Happy Halloween, Autopians! I hope you’re all ready for a good scare, because today’s choices are absolutely terrifying. And there is a scenario to go along with them, to help you make your choice. But we’ll get to that in a minute.
Yesterday, we looked at a couple of Cadillac hearses from different eras, and as I suspected, rear-wheel-drive won the day. I think this is the right choice. The FWD Deville just doesn’t look quite right, and the possibilities for customization are pretty slim. Besides, how can you pass up a hearse with white-letter tires on it?
The DeVille had its fans, however, and more than one of you wanted to remove the rear section of roof and turn it into a ute. But no one wanted to add a pop-top to it and make it a camper. I’m disappointed.
And speaking of custom hearses, I just have to show you all my favorite, my friend Eric’s 1966 Cadillac, which if I remember right started life as a Miller-Meteor combination hearse/ambulance. Now it’s completely its own entity, something Eric calls “Dead Storage.” He repaints it and changes it up every so often; apparently it’s now in the midst of yet another metamorphosis. But here’s how it looked a year or two ago. (Oh yeah, and the surfboard is his custom paint job, too.)
All right. So here’s the scenario for today’s choices. After years of seeing you fix up old cars, your good friend has decided he wants in on the fun as well. The trouble is, he knows nothing about cars. Without asking you, he has narrowed down his choices to these two, um, “vehicles,” both of which are in his meager price range. He has already contacted both sellers and set up a time to go check them out: after dark, tonight.
He wants you to go along and look at them with him. You’ve already told him you don’t have time; you have to hand out candy to trick-or-treaters tonight, and besides, you have a Scream movie marathon planned. But you take one look at the choices, and realize you can keep him from making one mistake, at least. You will go with him to see one car.
So your mission, on this Halloween, is to choose which of these backyards looks like a less scary place to be after dark, checking out an old busted car.
2002 Pontiac Grand Am GT – $500
Engine/drivetrain: 3.4-liter overhead valve V6, four-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Delmar, DE
Odometer reading: 145,000 miles
Operational status: Dead battery, will run with a jump, but has no brakes
The Pontiac Grand Am is no stranger to this site, of course. Nor is it a stranger to used car lots, high-school parking lots, pizza delivery joints, and, pertinent to our discussion here, back alleys. None of this is the Grand Am’s fault; it’s actually a pretty decent little car, for what it is. It just fell in with a sketchy crowd, like the Chevy Nova before it and the Nissan Altima after it.
This is a final-generation Grand Am, a GT model, powered by a 3.4 liter version of GM’s 60-degree V6 that puts out a stout 205 horsepower. It does run; GM pushrod V6s are about as complex as anvils, and very hard to kill entirely, but the battery is toast, so it needs a jump-start to get going. But don’t think it’s as simple as getting a jump and driving home; the seller says it needs brake lines, so it will have to be towed.
It looks like this car has been sitting right where it is for a while, at least long enough to start sinking into the ground. The tires have got to be completely shot by now, and I imagine sitting on the ground has done some terrible things to the suspension and exhaust as well, not to mention the floorboards. And the only photos we get of the interior are of the instrument panel, which doesn’t bode well for its condition.
On the plus side, it’s remarkably complete, and the glass is all intact. It probably could be saved, as long as it isn’t all rotted out underneath. But according to our scenario, you’d have to look underneath it in the dark to find out.
2008 Honda Civic Hybrid – $900
Engine/drivetrain: 1.3-liter overhead cam inline 4 with electric motor assist, CVT, FWD
Location: Delmar, DE
Odometer reading: 160,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives, I think…?
And here we have that paragon of efficiency and reliability, the Honda Civic Hybrid. This is the second generation of Honda’s uber-high-mileage version of the Civic, powered by a little 1.3 liter four that gets a boost from an electric motor between it and its continuously variable transmission. Honda threw every trick in the book at this thing to boost fuel economy, and it worked – but man, are these not exciting cars to drive. Unless, that is, you consider fearing for your safety as you try to merge into traffic on the 710 freeway exciting. A company I worked for in Los Angeles had one as a company car, and I was not a fan.
This one has clearly seen better days. Its hood and right front fender are completely absent, and its front bumper doesn’t match. It must have been in a wreck, and only partially repaired. And it looks like the air conditioning condenser, or what’s left of it, is lying on top of the engine. Despite this, if I’m reading the ad right, the car runs and drives.
One other thing that’s missing from this car is the title. The seller is selling it for parts only due to this, but I’d still like to know what happened to the title. Is it really their car to sell? Who knows? Maybe it really belongs to the cats. They sure seem to think it does.
And of course, we don’t get any photos of the interior. You would think that if someone is trying to sell a car for parts, they’d want to show off all the useable parts. I guess we have to assume that the interior is trashed. At the very least, I assume the airbags are blown from whatever impact took out the front end.
Obviously, these are both terrible ideas, and both in what look like really sketchy places. And to make matters worse, as fas as we have been able to tell so far, there are no streetlights in the town of Delmar. But a friend is a friend, and you said you’d help, so you are doomed to spend Halloween night poking around at one of these wrecks in the dark. So which one will it be?
(Image credits: sellers)
I knew most would probably Scream and choose the Last House on the Left, but the Grand Am doesn’t appear to be too much of a Basket Case. Granted, there may be a bad Omen or two here, but nothing that needs an Exorcist. I would’t be too concerned about the floor because As Above, So Below right? Go ahead, open the driver’s door but please Don’t Breathe. Just find A Quiet Place and get to work on it, and you’ll have yourself a functional ride before Midsommar!
But do you have a constant fear that something’s always near? A phobia that someone’s always there?
More a dog person but do the cats come with the Civic?
If I absolutely had to pick one, it would be the Grand AM since at least it is all there and has a chance of running. The lack of brakes is a bonus since that will make it easier to put it into the nearest ditch and pretend you never saw it. Otherwise, no.
I’d tell my friend that $800 buys a lot of taxi or ride share trips. If you have less that $1,000 in 2024 to buy a car then you can’t afford a car. The plethora of problems that you can’t afford to fix will turn the car into a lawn ornament. Conveniently, these two heaps are already being used as lawn art!
If my friend demanded I make a choice I’d tell him to get the Civic. It comes with cats, and cats are great. They can help him feel better while he looks at his broken car.
I dunno, the one crouching on the windshield looks like its getting ready to pounce and scratch the eyes out of whoever is taking the pic.
“Nope” is clearly the right answer. These are low-value cars even restored, and are probably best sent to the scrapper.
Having said that, the Pontiac is repairable with a large but finite number of doable repairs, whereas the untitled Honda is more likely to require major repairs out of the scope of the backyard mechanic. Thus, I voted for the Grand Am.
Hello Kidney Foundation? I’d like to donate a couple of whips.
No thanks. They’d rather people not get kidneys than be haunted by ghosts of these cars!
The last time I helped a friend buy a bargain-basement car in this sort of way, he was in jail (on work release) and had arranged to buy a $700 ’91 Accord, circa 2010.
This was Hinsdale, New Hampshire, some sticks where a mill had once been even relative to my hometown. The seller showed up late to our rendezvous down a dirt road on his four-wheeler and was barely able to sign his name.
The car was technically drivable, but had no exhaust behind the header, so my friend’s stepdad borrowed a flatbed from his friend, which, of course, blew a hydraulic line on the seller’s driveway/road while we were getting the damn thing loaded, so we had to chain it up in the church parking lot across the way and limp it home at 20-ish MPH.
Ultimately, it served him well for a while, including a move a few states away, and surprisingly wasn’t stolen when or after he bought it.
Anyway, on that subject, my faith in these cars being offered by people with the right to sell them is roughly proportional to their completeness, so I went with the all-there-get-it-before-we-call-a-scrapper Grand Am.
I did a double take at the hp figure, I didn’t think GM ever broke 200 out of the OHV 3400 – looks like you quoted the (stouter) torque figure, Ram Air only put the GTs at 175.
You can fix a GM like the Grand Am with baling wire, scotch tape, and some well-chewed bubble gum. Some new brakes (probably lines too), tires, and maybe an alternator if that’s what killed the battery, and you’re in business.
With the Honda being a hybrid, you never know WTF is going on with it. Is the battery good? How about the controller? Does the hybrid system work, or is this just a 1.3 liter ICE car with a lot of extra baggage? And what happened up front there?
Yeah, I voted for the Grand Am. It can be fixed on the cheap with junkyard parts. The Honda? It needs multiple body panels, a taillight, probably most of the AC system, and all that is before you start looking at the hybrid system.
These are donor vehicles let’s be honest.
I’d better buy my friend an old Mopar and a link to SWG’s articles.
Grand Am. The house/setting around that Civic looks like something out of a horror movie. The Grand Am’s setting doesn’t look much better, but it seems close to the street.
I cannot beLIEVE you gave a “nope” option. In any event, I pretended it wasn’t there, just like the monsters under my bed.
I’ll help my homie check out the GA, because it’s the one most likely to be able to eventually run safely, and because I don’t want to have to fight the cats for the Civic.
The only reason for the “nope” option is that I’ve spent all week talking back to horror movies, telling characters “Don’t go back there! What are you, stupid”? So today (only), you get the option to make it to the end credits.
Obviously, I need new friends, so nope, uh uh, nah, no way, see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.
I had a 2000 Grand Am. Bought new off the lot as a young, 19 year old sailor. I had my first child about a month later. It was an era for terrible, terrible, terrible decisions. I want this one so I can tow it somewhere, pack it with black powder, and blow it straight to hell.
Tannerite would be far more efficient
Probably, but I can get black powder pretty easily.
If those were my only two options, I’m going Gran-Dam. My mom had a ’97 with the 3.1L and it was a pretty nice car for the time. They are not too terrible to work on and that one sounds like it’s going to need some major TLC to get it going again.
“After years of seeing you fix up old cars, your good friend has decided he wants in on the fun as well. The trouble is, he knows nothing about cars”
So basically you’re trying to decide which of these cars you’d rather work on, as you just know that your buddy will call you for Every. Single. Thing. that goes wrong or needs replacing. It’ll start out as “just supervise me, I want to do it all myself” but 99.9% of the time you’ll wind up as an amateur mechanic who works for beer. And if I’m going to be wrenching for beer it isn’t going to be on a Civic Hybrid or a godforsaken FWD Pontiac. That’s your horror movie scenario right there.
My nightmare ending would be when he tries to hand me a beer that is beneath my fancy pants standards. Excuse me, but I do not see Imperial or Barrel Aged anywhere on this can.
I like something with a nice high ABV. allows me to get creative.
I have ridden along as the ‘this is why you DON’T want to buy this’ guy on many occasions, but I had to nope out on this one. Way too little information on either to be contenders at more than scrap value
I voted nope, because at least where I live, you can buy a running, drivable, titled car for the same $900 that would buy you that Civic. Not that there’s a ton of cars like that out there, but I have seen them. The hypothetical friend would still have plenty of things to work on, for sure, but they’d have a better starting point.
Bought a running, PA titled 2009 Vibe with 260,000 for my teen daughter for $850 cash. Needed a battery, plugs and ignition coils (source of CEL). I went over the brakes fully, new front pads, wire wheel rotors, lubricate and free all caliper slide pins. Changed all fluids.
If that’s all, you got a good deal.
Yeah, complete steal. Toyota w/o the Toyota tax. I have an OBDII scanner and gambled the misfire was coil related. The brakes mostly just needed sliding pins lubed and surface rust removal, plus front pads.
When I was young I thought brakes were hard. Now I can do them in my sleep.
The cats almost convinced me but I’m going with the nope option.
As someone who has extensive ginger cat experience, most of their ideas tend to be bad ones.
You cowards voting nope! Not me, I’m going. And I’m going to the Pontiac. That neighborhood doesn’t look too bad, kinda like Haddonfield. The Civic’s neighborhood on the other hand, that’s looking a little too much like Camp Crystal Lake. I’d rather take on Mike Meyers than Jason, plus I’d have Donald Pleasance on my side.
Sigh… going with the General on this one. A Grand Am is a complete cockroach of a car and will not die. The motor runs and ANY part you need is available at ANY parts store nationwide. I doubt the transmission is fragged, brakes are cheap, and suspension is ‘who cares’. “Will run poorly longer than most cars run at all.”
Nope is a cowards cop out
Opens Rock Auto, goes to “2003 Grand Am”, finds 600 versions of every single part on the car.
I remember a person that for a GMT900, parts numbers are there from Copy 1 to Copy 10. Then again, not as common as fake parts for a Toyota Land Cruisers, but still there regardless.
The engine bay is very wide though…
Nope on both, but I’d rather deal with the likely IMA shenanigans of the Civic than a forgettable and neglected FWD Pontiac.
Nope.
Looking at either of these after dark is a waste of time. If you can’t drive them, there’s not a lot to be learned by staring at a hulk in the dark.
Given that the aspiring car nut sounds determined, “Nope” isn’t an answer if I’m being a good friend. Had to vote for the Driving Excitement vehicle, at least if it gets driving down the street again it should be somewhat fun, relative to the Honda.
As an aside, the Grand Prix and Alero shared platforms that year. Having owned an Alero as a youth, they were a fairly solid and fun platform compared to similar era GM platforms.
In this case, I’d still go and try to talk them out of either car, there are better first “fun” car platforms.
I swore I would never own another GM product after the W-body Buick I owned in college. I’m court GM on this showdown.
The Vibe I bought my daughter doesn’t count as it is a Toyota through and through. All GM designed was the badge.
Your story reminds me of almost getting the shit beat out of me once. We were talking GM horrors and a guy at the next table told us about his Vibe. I was drunk and looked him in the eyes and said “thats a F’ing Toyota you moron.” Obviously that didn’t sit well and as they kicked us out of the restaurant I told him pop the hood and if I can’t find a Toyota logo you can kick my ass. I can’t remember what had the word Toyota on it, but I do remember it taking less than 15 seconds to spot it.
Sounds like one of those election-integrity types.
This is such a this-site type of bar fight. Not a fight over who’s muscle car would win in a drag race, not a Calvin-peeing-on-logo truck stuff type brawl, just the origins of a Corolla hatchback.
You would be amazed at the number of times I have not been able to let an automotive falsehood go uncommented upon. It is 100% always a very Autopian fact. My observation is that if you are a car person who leaves an automotive treasure to the following generation, they are never going to fully understand what they actually have.