All right; the time has come. It’s the end of the world as we know it; what will you feel fine driving? We’ve looked at a few different categories of vehicles, but you can only choose one to hop in and lead a rag-tag bunch of survivors away from hordes of shambling zombies. What’s it gonna be?
Yesterday we covered the big-vehicle end of the spectrum, and the vehicle with all the comforts of home and all the stuff you need to live in the middle of nowhere came out as a clear winner. You’ll need a lot of gas to keep it rolling down the road, but it’s fully equipped to take on just about any scenario. Safari Trek it is.
I agree. I kinda like the idea of the bus running propane instead of gasoline, but all those windows worry me, and I like the idea of being able to relieve myself inside, instead of out in the woods somewhere where anything could be lurking. And honestly, in a non-zombie scenario, I really like that Trek. I’m still not sold on the concept of a big-ass RV, but if I were to do it, this is the way I’d go.
OK, so it’s time to go, to leave the city behind, and head in the direction of that one faint radio signal you picked up, that one beacon of hope that you and your fellow survivors are clinging to. Behind you are hordes of zombies; ahead of you is the open road. You’ve been chosen to lead after how you handled yourself during that “incident” at the Red Robin. This means you’ve got your choice of the convoy’s available vehicles. We’ll recap our choices so you can make an informed decision.
1999 Chevrolet Express
This Chevy van earned its place here by being an all-enclosed alternative to a crew-cab pickup. It has a 4.3 liter V6, which is the smallest and least powerful engine available, but it’s also the most efficient. This is a great choice for extreme duty; these vans are used to it. Any vehicle that gets rented out for twenty bucks a day to anybody with a pulse has to be tough.
I feel like this is your supply vehicle for the convoy. Yeah, you could put seats in it to carry more people, but the other vehicles already have seats. This is a big empty box you can fill with whatever you need. Does that mean you want to drive it yourself, so you don’t let it out of your sight, or do you trust it to the former schoolteacher who acts as the group’s conscience?
2001 Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptor
Here’s another car used to living a hard life. In fact, it’s literally built for it. But unlike a stiff-riding work van, this one is actually comfortable. You can bring four other people along with you, too, since it’s a detective’s car and not a regular patrol car and therefore has a real, upholstered back seat.
By virtue of its power and strength, this car feels like it should either be in front or in back in a convoy, either scouting the road ahead, or running interference with anyone who might be coming up behind you. So do you take on that responsibility yourself, or do you give it to your ace wheelman who was a minor star on quarter-mile dirt tracks in the Before Times?
2014 Chevrolet Volt
Here we have the one vehicle that doesn’t actually need the sweet unleaded nectar of automotive life, at least for short distances. It’s also, at least from what I’ve seen, pretty damn quick. Its little 1.4 liter range extender doesn’t use much fuel when it is running, either. So maybe this should be the scout car?
The downside to this one might be that it’s not as outright tough as some of the others. Reliable, yes, but not as able to take a hit. So you can’t take as many liberties with it as you could, say, the van. Does that mean you take it for your own, so you can look after it, or give it to the annoying guy who will eventually end up hiding the fact that he got bitten?
1997 Safari Trek RV
And here, of course, is the flagship of your fleet, your Galactica, your Black Pearl. It’s the vehicle with all the stuff you need, as well as the center of camp when you stop for the night. It’s also where the kids and/or the elderly couple you rescued ride. It uses a lot of fuel, with that big 454 V8 between the seats, but it’s worth it.
As admiral of this little fleet, it’s your right to commandeer this vessel for yourself, but are you better utilized elsewhere? Do you want to drive something more nimble and fun and leave this lumbering whale in someone else’s care? Or do you take the comfy chair and let others buzz around protecting you?
Look, a zombie apocalypse would suck, no question about it. But a few thousand shambling undead wouldn’t stop me from being a gearhead, and I have a feeling I’m not alone. Car nerds are going to car nerd, even while the world is ending. So the vehicle you choose for your own might be the most important decision you make. You’ve got four choices. Which one are you getting behind the wheel of?
The answer is obvious but you’re gonna suffer through my nerd ramble anyway.
My bias is towards the CVPI since I own one and it’s not the worst to drive (it even has an upholsted back seat too!) but it’s been out of production for a while despite a bagillion being produced and the contents of the trunk can only be accessed by getting out of the vehicle so it’s not a bad choice but not my first.
Chevy Volt beats walking, it is a fuel sipper in relation to the rest of the gas guzzling behemoths, but it’s the worst for the side-quest distracting junk horder I know I’ll be.
RV? Simultaneously really good and really awful. But hey when you get into an Austin Powers situation because you couldn’t maneuver around the inevitable bunch of abandoned cars, you can bravely fight the horde from the safety of the roof while blating your favorite hair band…hope those zombies can’t climb.
Express takes my vote. Made em forever, add whatever comforts, organization, or people hauling capabilities you want. Extra cool points for white letter tires.
Chevy Van. It’s the best compromise if/when the convoy scatters from a an apocalyptic biker gang attack. Since it is a cargo hauler, it’s gonna have all the extra guns, ammo, axes, bows, arrows, fuel, food, etc. And for those concerned about death by midnight dump, those Home Despot 5 gallon buckets seal up reasonably tight and a pool noodle can make a reasonable post apocalyptic toilet seat.
Schoolbus.
I know it’s not on the list, but if you’ve got to bust baracades, shove aside debris/abandoned vehicles, or just generally crush some zombies in the way: nothing compares. And, honestly, it’s probably not too far off from normal use/abuse that those vehicles see on a regular basis and survive just fine.
As a backup: the van. Spares are plentiful, space in spades, and safe space to sleep indoors if needed.
I drove nearly that same Crown Vic for a number of years. It has good points and bad points. On the good. It is a great cruiser, if you’re in the front seat, and it is reliable, rugged, and easy to repair. On the downside, fuel economy is not great. Plus, the back seats really aren’t that comfortable. As long as the car is, all the length is in the hood and trunk. You’re pretty scrunched back there.
I guess it wouldn’t matter in the apocalypse, but running a P71 out front would slow your convoy down normally, unless you were bold enough to use lights and sirens. Any other CV drivers will be familiar with the ‘Halo Effect’, where driving your supposed police car on the interstate will quickly cause you to be surrounded by a halo of perfect little angels doing exactly the speed limit.
I’m glad this is about assigning which vehicle gets the convoy leader’s butt in its seat and not about picking one single do-everything vehicle.
Because as humans, our strength is in community and diversity. It falls to us to work together and leverage our individual strengths for the common good. I kinda touched on this in my assessment of the Volt. It will never be your sole post-apocalypse vehicle due to the fragile weak points and low ground clearance.
In the same way, each of these vehicles brings unique strengths and weaknesses to the table. The RV is the town hall where survivors can sleep and share stories, plan to build a new world after the dust settles. The Express is reliable logistics and even a mobile watch tower. The Panther is a bruiser who can take it right on the chin and keep protecting the others. And the humble Volt is a power plant who can keep radios and refrigerators running.
We’re all in this together.
Well said
I’d take the van, it’s a proven durable and reliable vehicle with plenty of space to play with inside.
I’d pick the bus, if it was still an option. Crown Vic gets the backup vote.
So, in the convoy, you want your Lt in the Express up front smashing the way through, the Volt 2nd with some young up-and-coming lads ready to go scout out sketchy stuff. Then the commander in the RV safely in the middle, and the Vic playing tail gunner with a couple grizzled veterans covering everybody’s ass.
Course, I’ve never led a campaign much more serious than beer incursions, so, what do I know?
In the apocalypse, even a beer run is a life and death situation.
Even before the apocalypse.
We made it to Bristol TN with time to buy beer after missing the midnight deadline in Roanoke Va by 5 minutes once 😉
I’m taking the Volt AND the Safari. There are no laws after the downfall of society Mark, so you don’t get to tell me I can only pick one.
The Volt goes to the front while plugged into the Safari that is directly behind it. Now the Volt has the range it needs. At night you reverse the switch and run the Safari’s electrical systems off the Volt’s battery. Now you have a Volt with infinite range while providing quiet power at night that won’t attract zombies or rival marauders.
I said no laws. That includes the law of thermodynamics.
This is some marvelous Futurama logic and I’m here for it.
Panther is the anther.
It’s a pretty sweet ride as-is, and can be perked up considerably with available upgrades for engine and chassis. Even with those, it will still be comfortable.
The Volt gets a solid second-place nod from me, if only because the other two wouldn’t fit in my driveway.
If I HAVE to go in this convoy, I’m taking the Van. If I’m going my own way, I am definitely taking yesterday’s bus.
I think not having to go outside in the woods in the night to take a dump trumps anything else.
Imagine surviving a horde of zombies only to get eaten at night because you were dropping a deuce and couldn’t run with your pants around your ankles. The Walking Dead missed a perfect way to kill off a character nobody liked.
As no T-topped ‘77 Trans Ams that could act as a blocker against zombie Smokies was offered this week, I’m going with the Express for versatility.
But there’s beer in Texarkana and the undead are thirsty in Atlanta!
The undead really need absinthe. Beer is going to feed their worms and cause fungus to bloom within, accelerating the rot, while absinthe has wormwood to kill the worms feeding on them.
I’m taking the lead in the Crown Vic. Next in my convoy is the Volt. He’s primarily there for silent running as night patrol. Behind him is the RV with most of the crew inside. Rear guard is the van. It’s got the machine gun cupola on the roof and the flamethrowers ready to deploy out the back doors.
LET’S RIDE!!!
If we do have a zombie uprising I want to join your convoy.
So the joke is that you don’t have to outrun the bear you just have to outrun the other humans with you. Extrapolating that logic to this situation I’d take the Crown Vic as it won’t be the slowest in the convoy because let’s be honest, once one vehicle gets overtaken by the undead hoard the other 3 are going to haul ass to Sanctuary.
I’m taking the Crown Vic. It’s the most mechanically durable of the lineup, and I’m going to need it to last for decades.
All the gas will be toast within a few years, probably less.
That’s why the Mercedes w123 was the smart choice. You could run it on veggie oil or whatever.
100% agreed.
If the parts can be found, an ethanol conversion can be done on the Crown Vic. Or even an EV conversion with scavenged parts, although if using parts from modern EVs, lack of internet will make things a lot more difficult.
My ideal single-person apocalypse vehicle is a pedal-electric-solar velomobile with a small 49cc or less ethanol or mechanical-injection diesel engine on board, that uses 16″ DOT rims(so that 20″ bicycle tires, the most common size available, can be used in a pinch if need be). Currently building that vehicle, minus the liquid fuel-powered engine.
I have escaped in the van, and am now living in it, down by the river…
If I’m in this story, I’m absolutely wheeling in the Interceptor. I’ll perform some kind of heroic ruse that distracts the hoardes and puts my life in jeopardy while the families piled in the camper and the supplies stored in the van make a clean getaway to “paradise” out the back.
Hmmm, sounds like a vaguely familiar plotline, but I can’t place it for the life of me….
I am going to violate the spirit of this competition and go with the ’77 Mercedes 300D that should have won Tuesday if voters had any sense. Zombies may eat brains, but they respect great cars, and ’70s Mercedes-Benz products have style in addition to quality. Of all the vehicles this week, the Benz is the only one I want irrespective of zombies and/or other apocalypses. So it gets my vote.
My second-place vote goes for the van. It is the vehicle most easily transformed into a mobile fortress. If RV build quality were better, I might have chosen the RV. After reading several of Mercedes’ articles about RV build quality, I’m not sure this vehicle is ready to withstand a mild spring rainstorm, much less hordes of the undead.
As part of a convoy, as the scenario says, I’ll drive the Crown Vic. If I have to go solo, it would be the Express.
I think everyone was wrong here, as the right answer was always the Peugeot 106 with the 1.5 non turbo diesel engine. Will run on pretty much anything you throw in it, 600 miles to a tank, and lift-off oversteer is available if you can ever get it going fast enough
The van is the easy winner here. Reliable as a rock, it gives you the best maneuverability and interior space balance. You can build your own A-Team.
Van. Dead reliable drivetrain, big enough to have space to be comfortable but not so big to become issue. Part interchangeability is literally everywhere. I’m sure could even scavenge a propane conversation from a donor vehicle and gain benefit of yesterday’s schoolie.
2nd place would be Volt simply because of the ability to charge (slowly) from solar if needed.
Everyone who voted for the RV yesterday was wrong as such they’re now dead in our hypothetical apocalypse.
I’ll take that bus and live out in the woods thank you very much.