Earlier today, our own David Tracy wrote about a new Dodge ad for their upcoming Dodge Charger Daytona, which is, essentially, an electric muscle car, and how hard Dodge is working to cast electric cars in the same bad-ass, rule-breaking mold that muscle cars have traditionally wanted to be cast into. That’s great and all, there’s no reason why an electric car can’t be a muscle car, after all. My problem is that Dodge seems so stuck on the old trappings of musclecardom that they’re missing out on a huge opportunity to really re-thing all the muscle car tropes. Luckily for them, I’m here to help.
So, far, so much of what Dodge has been doing is attempting to emulate the visceral physical experience of an old-school, V8, gas-burning muscle car. The efforts put into this endeavor are staggering – remember the Fratzonic Chambered Exhaust System? Dodge got a patent for that, and it’s basically an elaborate contraption of speakers and resonators and vibrators designed to mimic the sounds and feelings of a big, throaty V8.
It’s so much complexity and work to fake noises. I mean, look at this diagram of the motors mounted on the frame designed to shake the damn car:
It’s just ridiculous. And people aren’t reacting well to these efforts to fake V8 sounds and feelings, because people fundamentally don’t like when things are, you know, fake. That’s why we see responses like these:
So, that’s why when I see Dodge attempting to cast their new EV muscle car as bad-ass in ads like this latest one:
…I think they’re fundamentally doomed, because all they’re really doing is emulating the feeling and sounds of combustion muscle cars, and in that act they’re telegraphing an uncomfortable truth: deep-down, they wish they still had big, exhaust-belching V8s.
Well, Dodge, you don’t. At least not for this car. And it’s time you just accepted it, and stop all this incessant whining and pining for something you’ll never be. It’s embarrassing, all these speakers and resonators and shaker motors and whatever. And, even worse, it’s not even necessary!
What Dodge needs to do is embrace the electron! They need to stop crying about not being a combustion car, and look for the unique features of electricity, and really make those the new hallmarks of what a muscle car is! We already know electric motors have plenty of power and gobs and gobs of torque, so they can already perform as well or better than a V8, they’re just not as good about the drama.
But there’s plenty of drama in electricity! The stuff’ll kill you, for one. You want a muscle car to feel dangerous and flashy and confident and powerful? Then boy do I have some ideas for you, and by “you” I mean Dodge, who should take some motherflapping notes.
Okay, first, how do we find an electric analogue to something like a shaker hood? If we don’t have big, dramatic air scoops that wobble back and forth as the engine idles, what else can we have on the hood? How about a some raw motherfucking electrical plasma? I’m talking Jacob’s Ladders!
Hell yeah, Jacob’s Motherfucking Ladders! You want excitement on your hood that beats some boring old shaker hood air cleaner bullshit? Imagine arcs of electricity running up the hood, increasing in frequency with the throttle!
Look what these things are like in person, as shown by a little Lego guy:
Imagine those electrical arcs climbing up a hood as you drive, crackling and sparking, casting a vivid, intense purplish glow of raw electrical plasma. That‘s how you make a new electric muscle car vocabulary!
Is it dangerous as hell? I don’t know exactly; probably? But Stellantis has great engineers somewhere, right? – they can figure something out, right? And if they can’t, they have lawyers and lobbyists, don’t they? I’m sure they do! Do I have to do everything around here?
Will it deplete battery range? Sure, probably. But it’s no different than burning a bunch of gas needlessly revving your old Hemi – looking cool ain’t free, fuckos.
I know the lack of big honking exhaust pipes gets a lot of rapidly-aging muscle car freaks all bent out of shape about EVs. But what if we could replace those exhaust pipes with something even better? Something like this:
Van De Graaff generators! Yes, those static-electricity-generating spheres that make your hair stand on end, only here mounted at the rear of the car, in place of exhaust pipes, sending sparks and arcs between a pair of orbs! Has any muscle car owner ever not wanted a big ol’ pair of balls on their car? And with cracking and popping sparks and bolts of micro-lightning going on between the balls, what is not to be thrilled by here?
Also, I think the static electricity generated here is pretty harmless, so if a dog rubs up against these, they’ll just look funny for a moment as their hair stands up, but no harm done.
Now, a big part of Muscle Car Culture are burnouts, as we all know. An EV is as capable of doing a smoky burnout as any V8 is, but it doesn’t have the exhaust note or smells or some of the other visceral elements. But it could have something even better: sparks.
There’s no reason, and I mean no reason why a car can’t have sensors that detect a certain amount of wheelspin, identify the car is in a burnout situation, and then deploy spark-generating apparatuses that shoot out huge rooster tails of sparks! There’s many ways to make these sparks: mechanically, via a rotating abrasive roller against the right sort of metallic lump, or electrically, or some combination of the two.
Point is, it could be done, and every burnout can now have a vibrant light show element!
Is there a near-certain danger of fire? Sure, sure there is! But, again, what the fuck do you want? This is drama, unique EV drama, and yeah, it’s dangerous. It’s dangerous as hell. Because that’s how it should be. That’s what muscle cars are: stupid and dangerous and that’s why they’re wonderful.
I’m sure there’s more options here, but none of them will happen until Dodge climbs out of its comfy little coffin of the past and starts to really accept EV muscle cars and starts to build a new EV vocabulary of badassery instead of re-hashing old V8 muscle tropes over and over.
Electricity is fucking lightning, and the sooner Dodge remembers that and shoves it into their EVs, the better.
I bet you had a great time writing this post.
I know that I had a great time reading this post.
When I was still young enough to go trick or treating without making people wonder isn’t he a bit old to be doing this, I lived a couple of blocks away from a physics professor who would greet us with one hand on top of a Van Der Graaf generator and the other hand, handing out foil Spree Tarts packages with the other, with two + inch sparks flying across.
Now that I am older and have seen a few things, the 60 Hz sound of a really big transformer creeps me the the F out.
Ahhh – 60 hz hummmmm.
Yeahyeahyeah! And we can meet up in the Redwoods in, say, August!
So nobody’s going to suggest that the rear reflectors or the front foglights could be plasma globes with the actual lights being LED rings around them? Did everyone just forget that plasma globes look cool as fuck? And just by changing the voltage you can make them change colours and how many arcs there are inside. Meaning you can match it to the throttle input.
I’m gonna do a deep cut and say they need to have the motor be a brushed DC sticking out of the hood like how the Koopa dimension cars were in Super Mario Bros starring Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo. Here’s a link showing some of the cars, that’s what they need.
Is it efficient? Heck no! Will the brushes need to be replaced every 5,000 miles or so? Absolutely! But isn’t that what Dodge owners should expect from an EV?
Agreed. Efficiency be damned- Brushed DC motors look awesome with the glowing sparks. A brushed commutator is basically the electric motor equivalent of a carburetor, plus the soent graphite dust- What more could you want?
Love the paradigm. As always, our national treasure pumps out free genius ideas. First a frunk and now this. Keep em coming.
Maybe these won’t work exactly but this is the kind of outside the box thinking Dodge needs to do to save face after dropping the V8 from their entire lineup before ALL of their competitors when the Hemi was literally their only marketing ploy for the last 2 decades.
The Fratzonic and vibration gimmick is the worst thing they could have possibly blown resources on to try to swing either of the Hemi diehards or potential conquest customers to buy this stupid thing. Just because it sounds unique doesn’t mean it sounds good. As Torch said, it’s literally lightning. Maneuver around Ford’s trademarked Lightning name, incorporate some lightning into your muscle car, do a press reveal in Tampa, FL (the lightning capitol of the world), get the Tampa Bay Bolts in on it – maybe have Kucherov and the boys slam a couple of light beers in the background, bring the thunder and make a spark ridden, tire burning spectacle of it to spark some genuine excitement instead of embarrassing yourselves lamenting the inevitable demise of the V8.
If you thought the Truck Wire Nuts were cool, wait til you see the Van Der Graaf Balls!
I can’t wait for the Torch Edition Charger Daytona to come out! Can I put my deposit in now?!?
I would hack the system and make it play the Benny Hill theme song when you get on the accelerator.
What is the first thing people say when they find out their vehicle has artificial engine noise pumped into the cabin through a speaker? “Woah, how cool! This feels totally authentic and radical!” No. They say “this is stupid bullshit” and they Google how to deactivate it.
As a guy in his mid-30s, I’ve always kind of thought that Mopars were for neanderthals. They’ve had a stink associated with them ever since the traitor’s flag was slapped on a bright orange Charger in the Dukes of Hazzard, and Dodge has never really done anything to try to wash it away. The boisterous machismo of the fartsonic exhaust and false bravado of vibrators strapped to the frame proves that this vehicle isn’t comfortable with itself – it is painfully insecure. Anyone willing to look beyond the surface level marketing bark can tell, and anyone who can’t, well… They might have the same level of depth as the marketing.
Torch’s ideas are deliberately comical, but they contain a kernel of truth. Dodge really should embrace the electric nature of these vehicles instead of being poseurs. Instead of sticking a waterproof speaker to your car, hook up a resonator to the electric drive motors so you can hear a futuristic high pitched whirr as it spins up. Embrace the high torque, lightning quick acceleration of the electric motor. Don’t turn your car into a giant vibrator, and fire whatever ad agency you are using for your marketing.
Electric motors can sound great. I like pinning the throttle in my EV since hearing the electric whine is fun! Same with the motors in my electric RC vehicles. Well, most of them.
Okay Dad we’ll turn the HiFi down. Adults are so uncool. Jk
My 17 F-150 would play fake engine noises through the stereo system, (Sadly, the standard stereo is not good for much else), but I had it turned off at the first service. The truck is pretty quiet, so why would you play fake engine noise to raise the noise level of the cabin (unless to cover up the wind noise created by the stupid, panoramic sunroof).
If there’s anything Dodge needs to do, I think it’s try less… Maybe.
I’m pretty conflicted about how I feel about all of this. Dodge doesn’t make the Charger or Challenger that Charger and Challenger people want anymore. Tough noogies, bucko. Go buy a Mustang. Just sell it on the fact that it’s a big, roomy, fast car that looks cool. That’s all it should need in theory. The morons commenting “bring back the ’08” will never buy one, so stop trying to court them. How much money are they wasting trying to convince these people that this is a car they’ll want? You might as well be trying to sell them a Model Y.
On the other hand, sure, go for it. Go balls out with fratzonic exhausts and gimmicks and corny commercials. If it doesn’t work, pivot. At least you tried, and maybe you did actually convince a handful of them.
Maybe there’s a happy medium somewhere, where they can both get people considering a Model S into a Dodge dealer and keep a portion of the “CAR NEED TO DRINK GAS AND MAKE LOUD NOISE!!! 1!” crowd interested, but if there is they certainly aren’t in it.
Being called a “tryhard” is a pejorative, and brother, Dodge is definitely trying too hard.
You realize every auto manufacturer in the world is trying real hard to convince everyone their car is the one they want? It is the entire purpose behind advertising. That being said if Dodge can’t differentiate between their EV and other EVs they will lose the V8 customer and split the remaining people among all EV makes. I guess you do not realize Ford advertising is pushing POWER, they all do it.
Never change, Torch
Forty years ago, we couldn’t get cars to quit vibrating, and now they’re doing it on purpose.
I’m reminded of the jello picnic article about the classic Porsche with a 10 lb weight just for NVH. They probably went through so many iterations to optimize the damping in the best spot with the least amount of weight, for us to now try to do the opposite
Throw in a smoke machine and it’s gold!
I’m telling yeah, just make it use all that fancy sound equipment to blast AC/DC’s “Live Wire” anytime it goes over 60% throttle. Then make it shake like your front row in Paris 1979. Boomers love The AC/DC.
Just need some decent bass speakers to pump up the jam and vibrate the car.
Articles like this are proof that Torch is his generation’s P.J. O’Rourke.
I love this, I can see the jacobs ladder thing in like a c6 zr1 supercharger style window but longer, just zapping away, along with some delorean time machine sparks shooting out out the back, just go full GTA online ridiculousness with it
I mean ignoring that Jacobs Ladders are literal radio jammers…… highly illegal and disrupts cell phones, pace makers, and radio broadcasts.
How about instead just not being stupid and needing all these “toys”. Maybe just grow up and buy a car like an Adult.
If you dont want an electric one just buy a gas one. Done. Saves everyone else all the time money and effort wasted to fake the frame shaking while wasting what is effectively your fuel to look like an idiot.
About as bad as the article on EV fake shifting from the new Ionic.
I just drive an actual manual transmission and think people who use the fake one are lame posers. These kinda people through being all excited about subpar features basically justify the watering down and slow destruction of actual enthusiast choices.
Cliff notes: fake engine noises are stupid give us a real engine, fake gear shifting is stupid give us real manual transmissions.
I think you might be missing the point…
“…highly illegal and disrupts cell phones, pace makers, and radio broadcasts.”
To the target audience, these are features, not bugs.
It’s satire you dingus
All of that sparky, snappy, flashy lab stuff scared the piss out of me the first time I ever saw Frankenstein with Boris Karloff, so I see no reason it can’t work here.
It’s a shame Peter Boyle is gone now.
He would have been perfect for the stupid damn MOPAR ads now.
Especially if he was reprising his best role ever…
Dodge: “Puttin on the Riiiiiiiiiiiitz!”
“So I know the monster got your brain doctor, but what did you get from the monster?”
Actually as I sit here an excellent ad comes to mind featuring Boyle.
And a Charger sitting alone in a parking lot.
A dark and dank night with fog.
A dark and deserted street.
Several huge bolts of lighting strike car.
Hatch opens and out climbs Boyle in correct costume and make up.
As he gets into the car more huge gigantic lightning flashes, and plasma bolts surround the car.
Looks at the camera and says this:
“The new Charger…Some things never die.”
(see your Dodge dealer before they disappear). /s
Good but a remake of Back to the future with extreme take off and return. Doc Brown and Marty we don’t have room to get up to 88mph and Doc saying you ain’t seen nothing yet and mix in Marty playing the guitar in front of the giant speaker. The Future is NOW.
Don’t quite seeing that franchise signing off on that shit at all.
MJF ain’t gone yet, there’s still hope.
The Charger ain’t a unique car at all.
Neither is a Tesla.
It a remake ever gets made, expect something like a current LOTUS, Jag, or something else as nuts…
And at the prices they want these will probably be DOA at the dealers lots, except for the wanna be boys.
Down with remakes. Be original.
F Yeah! I can’t wait to see this thing going balls-out as it makes it’s debut in “Fast n F’n Furious Fifteen: No F’s Given”. Vin F’n Diesel is going to jump one out of a plane at 70,000 feet with a windmill mounted on the roof, charging that sucker all the way down.
In a twist, the bad guys will have reversed the blades and Dom’s badass electric Charger will have discharged, thus not allowing the chute to be deployed! The world will be saved though after Dom’s family rebuilds him as one with the new Charger. His trademark mumble-growl of course now emanating from the Fratzonic exhaust, first words being “Fratz you.”
The boys just went into Harrys and bought 3 EV quick chargers, 3 Garret Range Extenders, and 3 frame shakers.
Dodge should bring back the Neon, as an inexpensive, small-battery, lightweight, RWD EV streamliner compact sedan with a sub-$30k MSRP running on a Fiat 500E drive system. Subcompact dimensions, except it won’t fit that classification due to extra length/wheelbase. This will be a narrow car to reduce frontal area. Because of length, it may even be considered midsized.
Maybe 35 kWh pack, sub-3,000 lb curb weight, CdA of under 0.35 m^2. Would get 200+ miles range at 70 mph.
Include an optional SRT-E edition, with a Charger Daytona drive system and a similar pack size to the base model Neon, except using a more power dense battery to max the drive system out.
Everything you are proposing makes great sense, and would be a good thing. Thus, stellanis will never do it
Jacob’s Ladders. Van Der Graaf Generators.
Is Torch a closet prog fan?
In that case, I propose the car plays the intro to Watcher Of The Skies at startup.
Nice deep cut! For the ads, I envision Tom Sawyer just b/c the guitar riffs would very much suit Dodge.
I know what song should play during the clip where they take it for a drift around a Roundabout.
Closer to the Edge? Starship Trooper?
Funny, the studio version of that song always felt like it had amazing potential but never quite delivered. Then, a number of years back I went to see the Genesis tribute band The Musical Box and they did a live rendition that made me feel like the guy in the Dolby Sound trailers. I nearly swooned at how they pumped it up to eleven and made it the the rock song it was meant to be.
A shout out to The Musical Box!
Further proof that Autopians are the best online car community.
I know Torch is just being silly but some safe version of what he’s talking about here would be fucking awesome, and I’m sure somewhere in the aftermarket there’s people scrambling to figure this out now that they’ve seen this.
A SEMA booth with this sort of aftermarket equipment would be packed cheek to jowl.
Thing is, I’m convinced Torch is 100% correct on how this is going to go down.
I foresee hood or tail bulges with clear viewing areas that feature electrical current arcs that build and ebb as the engine is revved, as it were. This is all about other people seeing it and being menaced or similar…Dodge’s fratbrosonic sound isn’t played only on the inside of the car after all.
Forget the Fratzonic Frog, bring back Reddy Kilowatt!
Yes! Make him like 40% more edgy – add sunglasses and maybe complex facial hair – and it would absolutely work.
Reddy was a bad ass.
Good suggestion, especially with the slant from Jack Trade.
Pennsylvania boy huh?
Reddy Kilowatt was also seen in Nebraska & California, although I think he went to California to die.
Detroit