Happy Monday, Autopians! Today we have a pair of suggestions by members of our own staff. I wouldn’t touch either of these cars with a ten-foot jumper cable, but they sure are fun to talk about.
But first, a quick public service announcement. I spotted this Jeep Cherokee at my local chain auto-parts store this weekend:
The window sticker is hard to read because my phone camera is lousy, but it says “Certified Shitbox.” I checked our extensive database, and determined that this vehicle has not, in fact, been certified by Shitbox Showdown Industries, Inc., or any of its subsidiaries. It has not passed our rigorous 147-point inspection. Please beware of counterfeits like this, and insist on Genuine Certified Shitboxes when shopping for cheap cars.
Now then, let’s see how our two contenders from Friday fared over the weekend:
Pretty clear victory for the Camaro, though the little Mazda was not without its supporters. The highest offer I saw for the Camaro was a suitcase full of cheap beer, which doesn’t sound too bad, but I have to ask: what kind of suitcase? [Editor’s Note: Pro tip is hold out for an American Tourister because they are the only ones gorilla-tested.– JT]
Today’s contenders were suggested in the smoke-filled back rooms of the Autopian’s inner sanctum. News-man Thomas Hundal found a suspiciously cheap VW Phaeton for sale, and I threw down the gauntlet for someone to find a worthy adversary for it. Mercedes Streeter came through in fine form with a downright scary Porsche Cayenne SUV that fit within our rules. My hat is off to both of them for rising to the occasion, and finding two vehicles that truly capture the shitbox spirit. Both are over-engineered vehicles from Ferdinand Piëch‘s long reign as head of Volkswagen, both have had depreciation curves that made the Cliffs of Dover look like a bunny ski slope, and both are guaranteed to try the patience of any shadetree mechanic brave or foolish enough to take them on. Let’s dig in.
2004 Porsche Cayenne S – $2,500
Engine/drivetrain: 4.5 liter V8, 6 speed automatic, AWD
Location: Spartansburg, SC
Odometer reading: 143,000 miles
Runs/drives? I think so, but not driveable due to a coolant leak
I’ll admit it: I was one of the many voices howling in protest when Porsche announced the Cayenne. A Porsche SUV? With four doors? Say it ain’t so! But now that ship has sailed, and the old purveyor of pure sports cars has been diluted enough over the past twenty years that the Cayenne is just another Porsche. And the automotive landscape has changed enough that the Cayenne is just another crossover.
The Cayenne shares a platform and some sheetmetal with its corporate cousins the VW Touareg and Audi Q7, but the overall look is undeniably Porsche. This is the Cayenne S model, with a 4.5 liter V8 and a six-speed automatic equipped with the VW Group’s “Tiptronic” manual shift mode. The Tiptronic allows gear changes via a separate gate on the shift lever, instead of the “flappy paddles” behind the steering wheel that are fashionable these days. Personally, I prefer this, as I have hit flappy paddles by mistake and changed gears without meaning to. I’d rather reach down and yank a lever.
This Cayenne needs some help. It has a coolant leak which apparently is bad enough that the car can’t be driven. From what I gather, it runs all right other than that. But the common coolant leak with these engines, it seems from a little research, is a series of pipes that run through the valley between the cylinder banks and are made of plastic. There are aluminum upgrade pipes available, but getting to them looks like a real chore. To make matters worse, while you’re in there, you might as well replace the starter, which also lives in that valley (because that makes sense) and can be destroyed by leaking coolant. You can probably get this thing running like a Porsche again, but it’s not going to be easy.
A bigger problem is that all that work is hardly worth it, unless you specifically want an SUV with a Porsche badge on it. Take away the badge, and it’s just another grubby almost 20 year old crossover with far higher than average maintenance needs. Sure, it’s fast(ish) and cool(ish), but it’s one hell of a commitment.
2005 Volkswagen Phaeton – $1,800
Engine/drivetrain: 4.2 liter V8, 6 speed automatic, AWD
Location: Tampa, FL
Odometer reading: 138,000 miles
Runs/drives? Seems to
If you thought the Cayenne was complicated and high-maintenance, do you want to see something really scary? May I present to you the Volkswagen Phaeton. Conceived by Ferdinand Piëch himself, in part as retribution on Mercedes and BMW for playing in Volkswagen’s economy-hatch sandbox, the Phaeton was too much. Too lofty, too expensive, too complicated, too hard for car shoppers to accept with the same badge as their uncle’s Rabbit. Only a couple thousand Phaetons were sold in the US.
This Phaeton is equipped with a 4.2 liter V8 engine, shared with the big Audi sedans of the time. A few Phaetons were sold with VW’s legendary W12 engine, which in twin-turbocharged form found its way under the bonnets of various Bentley models. The V8 is actually a mark in this car’s favor, from everything I’ve read; it’s merely a nightmare to service and repair, as opposed to the near-Lovecraftian madness-inducing W12.
According to our own modern Volkswagen aficionado Mercedes Streeter, the suspension in this car is a disaster waiting to happen. The Phaeton has an insanely complicated adaptive air suspension, with air bags that are prone to leaks and carry a price tag of around $1,8oo each (plus installation). This car’s suspension may or may not be fine, but the variety of jacks on the ground next to the car in photos don’t inspire confidence.
The ad gives next to no information about the car, saying only that it “runs perfect” and is “in perfect condition.” The interior certainly looks like a nice place to be, and what we can see of the exterior looks clean, but I note that the photos don’t clearly show the front of the car. One photo shows what looks like some body damage on the front bumper, so “perfect” isn’t the descriptor I’d use in any case.
Clearly, either of these cars is going to require a serious commitment. You can’t half-ass ownership of a Piëch-era luxury vehicle. Expect bizarre failures of inaccessible parts, Byzantine repair procedures, and astronomical parts costs. But from all accounts, the reward for your labors is a very nice ride, good performance, and street cred among fellow gearheads who have all been warned off these hyper-complicated machines (myself included). But if you’re up to the challenge, all that remains is to choose your flavor. So which will it be?
(Image credits except the Jeep: Facebook Marketplace sellers)
Given that they’re both VAG products and therefore fussy maintenance queens, the choice is between badge engineered symbol of wealth (with ardent defenders) or luxury executive sedan curiosity piece.
At least in my area all the Porsche SUV’s are driven by people using them purely as status symbols to go to the luxury goods mall.
VW for me. $1800 is almost “fuck it” money. Just drive around a sweet luxury car until something big fails, then scrap it. I’ve wasted more money on worse things.
I would pick the Cayenne only because the sellers article is less misleading. That Phaeton likely has more issues than could even fit in a comment that the owner is deliberately hiding. At least the Cayenne is a more straightforward process
I voted for the Phaeton because there was no third option like “Swallow thumbtacks and get constipated while throwing $50 bills into the Sarlacc.”
i’m still waiting for those bills..
🙂
First off – Bravo for presenting a choice of 2 absolute train wrecks. This was about as bad as voting in a real election. Like that, I felt it my civic duty as an autopian to vote, even though choosing either one makes me physically sick.
On to the shitboxes in question: I cannot believe the laziness presented in both ads. Both sets of pictures are taken under literal SHADE TREES with tools and bottles of various fluids both in, and around the cars. If forced at gunpoint to buy one or the other, I’d take the Porsche. 1. there is more information on what is going on. 2. The ad seems less deceptive. It looks like the VW ad is purposely cutting off pics of the front end which has apparent damage. 3. I would have a shot at flipping it for what I have in it to some other poor bastard. People at least know what Cayennes are, and some wannabe player might bite.
You can view the vehicle before purchasing, presumably.. deflates your argument about the VW.
And if quick flip is your plan, going with a relatively unknown vehicle can be an advantage..
Otherwise agree with your assessments, what fool posts pictures showing evidence of repairs in progress?
At least with the Porsche, they disclose the main issue, presumably.
Fair enough. I was going to say I am just going off what I see, but it is true that I am making negative assumptions about the VW based on the nature of the ad. “Trust, but verify”, I guess.
Tho one could argue that Porsche owner is simply offloading their greasy, tatty SUV as is, whereas VW owner is at least trying to fix it. Failing, obviously as that’s probably impossible, but at least they’ve had a go…
…you’re implying that Germans over-engineer their cars for the sake of over-engineering them? Damn, what are you going to tell me next? That water is wet?
Can’t remember where I read it, but the gist is something like:
German engineering is based on the idea of why make it easy when it’s so simple to make it difficult?
I remember a joke from a Playboy magazine I saw long before I was old enough to view a Playboy magazine-
‘What’s the difference between Heaven and Hell?
In Heaven, the French are the chefs, the English are the administrators, the Italians are the lovers, and the Germans are the mechanics.
In Hell, the French are the mechanics, the English are the chefs, the Italians are the administrators, and the Germans are the lovers.”
The version I know is:
In heaven you have British police, French chefs, German mechanics, Swiss bankers, and Italian lovers.
In hell you have British chefs, French mechanics, German police, Swiss lovers, and Italian bankers.
The version I’ve heard:
“In heaven you have an American salary, an English house, a Chinese cook, and a Japanese wife.”
“In hell, you have a Chinese salary, a Japanese house, an English cook, and an American wife.”
…I think I like y’all’s versions better.
Don’t forget the their (all German brands) other motto: “You need a special tool for that”. My BMW motorcycle required a special set of pliers to remove the cap for the clutch master cylinder, and countless other jobs. Then I had a Jetta TDI for awhile, and thought that maybe the cheaper German car company might not require special tools for every blessed job, but I was very wrong. At least my 1980 BMW airhead is simpler to wrench on..
Both of these would bankrupt me just by looking at them. Between the two I’d rather have the Porsche. BUT that Cayenne has been run HARD and it is still wet. It’s not seen any love during its life, just look at that interior. The VW at least has a presentable interior and looks like it was loved at least a bit during its life. VW for me but it’s being sold for scrap as soon as it breaks.
You could probably get the VW for $1400 or so. Take out the seats. Have a nice weekend welding up some bases for them and presto, you have a SWEET set of shop furniture. Tow the rest of it to the salvage yard.
Coin flip as neither is a not a choice. Heads…VW.
Phaeton? Oh hell no
“both have had depreciation curves that made the Cliffs of Dover look like a bunny ski slope,”
Nice one Mark.
Take the Phaeton for the much cleaner interior. Neither of these vehicles will run on a regular basis, so why not choose the car that at least gives you a nicer place to sit in while you wait for help?
I’d be watching for blue and red lights after I leave in that Phaeton, because it’s a steal. On the contrary, the picture with a jack and tools is encouraging, because it at least shows some attempts at maintenance were made. The Porsche just looks like it was ridden hard and put away wet. Frankly, the condition of the Phaeton, is that of a car that could be listed for 50% more than its current asking, at least in my area. Easy choice.
I’ve always said that I love the Phaeton but I guess I really meant that I love the idea of the Phaeton and the fact that some people who aren’t me care about them enough to keep them running. Maybe if it was a bit nicer I’d be interested but an $1800 one is a nightmare waiting to happen.
I’ll take the Porsche here. Once its not leaking coolant, I bet it would be fun to thrash around in fields and on some trails with better tires. It is an SUV at the end of the day and it isn’t really nice enough for me to feel bad about getting it all dirty and scratched up.
VW looks better. At the price point that these two are at, that’s about the only thing that matters.
Seriously, is there anything more gross than the state of the 3rd (or 4th ) owner German SUV?
I said the Cayenne (OOOOH, SPICY!) because it would be a goofy fun project that I know I could do.
Then I would use it as a winter beater. That’s right, my DD would be a Hyundai, and my winter beater would be a Porsche. Just thinking of it makes me happy.
I voted for the Hudson Truck…..wait wrong day. I love spicy stuff, maybe the Cayenne is spicier than the mayonnaise flavored VW. Repair-wise, I’d rather consult 40 Ouija boards at the same time, and maybe the ghost of Ferdinand Porsche or Jerry Garcia shows up to guide me in repairing these vehicles.
I’m in it for the badge is exactly right. Pop that thing off the hood and attach it to my tool box. Then part out the rest of it, take the money and find something sane.
The badge
…and the trunk hinges if you choose Phaeton
Neither of these to my taste. The unreliable/expensive German thing. If buying a bare bones MG at this price is a bad idea buying a space capsule is worse. The whole just throw thousands at it for a cheap 4×4 that is unrepairable in the field doesn’t work. I went VW though because at least it was cleaned before pictures.
You should have thrown in an E65 BMW with a transmission fault for the perfect money vortex three-way!
I happen to be one of the crazies who was trying to find the Phaeton. It’s a vehicle that commands a thorough pre purchase inspection at any price. But when sorted, are said to drive amazingly and offer a long list of luxury in the cabin. That SUV looks like more of a headache then even the low asking price calls for.
$2,500 Cayenne please! The coolant line kit is about $200. The starter motor is $150. Think of the fun fixing this and having a running, driving Cayenne for ~$3,000 or so, plus delivery.
it is a hard choice, the Audi motor also has that coolant line in the V, this one either has been replaced or has not started leaking yet. I can attest tot he 4.2 in Audis as also being a real pain in the butt to keep running. The accessories on the back of the motor are unacceptable in my opinion. But that is what you get when you put an engine intended for a rear engine car in the front because of lack of other options
Name me one good reason why an alternator should have to be water-cooled, ever. Also, tell me why it should need special tools. I can replace the alternator in my Miata with nothing but sockets in 10mm and 12mm sizes, a 14mm box wrench, and a 3″ extension. Oh, and I guess a #2 Phillips and some pliers because you have to take off the crossover tube. I’m sure a Cayenne has a lot more electrical draw than an NA Miata, but come the fuck on.
Killjoy! 🙂
You can get a REMY reman alt on rockuto for $174.89. Nobody in their right mind using OEM factory $1400 alt on a beater like this.
You’re really selling the Cayenne short Mark and once again we’re falling into the CROSSOVERS BADDDDD screaming into the abyss trap. You make it sound like it was a half-assed badge engineering job, but it isn’t/wasn’t. Cayennes are well put together, good SUVs, and they’re actually great off roaders.
What I see here is a potential off road rig. Throw a couple grand into fixing it up and you have a great, cheap car for the trails. It’ll cost more to maintain than something American or Japanese, but it’s also more stylish and is going to be exponentially more enjoyable to drive. If that matters to you (it’s fine if it doesn’t) you can budget a bit more for maintenance.
German cars can be a pain but they’re no where near as bad as people on the internet make them out to be. I’d take the Cayenne for those reasons. It needs some work but it can be made into a fun rock crawler or just a pleasant grocery-getter. Cayennes and Macans are great cars. Porsche was never going to survive making RWD manual coupes, so they adapted and made SUVs that still maintain the Porsche character.
I’m not sure why there’s so much disdain for them amongst enthusiasts. We could either have a Porsche that sells SUVs or no Porsche at all because they listened to enthusiasts and stuck to nothing but dedicated sports cars. I know what I’d rather have.
AWD and Independent suspensions do not make for good rock crawlers. I would like to see this one try it, but it would be about 10K to make this even slightly capable.
Doesn’t the first generation Cayenne have low range, lockers, etc?
The Hummer H1 has independent suspension too, so that’s hardly a hard and fast rule.
I don’t know about this specific one since I can’t view the FB add but yes, low range and lockers were available on some Cayennes. They are very capable off-road when properly spec’d. If I had the $ to afford maintenance and repairs I’d pick up a clean example to rock off-road just for the crazy looks I’d get. However, I do not, not even close!
I think they all had low range and center diff lock. Rear locker was and option. They also have a sway bar that loosens up off road, which is kinda awesome
Maybe some dedicated VAG mechanic could make something out of one of these, but I’ll choose whichever one is more profitable to part out, because to me they’re both parts cars.
I think this is the very definition of “The only winning move is not to play”.
Still, if forced at gunpoint, the VW is both cheaper and runs better, so I suppose it has to be the one. Worst case it probably has some value as a parts car to the other maniacs trying to keep Phaetons on the road.
Yeah, the one that runs wins. Drive it until it doesn’t then part it out.
This is the way. Both of these are heading to the junkyard at this point and you’d be a financial idiot to even fix one item on them. Buy the VW and sell it for scrap value as soon as it breaks.
I went the same route. If it turns out it’s hiding a lot of issues then it gets parted out. If it’s functional then drive it until a big issue inevitably shows up and then part it out. Whatever happens it’s going to get parted out either now or later but for $1800 in the current market it’s a decent deal to me.
“if forced at gunpoint, the VW is both cheaper and runs better, so I suppose it has to be the one”
I came here to basically say this.