Happy Halloween, Autopians! I hope you’re all ready for a good scare, because today’s choices are absolutely terrifying. And there is a scenario to go along with them, to help you make your choice. But we’ll get to that in a minute.
Yesterday, we looked at a couple of Cadillac hearses from different eras, and as I suspected, rear-wheel-drive won the day. I think this is the right choice. The FWD Deville just doesn’t look quite right, and the possibilities for customization are pretty slim. Besides, how can you pass up a hearse with white-letter tires on it?
The DeVille had its fans, however, and more than one of you wanted to remove the rear section of roof and turn it into a ute. But no one wanted to add a pop-top to it and make it a camper. I’m disappointed.
And speaking of custom hearses, I just have to show you all my favorite, my friend Eric’s 1966 Cadillac, which if I remember right started life as a Miller-Meteor combination hearse/ambulance. Now it’s completely its own entity, something Eric calls “Dead Storage.” He repaints it and changes it up every so often; apparently it’s now in the midst of yet another metamorphosis. But here’s how it looked a year or two ago. (Oh yeah, and the surfboard is his custom paint job, too.)
All right. So here’s the scenario for today’s choices. After years of seeing you fix up old cars, your good friend has decided he wants in on the fun as well. The trouble is, he knows nothing about cars. Without asking you, he has narrowed down his choices to these two, um, “vehicles,” both of which are in his meager price range. He has already contacted both sellers and set up a time to go check them out: after dark, tonight.
He wants you to go along and look at them with him. You’ve already told him you don’t have time; you have to hand out candy to trick-or-treaters tonight, and besides, you have a Scream movie marathon planned. But you take one look at the choices, and realize you can keep him from making one mistake, at least. You will go with him to see one car.
So your mission, on this Halloween, is to choose which of these backyards looks like a less scary place to be after dark, checking out an old busted car.
2002 Pontiac Grand Am GT – $500
Engine/drivetrain: 3.4-liter overhead valve V6, four-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Delmar, DE
Odometer reading: 145,000 miles
Operational status: Dead battery, will run with a jump, but has no brakes
The Pontiac Grand Am is no stranger to this site, of course. Nor is it a stranger to used car lots, high-school parking lots, pizza delivery joints, and, pertinent to our discussion here, back alleys. None of this is the Grand Am’s fault; it’s actually a pretty decent little car, for what it is. It just fell in with a sketchy crowd, like the Chevy Nova before it and the Nissan Altima after it.
This is a final-generation Grand Am, a GT model, powered by a 3.4 liter version of GM’s 60-degree V6 that puts out a stout 205 horsepower. It does run; GM pushrod V6s are about as complex as anvils, and very hard to kill entirely, but the battery is toast, so it needs a jump-start to get going. But don’t think it’s as simple as getting a jump and driving home; the seller says it needs brake lines, so it will have to be towed.
It looks like this car has been sitting right where it is for a while, at least long enough to start sinking into the ground. The tires have got to be completely shot by now, and I imagine sitting on the ground has done some terrible things to the suspension and exhaust as well, not to mention the floorboards. And the only photos we get of the interior are of the instrument panel, which doesn’t bode well for its condition.
On the plus side, it’s remarkably complete, and the glass is all intact. It probably could be saved, as long as it isn’t all rotted out underneath. But according to our scenario, you’d have to look underneath it in the dark to find out.
2008 Honda Civic Hybrid – $900
Engine/drivetrain: 1.3-liter overhead cam inline 4 with electric motor assist, CVT, FWD
Location: Delmar, DE
Odometer reading: 160,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives, I think…?
And here we have that paragon of efficiency and reliability, the Honda Civic Hybrid. This is the second generation of Honda’s uber-high-mileage version of the Civic, powered by a little 1.3 liter four that gets a boost from an electric motor between it and its continuously variable transmission. Honda threw every trick in the book at this thing to boost fuel economy, and it worked – but man, are these not exciting cars to drive. Unless, that is, you consider fearing for your safety as you try to merge into traffic on the 710 freeway exciting. A company I worked for in Los Angeles had one as a company car, and I was not a fan.
This one has clearly seen better days. Its hood and right front fender are completely absent, and its front bumper doesn’t match. It must have been in a wreck, and only partially repaired. And it looks like the air conditioning condenser, or what’s left of it, is lying on top of the engine. Despite this, if I’m reading the ad right, the car runs and drives.
One other thing that’s missing from this car is the title. The seller is selling it for parts only due to this, but I’d still like to know what happened to the title. Is it really their car to sell? Who knows? Maybe it really belongs to the cats. They sure seem to think it does.
And of course, we don’t get any photos of the interior. You would think that if someone is trying to sell a car for parts, they’d want to show off all the useable parts. I guess we have to assume that the interior is trashed. At the very least, I assume the airbags are blown from whatever impact took out the front end.
Obviously, these are both terrible ideas, and both in what look like really sketchy places. And to make matters worse, as fas as we have been able to tell so far, there are no streetlights in the town of Delmar. But a friend is a friend, and you said you’d help, so you are doomed to spend Halloween night poking around at one of these wrecks in the dark. So which one will it be?
(Image credits: sellers)
Pontiac exclusively.
If I had another chance I would ignore it and buy a C10 instead…
I think I’d get further on the skateboard displayed alongside the Pontiac.
And the Pasadena freeway merges (the 110, with stop signs!) are a lot scarier than the 710.
I’m really curious about what weird little old car I could stick that Honda drivetrain into, but if it’s for a friend, or if you need a car that runs instead of an absurdly complex project, you have to choose the Pontiac. And then deal with how crappy it is until something else comes along.
You can’t register a car without a title. And you’re not likely to find a nice condition, clean-title Honda Civic Hybrid that needs a new drivetrain because they typically don’t break down, so buying the Honda isn’t a sensible choice.
These Hondas DO BREAK down if they are neglected, and if I recall correctly, these were NOT the most reliable Hondas of the time. Other versions before and then after were much better, in terms of fuel efficiency and value for money- although you need to find one that is well maintained…
Help your friend with a bat to the head to knock sense into him. If he gets either he will be calling you all the time when trying to fix it.
I would burn the money before bringing one of those home.
This is where cars like the Grand Am thrive. “No way that thing still runs, look at it”
Nope, starts right up. Good old GM. Everything else has gone to shit, but it will still run. Maybe “runs poorly”, but that still has “runs” in it.
The Civic…no hood, hybrid system for a wild card. This is tried and true GM territory.
Gimmee the Grand Am…at least it has a title. I was gonna go Honda til I read that part. I wanted to choose the one w/ the cats! Ha ha…so the scariest backyard is the Pontiac (although I did make the choice based on cars) but it’s Delaware- I’d say the whole state is scary (and boring) Happy Halloween!
Both of these guys deserve to meet their steel-jawed maker. Neither one is worth investing a steel penny in.
Oh man, nostalgia dictates I take the pontiac. I adored my ’01 Grand Am GT back in college. In fact, intake gaskets and a leaky fuel rail on that 3.4 were my first real “big” DIY. Quite familiar with that engine bay.
I clicked Nope, but the Grand Am seems doable and if it really only needs brakes and a battery you could end up with a halfway decent beater at around $1K
Grand Am for me. It’s cheap enough to qualify as a 24 hour of Lemons racer and isn’t missing parts like that Civic is.
And $900 for that Civic with parts missing is pure crack pipe.
[awhellnaw.jpg]
The Pontiac could *probably* get into running condition *relatively* easily, but the after that’s done, you’re still stuck in an 02 Grand Am. This is the lowest of lowpoints for GM interiors, and this example is probably worse than average.
Then there’s the Civic Hybrid – these were lightyears behind the hybrid technology Toyota was using at the time. Complex, not all that efficient, and made it probably the worst Civic of my lifetime. And the interior is probably worse than the Pontiac’s.
Easy nope today.
“his is the lowest of lowpoints for GM interiors, “
Nope… the Chevette was lower than that.
Without the “nope” option, I’d go with the Pontiac. It looks like less of a nightmare and the entry price is cheaper, so if it all goes up in smoke you’re (or in this case your friend’s) out less cash.
Strongly suggest something else or a bus pass. The real reason for no interior pics … kittens.
Remember that article a while back about what car you would wish on your worst enemy? The answer is either of these, and send him in place of your buddy tonight.
This has Jordan Peele horror movie vibes all over it. I’ll bet that little shed in the background is where they dismember the bodies.
Wow, we really need to find better friends.
The Pontiac is undoubtedly completely rotted out underneath that cladding, but I guess we could probably get it running because GM. There is no hope for that Civic.
The correct answer is Nope, but I’ll play the game for real and say Pontiac.
You can’t fix stupid though, now can you?
Probably not a great decision, but for the price, the Grand Am can be worked on. Just not sure why you would. The Honda is too sketchy to even care about. It could also be revived, but it’s not worth it. The right decision is probably “nope” and your buddy puts his $500-900 toward a vehicle worth repairing and keeping.
If we’re judging by the yards then the Honda House is already a murder scene. The victim was fun, and the weapon was a CVT. The killers will strike again.
I’m not a fan of either of these. On one hand, I have a serious issue with the lackadaisical sorrow of the Pontiac Grand Was and the other GM N-bodies.
On the other, the eighth-gen Honda Civic wasn’t very good to begin with–rampant quality issues–and yet is so overrated that a 16-year-old example has to descend to this inexcusable condition in order to reach a reasonable price for what it is. And it’s the esoteric, uncommon hybrid model, at that.
I guess I’d take the Pontiac. It looks serviceable, once the brakes and battery are sorted. The Honda looks like it’s not worth its weight in parts…the ones that are still there, anyway.
I think a “friend” doesn’t let his buddy anywhere near these two. I suppose if I had to choose to check one out at night, it would be the Pontiac. It’s not my money anyway and I don’t want a couple of surly cats jumping on me in the dark so…
Having riven a Gutless Honda Insight from 2008 ish, I can say I would be very unlikely to go witht he Honda. I assume it drives similarly and the insight was really bad when newish, no way on and old Hybrid with a CVT.
Grand Am. If it really starts and moves with “only a jump” there will be no need for brakes as I’ll be jumping in and full throttle outta there!
Nope. And just for expecting me to drop what I’m doing to go look at these two turds without talking to me first? Middle finger.
Gun to the head, have to choose between the two? Or I care enough to maintain the friendship? The Grand Am.
I don’t think voting “nope” keeps with the spirit of the mind game here! Anyway, the area surrounding the Grand Am looks a lot less like a set from Friday the 13th so I went with that.
Okay which one has the more valuable parts to sell to finance a real project?
I have to assume the Grand Am. That Honda has been sitting out there with its valuable parts exposed to the elements because, well, there’s no hood. That cannot possibly be good for all the expensive hybrid bits.