly side effects.
It’s a trend recently to help stop some kinds of snoring and/or drooling when you sleep. Basically, you tape your mouth closed to force yourself to breathe through your nose when you sleep.
I tried it out for a few nights, but it didn’t help my snoring. Most snoring is caused by the tongue relaxing and rolling back into your airway as you sleep, and mouth tape would do nothing for that. I ended up getting a kind of retainer that keeps my jaw forward just enough that the tongue can’t relax across the airway.
I’ve met some people who swear by mouth tape though.
I tried one of those retainers but it only works as long as I clamp my jaws shut. As soon as I fall asleep, I’m back to square one.
Yes, but they’re putting it on their partners, not wearing it themselves.
Get a sleep test I have sleep apnea I now get 6-7 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I wake up less of an ahole. But then life flows in
I did. That’s how I got my custom retainer, which works great.
I’ve been taping my mouth at night for several years now. I’m a mouth-breathing drooler without it, but more importantly to me, I have a lot less tartar without that drool dehydrating on my teeth over and over.
I appreciate the improved morning breath, but I really dig the easier dentist appointments. It’s definitely not for everyone though.
I believe we’re missing the natural choice to be his convoy (and as a bonus, it’ll seat him and about 19 of his faceless servants).
https://photos.classiccars.com/cc-temp/listing/162/9280/33630741-1962-chrysler-saratoga-thumb.jpg
Also, the most important question. Is the ice made of Saratoga too?
“If you haven’t seen it yet, somehow, you may as well now:”
Nah. I’m good.
“But here’s the one we need to discuss:”
I’ve got some sunflower seeds that need eating, but you guys go ahead.
I am so glad I do not social media in the way that would have delivered this mess into my life.
“If you haven’t seen it yet, somehow, you may as well now:”
nah, but I will read about this ridiculousness from you for at least a few minutes.
Yeah, this is a version of “This tastes awful, try it.”
“look how bad this smells”
“I need you to look at this rash on my scrotum. Check out this funky toenail while we’re at it.”
I believe in taking care of myself, in a balanced diet, in a rigorous exercise routine.
In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I’ll put on an icepack while doing my stomach crunches.
I can do a thousand now.
After I remove the icepack, I use a deep-pore cleanser lotion.
In the shower, I use a water-activated gel cleanser.
Then a honey-almond bodyscrub.
And on the face, an exfoliating gel-scrub.
Then I apply an herb mint facial masque,
which I leave on for ten minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine.
I always use an aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol,
because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older.
Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm, followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.
Do you like Phil Collins?
Huey Lewis and the News was under-appreciated.
I love this book and read it on the subway and one day I laughed out loud and when the person beside me looked to see what I was reading she got up and moved to another seat.
Username checks out
Frankly I bet my fat ass not much exercise self lives longer than this guy. Although we probably both have the same problem when trying to wipe our ass.
I have to know. What problem are you having when you wipe your ass?
Never mind. I don’t wanna know
Buy a bidet…
The thing about that is, his routine was kind of bullshit, some of it he does out of order, while exfoliating and using a mask on a daily basis will definitely cause inflammation and dry skin, so some parts of what he does might be intended to counteract damage from the other parts
Remember when influencers weren’t a thing?
Those were the days.
It’s always been a thing, but we just had the good sense to call them what they were: Advertisers. Seems like everything my teen watches is just ad after ad. And they all follow the exact same pattern:
Jack Lelane was a fitness influencer in the 50s, he had a whole TV program. I’m sure there were some before him but he might be the progenitor.
Uncle Jack?! “I was never in the army! I was in the pictures!”
I understood this reference.
Not sure I remember watching Jack do amazing things, while I sat on the couch in my underwear eating Cheetos.
Who are influenced by these people?
Insecure people
Monetizing masochism?
It’s finally arrived, peak internet stupidity. Right here, right now watch the influenzer be dumb and somehow milk the masses for money.
Speechless.
But social media has already given us so much dumb stuff, it this really the peak?
Yeah, there is always someone stupider right around the corner… waltz, cough cough, secdef, …
Nah, AI just arrived. Give it a couple more years. Then real people will be trying to live up to what AI people are doing on TV. I fully expect some young things to have trouble fitting through doorways due to muscles and/or implants.
This dude’s timeline does not add up. Between 4:00 AM and 7:30 AM he’s brushed his teeth, done 5 minutes of push ups, wrote something down, got dressed, jogged for about 15 minutes, and dunked his face in water? How did that take 3 1/2 hours? Did he accidentally drown in a bowl of ice water and need to be resuscitated?
You don’t know how many takes it took to convincingly write something down on camera, or the number of edits to make it look like he has anything but over priced water and nothing inside him. Faking life takes time and and a social media homunculus like this needs all that time to appear to be alive.
“ Did he accidentally drown in a bowl of ice water “
One would hope…
Makeup takes time…
I just like that the water of choice is Saratoga Sparkling Spring Water. One of the few exports of my region. Sure it’s supposed to be a fancy water, but I laugh at the premise of it being handed out of a Rolls.
As for this character, ain’t nobody got time for that.
You’ll be proud to know that it’s served widely in South Florida strip clubs.
Oddly yes, I am.
And that’s probably the whole point/flex…
The auto museum in Saratoga is worth a visit of you’re in the area.
Also the Gideon Putnam is pretty nice
The auto museum is solid for sure. And i spend a fair amount of my time at SPAC which is right next to it.
Wait, this shit is real?! (As much as anything is on social media.)
He looks like he’d be more at home in the Humungus Machine from Mad Max 2, except he’s too much of a sissy. Although, if Humungus had used that face icing routine, maybe he wouldn’t have needed his mask.
Some say civilization has already fallen, while others insist that we now live in a golden age.
Influencer content makes me suspect the former’s more likely to be the case.
Hell is empty and the devils all have monetized content.
Naw, but they own the social media companies.
What are the chances DT knows the Huey Lewis reference Peter made?
One of the Deal sisters of the Breeders does the same thing, the face in water routine in the Cannonball video.
That running outfit is umm interesting. It’s like some Rule 63 Waifu… I’m confused about the baby doll plate carrier, but I’m not really judging, just confused. As I am about jogging with a glass bottle.
I suspect, with all these “influencers” any flash car is rented, any flash house is rented, heck even the watches (unless fake) and handbags/clothing (if not fake) are rented..
If you book a “Mercedes G-Wagen or similar”, is the Kia Soul you end up with at least one of the good colors?
You get a jeep patriot with bad rings
Those vests are for holding weights. The Tacticool is sad, though. Just like everything else about this.
DT may be surprised Jason made a chart but what I’d think he could’ve done is a parody video with shtetl-hobbit dad bod, Changli, Yugo and store-brand cola 2L bottles refilled with tap water.
All that exercising and he still has no ass.
Asking the real questions.
My very conscious decision to stay out of the fetid swamp of social media is reinforced every time one of these articles pops up to remind me of what I’m not missing.
I haven’t been on anything but YouTube and Snapchat (which I literally use to send like 2 of my friends updates on neighborhood cats) since 2020 and it’s been great.
I’m not even on those.
YouTube is basically TV for me. I follow channels that give me content related to my interests. Obviously there’s car content there (RCR, Savagegeese, Throttle House, etc) but also rollercoaster content, guitar channels, coupla paranormal/true crime ones, and some history/exploration type channels. I get basically all the TV viewing I’ll ever need and I don’t have to pay for cable.
My cable TV watching Boomer father asks me if I’ve watched this show or that show. I explain we don’t have traditional TV.
Then he comes to visit (first overnighter in ~20 years) and we watch all the YouTube car content. He finally understands. No commercials. Skip the BS. Get right to the content. And it’s content none of the TV shows bother with such as rust repair. Car body / frame separation. Junkyard tours. Car show tours. Garage54…
Only YT and Facebook Marketplace for me. Oh and a load of hobby forums!
As a thoroughly dad bod near 50 yr old dad, WTF???
This is basically a microcosm of everything that’s wrong in society right now crammed into one, very chiseled monument to conspicuous consumption. We shouldn’t reward these people with our attention…we should reward them with an appointment to see a psychiatrist.
just blocked him on instagram so I’ll never see him again.
This level of attention seeking and flexing is just incredibly repulsive to me for some reason
100% agree. absolutely useless.
It baffles me that our society sees this and rewards instead of seeing it and being like “this is antisocial behavior and this person probably needs help”
You can DM “BRAND” to discuss it further with him.
a DM “BRAND” chat thread needs to be featured on the next Tales from the Slack.
Are we talking about politics here too? 😉
Easier solution. Don’t use instagram.
You just guaranteed that he’ll be our 50th president with that statement.
Someone on another forum said that when someone reaches a billion dollars net worth, they should be honored with a ceremony and presented with an award saying that they won capitalism, after which everything they make above the original billion is sent to the charity of their choice from a pre-approved list.
Naw, trebuchet to low earth orbit.
Whatever happened to sacrifices to the volcano gods?
You remember the movie Joe Versus The Volcano?
https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/joe_versus_the_volcano
That’s why.
https://youtu.be/-BCeanUiKwM?si=7eaHIBf4b0d6Y2ND
You know, private rocket ships are a thing now, right?
Use one of Eldolfs ftw. Thing about the trebuchet, if you miss they might be able to be relaunched.
That someone was me! I’m glad you enjoy my terrible posting
Thanks, and I guess it was here that I saw it!
Great idea. I am next. I figure I have about at least 100 pounds of fat. If we measure 2 oz of fat in a models lips is worth &2,500 I think my fat is worth $20,000 per pound. Or $2 million dollars total. Okay not a billion. But hey I got a multimillion dollar manbod. Jealous?
That would work if net worth was actually money flowing into a bank account, like getting paid a salary. If 90% of it is in stocks, and the market falls enough to push your net worth down below $1 billion in 24 hours, do those charities pay you back?
Some lower number. Nobody needs a billion dollars.