Designer Lincolns In A Fancy Faceoff: 1984 Lincoln Town Car Cartier vs. 1977 Lincoln Continental Mark V Givenchy

Towing a British sports car across the country with a pickup truck that’s older than some of the staff members seems like a trip that’s Autopian in every way. Most importantly, it means that something catastrophic is going to go wrong. Our own Mark Tucker is apparently taking such a journey now, and if you’re surprised that he’s stranded somewhere in Kansas with busted brakes, then you don’t read enough of this website.

Anyway, our grease-covered and beat colleague has asked us to chip in with the Shitbox Showdown for a few days, so let’s see what damage we can do to his precious baby.

Objects from fancy designer brands are never cheap. You see someone walking out of a Gucci store with a tiny bag you can figure they just dropped a few hundred bucks on something, but if they leave holding a grocery-store-sized bag you can assume the item inside costs as much as a used car.  In fact, today we’re going to look at actual shitboxes branded with designer names which you can purchase for the price of a much, much smaller brand-new item from the same storied name.  Let’s take a look.

The Cartier brand is known for their quality timepieces such as the iconic Tank watch, worn by the likes of Andy Warhol and other celebrities. Here’s one you can buy now for a cool $5800; I’d love to get one but it likely won’t help you get to work in the morning. Ah, but this Lincoln Town Car Cartier seems like it could do that in style.

Location: Rock Falls, IL

Odometer Reading: 51,000 miles

Runs/Drives: Like a watch, apparently

This one on Facebook Marketplace appears to be in pretty good nick with a mere 51,000 miles on it and a very clean interior. I actually owned a 1988 model of this very car with a mere 200,000 on the odometer which was a remarkably pimptastic car so one that has one less trip to the moon and back on the clock must drive a treat.

The ad says nothing about the functionality of the air conditioning, which is the primary reason you would buy a car like this but if this thing has had a much work done as the ad states, the investment of getting that blowing meat-locker-cold would be worth it.

Man, I had the same interior in my later car, and I do have to say that as dumb as it looks there was nothing like hopping into this thing at seven o’clock at night after a long day at work and just wafting home.

The only thing that’s a bit of a misnomer to me for a “Cartier Lincoln” not to have an actual Cartier clock on the dashboard. This one has the digital gauge cluster with glowing blue digits, but maybe it has “Cartier electronics” powering the timepieces.  I would hope so since if I recall that cluster costs something like $800 when it “goes bad”.

1977 Lincoln Continental Mark V Givenchy – $8000

Engine/Drivetrain: 7.5 liter V8, 208 HP (seriously)

In the late seventies, Lincoln employed the services of a number of highbrow designers from major luxury brands to create versions of their luxury cars. Supposedly the unique color combinations and interior finishes were hand-picked by the designers, but if you take the ad copy with a grain of salt there’s a possibility that the Dearborn offices of Ford just sent a large check to the participants in exchange for the rights to the name.  Regardless, the brands like Givenchy survive to this day and still make products with eye-watering prices like this crocodile bag for $11,000.

Location: Linden, NJ

Odometer Reading: 105,245

Runs/Drives: has that in the bag

How much Givenchy branded car can you get for that money? Quite a lot if you’re looking at steel-to-dollar ratio, as this 1977 Lincoln Mark V Givenchy edition proves. Photos show a car not quite as clean as the newer Town Car in our showdown but with this you’re getting a Lincoln from the days before the word “downsizing” ever existed.

There are tutorials available on how to best photograph a car for selling, yet the owner of this thing does not appear to have read them (or maybe they just missed the helpful tip to “shut the engine hood.”) Also, for whatever reason when I see a Lincoln Mark with Jersey plates in front of a body shop I just assume a body is in the trunk.

The wine-colored leather goes well with the Givenchy-spec metallic salmon finish has seen better days but the interior isn’t bad, though when I see a moon roof I automatically think leaks and carpet that smells like the south side of San Francisco at low tide. The interior reminds me of the car used in the Alanis Morrisette Ironic video.

Regardless, you could likely buy a better car, but not a bigger one.

So what’s it gonna be? Does a luxury car with the name of a fancy clock maker strike your fancy, or maybe a high-end fashion brand is more to your tastes? Or, do you just say forget it and spend that cash on a brand-new luxury item that won’t leak oil on your driveway?