Car Bras Seem To Be Dying Out And That’s Fine By Me

You know what I haven’t seen out on the road in a long-ass time, that I used to see everywhere? Bras. Not the kind to restrain those magnificent markers of mammality, the car kind. You know the ones: leathern or faux-leather mask-like things strapped to the faces of cars, often in an attempt to protect them or out of some dreadfully misguided sense of style. Growing up in the 1980s and into the 1990s, these things were all over the place, making any random parking lot look like it had a sprinkling of cars that were either into some kind of kink or had compromised immune systems. But, they seem to be disappearing off our roads, so let’s take a moment to yell some shit at them as they slink out, hopefully on their way to the landfills of hell.

I realize it’s possible a lot of you may never have encountered bra-wearing cars! In that case, here, let me show you what they are:

Keep in mind, people chose to do this to their cars. They spent their own hard-earned money to apply something to their cars that gave both of these vibes, somehow simultaneously:

Yes, if your goal was to turn your car into something that managed to make people think of both bondage gimp masks and how your grandma used to sheathe her sofas in plastic covers, then a car bra was absolutely the right call.

The history of the car bra is mildly interesting, as it seems to have been something that Porsche used when doing testing, as a temporary way to protect the paint. They’d been doing this since the 356 era, and even directly referenced the practice in a 1969 ad for the 911:

They call it a bra there, too. But as far as non-manufacturer-internal-use bras go, those seem to have been born in 1961, directly inspired by these Porsche bras. According to Bill Colgan, inventor of the Colgan Original Car Bra, this is how it all started, as told in 1988:

One day a group of Lockheed engineers brought me a ragged piece of canvas with sewn-in wooden slats, rubber bands, crude hooks and other miscellaneous innovations. They asked if I would be interested in making about a dozen of these and I remember saying “What the hell is it, a chastity belt for Godzilla ?” They replied that it was a protective cover used by the Porsche factory for road testing new cars and on unofficial loan to them.

I accepted the challenge and completely redesigned the German cover, spending about as much time road testing as sewing. After about six weeks and a small mountain of scrap material we finished 12 covers. Within a week the Lockheed engineers were back asking for 50 more covers. We made a total of about 150 covers at that time, all for Porsche 356 models, until I had to discontinue the project because of an overload of upholstery work.

Much like other innovators in the automotive world, such as Bruce Meyers and his Meyers Manx kit, Colgan soon found that, after initial mockery, his product came to be copied by anyone and everyone with leather and thread:

In 1973 I applied for a $3,000 loan. When I said that I wanted the money for material to make car bras, all I could see were the soles of the banker’s shoes as he went over backwards. It was about 5 years, around 1975, that the bra began to show signs of interest for anyone other than Porsche owners. Soon it became obvious that those funny looking things were starting to sell and I was no longer the only one making bras. Now of course anyone with a sewing machine and a pepper tree to set up under is into the act. Today most people know what a bra is but I only wish some of these late-comers could have been there in the early days when only a handful of Porsche enthusiasts knew what a car bra was.

I respect Bill Colgan and what he managed to pull off, but I just can’t come around to respecting car bras. When Porsche developed them, they were for temporary testing use, for cars that would then go off to be sold, and that makes perfect sense. That’s a good application for that thing.

But that’s not how car bras were used by the people who bought them. Almost invariably, they’d just be left on the cars all the time. where, sure, they’d protect from unsightly stone chips or squished insects or whatever, but as a result you’d have that ridiculous-looking swath of black leather or vinyl all over the face of your car.

This feels like one of those cases where the cure is worse than the disease. A few stone chips or minor dents or scratches or whatever aren’t the end of the world – cars get used, out in the messy world, and imperfections add character. A big sloppy black leather Hamburglar mask on the front of your car just looks worse.

And, if that’s not enough, the protection car bras provide is, at best, illusory. Maybe you’re not getting rock chips, but that bra is also collecting grit and grime and moisture and probably a few rat poops and who the hell knows what else. When people remove car bras that have been on cars a while, they’re usually confronted with a paint-ruining mess, like what you see here:

Now, you can argue that if you’re maintaining it properly, removing the bra every month or so and carefully cleaning and drying the car, then replacing the bra, then everything would be fine. If you think that’s a reasonable thing to expect of most car owners, then I’d encourage you to go out and actually meet some human beings, who have lots of other endearing traits other than careful, regular car maintenance and often give wonderful hugs.

So, to recap, car bras look goofy, have all the character of an overly fussy grandma who is afraid to get their hair out of place, and do more damage than good, overall. So why the hell were these things ever so popular?

Happily, they don’t seem to be anymore. More modern solutions like clear-film protective car bras have replaced these by and large, though they seem to have their own significant issues when it comes to removal.

But, again, car bras seem to be disappearing, and I’m delighted. Enough with these stupid, fussy, awkward things! Your time is over! See you in hell, stupid car face mask bullshit!

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