Fear Of The Dark: 2002 Pontiac Grand Am vs 2008 Honda Civic

Happy Halloween, Autopians! I hope you’re all ready for a good scare, because today’s choices are absolutely terrifying. And there is a scenario to go along with them, to help you make your choice. But we’ll get to that in a minute.

Yesterday, we looked at a couple of Cadillac hearses from different eras, and as I suspected, rear-wheel-drive won the day. I think this is the right choice. The FWD Deville just doesn’t look quite right, and the possibilities for customization are pretty slim. Besides, how can you pass up a hearse with white-letter tires on it?

The DeVille had its fans, however, and more than one of you wanted to remove the rear section of roof and turn it into a ute. But no one wanted to add a pop-top to it and make it a camper. I’m disappointed.

And speaking of custom hearses, I just have to show you all my favorite, my friend Eric’s 1966 Cadillac, which if I remember right started life as a Miller-Meteor combination hearse/ambulance. Now it’s completely its own entity, something Eric calls “Dead Storage.” He repaints it and changes it up every so often; apparently it’s now in the midst of yet another metamorphosis. But here’s how it looked a year or two ago. (Oh yeah, and the surfboard is his custom paint job, too.)

All right. So here’s the scenario for today’s choices. After years of seeing you fix up old cars, your good friend has decided he wants in on the fun as well. The trouble is, he knows nothing about cars. Without asking you, he has narrowed down his choices to these two, um, “vehicles,” both of which are in his meager price range. He has already contacted both sellers and set up a time to go check them out: after dark, tonight.

He wants you to go along and look at them with him. You’ve already told him you don’t have time; you have to hand out candy to trick-or-treaters tonight, and besides, you have a Scream movie marathon planned. But you take one look at the choices, and realize you can keep him from making one mistake, at least. You will go with him to see one car.

So your mission, on this Halloween, is to choose which of these backyards looks like a less scary place to be after dark, checking out an old busted car.

2002 Pontiac Grand Am GT – $500

Engine/drivetrain: 3.4-liter overhead valve V6, four-speed automatic, FWD

Location: Delmar, DE

Odometer reading: 145,000 miles

Operational status: Dead battery, will run with a jump, but has no brakes

The Pontiac Grand Am is no stranger to this site, of course. Nor is it a stranger to used car lots, high-school parking lots, pizza delivery joints, and, pertinent to our discussion here, back alleys. None of this is the Grand Am’s fault; it’s actually a pretty decent little car, for what it is. It just fell in with a sketchy crowd, like the Chevy Nova before it and the Nissan Altima after it.

This is a final-generation Grand Am, a GT model, powered by a 3.4 liter version of GM’s 60-degree V6 that puts out a stout 205 horsepower. It does run; GM pushrod V6s are about as complex as anvils, and very hard to kill entirely, but the battery is toast, so it needs a jump-start to get going. But don’t think it’s as simple as getting a jump and driving home; the seller says it needs brake lines, so it will have to be towed.

It looks like this car has been sitting right where it is for a while, at least long enough to start sinking into the ground. The tires have got to be completely shot by now, and I imagine sitting on the ground has done some terrible things to the suspension and exhaust as well, not to mention the floorboards. And the only photos we get of the interior are of the instrument panel, which doesn’t bode well for its condition.

On the plus side, it’s remarkably complete, and the glass is all intact. It probably could be saved, as long as it isn’t all rotted out underneath. But according to our scenario, you’d have to look underneath it in the dark to find out.

2008 Honda Civic Hybrid – $900

Engine/drivetrain: 1.3-liter overhead cam inline 4 with electric motor assist, CVT, FWD

Location: Delmar, DE

Odometer reading: 160,000 miles

Operational status: Runs and drives, I think…?

And here we have that paragon of efficiency and reliability, the Honda Civic Hybrid. This is the second generation of Honda’s uber-high-mileage version of the Civic, powered by a little 1.3 liter four that gets a boost from an electric motor between it and its continuously variable transmission. Honda threw every trick in the book at this thing to boost fuel economy, and it worked – but man, are these not exciting cars to drive. Unless, that is, you consider fearing for your safety as you try to merge into traffic on the 710 freeway exciting. A company I worked for in Los Angeles had one as a company car, and I was not a fan.

This one has clearly seen better days. Its hood and right front fender are completely absent, and its front bumper doesn’t match. It must have been in a wreck, and only partially repaired. And it looks like the air conditioning condenser, or what’s left of it, is lying on top of the engine. Despite this, if I’m reading the ad right, the car runs and drives.

One other thing that’s missing from this car is the title. The seller is selling it for parts only due to this, but I’d still like to know what happened to the title. Is it really their car to sell? Who knows? Maybe it really belongs to the cats. They sure seem to think it does.

And of course, we don’t get any photos of the interior. You would think that if someone is trying to sell a car for parts, they’d want to show off all the useable parts. I guess we have to assume that the interior is trashed. At the very least, I assume the airbags are blown from whatever impact took out the front end.

Obviously, these are both terrible ideas, and both in what look like really sketchy places. And to make matters worse, as fas as we have been able to tell so far, there are no streetlights in the town of Delmar. But a friend is a friend, and you said you’d help, so you are doomed to spend Halloween night poking around at one of these wrecks in the dark. So which one will it be?

(Image credits: sellers)