Good morning! I hope you all had a pleasant holiday weekend, full of good food and good company. We’re back with more crappy cars for your consideration. Whoever originally ordered today’s choices was obviously trying to save some money; neither one of them has a whole lot of extras on it.
Back before the break, we took a look at a couple of Cadillacs, and the results should surprise no one. The old Fleetwood took home a big win, one could even call it a landslide, and made that poor Escalade look like secondhand news. I mean, you could go your own way and choose the Escalade instead, but it’s not exactly the sort of thing anyone dreams about. The Fleetwood you could drive everywhere, all the way to Silver Spring and back. And if someone complains about a little rust on it? Oh well.
Seriously, though, that old Fleetwood Talisman is a nice old classic car, in good condition, for a fair price. And it would obviously be my choice as well. A few of you mentioned using the Escalade as an engine donor; I think that might be the best use of it. It’s really rusty.
Now then: It’s hard to find a “plain” car anymore. Even work-spec trucks and basic economy cars come with power windows and air conditioning; those things have just become the basic level of equipment buyers expect, so it’s cheaper for carmakers to just put them on every vehicle. But it used to be that if you wanted such things, you had to ask for them specifically, from an a la carte list of available options, and every box you checked upped the price by a little bit. These two are lacking in the bells and whistles department; somebody cheaped out forty years ago. Thanks once again to the Underappreciated Survivors group on Facebook for pointing these two out. Let’s take a look.
1983 Mercury Zephyr – $3,800 Canadian ($2,700 US)
Engine/drivetrain: 200 cubic inch overhead valve inline 6, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Calgary, AB, Canada
Odometer reading: 41,000 kilometers (probably 141,000)
Operational status: Runs and drives great
Something occurred to me just now, when I was reading up on the Ford Fox platform on which this car was based: The Fox is essentially Ford’s version of Chrysler’s K platform, a simple unibody platform that ended up as the basis for a whole bunch of different models. Both ushered in the ’80s boxy styling to their respective brands. And both were greenlit by Lee Iacocca. That guy was responsible for a lot of square, boring cars.
This is the Mercury Zephyr, a badge-engineered version of the Ford Fairmont. Though the Fox platform was new, having been introduced in 1978, the engine in this particular example is a whole lot older; the basic design dates all the way back to 1960. Its three-speed automatic is an ancient design as well, but that’s not all bad – they’re both more or less bulletproof. This one runs great, according to the seller, and it doesn’t have many miles (or rather, kilometers) on it.
The six-cylinder engine was an option, but it looks like one of very few pieces of optional equipment on this car. It has a basic vinyl and cloth interior, what looks like an AM radio, and I’d be shocked if it has air conditioning. The fake woodgrain is only there because it’s a Mercury instead of a Ford, I would imagine, and its instrumentation consists of a speedometer, a fuel gauge, and a bunch of idiot lights. It’s all in nice shape, though, and the seller says everything works – though “everything” isn’t much.
The paint is pretty dull, and the seller notes some surface rust on the left rear door, but otherwise it’s in good condition outside. It even has all four original hubcaps, and if you watched any TV back then, you know how easily the hubcaps went flying off from cars like this.
1986 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera S – $2,250
Engine/drivetrain: 2.5-liter overhead valve inline 4, three-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Hellertown, PA
Odometer reading: 69,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives great
The Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera is one of those cars that was absolutely everywhere in the ’80s. Someone’s mom had one, or your college friend drove one they bought used and cheap, or something. Oldsmobile sold a ton of them, and it was so popular it stayed in production six years longer than it originally was planned to. Most of them were four-door sedans, but you could also get a wagon, or this two-door coupe.
This is the basic S model; there was also an SL and an International Series. Olds offered a bunch of engines in the Ciera, but based on the age of this one, and the fact that it has a “Fuel Injection” badge on the front fender, I think this one has the base 2.5 liter “Iron Duke” four-cylinder. It boasts – if that is the right word – 92 horsepower, which is pretty sad for a midsized car, but it will keep clattering along and taking fifteen seconds to reach highway speeds until the end of days. These also get pretty decent fuel economy, if I recall. You could do a lot worse.
This one has a pretty basic interior as well, with a simple split bench seat and a column-shifted automatic. I see a tape deck, but the seller says it doesn’t have air conditioning (when was the last time you heard of an Oldsmobile without air conditioning?), and I see the standard instrument cluster and window cranks. It looks clean and well-kept, though, and these are nice comfy cars.
The styling of these was never really much to write home about, but it’s inoffensive, and the coupe looks a lot nicer than the sedan. It looks clean, though it is missing the hubcaps on both front wheels, as well as a piece of trim on the passenger’s side. I don’t see any rust, but it is a Pennsylvania car, so it’s worth taking a peek underneath.
I guess you could call these cars “classics.” They’re old enough to qualify for antique license plates in most places, after all. But if they’re classics, then that makes me old, and I don’t like that, so I’m going to make the case for these being viable daily drivers. Both should be reliable, parts are dirt-cheap either way, and they both should keep up with traffic just fine, as long as you keep your foot in it. So which dead brand will it be – the Mercury or the Oldsmobile?
(Image credits: sellers)
Zephyr. I like how it looks better, and I like inline sixes more than I like inline 4’s.
Old boxy one for me. Too much boring GM J-car in the other one.
A GM A-body in stock form is a better daily driver/beater than a low-spec Fox-body car.
And the old Iron Duke sucks as an engine, but at least it’s reliable and cheap to service.
But having said that, the fuel injected Iron Duke will suck less than the old carb’d Ford 200 cid inline 6. They both make about the same power, but the Iron Duke will be much more efficient.
I’ve driven GM-A body cars and also early 1980s Fox bodies. The FWD GM A-Body gets my vote and it was an easy choice.
The only reason to go with the Zephyr is if you want to drop a SBF into it and turn it into a sleeper.
That’s exactly why I voted for the Zephyr
Both suck but I’ll take the Zephyr for obscurity alone. The Iron Duke didn’t help the Olds’ case either.
Really, this is a “neither” for me. Driving a car without AC around here is the kind of thing you do naked, with a towel around your waist, for 20 minutes, before jumping into a cold pool. And it’s only getting worse. If forced at gunpoint, I’ll take the Zephyr because it has a ‘Z’ in the name.
Straight-six Fox-body Mercury over a Gutless Ciera any day…
Zephyr for me. The 6 cylinder on those is very good, (we had a Fairmont, with 3 speed manual growing up). However, I have always wanted to make a sleeper with one of those. It would be a hoot to drop a Coyote with a 6 speed in that thing.
Voted Mercury, but the wife chose the Olds. However her decision was under duress, otherwise she was solidly in the Nope category.
I went for the Zypher because of the rock screens on the headlights.
Also because I just can’t vote for one of those ’80s GM snoozefests. I just can’t make myself do it.
Turn up the Base! I had one such Zephyr although mine had AC. It was…fine…but that old reliable three speed automatic tossed its front seal. Twice.
Zephyr.
RWD over FWD today.
Yawn.
What cars were we talking about today?
If ever there were two cars that didn’t remotely live up to their names, it would be these two. No fair breezes with the Mercury and no cut and slash driving fun in the Olds. Going with Zephyr because it only has one vowel in the name (although the “y” is probably performing its mutant crossover role).
I’ll take the Zephyr. You can “enjoy” the car as is or swap in Fox Body parts for your hooning pleasure.
Gimme the box.
But what’s in the box?
I am pleased to inform you, Detective Mills, that the answer is: not much, apparently.
I’ll take the Ciera.
I don’t need that TruCoat though.
As an Olds Man(TM) I am obliged to take the Ciera (insert obligatory comment about TruCoat here), but even if I wasn’t, I’d probably still take it. It’s not like it’s a great car or anything, but it’s much better to live with than the Zephyr. My sister had a Fairmont wagon that was similarly equipped and it was a complete crap can. It regularly wanted to stall out when making a left turn from a stop (no idea why that combination had that effect), plus the interior was straight up poverty. Insulation? forget it – road noise for days – you had plastic, steel and air and nothing between. Even in base spec, the Olds is the better car. I’d even say that the iron duke would probably give that inline 6 a pretty good run (if you would call it that) from 0-60 – and probably beat it.
Man, if I’m getting a boring sedan it should at least be practical and have 4 doors. Plus I love straight 6s. Have to assume that Zephyr is carbureted and the Ciera is fuel injected based on the ages?
Memories – dad had an ’80 Fairmont, this exact spec but with AC and an FM radio (he was not a heathen). I’m surprised this is an ’83, I thought they rolled out the rounder Fox body LTD/Marquis in ’83 (but maybe not in Canada).
I can’t vote for an Iron Puke.
Trusty and solid straight six and RWD over an iron duke FWD car every day of the week. Zephyr.
Agreed.
Had to give it to the Zephyr. Brings back memories of the Fairmont sedan my high school had as one of the driver’s ed range cars. It was my first experience with a car that had a power steering pump that would groan like it had a kidney stone, then cause the car to cut off if you turned it all the way to lock. So, more fun than the Olds.
Damn – you too. I just posted about that problem with my sister’s Fairmont. Didn’t know it was a widespread thing.
My sister’s did that shit as well.
Not a good thing for a 16 year old to deal with.
Wanted to vote Olds, went Merc. That’s a junkyard 5.0 away from being a fantastic sleeper
I think the I6 to V8 swap requires a new front subframe on these.
Maybe? There were 5.0 Fairmonts so shouldn’t be hard to replicate. Either way, with the engine, some suspension work this could be a fun fun car.
Oh yes, Fox bodies are like Legos. My choice all the way.
Normally I’d be all about the GM but in this case, I’ll take the Zeph, do a V8 swap, lower it, throw on some BBS basket-weaves, and murder out the entire car.
As good as a BMW 5-series, right?
I like the Cierra, but am obligated to vote for the Zephyr. My wife still pines for the baby blue one that belonged to her grandma. Unfortunately her idiot older brother rolled it within days of inheriting it.
If this one was also baby blue, she might be directing me to empty the savings account and go buy it. She wouldn’t have to twist my arm to hard.
The Cutlasses of that era that I was around were definitely uninspiring, but had that GM thing of still working long after the owner just wanted them to go ahead and die. However, if I’m going to buy an anonymous no-AC car, I’ll take a rwd with massive parts availability due to a platform mate. I’ve worked on an early Fox Mustang, so this won’t be too unfamiliar
My thinking exactly.
Rather than the V8 swap, though, I’d be interested in what —if anything—can be done to pep up the old six-popper. I’d lower it slightly, run steelies with poverty caps, and work on the handling. Good low-key cruisin’ fun.
That straight six doesn’t have a whole lot of room for improvement, which is why no one leaves them in during a Mustang restoration. A 302 is easy, cheap, and will yield far better results.
Now, the Barra straight-6 from Oz is a different story. That thing is a beast.
Oh, a v8 with 5-speed swap would be the sensible thing to do. But, in this day & age of people dropping turbos on slant-6s, I’d like to do something quirky. If there’s no real support for the existing 6, last I looked, one could buy a fairly stout built 4.0 intended for a Cherokee for not an onerous sum. That way I could piss off purists, too
An AMC straight-6 would indeed be a “quirky” solution.