Welcome to another Friday edition of Shitbox Showdown! Today, we’ve got four cars that all run and drive, so I’m going to give you a use-case scenario to help you choose between them. But first, we need to officially crown our fourth winner for the week.
Yesterday‘s cars were very similar, except for their country of origin. It was kind of a close race, but a majority of you agreed that there were just too many unknowns with the Mexican Cutlass, and the Pontiac 6000 took home the prize. I think this is the right call. And I’d take the Pontiac anyway, because somehow it’s the only major US-market GM division I haven’t owned a car from yet, and I’d like to complete the set.
Anecdotally, regarding Mexican cars: My wife and I, shortly before we got married, wanted to take a day trip to Tijuana. I called our insurance agent before we went, and was told in no uncertain terms that my car would have zero coverage in Mexico (I drove a one-year-old Ford Focus at the time), and was strongly advised to walk across the border, and leave the car parked on US soil. And as soon as I saw the condition of the average cars on the streets in Tijuana, I understood why.
All right. Now, to help you choose between the week’s winners, I have a scenario for you: It’s date night. Could be with your spouse/significant other, could be a first date with someone you’re trying to impress. Either way, the car gods have thrown a wrench at you, quite literally. Your usually trustworthy mechanic Dieter had a bad day, threw a tantrum, and knocked a hole in your oil pan with a breaker bar. The shop is taking care of it, but they can’t get a new pan in time for your big night.
However, they do have four loaner cars parked in back. You guessed it: this week’s winners. One of them will have to do. Taking into consideration comfort, reliability, and that all-important wow factor, you have to choose one of these as your chariot for the evening. Let’s recap so you can make an informed decision.
2012 Hyundai Elantra GLS
Back in the ’80s, store-brand products didn’t really exist much. Instead, the non-name-brand stuff was often in plain white wrappers, simply labeled with the contents. Hungry? Grab a can of Luncheon Loaf, and wash it down with everyone’s favorite, Cola. It didn’t take long, naturally, for some clever soul to take a plain white economy car, add a barcode to the door, and simply label it “Car” in the same font. This is what comes to mind when I think of the Hyundai Elantra, on the rare occasions when I think of it at all.
I’ve probably rented one at some point; I don’t know. I’m sure it goes when you press on the gas and stops when you switch to the brake, and when you get out of it, you’ll be in a different place than when you got in. Probably to meet up with your generic friends at TGI Applechili’s for some overpriced and mysteriously bland jalapeño poppers. Look; it’s a car. It does car stuff, pretty reliably most of the time.
1990 Daihatsu Rocky
Once upon a time, when young people could actually afford to buy new cars sometimes, automakers marketed cars specifically towards young drivers. They were usually small, efficient, and inexpensive, and had a quality not often found in today’s cars, or anywhere else for that matter: fun. Look at this happy little off-roader! It’s got splashy graphics on the side in bright colors! It has a friendly name that makes it sound tough, but approachable. Drive it to the beach! Hell, drive it on the beach! You’re young; enjoy yourself.
What’s that? I can’t hear you. Yeah, it’s a little loud inside. I’ll turn up the Right Said Fred cassette to try to drown out the road noise from those big honkin’ tires. Yeah, it’s got air conditioning, but if I turn it on, it won’t go over 50 MPH, sorry. Wait, hang on – there’s a train crossing coming up. Grab that oh-shit bar so you don’t hit your head on the ceiling.
1988 Mazda 323 GTX
Come on. Who doesn’t want to be a rally driver? Blasting along rough roads in a car that looks like a grocery-getter but makes whooshy turbo noises and is all-wheel-drive, hanging on to the bare edge of control. And you can dazzle your date with your encyclopedic knowledge of FIA World Rally Championship facts and figures on your way to the winery. No; you didn’t pick this winery because it’s at the end of a five-mile-long dirt road. Don’t be silly.
I’m pretty sure this one has air conditioning too, so there’s that. But I don’t think anyone has fixed that oil leak yet, so it might be a little smelly, and possibly smoky. Don’t worry; it won’t catch fire. Probably.
1985 Pontiac 6000 STE
“We Build Excitement” was Pontiac’s slogan when this car was built, and I mean, yeah, compared to a Dodge 600 or a Ford Tempo, it’s kind of exciting. You can rev it up and watch that bar-graph tach go up and down, at least. More to the point, though, it’s nice and comfy. Also, it has a pretty big back seat, so it offers the possibility of other forms of excitement.
But it is just a boxy GM sedan, which means it would be hard to shake the feeling that you’re borrowing your grandma’s car. Except we all know Grandma wouldn’t have sprung for the STE. She’s on a fixed income, after all. And who needs all those fancy-pants gizmos and whatsits, anyway? Don’t go throwing your money around like that.
None of these is going to impress anyone at all, obviously. But if you want to go to that nice restaurant for dinner, you’re going to have to rely on one of them. And at the end of the night, you’re going to have to ask the valet to bring it back up front for you. Which one do you want to see pull up?
(Image credits: Craigslist and Facebook Marketplace sellers)
I would drive the panties of my girlfriend with that Mazda.
The Poncho.
It says old school I don’t give a f**k.
Let’s party.
The brain says Mazda, the heart said Rocky.
“And as soon as I saw the condition of the average cars on the streets in Tijuana, I understood why.”
I was shocked myself 25 years ago on my first visit there at the complete absence of any fucks whatsoever*. Even the buildings and some roads are terrible.
*Except for some parts of town I only heard about where I assume ALL the fucks are.
To me, it came down to the Rocky and 323. The Hyundai is the newest with AC and all, but is bland as hell. The 6000 is a good car, but my father gave me his, and failed to tell me there was a leak in the radiator, so I would just have bad memories of getting stranded in it.
While I always liked the Rocky and wanted it (or the Dodge Raider, also a two door, basically a Mitsu Pajero), I’ve wanted the 323 GTX more. I would do a restoration on it, including a manual swap, if I ever bought one. So it’s 323 to me.
For a date night? Unfortunately the only real choice is the Hyundai, because the interior is at least not grody as hell. If I had time to clean – say a solid week – I’d go with the Pontiac.
The fun little Mazda of course
So much depends on the who the person is that you’re picking up. If I was picking up my wife, the Hyundai would be the way to go. She wants a car that she doesn’t have to worry about and that has working AC. If I was picking up a particular old girlfriend, it would be the Mazda, and she would insist on getting behind the wheel. In this case, I voted Elantra.
Mazda for me.
Call me Stallone, because I’m all about that Rocky.
In my current sitch Either the 323 or the Rocky, but probably the 323. I’m married, and they’d know what to expect at this point. Roll back the clock to a younger and single-er me on a 1st date and I’d take the damn Kia every time. Back then rental-spec econo boxes were positively luxurious compared to the garbage I was driving. It probably starts from the key and has AC!
WHERE IS THAT 323GTX BEING SOLD??? I will buy it
Vancouver WA. Heres a link to it: https://www.facebook.com/marketplace/item/1020167159512617/
I’m 10+ years into marriage, so no need to go crazy putting on airs. I’ll take the Mazda and the eyerolls from my wife when I explain to her why it’s such a cool little car.
If nothing else, it’s what the other half expects you to do. With an 80’s flair.
Mazda 323GTX for me. It’s easily the most special out of all of these.
Regarding a vehicle that will impress for a first date, none of these have nice heated leather seats. And none have a luxury brand. So none of these will really impress on a first date. So I might as well pick something I like the most.
Sidenote: In my observation, interesting/classic/performance vehicles will attract MEN. So if you’re a woman who wants to attract/impress women, get a car like that.
If you’re a man and wants to attract women, the best car to show up in, at least in the Toronto area, is something that is clean, has heated leather seats in the winter, has good working A/C in the summer, has nice shiny black paint and has leather/leatherette seats. In my observation, most women don’t know, care or really appreciate classic or performance vehicles… or vehicles that are special like the 323GTX.
The Hyundai is an appliance unsuited to a first date. The Pontiac just isn’t me. I’d probably like driving the Mazda the most, but tossing your date around like a loon often precludes a second chance, so Rocky for me
I’d take the Mazda. No need wasting a second date on someone that’s put off by it.
She’d find out eventually anyway.
Having a car with some character provides easy go-to conversation, so the Hyundai is immediately out and better leave the Pontiac, too. That leaves you with either the Rocky or the Mazda, depending on which fits your personality better. You don’t have to drive it crazy (off- or on-road), but it still puts your “car enthusiast” qualities on the table. I voted for the Mazda, but it would’ve been a coin toss how I felt that day.
problem is, that bland one, if it has no major issues looks less like a shit box than the rest. I suppose it depends on the girl, but I have to imagine a really old hot hatch might only be attractive from a character stance for 40 year old guys?
Hear me out, Pontiac. As people of a certain age my SO and I both remember when these were still new and better than most of the cars people of our generation drove.
A few hours before date night, stop off at the local stereo shop, and get some new speakers and subs tossed in it, along with a bluetooth head unit.
Quick swing through the wheel and tire show for some improperly offset wheels and 50 series tires stretched onto them, along with a quick torching of the springs.
Then we hit the drag for a cruise bumping 90s hip hop on our way to dinner.
I drove a GTX for the first 50,000 miles of its life. I spent a couple of track days driving it when track days were in their infancy. I had this car during one of those rare times in my single years when I had a girlfriend. Easy call.
I’m single and in the dating pool, so here is my logic:
the real benefit for the rocky is the extremely tight quarters. Just wear good deodorant.
Just because it’s more fun and because it’s the only case in which the car matters at all, I’m going with the “first date” scenario. The Hyundai is way too bland and the Pontiac is way too Grandpa for a first date. That leaves the Mazda and the Rocky. There’s no way to drive that Mazda conservatively, so there’s an argument to be made that if she’s up for a second date after being flung around all over the place, then she’s a keeper. But I’m going with the thought that most gals (me being a heterosexual male) would find the Rocky to be cute and fun and would give you plenty of options for places to park, should you luck out and find that to be a consideration.
Pretty much my thought process. I think it works if you’re married or single. It’s a fun retro kind of car. The Hyundai is boring and forgettable no matter what. The Pontiac is Grandpa Joe’s mobile complete with cigarette smoke and Dinty Moore farts. The Mazda isn’t bad but potential oil smoke and the questions about “are we safe” or is my car going to explode would get old. So that leaves the Rocky. It’s fun with cool graphics etc. My wife would love it as she grew up in the Rockies so win win.
So far that hasn’t gotten in the way of David and Elise (not her real name).
That is true. His girlfriend does seem to be a patient person considering his unique vehicle choices and tolerance for rust. But as I recall, she has a Lexus SUV so maybe as long as she has that as her primary vehicle, she’s cool with whatever DT is driving.
I always think of Elise (not her real name)’s Lexus as akin to the bank accounts and career skills that housewives are advised to hold onto just in case.
Well, the Pontiac will make me look like a Dwight Schrute, a nerd with all the wrong vives. The Dahiatsu would make me impersonate Michael Scott, trying too hard to cling on a youth that I possess no more. With the Mazda I would look childish as B.J., and equally prone to fuck up.
That leaves the Hyundai. And leaves me alone to try and be myself, foregoing any expectation on a car-based wow factor.
Best car is the Mazda, easily, but in terms of what I’d want the valet retrieving at a fancy restaurant on date night, my wife would find it absolutely hilarious to see that 40 year old Pontiac shitbox pull up.
As an exemplary companion, I would call and ask my date which car they would prefer for the evening.
As a truly awful person, I would take the Mazda and tell my date their choice wasn’t available for the night.
There’s a reason I am forever alone.