Good morning! I hope you all had a pleasant holiday weekend, full of good food and good company. We’re back with more crappy cars for your consideration. Whoever originally ordered today’s choices was obviously trying to save some money; neither one of them has a whole lot of extras on it.
Back before the break, we took a look at a couple of Cadillacs, and the results should surprise no one. The old Fleetwood took home a big win, one could even call it a landslide, and made that poor Escalade look like secondhand news. I mean, you could go your own way and choose the Escalade instead, but it’s not exactly the sort of thing anyone dreams about. The Fleetwood you could drive everywhere, all the way to Silver Spring and back. And if someone complains about a little rust on it? Oh well.
Seriously, though, that old Fleetwood Talisman is a nice old classic car, in good condition, for a fair price. And it would obviously be my choice as well. A few of you mentioned using the Escalade as an engine donor; I think that might be the best use of it. It’s really rusty.
Now then: It’s hard to find a “plain” car anymore. Even work-spec trucks and basic economy cars come with power windows and air conditioning; those things have just become the basic level of equipment buyers expect, so it’s cheaper for carmakers to just put them on every vehicle. But it used to be that if you wanted such things, you had to ask for them specifically, from an a la carte list of available options, and every box you checked upped the price by a little bit. These two are lacking in the bells and whistles department; somebody cheaped out forty years ago. Thanks once again to the Underappreciated Survivors group on Facebook for pointing these two out. Let’s take a look.
1983 Mercury Zephyr – $3,800 Canadian ($2,700 US)
Engine/drivetrain: 200 cubic inch overhead valve inline 6, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Calgary, AB, Canada
Odometer reading: 41,000 kilometers (probably 141,000)
Operational status: Runs and drives great
Something occurred to me just now, when I was reading up on the Ford Fox platform on which this car was based: The Fox is essentially Ford’s version of Chrysler’s K platform, a simple unibody platform that ended up as the basis for a whole bunch of different models. Both ushered in the ’80s boxy styling to their respective brands. And both were greenlit by Lee Iacocca. That guy was responsible for a lot of square, boring cars.
This is the Mercury Zephyr, a badge-engineered version of the Ford Fairmont. Though the Fox platform was new, having been introduced in 1978, the engine in this particular example is a whole lot older; the basic design dates all the way back to 1960. Its three-speed automatic is an ancient design as well, but that’s not all bad – they’re both more or less bulletproof. This one runs great, according to the seller, and it doesn’t have many miles (or rather, kilometers) on it.
The six-cylinder engine was an option, but it looks like one of very few pieces of optional equipment on this car. It has a basic vinyl and cloth interior, what looks like an AM radio, and I’d be shocked if it has air conditioning. The fake woodgrain is only there because it’s a Mercury instead of a Ford, I would imagine, and its instrumentation consists of a speedometer, a fuel gauge, and a bunch of idiot lights. It’s all in nice shape, though, and the seller says everything works – though “everything” isn’t much.
The paint is pretty dull, and the seller notes some surface rust on the left rear door, but otherwise it’s in good condition outside. It even has all four original hubcaps, and if you watched any TV back then, you know how easily the hubcaps went flying off from cars like this.
1986 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera S – $2,250
Engine/drivetrain: 2.5-liter overhead valve inline 4, three-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Hellertown, PA
Odometer reading: 69,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives great
The Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera is one of those cars that was absolutely everywhere in the ’80s. Someone’s mom had one, or your college friend drove one they bought used and cheap, or something. Oldsmobile sold a ton of them, and it was so popular it stayed in production six years longer than it originally was planned to. Most of them were four-door sedans, but you could also get a wagon, or this two-door coupe.
This is the basic S model; there was also an SL and an International Series. Olds offered a bunch of engines in the Ciera, but based on the age of this one, and the fact that it has a “Fuel Injection” badge on the front fender, I think this one has the base 2.5 liter “Iron Duke” four-cylinder. It boasts – if that is the right word – 92 horsepower, which is pretty sad for a midsized car, but it will keep clattering along and taking fifteen seconds to reach highway speeds until the end of days. These also get pretty decent fuel economy, if I recall. You could do a lot worse.
This one has a pretty basic interior as well, with a simple split bench seat and a column-shifted automatic. I see a tape deck, but the seller says it doesn’t have air conditioning (when was the last time you heard of an Oldsmobile without air conditioning?), and I see the standard instrument cluster and window cranks. It looks clean and well-kept, though, and these are nice comfy cars.
The styling of these was never really much to write home about, but it’s inoffensive, and the coupe looks a lot nicer than the sedan. It looks clean, though it is missing the hubcaps on both front wheels, as well as a piece of trim on the passenger’s side. I don’t see any rust, but it is a Pennsylvania car, so it’s worth taking a peek underneath.
I guess you could call these cars “classics.” They’re old enough to qualify for antique license plates in most places, after all. But if they’re classics, then that makes me old, and I don’t like that, so I’m going to make the case for these being viable daily drivers. Both should be reliable, parts are dirt-cheap either way, and they both should keep up with traffic just fine, as long as you keep your foot in it. So which dead brand will it be – the Mercury or the Oldsmobile?
(Image credits: sellers)
Straight six to ease me into that smooth slumber!
There are still Cieras roaming the hills and hollers of middle America. I can’t say I’ve seen an operational Fairmont or Zephyr in many years. Autopian types will pick the Zephyr, but the Ciera is more comfortable, as roomy, more reliable, sips gas and would probably even beat the Zephyr in a race. If you’re taking a trip pick the Ciera. Put some winters tires on that front-driver and you’ve got a beast that will get you anywhere.
These two define the term penalty box. I’ll take the Zephyr. Having driven a few cars equipped with a iron duke the six is potentially the performance option.
Gun to my head, the Zephyr, even if this one is a bit of an ill wind. At least you can take a dip in the Mustang parts pool and up the excitement factor a bit. There is no hope for the A-body.
Have to vote for the Zephyr, even if it doesn’t have the rotating triangular vent windows that my 79 Fairmount had (thankfully it also doesn’t have the fungus that devoured the interior when I was away at college)
I’ve owned both (still have a 2 door sedan Fairmont – actually an Alberta car as well) and definitely pick the Zephyr. Fox chassis for the win. Swap the piece of crap 200 six for a 302 (or 5.0) and update the suspension to Mustang GT bits for a fun sleeper.
My younger brother received a 2door Fairmont with the 2.3L and auto as his first car. It came from an older lady across our street as she purchased a Nissan Sentra in the early 1990’s. The Fairmont was slow, boring and did I mention slow.However perfect for a first time driver as it was reliable and parts were plentiful. We even installed a JC Whitney stereo in it.
If the Oldsmobile had a V6 , I would have chosen that but I have an unnatural hatred for the Iron Duke. Yes it is reliable but an absolute miserable engine to be foisted on a midsize car
Dear old Dad was the worst ever with eschewing options and other “gingerbread” has he called it. Imagine going into an Oldsmobile dealership in early 1973 and ordering a brand-new Colonnade Cutlass S. Standard bench seat instead of the cool swivel bucket seats, No A/C (but fake vents to constantly remind you there’s no A/C), no power brakes, no power steering, 3-speed manual on the column, black wall tires, and dog dish hub caps.
He probably could have got a loaded Olds Omega for the same price.
As a kid my parents had a 79’ Mercury Zephyr 2 door. It was less optioned than the one in this article and I still have scars and PTSD from the vinyl seats burning any and all areas of exposed skin. Ours had the 200 straight six and 3 speed as well. I believe it was sold late 84 to mid 85 on trade for one of those fancy new Plymouth Voyager minivans. So back to the old showdown here. The mental and physical scars from the Zephyr make me choose anything but that.
That Ciera is just going to run forever….
…but I like non-, two-door body styles of the fox better for the sleeperness.
Zephyr for the Fox-body Lego architecture.
This was easy…Ciera for the win…I miss Oldsmobile! These always make me think of Fargo: “Tan Ciera!” (I’m not falling for the TruCoat) That Mercury is so boring and pretty much trash since it’s a Fix Or Repair Daily product…it’s not even a V8!
Gotta vote Zephyr, just for the nostalgia factor alone. A long-lost friend drove a similarly basic example through our high school and university years, and that thing was a steadfast companion on a lot of misadventures.
Bonster the Monster and the Zeph of Death, I salute you, wherever you are.
it’s funny, the mercury predates my birth and would have been an “old” car by the time i was old enough to pay attention, and yet seeing it sitting in the snow like that gives me a warm feeling of nostalgia. that interior looks so inviting even though I know it would probably be a dog to actually drive.
Neither normally, but if I had to choose, I would consider snow tires on the old Zephyr. RWD for the win, even though it would not win anything. Sadly that 200 also only made 90ish HP new, but still.
I’m a distinguishing human being. Mercury for me. The Iron Duke is just awful. If I don’t like the I6, the Mercury is a Fox. The options are limitless for engine swaps. I’d keep the gray paint to make it a bit of a sleeper.
My aunt had a ’90 Ciera and I hated that car so very much. I’ll take the Mercury.
I’ll take the Cierra, but I don’t need no damn Tru-Coat!
Gotta go for the zephyr. Besides that name being a good high scoring word in Scrabble, it at least has an engine that won’t leave me hating myself.
I had the wagon version of the Olds, and I’d be nearly as fine with the coupe. Canada can keep its Fox.
My friend in college had her grandfather’s ’87 Ciera similarly spec’d and honestly it was a comfortable car that never let her down. The iron duke (sorry, TECH4 lol) was not as terrible as I expected. It wouldn’t win any races but it never felt dangerously slow either.
I voted for the fox body
If the I6 isn’t enough power, swap in a Godzilla 😀
Ford’s 200 definitely doesn’t have enough power, regardless of what you need the power for. My first car had one that I tried (unsuccessfully) to blow up. Eventually gave up and swapped it for a 302.
Maybe the Olds doesn’t have working air conditioning … but the control set in the dashboard is the familiar GM aircon setup.
Even with that demerit, I’ll take the Ciera. I miss two-door sedans, and this one deserves to be saved.
I went Olds, I have a soft spot for A bodies, but man the iron puke made me go oh god!