Home » Assad Has Been Kicked Out Of Syria But How Is The Abandoned Mercury Mariner At The Syrian Embassy Doing?

Assad Has Been Kicked Out Of Syria But How Is The Abandoned Mercury Mariner At The Syrian Embassy Doing?

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As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, the dictatorial regime of Syria’s Assad family has come to an end, with rebel factions seizing control of the government and forcing now ex-President Bashar al-Assad to flee to Moscow like a little candy-ass. Earlier, we showed you his somewhat disappointing car collection (well, for a dictator) but I know most of you reading this have had only one burning question on your mind: how does this all affect the seemingly-abandoned Mercury Mariner at the former Syrian Embassy in Washington, DC?

It’s a question a child might ask, but not a childish question. Our own Lewin Day wrote about the Mariner back in July, after being tipped off by autojourno legend Doug Demuro, who posted about the crossover made by everyone’s favorite defunct Ford division.

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This tweet, in fact:

Lewin did a lot of digging into the Mariner’s story, determining that this one had to be a 2006 or earlier car, as it retains the original front fascia design, and he determined that it has, in fact, moved a bit over the last decade. But now that the government of Syria has fallen, how is the Mariner?

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Happily, we have Autopian Reader-Operatives stationed all over the globe, and one of them is in DC, and cased the ex-embassy to report on the status of the Mariner. Photographs were taken, likely from a camera hidden inside a hoagie, or something. Our operative wishes to remain anonymous, but we give our thanks, regardless.

The good news is that the Mariner appears to be okay, at least for now:

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The Mariner is in about the same state as before, really, as it has been since 2014 when the embassy closed, with a broken foglamp and a cracked sunroof. Based on the leaf buildup, I suspect that the Mariner may have been brushed off or moved somewhat recently, as that just looks like a few days to maybe a week’s worth of leaf litter. But, really, who knows?

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A new flag has been attached to the fence of the embassy, likely referencing the change in management, but overall, the embassy still seems pretty abandoned.

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No one canceled the newspaper subscription? Or are those free advertising circulars no one reads? This place is a wreck, which is a shame because it was once the home of America’s Portliest President, William Howard Taft, the president who apparently did not get stuck in a bathtub and for whom the Daihatsu Taft is not named.

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So, at this moment, the Mariner seems to be holding up okay. Which brings up an interesting question: if this Mariner was in fact owned by the Assad government, should you steal it?

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Now I’m not encouraging anyone to do anything illegal, but I think this is worth a bit of a thought-experiment: if the Mariner was property of the Syrian government, does that mean that it’s pretty much owner-less right now? If, let’s say, that gate were to pop open, giving you full and easy access to this Mariner, and if, somehow, the keys to that Mariner were just sitting there on the seat, and it would actually start and drive, who would care if you took it?

The Assad regime has bigger fish to fry, whale-sized fish (and yes I know they’re mammals and not fish, but the point stands) – they will not care if this Mariner is gone. Are there any crazy hardcore Mariner fans out there who can’t bear to see this poor political prisoner wasting away? Again, I can’t condone any criminal activity, but I’d be remiss in not at least asking these questions, right?

I think the only thing we do know for sure is that no matter what happens in the political world, somewhere there is a Mercury dealing with the consequences.

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Banana Stand Money
Banana Stand Money
18 hours ago

I’m in DC. I might need to take the circuitous route home and pay a brief visit to Mr. Taft’s former residence.

IRegertNothing, Esq.
IRegertNothing, Esq.
19 hours ago

The incoming Syrian government should use some of Fuckface’s modest-for-a-dictator vehicle collection to replace the Mariner. The new ambassador can slap diplomat tags on the F50 and let ‘er rip.

Totally not a robot
Totally not a robot
20 hours ago

The whale shark is, in fact, a whale-sized fish.

Black Peter
Black Peter
16 hours ago

I’m no ichthyologist, so does the shark, predate the whale? So in fact a whale is a whale shark sized mammal?

Mark Jacob
Mark Jacob
22 hours ago

If my eyes aren’t deceiving me and that sunroof is in the vent position, that interior is just going to be one big pile of mold at this point.

Martin Ibert
Martin Ibert
23 hours ago

It does not belong to the Assad government. It belongs to Syria, the country. Syria is still there. Whoever the new government will be, it will control what is owned by Syria, including this Mariner.

Phuzz
Phuzz
1 day ago

I guess the moral thing to do would be steal it, fix it up, then raffle it and send the proceeds to help the people of Syria (eg donate to the Red Cross/Red Crescent/White Helmets/etc.)

MaximillianMeen
MaximillianMeen
20 hours ago
Reply to  Phuzz

Or donate it to 1-8-ASSAD’S-Kars-4-Kids.

OrigamiSensei
OrigamiSensei
1 day ago

And now that winter is coming we’ll see the rime on the ancient Mariner.

GK450
GK450
1 day ago

Interesting they took the time to take off the license plates but not to close the sunroof lol

Mark Hughes
Mark Hughes
1 day ago
Reply to  GK450

My guess, They lost the keys, They are probably in that building somewhere.

Maymar
Maymar
1 day ago

Repatriate it to the Syrian people just as eventually the Ukrainians are getting that Antonov impounded at YYZ. They’ll just have to work out if that means a time share situation where everyone is entitled to one 23rd millionth of a Mariner, or a lottery system where one lucky person gets it all to themselves.

Colin Kao
Colin Kao
1 day ago

Those Syrian rebels really kicked some Assad today. Thank you, thank you. I’ll see myself out now.

Aaron Berga
Aaron Berga
1 day ago

I want to know if it’s a Hybrid. If so, those things run 350k easily, so lots of life left, I imagine.

Ranwhenparked
Ranwhenparked
1 day ago

I would assume any property in the United States previously owned by the Syrian government under the Assads is going to continue to be held in trust by the State Department until a new government in Damascus is officially recognized, then handed over to them. So, they’ll either eventually get an old Mariner that includes a free mansion converted to an embassy, or a mansion converted to an embassy that comes with a free Mariner, depending on how you look at it.

Cam.man67
Cam.man67
1 day ago

I mean…I’m only about 45 minutes away. Maybe I oughta take a field trip.

Jatkat
Jatkat
1 day ago

Aw 🙁 I have a soft spot for Escapes, and the Mariner is the only one of the North American Trifecta I haven’t owned (Escape, Tribute, Mariner). Shame that sunroof is open, can’t imagine that interior is a very pleasant place anymore.

Gene1969
Gene1969
1 day ago

The children always suffer the most from a broken home.

Andy Farrell
Andy Farrell
1 day ago
Reply to  Gene1969

Won’t somebody think of the Mariner??? /s

SNL-LOL Jr
SNL-LOL Jr
19 hours ago
Reply to  Andy Farrell

Andre Mariner? Fuck him.
(Premier League football joke)

Gene1969
Gene1969
13 hours ago
Reply to  Andy Farrell

Didn’t she go to Lower Decks?

Canopysaurus
Canopysaurus
1 day ago

A failing sentinel stands true,
To a torn and dying realm,
Sun blasted tires rotting through,
‘Neath cracked and leaking helm.

For years untold it’s gathered mold,
Bird droppings and debris,
The grime of the ancient Mariner,
Signals an end to perfidy.

Apologies to Sammy T. Coleridge

Last edited 1 day ago by Canopysaurus
MATTinMKE
MATTinMKE
1 day ago
Reply to  Canopysaurus

Outstanding.

Insert the slow hand clap gif here.

Cheap Bastard
Cheap Bastard
1 day ago

Better question: How long do I have to squat in that abandoned embassy until it’s all mine, Mariner and all?

Last edited 1 day ago by Cheap Bastard
GK450
GK450
1 day ago
Reply to  Cheap Bastard

Well considering that squatter’s rights is generally 10 years of continuous habitation and the embassy’s been abandoned since 2014 you had a chance!

Cheap Bastard
Cheap Bastard
1 day ago
Reply to  GK450

Whose to say I haven’t been in the embassy basement all along?

Balloondoggle
Balloondoggle
22 hours ago
Reply to  Cheap Bastard

And you’d have gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids!

Cheap Bastard
Cheap Bastard
22 hours ago
Reply to  Balloondoggle

Oh I’m getting away with it! Whose gonna throw me out?

Ian McClure
Ian McClure
16 hours ago
Reply to  Cheap Bastard

Assuming it still counts as an embassy, Syrian law applies there, so you’d have to find out if Syria has such a thing as adverse possession.

Cheap Bastard
Cheap Bastard
15 hours ago
Reply to  Ian McClure

They abandoned it so any Syrian law is superseded by the universal laws of “Finders Keepers” and “Possession is 9/10ths of the Law”.

Last edited 15 hours ago by Cheap Bastard
Chris D
Chris D
5 hours ago
Reply to  Cheap Bastard

Check if the property taxes have been paid. You might be able to take a slow title to the whole place.
Hopefully there are no political prisoners stashed away in the basement.

Cheap Bastard
Cheap Bastard
48 minutes ago
Reply to  Chris D

“Check if the property taxes have been paid. You might be able to take a slow title to the whole place.”

On it!

“Hopefully there are no political prisoners stashed away in the basement.”

If there are I’m not sharing! They can go squat in some other embassy!

Col Lingus
Col Lingus
1 day ago

Needs a jump start perhaps?

But I don’t want to be a Pirate…the joke that just keeps on giving.

But a well aimed Jewish Space Laser should answer this question quite quickly…

Last edited 1 day ago by Col Lingus
Taco Shackleford
Taco Shackleford
1 day ago

“Which brings up an interesting question: if this Mariner was in fact owned by the Assad government, should you steal it?”

Being that this is a Mariner, it will be pirated. Not sure Syria has the naval resources for recovery.

Boulevard_Yachtsman
Boulevard_Yachtsman
1 day ago

Welp, the only way to find out for sure is to
Ask Some Stupid Ass Dictator

Mthew_M
Mthew_M
1 day ago

Someone get Jill Wagner on the phone. I’m sure she’d take it.

SNL-LOL Jr
SNL-LOL Jr
19 hours ago
Reply to  Mthew_M

Any mention of Jill Wagner will always get a star from me.

The NSX Was Only in Development for 4 Years
The NSX Was Only in Development for 4 Years
1 day ago

Judging by that open sunroof I imagine it’s pretty much toast by now, even if it looks okay from the outside. Mold is not something you can really ever get rid of in a modern car.

Kevin B Rhodes
Kevin B Rhodes
17 hours ago

Fire. Lots of fire.

Alpine 911
Alpine 911
12 hours ago
Reply to  Kevin B Rhodes

Yes but that also gets rid of the car

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