Welcome back to Shitbox Showdown! Today we have one reader-suggested car, and one I found to compete against it. Both are Italian, and no, neither one of them is drivable. But before we sink into those money pits, let’s see who won yesterday’s Jeep battle:
And it’s leaf springs and square headlights for the win. This is where I’d go too. I’ve always been curious about an automatic-to-manual swap, and if ever there were an ideal candidate, it’s that blue Wrangler.
Now then: the adjective “exotic” can have different connotations depending on the noun that follows it. “Exotic locale” brings to mind images of white-sand beaches and drinks served in a hollowed-out coconut. “Exotic dancer” is often said with a smirk, and certainly conjures an image, but we’re not here to judge. And “exotic car?” Chances are that when someone says that, the car that comes to your mind was made in Italy. Italian car names just sound exotic: Ferrari. Lamborghini. Maserati. Alfa Romeo. They sound cool, feel cool to say, and immediately make you think of speed, style, and a little bit of magic.
But what if your Italian exotic has four doors, and can easily be mistaken for a Chevy or a Datsun? Is it no longer worth the trouble? Or is it a cheap point of entry to the world of Italian cars? And how cheap is cheap enough for you to take the plunge? Let’s take a look at a couple of Italian sedans and see.
1986 Maserati 425 Biturbo – $3,500
Engine/drivetrain: Twin-turbocharged 2.5 liter overhead cam V6, five-speed manual, RWD
Location: Richmond, VA
Odometer reading: 27,000 miles
Runs/drives? No, but it hasn’t been sitting for long
This car was suggested to me by reader Adam Kinsman, through our tip line, tips@theautopian.com. Thanks, Adam! I’d still like to get a more direct reader suggestion box set up, but for now, David said he’s happy to hand-copy the ads and have them delivered to me by a courier, who, ironically, drives a Courier. Anyway, what we’re looking at here is the four-door sedan version of Maserati’s notorious Biturbo line, a car designed to compete with BMW’s 3 series. Renowned for its cushy interior, reviled for its spectacularly bad reliability, the Biturbo is one of those cars you almost never see for sale running. And this boxy green sedan is no exception.
The Biturbo name comes from this car’s most famous attribute: two turbochargers, one on either bank of the 90-degree V6 engine. Turbos were all the rage in the ’80s, as they are again now, but back then the technology hadn’t really caught up to the promise of forced induction. Maserati was the first to put two turbochargers on a production engine, and it was a half-assed implementation. Two turbos under the hood, along with a marginal cooling system and no intercoolers, made for some hot underhood temperatures. Worse, those two turbos rammed all that hot air down the throat of a single Weber carburetor on these early models, resulting in a system that was a nightmare to tune. Fuel injection came along one year after this car was built, and it helped immensely, but the Biturbo’s reputation was already trashed.
This Maserati was running as recently as eight months ago, which is a good sign. The seller is willing to revive it for some extra money, but you know it’s just going to break down again. Better to tow it home yourself and get to know it. This one does appear to be suffering from the other Biturbo characteristic problem, electrical issues, judging by the wires hanging out of the center console, connected to what look like Radio Shack toggle switches. Cosmetically it looks all right anyway, except for a mismatched trunk lid.
These cars are said to be great to drive, when they’re running. The trouble is that they’re complex, fragile, and high-maintenance, and parts aren’t cheap. And for all that trouble, you get a car that may drive like a fine Italian sports sedan, but looks disappointingly like a contemporary Chevy Cavalier.
1977 Alfa Romeo Alfetta – $1,000
Engine/drivetrain: 2.0 liter dual overhead cam inline 4, five-speed manual, RWD
Location: Sacramento, CA
Odometer reading: 65,000 miles
Runs/drives? Nope
Jeremy Clarkson once said that Alfa Romeo builds cars “to be as good as a car can be, briefly.” I’ve only had the pleasure of driving one, a scruffy 1984 Spider that I was once thinking of buying, but it was indeed magnificent to drive – until it started sputtering and stalling at every red light. Honda Civics they are not. But then, no Civic ever made that Alfa twin-cam sound, or hustled through a corner with that delicate balanced-on-a-knife-edge handling feel. But then again, neither has this particular Alfa. Not for many years.
In the US, the Alfetta came with a 2.0 liter version of Alfa’s iconic twin-cam four, equipped with fuel injection for emissions control reasons. We also got bigger and uglier bumpers than the rest of the world, though this Alfetta appears to be missing its front bumper. The Alfetta is rear-wheel-drive, but it’s not some common live axle, or even semi-trailing arms like the Maserati; it’s a racy DeDion tube axle with a Watts linkage surrounding a rear-mounted transaxle with inboard disc brakes. This setup gave the car near-perfect weight distribution and excellent handling.
Sadly, this poor Alfa appears to have been left to languish in a forlorn parking lot in California. The interior is shot, the paint (a repaint apparently; it looks like the car was originally yellow) looks like hell, and who knows what condition that poor twin-cam engine is in? This car deserves better. It’s Cameron Frye’s car, for god’s sake.
But it is cheap, and Alfa has a good network of enthusiasts and clubs, and Alfetta sedans are so rare that they’d be happy to help you just to see one on the road, I’m sure.
I can hear the complaints about these two even as I write this. But as I’ve said before, the point here isn’t to feature good cars – it’s to feature interesting cars. And if it makes you all feel better, today was going to be Japanese sports cars until I got the tip about the Maserati, so we’ll do that tomorrow. Until then, just pick one. C’mon, it’s fun.
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
The Maserati is more complete, so there’s that
Car and Driver named the Maserati Biturbo the best car to lose in a nasty divorce because it would make you look like a baller, but inflict the maximum agony, expense, and occasional engine fire on the ex.
I wanna stay married, so I chose the Alfa.
OTOH, I did know of a guy in Savannah, GA who daily drove a red Biturbo, but I’m pretty sure he was connected, if you know what I mean. That car may have kept running out of fear…
Maserati.
If you’re going to buy an unreliable old Italian car, you may as well buy THE unreliable old Italian car.
Our snot-slick salesman in 1985 bribe-sold a bunch of stuff to the government of Gabon. With his sizable commission check, he bought a Maserati Biturbo. We saw this as a genuine example of cosmic justice.
Nissan Leaf swap the Biturbo
If I’m putting the time and effort into a Biturbo, it is going to be a Biporte Biturbo.
If it was the Quattroporte, it would be Maserati. But now I choose the simpler and more balanced platform, Alfa it is !
Mark are you sure Cameron’s driving an Alfa? It doesn’t look like that to me. BMW maybe?
Voted Alfa, because that’s the idiot I am today.
Yep, it’s an Alfetta. The sedan has a pronounced Hofmeister kink on the rear doors, which might be what’s making you think BMW.
Neither are going to be running all that frequently, but at least in the Biturbo I can park it in my garage, sit in it, make car noises with my mouth and pretend that I’m driving it. Not so much with the Alfa.
That Alfa has Lemons IoE winner written all over it. Gimme, gimme, gimme!
Green is always the correct color. Green with tan and mold interior is the more correct combination. Biturbo? My-turbo.
I agree that green is awesome. However the car is not.
I don’t want either one. With my Internet Monopoly money, I chose the Biturbo, maybe put a 22RE in it
Buy both and drop the Alfa twin cam in there. Change some of the badges to mess with people in the know.
What’s the difference between heaven and hell?
In heaven, the English are the cops, the French are the chefs, the Germans are the mechanics, and the Italians are the lovers.
In hell, the English are the chefs, the French are the cops, the Germans are the lovers, and the Italians are the mechanics.
Biturbo, but immediate engine and transmission swap for a 3800/5-speed setup out of a Gen-4 F-body.
Holy crap!!, For the first time ever in a SS, I’ve owned both cars!
My 425 Biturbo had fuel injection, but the same color scheme. I don’t care what TopGear said, it was one of the best driving cars I’ve ever had.
I had bought it from an old guy who had it maintained by the dealer before he got too old to row gears and let it sit in his back yard for a couple of years. It had about 90,000 kms (about 60k miles) when I got it and I put about 10k miles on it in the 3 years I had it; all the maintenance I did was new tires and an oil change when I first got it, but again I didn’t drive it a lot. As far as comfort goes, it had by far the coldest AC of any italian car I’ve ever owned/driven. It would frost the windows in the middle of summer. I sold it because of a move (had to let go of all but 2 cars).
Now for the Alfetta, I’ve owned 2 of them, one ’82 2.0 gas and a ’84 turbodiesel. The gas car I bought on a whim as a very cheap non-running parts car, but the diesel was my main daily for over 5 years. I drove it all over Europe, my ex-wife drove it as her daily for a couple years (to this day she says it was her favorite car), it was the most trouble-free Alfa I’ve had. I even have wedding pics with the Alfetta (probably one of the high points of my first marriage 🙂
As far as the 2 cars in this showdown, as much as I want to like that Alfa, it is way too far gone and would require some monumental commitment to bring back, so my vote goes to the Biturbo for its slightly less terrible state.
Alfetta. Always.
Yeah, it’d take mucho effort — and dinero — to get it right, but anyone who has ever driven one has to go with this one. Plus, I see the only really neat piece in the Maserati — the dash clock — is gone….
Granted, I’m prejudiced, as I’ve driven roach-motel Alfas and found them wonderful, and my first Biturbo experience (with a factory-fresh “prepared” press-fleet example) left me crawling along with a turbo hose that had blown off under not much pressure. But the Maserati just wasn’t all that much fun even after a couple of Pep Boys hose clamps, and the Alfas were.
The ad mentions that he has the clock and will resintall it for the sale.
Carbureted turbo with mismatched body panels and suspicious seat stains for 3x+ the price of the beaten, probably un-running project.
I’d go cheap for my Italian suffering.
Maserati for me. I can figure out the relatively simple electrics of that era. As for the carbs, I’d update it to some fuel injection system.
Either vehicle would cause heartache, loss of money, migraines and a divorce. So, why not buy both vehicles and double your pleasure, double your fun, fix it with Wrigleys Doublemint gum!
The Alfa looks really dead, so I would try my luck with the Biturbo!
If you expect it to be really shitty, and it’s only 95% shitty, you’ll be pleasantly surprised 🙂
If you’re going to make an irrational purchase, make it a big one. Maserati for me.
There are no winners here.
I’ll take the cheap mistake Alfa. The Maserati is nice enough that some overly optimistic person is going to spend thousands to repair it and still end up with a broken car. That Alfa will never run again, but it might have some value as a parts car.
The Alfa may be rougher inside and out, but the semi-hidden jankiness of the Biturbo scares me more. We’ll getta the Alfetta.
I nearly bought a 425 about 20 years ago when my friend pointed out there was no cheaper way to buy a 140mph car. Looking back on it 1) whatever the book says, that thing won’t do 140mph 2) trying it would surely break something 3) giant rolling fireball down the fast lane. No regrets.
Still, now as a classic rather than a performance beater, I’m up for it, but the coupes are better looking cars.
I mean, the TC exists, and that Alfa doesn’t rock a Busso, so I’ll take Iacocca’s Italian wet dream here.