Welcome to another Friday edition of Shitbox Showdown! Today, we’ve got four cars that all run and drive, so I’m going to give you a use-case scenario to help you choose between them. But first, we need to officially crown our fourth winner for the week.
Yesterday‘s cars were very similar, except for their country of origin. It was kind of a close race, but a majority of you agreed that there were just too many unknowns with the Mexican Cutlass, and the Pontiac 6000 took home the prize. I think this is the right call. And I’d take the Pontiac anyway, because somehow it’s the only major US-market GM division I haven’t owned a car from yet, and I’d like to complete the set.
Anecdotally, regarding Mexican cars: My wife and I, shortly before we got married, wanted to take a day trip to Tijuana. I called our insurance agent before we went, and was told in no uncertain terms that my car would have zero coverage in Mexico (I drove a one-year-old Ford Focus at the time), and was strongly advised to walk across the border, and leave the car parked on US soil. And as soon as I saw the condition of the average cars on the streets in Tijuana, I understood why.
All right. Now, to help you choose between the week’s winners, I have a scenario for you: It’s date night. Could be with your spouse/significant other, could be a first date with someone you’re trying to impress. Either way, the car gods have thrown a wrench at you, quite literally. Your usually trustworthy mechanic Dieter had a bad day, threw a tantrum, and knocked a hole in your oil pan with a breaker bar. The shop is taking care of it, but they can’t get a new pan in time for your big night.
However, they do have four loaner cars parked in back. You guessed it: this week’s winners. One of them will have to do. Taking into consideration comfort, reliability, and that all-important wow factor, you have to choose one of these as your chariot for the evening. Let’s recap so you can make an informed decision.
2012 Hyundai Elantra GLS
Back in the ’80s, store-brand products didn’t really exist much. Instead, the non-name-brand stuff was often in plain white wrappers, simply labeled with the contents. Hungry? Grab a can of Luncheon Loaf, and wash it down with everyone’s favorite, Cola. It didn’t take long, naturally, for some clever soul to take a plain white economy car, add a barcode to the door, and simply label it “Car” in the same font. This is what comes to mind when I think of the Hyundai Elantra, on the rare occasions when I think of it at all.
I’ve probably rented one at some point; I don’t know. I’m sure it goes when you press on the gas and stops when you switch to the brake, and when you get out of it, you’ll be in a different place than when you got in. Probably to meet up with your generic friends at TGI Applechili’s for some overpriced and mysteriously bland jalapeño poppers. Look; it’s a car. It does car stuff, pretty reliably most of the time.
1990 Daihatsu Rocky
Once upon a time, when young people could actually afford to buy new cars sometimes, automakers marketed cars specifically towards young drivers. They were usually small, efficient, and inexpensive, and had a quality not often found in today’s cars, or anywhere else for that matter: fun. Look at this happy little off-roader! It’s got splashy graphics on the side in bright colors! It has a friendly name that makes it sound tough, but approachable. Drive it to the beach! Hell, drive it on the beach! You’re young; enjoy yourself.
What’s that? I can’t hear you. Yeah, it’s a little loud inside. I’ll turn up the Right Said Fred cassette to try to drown out the road noise from those big honkin’ tires. Yeah, it’s got air conditioning, but if I turn it on, it won’t go over 50 MPH, sorry. Wait, hang on – there’s a train crossing coming up. Grab that oh-shit bar so you don’t hit your head on the ceiling.
1988 Mazda 323 GTX
Come on. Who doesn’t want to be a rally driver? Blasting along rough roads in a car that looks like a grocery-getter but makes whooshy turbo noises and is all-wheel-drive, hanging on to the bare edge of control. And you can dazzle your date with your encyclopedic knowledge of FIA World Rally Championship facts and figures on your way to the winery. No; you didn’t pick this winery because it’s at the end of a five-mile-long dirt road. Don’t be silly.
I’m pretty sure this one has air conditioning too, so there’s that. But I don’t think anyone has fixed that oil leak yet, so it might be a little smelly, and possibly smoky. Don’t worry; it won’t catch fire. Probably.
1985 Pontiac 6000 STE
“We Build Excitement” was Pontiac’s slogan when this car was built, and I mean, yeah, compared to a Dodge 600 or a Ford Tempo, it’s kind of exciting. You can rev it up and watch that bar-graph tach go up and down, at least. More to the point, though, it’s nice and comfy. Also, it has a pretty big back seat, so it offers the possibility of other forms of excitement.
But it is just a boxy GM sedan, which means it would be hard to shake the feeling that you’re borrowing your grandma’s car. Except we all know Grandma wouldn’t have sprung for the STE. She’s on a fixed income, after all. And who needs all those fancy-pants gizmos and whatsits, anyway? Don’t go throwing your money around like that.
None of these is going to impress anyone at all, obviously. But if you want to go to that nice restaurant for dinner, you’re going to have to rely on one of them. And at the end of the night, you’re going to have to ask the valet to bring it back up front for you. Which one do you want to see pull up?
(Image credits: Craigslist and Facebook Marketplace sellers)
I’m taking my date to the beach, so Rocky it is!
323 GTX. It’s not even close. The Daihatsu is my second choice but it’s a distant second.
Rally car please.
I’m sure I can find another shit box 80’s GM sedan if I really want one. Hell, make mine a Buick in that case.
Because I am old enough to be someone’s grandfather, I’ll take the Pontiac without apology. Sometimes comfort > literally everything else.
My wife would not care at all about what car we take so it’s all on me and I’d choose the Mazda! Seems like a fun little car.
The Pontiac has an appropriate back seat for date night shenanigans.
Ironically, picking your date up in that car might be the thing that prevents the back seat from being used.
Yes, I think the ship sailed about 20 years ago for that to be an acceptable ride to pickup any date. Even if you are 17 and working at Taco Bell.
It was a tough call between the Rocky and the Mazda, but the Rocky seems to be calling me today so I’m going with it.
Well, I’m just borrowing it, right? Just until that idiot fixes my oil pan?
If I don’t have to own it, I want the newest, cleanest loaner available- and that is unquestionably the Hyundai.
As much as I do like the 6000, it’s got too much grandparent vibe, so I’m taking the Rocky sans the roof.
My Husband gets me – We’re taking the Mazda
I was going to pick the Mazda, but went with the Pontiac instead because back seat room. Hubba hubba!
I’m going with the Hyundai. From my experience, most women couldn’t care less about what you drive, as long as it is clean and not a complete POS. You might score some points with a Bentley or Lamborghini, but you aren’t going to impress your date with a cheap niche vehicle that appeals to a small subset of car enthusiasts.
I really like the Mazda and the Daihatsu, but those are 4th date cars at the earliest.
Mazda all day, and twice on Sunday.
We’re not talking major cash here, so why not go for the fun?
Alternate: Rocky. Solid little lump,
I went on the first date that I could drive myself to in an 85 Pontiac 6000. Mine had the front bench seat, which was a nice high school date night feature. For the question posed today I chose the Mazda.
So the most logical choice is in last place. God bless The Autopian and all you fine readers!!!
This is the way!
I own a newer Elantra and it was still at the bottom of my list today.
My wife would be the most likely to appreciate the Pontiac, we had an Oldsmobile at some point that was probably the same basic car, and she thought that thing was hilariously awesome, but who am I kidding? I had a Celica GT-Four for a bit and she hated that thing so… You had me at turbo manual AWD.
Who I’m taking out to date night matters here.
My spouse? The Mazda. Why? She may hate it, but probably not enough to divorce me about it. Yay for commitment!
Bland fiancée? The Elantra. Yes, I am decent marriage material, possibly could be a responsible parent, and may be able to not blow house downpayment money on silly cars.
Adventurous fling date? The Rocky. Off road adventure under the stars! It’ll be a story for both of us, but at least it won’t be boring.
I’m dating this much older person because I think there’s a payout here? The Pontiac. Probably because they owned one new and could wax nostalgically about it. Whatever, they’re 40 years my senior. Marry for money first, right? Or love? Do I have that backwards?
Wow, you really thought this through from all angles.
Love of money.
Elantra will be the least offensive to the wife so it wins by default. My heart says Mazda but I doubt she would even get into it. Can I go on date night alone, or maybe guys night out?
I’ll go on a date with you in the Mazda! The wives can stay home and complain about our taste in cars haha.
This has all the potential for a Bad Idea Night.
I choose the Rocky and I’m going to take the top off hoping that it might inspire my date to do likewise.
Well, the GTX fits my personality the best, so if she doesn’t like it, she’s not gonna like me!
You speak truth sir.
Well, after being married 20 years and us needing a comfortable 4-seater, my wife basically said “it’s time to buy a GTI”. If I picked her up while we were dating with a stick-shift AWD hot hatch, we’d have been arguing about who was going to drive!
Sigh – I chose poorly. Had a 5 speed ’94 SHO, V8 ’96 T-bird and an ’89 Cherokee 4 door when we met over 21 years ago.
Picking up a date in any of these pretty much guarantees you’re driving home alone at the end of the evening, so might as well make it a fun drive – the 323
Dates are about making people feel special.
It’s the Rocky or the rocket, and I can’t say no to a homologation rally car. I’ll just mount a fire extinguisher in the passenger footwell and bring a red X card.
I would choose the Rocky or the 323. Since I have to pick one, 323 it is.
For one day? Absolutely thrashing the hell out of the homologation rally car.
I may even cancel the date to spend more time drifting the local dirt roads.
We’re taking the Elantra.
1. Most likely to have working AC
2. Probably least likely to have some sort of issue causing problems getting there and/or home
3. I am an attention whore. I don’t need the vehicle distracting my date from me.
Pontiac. My father worked for them for 31 years, so I have a soft spot and it would be a good conversation starter. Besides, it’s like a rolling living room. Only thing missing is the bordello red interior, baby.
Second would be the Hyundai, since it’s likely reliable, comfy, and let’s face it, a decent appliance on wheels.
The Rocky looks like fun, but it’s a little sketchy. Those were built when sound deadening wasn’t a thing. My hearing is shit thanks to years of tinnitus, so yelling “what” everytime my date says something isn’t my idea of a good time. Or hers.
The 323 is lots of fun, if you happen to be the driver. Anyone else in that car endures loud-ass noises and smells. Good for a first last date unless your date is a serious gearhead. In which case, he or she is kicking your ass out of the driver seat.
Same here. That Mazda interior looks and smells like a frat boy’s room.
Count me out.
If you look at how cars have grown, I would bet that Elantra is bigger than the Pontiac actually.
Close: 106 in wheelbase vs 105 for the Pontiac, The Pontiac is 10 inches longer overall and width difference is splitting hairs. The Pontiac will be roomier inside without all the trim bloat. These were tidy, trim cars.
I’m in agreement here. Of the cars listed, it’s the one I’d least want to own, but it’s the best choice for date night. Good thing it’s only a loaner.