We normally have a policy here where we avoid showing any especially graphic accidents, so you’d think a wreck that shows a fire hydrant being blasted through the head of a child wearing checkered overalls would be out of the question, but in this case, you’d be wrong. That’s because the child that got a hydrant blasted through his head this time is no ordinary child, but a boy, a big, boy, the Big Boy, and this fast-food mascot never faltered, never dropped that double-decker burger, not even when the back of his head was being blasted out by a cast-iron hydrant-missile.
The Big Boy attempted assassination by hydrant happened in Downey, California, on August 28, around two in the morning. A vehicle speeding down the road lost control and smacked into the fire hydrant, which was launched through Big Boy’s head, clipping the famous mascot’s trademark pompadour hair and blowing off the back of his head.
The driver escaped with only moderate injuries, though the Jaws of Life were required to extract her from the car, which appears to be a 2008-ish Ford Five Hundred:
The incident was captured on security cameras outside of the Bob’s Big Boy Broiler restaurant:
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Holy crap, look at that. A hydrant right through your head can really do some damage; I’m impressed the Big Boy held up as well as he did, never faltering, never falling, never dropping that delicious double-decker burger.
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In an Instagram post, the restaurant shows the injured Big Boy, face sprouting fiberglass fibers, yet still smiling, and states that he will “have the comeback of the century.”
The iron will exhibited by Big Boy and his steadfast refusal to fall, even when an entire hydrant blasts through his head, has definitely been noticed by other members of the fast-food mascot community.
Via the Unified Kingdom of Burger’s embassy in Washington, the Burger King issued a statement:
“We all want the food to be fast, but we all know the cars can be fast, too, and when they’re too fast, this is the predictable result. What is less predictable is the unshakable determination of this Big Boy, his unwavering refusal to collapse even when the very forces of the physical world ally against him. I am inspired by this young man, his burger held perpetually aloft; let it be a meaty beacon for us all.”
Also notable was the emergence from seclusion of the deposed Mayor McCheese, once head of the McDonaldland government. When the McCheese administration ended in scandal and calamity, the Mayor disappeared. But the Big Boy hydrant incident prompted the release of a terse missive from McCheese:
“This is what food mascotry is all about. Venerate the product, let nothing stop you or impede your mission. I salute the Big Boy and wish him a rapid recovery.”
The fast-food mascot community hasn’t seen this sort of unity since 2014, when many came together to mourn the Noid’s death by heroin overdose.
Our thoughts and prayers to the Big Boy in Downey. Hopefully the back of his head will be back in place soon.
In many ways, sir, the Big Boy never went away!
Johnson!
True, he has always offered the same high quality meals at competitive prices
Big Boy just sunned Waffle House so bad with their whole “We Don’t Close Unless it’s a Cat 5” baby shit, replying with “Give us a lobotomy. We don’t care. Our jacks will still flap!”
It doesn’t appear to be the model with a slingshot in his hip pocket.
Lard Lad nooooooo!
Nothing makes for more potent nightmare fuel than seeing Big Boy’s smile and stare while he’s missing the back half of his skull.
Died the way he lived!
Who’s a good boy?!
Sweep the head. Do you have a problem with that? No mercy.
No question – what the world needs more than anything now is an inspiring meaty beacon!
This appears to be a Methy situation.
Maybe she was trying to take out Dr. Evil’s getaway machine.
Years ago, when I took my wife to Metro-Detroit to visit family. I had us stop at the Big Boys on John R for breakfast. Now, every time we visit, she insists we stop there. We get it, Jason. We get it.
Big Boy salute to the heroic Big Boy in the article.
This location is independent, and the food is to be avoided at all costs.
You seem a bit salty about this location.
Odds of me going to California is between slim and none unfortunately. But now I’m curious. Since it’s an independent, what brand of coffee do they use?
“Fireplug?! Fireplug?! I said I wanted hair plugs for my bald spot!!”
If I hadn’t been reading Jason for all these years I would totally believe, after reading the second half of the article, that he’s been given some good shit during his last hospital visit.
Which is still not out of the question tbh.
There is normal Jason and good shit Jason, and a whole scholarly field to determine which articles are done by which. I’m talking Shakespeare levels of scholarly study
He nearly lost his head, but didn’t lose his head in the process.
Was that car driven by Nurse Ratched?
“The kid guns the gas, car starts to swerve
Heads for a semi-truck, jumps the curb
Truck hits a big boy in the Shoney’s parking lot
Flies through the air, takes out the bank clock
Clock strikes a light pole, transformer sparks
Lines go down, town goes dark”
I hadn’t heard someone was covering Joe Diffie’s 3rd Rock from the Sun and making a new video.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who remembers that song.
I read it to the tune. Grew up on that one
He’s put off meating his maker to live another day. Yes, I know this is not great, but in my defense, it’s a medium rarely well done.
This is SO cheesy. I hope it doesn’t kick off a pun war that ends with beef between combatants.
Indeed the steaks are high. There’s sure to be some prime ribbing here, but they’d brisket control of things before they start chucking things at each other – leading to a shanking.
You’ve been sitting there for two hours with all these puns locked and loaded, just waiting for somebody to take the bait so you could fire them off like a hydrant through the head of a Bob’s Big Boy, haven’t you?
Hahahaha…. you’ve loined your lesson, yes? I can always be counted on to be around for a wordplay battle royale. It’s a flankless job, but someone’s got to do it!
Sesame puns or brioche puns?
COTD
This is exactly how Dr. Evil escapes.
*looks at handwritten sign*
Clearly the Big Boy is a Cyberdyne Systems Model 101.
He’ll be back…
Downey, my home town, is also home to the oldest operating original Mc Donald’s in the world. Wishing Bob a “Speedee” recovery!
https://www.businessinsider.com/oldest-mcdonalds-in-photos-signs-menu-history-2022-8?op=1#merchandise-with-ronald-mcdonald-mayor-mccheese-and-other-members-of-the-mcdonalds-universe-started-appearing-on-more-merchandise-displayed-in-the-museum-30
I drove by that over the weekend. the big sign is starting to fall apart.. unsure if the city will let them repair it.. because Downey gonna Downey.
Hm, “meaty beacon” doesn’t mean what I thought it would.
Also, that’s not the Noid end I expected. This is the Noid End I expected.
That was heavy reading before 7am.
This day is going to be weird.
Neither rain, sleet, snow, or fire hydrant to the head can stop Big Boy from serving up burgers.
Jesus, that moron was flying.
In a Five Hundred no less. You see more Chevy Cavaliers still on the road these days than those.
Well the fire hydrant didn’t really have a choice. Newton’s second law and whatnot.
Fire hydrants have breakaway flanges because THIS HAPPENS EVERY DAY.
And yes, no water is spraying out because that’s not how fire hydrants work.
“When you take a whack at a Burger King, you must finish him.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown!