Good morning! Today we’re going to discuss the possible implications of that fateful five-word question: “How bad could it be?” Well, we’ve got a partially-disassembled Jaguar, and a high-end BMW that conked out in a parking lot and hasn’t started since. Neither one is for the faint of heart. Which one will tempt you to make bad choices?
Yesterday we looked at two tiny imports with even tinier engines. There was lots of talk about engine swaps in the Suzuki – and one commenter mentioned a full chassis swap onto a wrecked side-by-side frame – but in the end, the Honda Z600 won out. No need to swap the engine in that one; just get it running again, plant your foot firmly on the gas, and listen to it sing its little song.
Or at least, that’s the way I would go. I’ve always been fascinated by those early high-revving Honda engines, and I’d like to experience one for myself someday. And I’ve spent way too much time screwing around with two-stroke snowmobiles to want to mess with that Suzuki engine. It may only have a dozen moving parts in the whole thing, but there are endless ways for it to run like crap, or not run at all.
Now then: We’ve all done it. Something catches our eye, and we are powerless to resist it, no matter how many warning bells go off in our heads. Old houses, cheap boats, that aspiring model you met at the party – you just know they have the capacity to break your heart, but you go for it anyway. And you learn the hard way. (At least, one would hope.)
In the automotive world, certain cars have similar reputations, BMW and Jaguar among them. They’re nice cars, but fragile and expensive to repair when (not if) something goes wrong. And their appalling depreciation and resulting low prices make them even harder to resist. So what do you say? Let’s put on our Bad Idea Jeans, and take a look at one of each.
1990 Jaguar XJ-S Convertible – $2,500
Engine/drivetrain: 5.3-liter overhead cam V12, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Caspar, CA
Odometer reading: 114,000 miles
Operational status: Unclear – but I don’t think it’s drivable
As far as I have ever been able to tell, the only difference between a “grand tourer” and a “personal luxury coupe” is country of origin. They’re both big two-door cars meant to impress onlookers and eat up miles in style, with comfortable interiors and big engines. The Jaguar XJ-S may have succeeded the E-Type, but it was no sports car; it was a lot closer to a British Cadillac Eldorado.
The XJ-S had one thing no Cadillac had been able to boast since the 1930s, however: a twelve-cylinder engine. Jaguar’s High Efficiency V12 grew out of its earlier design and sent nearly 300 horsepower to the car’s rear wheels – at least in Britain. American XJ-Ss made do with a mere 263 horsepower – still nothing to sneeze at in the 80s and early 90s. If I’m reading the ad right, this engine is not original to the car and has only 35,000 miles on it. I think it was just recently installed and is not ready to fire up just yet. I don’t think the radiator has been put back yet.
The car itself has only 114,000 miles, and it looks pretty good. The leather and wood are in decent condition, anyway. The rearview mirror is lying on the center console, but that’s easy enough to re-glue onto the windshield. It is a British car, though, so there’s a good chance that at least some of those electrical switches are inoperative.
It’s in reasonable shape outside, but not great. There’s a pretty good ding in the passenger’s side door, and the grille is missing, though it might be in the trunk or something. The hood is, I think, just set in place, and not yet reattached to its hinges; it looks like it is completely removed in the engine bay photos.
2012 BMW 750Li (Alpina B7?) – $3,990
Engine/drivetrain: Twin-turbocharged, 4.4-liter dual overhead cam V8, six-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Portland, OR
Odometer reading: 106,000 miles
Operational status: Ran fine a month ago, now won’t start
I grew up, as so many enthusiasts my age did, idolizing BMW’s big sedans. The 5- and 7-Series sedans from the 1980s were legendary, with their shark-nosed profiles and their powerful inline sixes. It’s hard to tell exactly when these cars fell from grace; it happened by degrees. The 90s editions gained V8 engines and more rounded shapes, but still looked purposeful. But then, with a Bangle-butt here and a VANOS rattle there, they just got more bloated and complex. By the time they looked like this one, I had lost all interest.
Worse, the reassuring numbering system that had let us all know what was under the hood of any given BMW began to break down around this time. This is a 750, which should have a five-liter engine by the old numbering system, but it does not. It has a 4.4 liter V8, with two turbochargers improbably nestled between the cylinder banks. It’s powerful, certainly – it boasts an output of 400 horsepower or more – but at the cost of some truly frightening reliability problems. This one was bought at auction, parked for a month, and has not been operational since. It will run for a few seconds on starting fluid, which points to a fuel delivery problem, but BMW fuel pumps aren’t easy, or cheap, to replace. The seller seems to know this, and is dumping the car for six thousand dollars less than they paid.
Inside, it’s in nice condition, but of course it’s a hellscape of electronic gobbledygook, centered around that iDrive thingy that everyone hates so much. At least it’s old enough to have some physical controls as well. These are very comfortable cars, no doubt, but I still personally dislike the fact that “luxury” now means electronic crap rather than superb quality.
The seller calls it a 750Li M-Sport, but I don’t think that’s what it is. It has an Alpina badge on the back, and the VIN comes back as an Alpina B7, which would make it quite a bit more special, and more like 500 horsepower. That might make it more worth fixing, but no less expensive or frustrating to troubleshoot.
I guess the good thing about these two is that they’re as cheap as they’re ever going to get, so you have some wiggle room in the budget to whip them back into shape. But it won’t be easy; their current woes are likely just the beginning. Buy low and sell high is the standard advice when investing; with cars like these, I think it’s buy broken and sell running – before they have a chance to break again and break your heart in the process. So which one have you fallen for: the sleek twelve-cylinder Jag, or the lightning-fast spaceship BMW?
(Image credits: sellers)
Oh the Jag, definitely. No extra work needed, it’s already in its final form.
(Though a fresh wiring loom and a SBC/T350 swap would be a good way to restore mobility to this lawn ornament.)
*harness not loom
Going with the cheaper of the bad project ideas: the Jaguar.
This is the era when BMW went from being the pinnacle of my automotive world, to being a weird disappointment.
I’d be all over the Jag, but I’m one of those weirdos who’d much prefer a 4.0 XJ-S with a 5-speed to the V12. Pass.
the 6 was far more reliable in 1990 for sure and a manual is certainly more proper for a sporting JAAAGGgg.
No N63, no N63 ever. Unless it’s the N63 Technical Update 3, and then still no.
In a case such as this, it seems wise (and I acknowledge the use of the word “wise” is relative) to go with the lower-price option. So the XJ it is. Besides, that interior is a nice place to spend time.
IMHO the Brown ragtop would look better in my backyard, even if it ends up being an ornament. The admission fee is also considerably cheaper.
Moreover I don’t think this is a real Alpina B7. And if it is, then it lost every bit that made it valuable like the specific wheels, engine, body kit and steering wheel.
The Jag is an incomplete project car that will have crappy performance after it’s fixed. And even after it’s fixed, you’re stuck with a crappy version of the XJS with the ugly North American sealed beam headlights.
The BMW on the other hand… you might spend more fixing it, but you’ll have a much nicer driving experience once its running. And with it being an Alpina, it’s more special than that Jag.
So my vote goes to the BMW/Alpina.
However the removal of the engine is already started if you look at it that way.
This is really a neither one for me but I hate when people dont play the game so I guess the Jag? My Dad had one when I was a very little kid (like under 4) and I still distinctly remember it always being broken. The final straw was when it couldn’t make it to my grandparents and puked out all of its coolant inside the cabin. Still $2,500 is cheap for a V12 so if we’re gambling with fake internet money it’s at least the lower amount to lose.
The Jaguar has a GM automatic, so an LS swap is easy 🙂
This might be The Way.
It is the only way. Having worked on (not fixed, because jag) a V12 Jag, I can tell you it’s the only way. I’ve seen a freshly rebuild one of these engines last less than a week before a new issue. No way I would every run this car with the original engine.
Arg, this is a hard one. No bid on which will go wrong first, so at least that part of the math cancelled out. But my dislike of ragtops is warring with the weird feeling I get when I look at the profile of a long wheelbase version sedan. I went with the Jag because it’s cheaper, and I might need to borrow some silverware in the future.
Convertibles aren’t that bad. 3/4 of my fleet is equipped for open top motoring and I absolutely love it. I kinda wish my WRX was a convertible.
Biggest issue is if you use the top much? If you are handy enough to replace it every few years, and if you drive it all year long and live in a 4 season location.
This is filed under “just don’t like it.” It’s fine for some, I just won’t buy one. Normally.
NEVER buy an old XJS under the delusion that it’s cheap. Those cars were veritable nightmares to work on and notoriously unreliable. Granted, BMW is not known for reliability either, but Jaguar didn’t start getting reliable-ish until the XK8 era.
I’d stay far, far away from that car unless you have an unlimited budget and self-harm kink
I dodged an XJS shaped bullet a couple years ago. Called a guy to ask to see one and he told me he had just sold it that morning. No harm done there and I went about my life. A few weeks later, I saw the same XJS up for sale cheaper.
these are both “oh Gawd” nightmare fuel. And although the Alpina is far superior if sorted you would have to be a big gambler on the chances of it staying sorted more then say 5000 miles. The Jag really only gets my vote here because if the fuel system cannot be sorted and the other big if is will it stay cool even with the appearance of swapped parts. If not at least a nice big American V8 swaps into those real nice. Ideally a 2000 to 2006 5.3 with standalone computer is the best bet, but even basic crate 5.7 with a Holly Sniper and Lo Profile air intake hat is pretty doable on the cheap,
The XJS is considered one of the least reliable cars of all time. Staying sorted for 5k miles is a big ask of it too
Especially if retaining the V12. But that car offers more options when it fails. honestly both are likely vehicles I would applaud someone for having the guts to try to keep running, but I would never let it be me.
Is this where the expression “crying jag” originated? Still going with the Coventry Cat because things get exciting when it’s topless. Assuming that’s one of the buttons that still functions, that is.
Viking funeral for them both. Best thing for them really
Neither one. Your private parts clamped in a bench vise would cause less pain.
I’m voting for the Jaguar mainly because as long as you don’t spend another dime on it the most you can lose is $2500 when the time comes to dispose of it.
I think $2,500 is a great deal for leather patio furniture. Park it in the back yard with the top down and drink with a tv mounted on the hood. Put a grill in the trunk with a mini fridge
I’ll take the jag. worst thing that happens is an engine swap. My dad had one of these for a while. It was fun but had a habit of pissing out all it’s ATF from some unknown place. The pre-airbag steering wheel was a lot cooler than this one though!
Jag, all the way.
Excellent Showdown choices and theme as always, Mark!
will they ever let you publish your jag article? lol
I’m hoping that this year is the year for that one to finally see the light! I’m actually starting to get hazy on the details of the story, since it occurred 5 years ago now. Fingers crossed though.
Thanks for carrying the torch for it!
I guess the Jag, but only because I spent the first part of the pandemic listening to a coworker in the cube kitty-corner to mine complain about his 2013 BMW 850i. It was just problem after problem with it, especially the fuel system, and it simply didn’t seem worth the hassle. I’ve wrenched on that generation of XJ and the V12 isn’t worth it either, but at least the Jag has some charm that BMWs stopped having during the Bangle era that might make a V8 swap worth the effort.
The Alpina connection is the only real reason to think twice on the BMW. You might be able to recover the costs by parting it out though. Still it will no doubt be a nightmare that has no parts available to nurse it to the next failure,
I did have that thought, but it doesn’t seem to have many of the desirable Alpina parts left on it.
That’s only because I’m not your coworker, my XK8 spends as much time in the shop as in my garage, and that’s considered the reliable one! The XJS was notoriously bad for reliability
Indeed, XJS is a pretty unreliable vehicle for sure. I’d never spend actual money on any XJ, but if I did it would either be an XJ6 or a free XJS to do a V8 swap on…and then rewire everything else to try and get some sort of reliability out of it. I helped a friend wrench on a SBC-swapped XJ8 and it was all the other electronics that needed attention afterward – we rewired all the engine systems and fuel system, and I think when all was said and done the only original wiring left was maybe for the power windows.
The Draguar was one of my favorite Roadkill builds, and this is a perfect candidate.
I think I could make more money parting out the BMW than the Jag.
This is most likely true, but could you have fun with it at all before. I think the jag has a small but decidedly more likely chance here.
If I wanted to attempt to restore/retro-mod/just get mobile either of these, I would choose the Jag. The lack of electronics and bigger restoration community for Jags would improve my chance of getting it moving under its own power. But if I wanted an XJ-S, I can find one in better shape for not much more money. Here is a similar 1990 convertible that “ran when parked” that looks to be all bolted together for $4990.
I’ll take the Jag and an engine stand.
If it’s not an easy fix, the Jag XJS is an easy LS swap. Suddenly you’re having a hell of a lot of fun on days when you don’t feel like working on rebuilding that V12.
And when you realize that a tuned LS is better than the V12 could ever be, you’ll sell that cleaned-up and refreshed V12 for about what you paid for the whole project.
The BMW is very interesting indeed, but I can’t see nearly as straight a line between buying it and driving it, and I don’t need something taking up space in the garage until I figure that out.
And in the flip side, there is a guy in southern Kansas working on a Jag V12 swap into a nova, or something like that, replacing the fuel and ignition system to make it work, but it should bolt up to most GM transmissions from back in the day, so definitely interesting to see if the problems can be made up for with modern hot rod tricks.
“The hood is, I think, just set in place, and not yet reattached to its hinges; it looks like it is completely removed in the engine bay photos.” Yeah, it hinges forward and the grille is attached to it, so who knows about that. My dad had one of these. It was a nice tourer, but it seemed underpowered for a V12 (and it’s only got a 3 speed manual).
Its a 3spd automatic which IIRC was bought from GM.
The good news is one can replace that automatic with a 4 or 5 speed manual if you so choose.
https://www.simplyperformance.com/v12-5-speed-conversion
yes, Jaguar sourced the THM400 from GM.
They did, but the Jaguar engine had its own bellhousing (with a different bolt pattern) and TCM.
The Jag will look far better covered in dust next to my garage. I don’t have the skill or knowledge to work on either.