Hello! It’s you! I’m so happy to see you!
Boy, have the last few days not gone the way I’d planned. I was supposed to go to Stuttgart, see some great stuff there (which I did, and you’ll hear about soon), then go to Goodwood in the UK, but for whatever dumb reason my idiot body thought it would be cooler to get 102° fevers and keep soaking me in sweat and make me spend far too long in a German hospital named after the guy who made the distributor in my old Beetle and my doctors at home were freaking out because if I got an “infection” in my “graft” it would be “catastrophic” and so I tried to head home but everything got delayed and right now I’m in a sweat-soaked bed in a Montreal hotel room, in the least sexy interpretation of those words. Oy.
Also, the inside of my mouth hurts like hell. Tongue, too. I can barely eat. What is this? I hate complaining about medical stuff. I’m so sick of it! I just want to get back to ignoring my health completely, like a True American, please. I have to go to the ER right when I get back and I’ll be in the hospital yet afuckingain. I can tell you this in confidence, because I know you’ll keep it between us, but I am so fucking tired of hospitals and all of this mess.
Okay, enough complaining. Whew. Thanks for letting me vent all that out. As a reward, here’s all the interesting cars I saw on the streets of Stuttgart!
I should note that for the most part, the car-scape of Stuttgart is a bit of a letdown, considering the city is home to Porsche and Mercedes-Benz. Well, it’s probably only a letdown if you let yourself indulge in some overly optimistic thinking, assuming the city is crawling with Porsche 356s and gull-wing Benzes and that sort of thing, which, of course, it isn’t. But there’s still some good stuff, like this:
Yes, a Smart Roadster! Of course, we never got these little charmers in America, so it’s always a treat to see them and their fantastic three-lug steelies. These things are so much fun, why aren’t more people starting to import them to the US?
Oh, here’s another strange-to-Americans-Smart:
Remember the Smart ForFour? It was a Mitsubishi, interestingly re-bodied! It was colored to look like it had the Smart safety cell thing, but I’m not sure if it actually had something unique or if the unibody was just painted one color and the fenders and door skins and hood another? Whatever it was, these things are oddly appealing now, I think.
Screw it, we’re already going on about Smarts, so here’s one more:
In case you were wondering if Smart ForTwo people actually take advantage of the perpendicular street parking thing, they definitely do.
Oh, this isn’t car-related, but likely will feel deeply wrong to Americans:
Hellman’s ketchup and Heinz mayonnaise? What the hell is going on here? What kind of weird-ass mirror universe is this? Do chairs sit on people? Will my burger eat me?
Also interesting to note is that the default stand-in everycar icon used on signs like these seems to be a first-generation Volkswagen Golf. I saw it on a number of signs. I’m glad they seemingly haven’t updated it since 1979 or so.
I’m sort of a sucker for these Renault Kangoos; this looks like a first-gen one, which was made between 1997 and 2009, which I guess is enough time for all that green paint to escape. I think these have so much character for a utility vehicle. In a similar vein, I love these, too:
The Skoda Roomster! What an odd design; it’s almost like a completely different car aft of the B-pillar, but somehow I think it works. It’s pleasingly spaceshippy.
Like most of the world, Stuttgart is mostly filled with boringly grayscale cars; there are some exceptions, like this happily yellow Citroën DS3 Sport, which is pretty exuberant for a modern car.
Some other worthy chromatic examples are this fantastic little blue Renault Twingo, one of my favorite cheap-car designs of the last 50 years, and this nice red Opel Astra, which I think is a mid-90s vintage one?
Oh, and look at this:
I had no idea UPS was operating these interesting three-wheeled e-bike cargo vehicles, but it seems they’ve been doing it since 2012! I’m sure in this heat that driver would prefer the air-conditioned cab of something, but, hell, in the US our mail trucks still aren’t all equipped with AC, either.
As an aside, I’d appreciate it if someone could explain to me what this sign means. Pay attention to couples with a floating orb? Groups with a third guy with a tall but invisible body, meet here? Look at them? What is this?
There weren’t that many old cars on the roads of Stuttgart, but there were some. Here’s the good stuff I happened to see:
Hey, what a lovely old VW Bus!
This looks like a maybe ’76-’79 or so one? I’m not entirely sure, but it’s in beautiful shape. This thing glinted and gleamed like a ruby and the engine rattled in just that perfect way.
I also saw a Vanagon/T3 Type 2 bus, possibly a Synchro, but maybe not. This one had an interesting bubble window and no rear side windows, along with a Westfalia pop-up camper roof and towing a lot of bikes and equipment. Someone is very much enjoying this machine.
Look how good this old Ford Sierra looks! I don’t know these very well, as we never got them in America, but I think this is one of the facelifted Mk.2 ones, from around 1990 to 1993. These were handsome, sporty sedans!
Okay, one last treat. See this Mercedes-Benz/Steyr-Puch G-Wagen? This one is special. This was used as a support vehicle by Porsche’s Dakkar rally teams, which means it has something special under the hood:
That’s a Porsche V8 from the 928! Look how well they crammed that in there, and I like that big-ass crossbrace. Also, look how well-protected these turn indicators are:
Damn, that’s a well-protected turn indicator! Nothing in the desert is going to keep turns from being indicated!
And finally, we have this charming Mk.2 (technically, a facelifted Mk.1) Ford Transit! I bet this is from around, oh, 1982 or so? I love this thing; look at the odd rear wheelarch insert there! It’s a very friendly and charming seeming sort of van. Also, looks quite roomy!
Oh, by chance while getting some anti-fever meds I happened to see this sculpture by one of my favorite artists, Alexander Calder! It’s called Crinkly with a Red Disc, from 1973! That’s always a treat!
And finally, I did at least get a ride in David’s wonderful Chrysler diesel minivan, because he drove me all the way to the Frankfurt airport after being up till 4 am with me in an uncomfortable hospital, because that’s the kind of pal David is.
I’ve seen what some of you monsters have said about David and his many, many questionable automotive (and hygiene) decisions over the years, and I’ve read the absurd vitriol hurled his way from both sides of the inane Cybertruck Wars, and I just want to remind everyone that they should be so lucky to have a friend like David. So maybe just consider that the next time you’re about to castigate him for what you see as either fellating or flagellating Elon. So there.
Great stuff, Jason. Get well soon!
I wave at your Montreal accommodations from two hours west! If you were in better health and I had the time, I’d lend you my 80s diesel S class to experience Stuttgart one last time before leaving back to Cheeseburger land!
Surprised you did not get into bed with the blue Twingo which was giving you that “come love me” look they have.
(Or may be you did and she was so hot you started burning up…)
Hope your pump and radiator problems are fixed soon.
I spent a couple days in Stuttgart when I went to Germany in 2017; hit the Porsche and Mercedes museums which were both fantastic. Went out to dinner at a pub one night by myself and attempted to order an appetizer and an entree. The very German woman serving me refused to sell me both because “is too much food.” Lady I know what I’m about.
Us Swabians always care for the well-being of our guests. And for the content of their wallets ????
Torch, with all due respect and love: yer high maintenance, bud. You’re ten-ply.
Get well Mr. Torch, take some time off and just let your body heal
Yeah, yeah, get well Torch.
My REAL concern is what IS that fender flare thing on the Transit?!? Some kind of rust patch? I must know!
There were different fenders for single and dual rear tires. The rest of the body was identical. This is simply the „non-dually“ version.
Interesting! Thanks!
Glad that you are getting the care you need, sad you can’t boulevard in Montreal which often has strange and interesting cars around the East end. Agree re Stuttgart though; not one of my favourite German cities.
Hey – Take care of your health – we need you on the job! Thanks for sharing your photos from Stuttgart.
How did you end up in Canada? I know there are direct flights to virtually any big city on the US East Coast from Germany. Did they just put you on the first flight to anywhere? Got to be a story in there somewhere and I look forward to reading it soon. Get well and have a COVID mask handy if you’re headed anywhere in the Carolinas.
PS. Did you know that Stuttgart means stud farm?
Torch, please take care of yourself. When I saw you were headed for Yurp I thought, “his doc was okay with this?”
Please get well, we can’t lose you.
JT, look on the bright side. You get to go back to unlimited free ice chips and treaded ankle socks!
Seriously though, it’s a bummer you gotta go back in, but it gets easier every time. You’ll get through it, so don’t stress it too much.
It’s not like you have much say in the matter anyway. Stay in your zen zone, bud 🙂
Oooo! I love those treaded ankle socks. I have a whole set of red and blue ones from UNC hospital!
That T3 cannot be a Syncro – unless it has been lowered for some reason, which makes no sense to me. Syncros have this unmistakably tall ride height that makes them very much impossible to confuse.
Oh, no Torch. Please get well. It’s amazing that, despite your present maladies, you manage to be such an awesome carspotter (and of interesting things in general) and can throw together a great article like this.
Shit Torch! Just want to wish you all the best man. This really sucks.
Behave yourself and maybe the INS will let you return to the land of poor decisions…
Good luck man.
As for DT, well he has it coming. /s
We need you, Jason, few people have the combination of weirdness and intelligence that you do. Take it easy and get well soon.
Torch! Go get healthy! Content can wait. Don’t worry about us, we’ll still be here. Your wife & son need you far more than we do. Hope you feel better soon.
Oh no! We have you over here once, and this is the result. Get well soon.
That mysterious sign, by the way, marks an assembly spot for large buildings in case of fire. Better explanation here:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meeting_point
Montreal hospital you say? Sounds like that may be the same Hospital that turned me away in college when I came in to get stitches in my face, due to poor decisions the night before. As an American they demanded $600 up front for me to “see” the Dr. We had spent all the money we had the previous night, on various forms of entertainment. Instead of getting fixed up in Canada, we drove back to Amherst in a Civic SI, so I could get stiches there. Hope you get better soon!
In Canada, snitches may get stitches…but Americans get nothing
did these various forms of entertainment involve rugs or other portable carpet solutions, btw?
I remember some sort of textiles, but it may have latex.
LOL, SUNY Buffalo?
UMass Amherst. The scar on my face is just about the only thing I took away from my time there. (freshman year only, then came back closer to home)
Yeah, that makes more sense. Sorry about the face, though.
This weird sign means it’s a gathering spot in case of fire after evacuation. To be honest I never paid attention it has an orb above the people in the sign.
I was about to type the same thing; the sign indicates that it’s a muster point in case of an evacuation. I see these sorts of signs all over institutes where multilingual staff and clients are common.
I guess the orb represents the sun or the moon, indicating that the spot is outdoors.
I‘m almost sure it‘s supposed to be a third head (same size, quite near to the other two), so it represents a „group“ rather than a „couple“.
It represents God is always there for you when the shit hits the fan.
Or something like that.
Explained to me by a German friend doing mushrooms. YMMV
In Canada they just read “MUSTER POINT”, only occasionally being accompanied by the floating orb international symbol.
As the folks in the South might say about those monsters, “bless their hearts”. 😐
(For those unfamiliar, that’s not NEARLY as nice as it sounds)
And to paraphrase Ford’s ad campaign from… whenever that was, “Health is Job #1”. Unlike with Ford, however, we intend to hold you to it. 🙂
Fun fact: adding a word to the middle of another word like that is called tmesis.
So you know what “bless your heart ” really means down here?
We do try to be somewhat diplomatic at times.
Except when DT is involved.
For extra emphasis, sometimes we say “bless your little heart.”
Jason, please get healthy, particularly for your family.
Take some time off from travel and hole up with old car brochures and computer systems. Maybe rekindle your relationship with the Lane and Duncan Motors and other more local places of interest.
Get better soon Torch. Don’t let big taillight take you down!
Damn Torch! Take care!
Montreal! Only a couple of hours from me in Ottawa.
Seriously, get better. The world needs more guys like you in it. Take care of your health, and we’ll make sure that this place is kept up.