Quarter-life crises and mid-life crises are for amateurs. After all, we live in the information age, where a little rectangle in your pocket will deliver all manner of bad ideas directly into your eyeballs. That’s why, today, we have two sports cars in such a shape that they could make your entire life a crisis, 24-fucking-7. How’s that for innovation? But first, let’s check in on yesterday’s matchup of Canadian oddities.
The weird facelifted Mark IV City Golf takes it with about 64 percent of the vote, and I’m surprised it’s even this close. Not only is that Acura awful, that Golf is actually so damn good that a reader legitimately bought it. More on that later. Anyway, today’s battle is a classic of romance, bloody romance. Nearly all of us have dreamt of sports cars, but if you’re on a shoestring budget, you might need to skin a knuckle or two to make that dream happen. Let’s meet our contenders, shall we?
1984 Chevrolet Corvette — $4,000 Canadian
Engine/drivetrain: 5.7-liter V8, four-speed automatic gearbox, rear-wheel-drive.
Location: Sutton, Ontario, Canada
Odometer reading: 269,258 kilometers (167,309 miles).
Runs/drives? Hell yeah, brother.
Oh great, a questionable Corvette with ceasefire injection. Not so fast. The good news is that you won’t have to worry about the troublesome crossfire injection system because that’s been solved the old-fashioned way, with a carburetor. Still, this bad mamma jamma should put down roughly 205-ish heaving horsepower through a four-speed 4L60E slushbox. If you’re only going to be driving your C4 Corvette to Hooters and back, it’s the perfect transmission choice.
Alright, time to address the elephant in the room. Someone’s gone nuts with the Krylon, spraying this fiberglass wonder matte black at some point in its life. Frank Ocean declared that shit stale in 2016, but it’s certainly one way of covering up absolutely ruined clearcoat. In addition, the front wheels and the rear wheels are off of two different Camaros, although the seller claims that a matching set of four wheels is included in the sale. There’s no indication what sort of wheels they are, but I feel comfortable predicting that they probably aren’t from a shopping cart.
Does this Corvette need work? Hell yeah it does. The seller claims that the windshield is cracked, the driver’s window doesn’t work, one headlight needs a relay, the passenger door apparently has something wrong with it, the seats are ripped, and the power steering has a nifty automatic draining function. Look, if you want to be Dirk Diggler on a budget, don’t expect perfection.
1983 Porsche 944 — $4,000 Canadian
Engine/drivetrain: 2.5-liter inline-four, five-speed manual transaxle, rear-wheel-drive.
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Odometer reading: 215,000 kilometers (133,595 miles).
Runs/drives? Indeed.
You knew this was coming. Look, Chevrolet and Porsche have been locked in a battle for sports car supremacy for decades, but that funny little engineering company from Stuttgart seems to be winning on the resale value front. Even the most rotten air-cooled 911 shell fetches more than $4,000 Canadian, so here’s a transaxle car from the 1980s instead. Remember when these were everywhere for dirt cheap?
This 944 allegedly received a low-mileage used motor last year because hey, things go bad sometimes. Still, at least the current owner’s allegedly done things properly, by throwing a fresh timing kit and water pump on the replacement motor. This 944 also claims to have a new fuel pump and a new fuel filter, which totally doesn’t suggest that it was dormant for quite a while.
So, what’s explicitly wrong with this 944? Well, as we can see from the photos, the driver’s seat is properly ripped and the paint is in what can only be described as a condition. Still, it’s a running, driving Porsche sports car for $4,000, and it doesn’t even have the engine from a Beetle or a van.
There we have it, two cheap sports cars that can give you a slice of the high life on a Miller High Life budget. Alright, maybe that’s optimistic, but what are sports cars if not optimistic? Sure, you might end up on the side of the road, but at least you’ll do it with some goddamn style. Anyway, choose wisely.
(Photo credits: Kijiji Autos sellers)
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Damn, if that 944 actually moves under its own power that’s a pretty slamming deal. 3k is like minimal rust shell of a 944 in New England. I feel like there is catch somewhere. Maybe this guy is going to try to sell you a Cutco knifes or something? Maybe Canadians are all Porsche purist and only respect the engine in the rear?
The Vette is so absurdly bad that I must have it. That and the fact that the Porsche price is only the entry fee. Someone dumping a 944 with a new motor doesn’t sit right with me. Anyway, fix the power steering leak, ignore everything else wrong with it, and go cruise to Twin Peaks.
I had an 84 Vette for 20 years…after about 100k the auto trans started acting up; after replacing that, then the diff went. It was great up until it wasn’t. It’s not going to be much fun at this rate. And it rattled all the way. I suspect the 944 rattles a lot less.
I’d buy the 944, paint it red, and then the missus and myself will park in front of various churches playing Jake and Samantha.
Who, me?
Such a problematic film when viewed today….
Yeah I was listening to an interview with Molly Ringwald and Haviland Morris a couple years ago where they talked about coming to terms with the distasteful nature of the film now and if they’d let their kids watch it.
What problems?!
The date rape?
The racist Asian portrayal?
The lack of a single black person in Chicago?
The gratuitous inclusion of two Cusacks?
Actually, I find Joan Cusak one of the most underrated comedic actors. If John is in a movie doing his usual introspective moping, you need Joan to liven things up.
Joan is awesome, and so is their sister Ann.
I always thought they were one person.
nice Audi
These are not entire-life crisis cars, mid-life crisis cars, or even quarter-life crisis cars. These are the sorts of cars one buys when one is in the phase (or, crisis, I suppose) of life where you think: “Hey, my brain isn’t fully developed yet, and I can’t believe I can afford a ‘Vette or a Parsch with the money I saved from my after-school job! How am I going to afford insurance? What am I going to do
ifwhen it breaks? Why is it so inexpensive in the first place? These are all questions for later. I want it now!”I’ll let you know when I grow out of that phase. I’ll take the Porsche, please.
I bought my first 944 on my first week of full-time employment, and no, I have not grown out of this. That was a great idea! Somewhere, please hire me so I can make another sound life decision.
A base 944 is really not the way you want to get into the Porsche brand. They’re pretty unimpressive cars with raspy 4 cylinders. They’re unreliable and parts are as expensive as they’d be for any other Porsche. Every now and then they’ll still pop up for 4 figures, and I’m sure all of us have thought about it at one point or another.
But you’d be better served saving up for a nice-ish example of an early Boxster or Cayman. That being said, this Corvette is clapped out into oblivion. You know it’s been ridden hard and put away wet. It has the wrong transmission and it’s just a vile mess of a car. C4s can be cool, but the cool ones only account for a tiny sliver of the ones that are still out there today.
Roached examples like this are way too common, and I want nothing to do with them. My mid 30s crisis is probably going to come in the form of a super sedan. I’ve been browsing Chevy SS listings lately and am curious as to how much of a nerf the automatic in those cars is because manual examples are a solid $10,000+ more. I’m also seeing CT4V BWs creep into the low 60s already, which is encouraging. However the IS500 seems to remain unobtainium and I doubt that’ll ever change.
Hard disagree. 944s are in no way unreliable, and they were built with Porsche quality, yes, in a leased Audi plant. They are delightful drivers. That transaxle gives the car a near-perfect 50/50 weight balance, and at the time they were considered among the best handling in the world. With not much power in the ’83s, they’re very much a slow-car-fast purchase. As Porsche does, however, the car was made progressively better almost every year – later cars are increasingly better than this ’83.
There are two problems with 944s which are mostly unfixable. First, the torque tubes that connect the engine to the transaxle are verrrry hard to find. Second, the rear hatch struts push up against the glass rather than the frame, and that glass can become “delaminated” from the frame. I have never seen a report of a succesful reglueing, regardless of time, skill, or industrial strength chemistry. If there’s evidence of water damage below the top edge of the glass, or wind noise, you’re not going to make it better. I also rarely like the idea of a “used motor.” You already had a used motor, is there a whole lot of reason to believe you’d be much better off with a *different* used motor?
I myself would buy neither if I didn’t have to, per the theory of buying the best car you can afford. A decent 944 is at very least an $8,000 car now – pay me now, or pay me later in parts and labor. But they aren’t making any more of them and if you have the means (and not many means) I highly recommend picking one up. Just not this one.
Having known a number of people who’ve owned (and one who still owns) 944s: they’re either frustratingly expensive to keep running well, or owned by someone who regularly wrenches on it to keep it running well.
Though hearing from those same owners (and former): the dream of an engine swap that they can’t bring themselves to do, is something they believe would resolve all their issues (but would be verboten to do to a Porsche, even a lowly 944).
I wouldn’t say verboten—there’s an annoying poster on Rennlist who seems to think an LS is always the answer—but it’s not the silver bullet everyone makes it out to be. Swap the engine, and then the things not designed to go with said engine swap either don’t fit anymore (and necessitate more work) or can’t handle the power.
Honestly, the 944 engine is good fun as-is to me, and I’ve got a base 2.5L. If you want silly fun, I recommend stripping out the interior and as much weight as possible instead, haha.
Used engines are all down to what happened to it before and how it’s been maintained since, and in this seller’s favor, it does seem like he knew the biggest problems to address right away. I’d still want a pre-purchase inspection done, but as long as I’m not going for a numbers-matching concours example, used engines are fine. These cars haven’t always had the best owners even with the original engine and tend to go pop when folks don’t mind the interference belts. (Again, maintenance is key!)
The ’83 offered one thing I was a fan of, though—enough that I swapped it onto the ’84 I bought as a replacement: a manual steering rack! The power steering pump on these is another sometimes-problem item I just didn’t want to deal with on an enduro racer. Also, the feel at speed is incredible. It’s just arms day when it’s not at speed, but eh, it’s manageable.
That $2,962 USD (per today’s exchange rate) is a pretty fair price nowadays, IMHO. I’d maybe offer a little less—provided the inspection’s all good, $2,500 USD and I get it out of your hair today, bud—but it’s easily my choice between these two.
Stef, this 944 has windows – I’m not sure you know what you’re talking about here! [smileyface.emoji]
I’m pleased, but not all that impressed he’s done timing belt and water pump – that’s just table stakes on a 944. Tell me he’s replaced the rubber fuel lines over the manifold and I know he’s serious. New control arms and he’s my hero.
However, the most important question to ask, which IS correctable by the next owner, is “does it have a cup holder?” I’m SHOCKED Stef didn’t already ask.
Yeeeeeah, I’d want to see in the engine bay and poke the rubber bits to make sure they’re not sad bricks for sure. Replacing lines isn’t terrible, though, but it’s a nice to have that’ll keep it from catching fire.
Lack of a cupholder wouldn’t deter me.
Still want one though, right?
https://jalopnik.com/putting-a-cupholder-in-my-race-car-is-the-best-decision-1823406273
(Yes, I am that person who remembers specific Stef Schrader articles from 5 years ago)
Oh, of course. I just know that it can be arranged.
I think clear FlexSeal could handle it. Kidding.
But if you use it and then turn the car upside DOWN then you’re GOLDEN!
I’ve seen posts on the fora which go on for a page and a half and involve every 3M product every made and which end up with “So, no, that didn’t work.”
Even harder disagree on the 944. 944s are light, nimble and fun. The four-banger is pretty smooth power-delivery-wise, and it’s torquey enough to make a solid beginner’s track car without being too powerful for a novice driver.
Parts seem to skew cheaper than the other Porsches, too, and there’s a ton of aftermarket support thanks to all of us nerds putting them on race tracks. There’s a ton of info on how to wrench on them out there, and aside from maybe the clutch taking longer than usual thanks to the transaxle setup, it’s easier to work on than folks make it out to be and definitely easier than working on a mid-engined car. “Mind the belts” is our version of the early Box/man’s IMS issues thanks to the 944 engine’s interference design, though, and that’s not even that expensive to do.
I don’t think 944s are any more unreliable than any other aging car, either, so long as you stay on top of maintenance. I beat the absolute hell out of mine for five or six? years of track use without ever opening up the engine for a closer look at things before I ran into any larger issues. This was kind of an unknown entity bought out of Jalopnik’s comment section, too. Even then, I think me brushing off “that can’t be the water pump” and recurring fan issues in central Texas was probably what finished off the head gasket and forced me to look inside. Even then—hey, no catastrophic damage! It’s running stronger than ever now that we’ve replaced that head gasket.
source: yo I actually own one and this was my intro to maximum parsh life
I am happy to be incorrect on this because it means there are still cheap Porsches out there. I think I may have taken the scathing RCR review on them too seriously…although Brian is wrong constantly so I’m not sure why I take his opinions with anything but a grain of salt.
Enjoy maximum parsh life and thanks to the rest of you for the mechanical knowledge. I learned something today.
He was harsh to my garbage son’s 2.7L cousin!
He should drive mine, hahahahahahahahahaha.
[They don’t sound great, you’re right about that tho]
Brother I drive a Hyundai with one of loudest 4 cylinders there is that farts out of the exhaust pipes when the valves are open. I am a CONNOISSEUR of bad 4 cylinder noises.
Since neither is going to be good at reliable transportation and slow at the track (without major surgery), the only thing they are good for is checklist material. I would rather namedrop Porsche at a party than Corvette – it might impress someone and it carries a little less baggage.
I think you can get a lot more baggage in a 944 than Vette.
By the time you make either car decent, they will be carrying a hefty amount of emotional baggage.
If someone had not sloppily sprayed the Vette with BBQ paint it would have been fine.
$2,900 USD for a running 944 is an incredible deal. I’m always nervous about the repair costs of a cheap Porsche, but that price is too good to pass up.
As for the Corvette, I’m having trouble finding the right words to describe it. It looks like a 4 wheeled venereal disease. If syphilis were a car, it would be this Corvette.
$10 says that it’s not actually running – at least not without a new battery (pics show it disconnected and on a charger).
“It looks like a 4 wheeled venereal disease”
Isn’t that
mostall used Corvettes?I kid, I kid…
I always have to wonder what other forms of redneckery have happened when a car is painted like that. Ew. A thousand times ew.
Both could certainly benefit from and LS swap for sure, but even though the Vette will likely be the more fiscally responsible thing to do, I just can’t. I have never liked that gen Vette. I would prefer to waste the money on a 928 if I am going to get a Porsche in a front engine layout, but I do know of an LS kit for these and I like the fender flared design enough that I might spend the money if I won the lottery.
6 liter truck block for $500 and a hot cam. LS swap all the things!
That Vette is screaming to be Vette-Kart’ed.
Anyone voting for the Vette here needs to explain themselves
Its a present…for you!
Gotta go with the Poorsche. (Thanks @Canopysaurus. Great word.) Either one would be an incredibly bad decision. But the Vette appears to be much farther gone than the 944, and I prefer my bad decisions with a stick.
I was about to make a comment that I didn’t realize that the 4L60 was a whole hellva lot older than I thought it was….
But then I decided to look it up, and in ’84, that should’ve been a 700R4, right?
The 4L60 was the same trans as the 700R4, just renamed to 4L60 in 1990 to comply with GM’s new naming convention. It gained electronic shifting controls in 1992, becoming the 4L60-E. So you are technically correct, which is the best kind of correct.
Good to know. Thank you!
Which raises another question – if it’s a 4L60E, what “E” device is controlling it? It’s probably actually a 700R4.
Yep, unless it’s had a swap of some sort, it’s a 700R4.
Wow, I had no clue about that little factoid.
I’m looking at this as a track rat comparison. The Porsche is the best choice all around with its better condition and stick shift. The powertrain of that C4 will give you nothing but V8 sounds and a whole lot of disappointment.
Poorsche, please.
It is a Porsche for the poors, so Poorsche is the correct term.
Oof. I’m going to say neither.
At the point of a gun I’d go with the Corvette. Parts are everywhere, uncorking an extra stableful of horses should be straightforward and of the post-Stingray era, the C4 isn’t the ugliest of the bunch. Sorting this thing out won’t cost a lot of money.
I love the 944 but if I were going to have one I’d go completely counterculture and find a 924 Turbo instead. Sorting out a 944 – or 924T – would likely cost more than any ‘Vette project.
Uffta! I like C4’s, but that one is too far gone. The thought of having to swap a clutch in a 944 gives me nightmares, but that’s a chance I’ll have to take. Gimme the Parshe!
This one is going to be pretty lopsided.
I don’t see anything redeeming about that C4 at all. 944 please.
I don’t think that vette could win a head-to-head against a swift kick in the nuts.
Really weighing both options and I’m not 100% sure what I would choose.
Depends on who the nut-kicker is, I guess.
Fine, the kick in the nuts will only cost you $3K. But that’s as low as I’ll go.
Oh wait, I was recalibrating between this being a free Vette and a kick in the nuts. I’m taking the kick in the nuts over paying for the Vette all day.
Dirk Diggler had a C3.
I was gonna say “drove” a C3, but I think most of his driving was something else.
As a driver I think the porsche is a safer bet.
But, I’m taking it to the track. The Vette will do more once I swap out that motor. Cheap wrap job, lock the headlights down. 10/10ths until it blows up.
I’m old enough to remember when C4s were cool. Even then, 944s were cooler. BTW, I still like C4s – just not this C4. Way too much needs correcting, and its just not worth sorting out. At the very least, this 944 doesn’t look completely roached at the jump.
According to Tavarish, the seats from a Mazda3 bolt in to the 944, and hopefully theydd be in better shape.
As for the Vette….too much weirdness. Yeah, one could Spray Max over the Matter to get a shiny black. Yes, one could LS this thing. Yes, windshields are plentiful. But this thing has too much of a “giant POS vibe to make it worth the effort.
Also, “the headlights need a relay.” How frickin’ hard is it to replace a damn relay? REPLACE IT!
And the A/C – with 40 year-old rubber – just needs a recharge!
If you’re not going the restoration route, heck, skip to a pair of racing buckets and harnesses. Maybe a half-cage in the back if you’re cool with ditching the rear seats.
The 944 as it is better taken care of. Granted if the Vette as in better shape, I would go that way.
Lucky seventh vote (mine) and still 100% for the 944. This looks like a decent deal on one of my favorite cars from the 80’s!
16 votes in and still all 944.
There must be some voting click box that people are getting and I’m not. Maybe my work computer has some watchdog keeping that from showing up.
Over 100 now and 7 crazies went for the Vette. I was not one of them this time. With a manual maybe, but never would I go for an 80s American V8 with an auto. Too weak and terrible.