Hello! It’s you! I’m so happy to see you!
Boy, have the last few days not gone the way I’d planned. I was supposed to go to Stuttgart, see some great stuff there (which I did, and you’ll hear about soon), then go to Goodwood in the UK, but for whatever dumb reason my idiot body thought it would be cooler to get 102° fevers and keep soaking me in sweat and make me spend far too long in a German hospital named after the guy who made the distributor in my old Beetle and my doctors at home were freaking out because if I got an “infection” in my “graft” it would be “catastrophic” and so I tried to head home but everything got delayed and right now I’m in a sweat-soaked bed in a Montreal hotel room, in the least sexy interpretation of those words. Oy.
Also, the inside of my mouth hurts like hell. Tongue, too. I can barely eat. What is this? I hate complaining about medical stuff. I’m so sick of it! I just want to get back to ignoring my health completely, like a True American, please. I have to go to the ER right when I get back and I’ll be in the hospital yet afuckingain. I can tell you this in confidence, because I know you’ll keep it between us, but I am so fucking tired of hospitals and all of this mess.
Okay, enough complaining. Whew. Thanks for letting me vent all that out. As a reward, here’s all the interesting cars I saw on the streets of Stuttgart!
I should note that for the most part, the car-scape of Stuttgart is a bit of a letdown, considering the city is home to Porsche and Mercedes-Benz. Well, it’s probably only a letdown if you let yourself indulge in some overly optimistic thinking, assuming the city is crawling with Porsche 356s and gull-wing Benzes and that sort of thing, which, of course, it isn’t. But there’s still some good stuff, like this:
Yes, a Smart Roadster! Of course, we never got these little charmers in America, so it’s always a treat to see them and their fantastic three-lug steelies. These things are so much fun, why aren’t more people starting to import them to the US?
Oh, here’s another strange-to-Americans-Smart:
Remember the Smart ForFour? It was a Mitsubishi, interestingly re-bodied! It was colored to look like it had the Smart safety cell thing, but I’m not sure if it actually had something unique or if the unibody was just painted one color and the fenders and door skins and hood another? Whatever it was, these things are oddly appealing now, I think.
Screw it, we’re already going on about Smarts, so here’s one more:
In case you were wondering if Smart ForTwo people actually take advantage of the perpendicular street parking thing, they definitely do.
Oh, this isn’t car-related, but likely will feel deeply wrong to Americans:
Hellman’s ketchup and Heinz mayonnaise? What the hell is going on here? What kind of weird-ass mirror universe is this? Do chairs sit on people? Will my burger eat me?
Also interesting to note is that the default stand-in everycar icon used on signs like these seems to be a first-generation Volkswagen Golf. I saw it on a number of signs. I’m glad they seemingly haven’t updated it since 1979 or so.
I’m sort of a sucker for these Renault Kangoos; this looks like a first-gen one, which was made between 1997 and 2009, which I guess is enough time for all that green paint to escape. I think these have so much character for a utility vehicle. In a similar vein, I love these, too:
The Skoda Roomster! What an odd design; it’s almost like a completely different car aft of the B-pillar, but somehow I think it works. It’s pleasingly spaceshippy.
Like most of the world, Stuttgart is mostly filled with boringly grayscale cars; there are some exceptions, like this happily yellow Citroën DS3 Sport, which is pretty exuberant for a modern car.
Some other worthy chromatic examples are this fantastic little blue Renault Twingo, one of my favorite cheap-car designs of the last 50 years, and this nice red Opel Astra, which I think is a mid-90s vintage one?
Oh, and look at this:
I had no idea UPS was operating these interesting three-wheeled e-bike cargo vehicles, but it seems they’ve been doing it since 2012! I’m sure in this heat that driver would prefer the air-conditioned cab of something, but, hell, in the US our mail trucks still aren’t all equipped with AC, either.
As an aside, I’d appreciate it if someone could explain to me what this sign means. Pay attention to couples with a floating orb? Groups with a third guy with a tall but invisible body, meet here? Look at them? What is this?
There weren’t that many old cars on the roads of Stuttgart, but there were some. Here’s the good stuff I happened to see:
Hey, what a lovely old VW Bus!
This looks like a maybe ’76-’79 or so one? I’m not entirely sure, but it’s in beautiful shape. This thing glinted and gleamed like a ruby and the engine rattled in just that perfect way.
I also saw a Vanagon/T3 Type 2 bus, possibly a Synchro, but maybe not. This one had an interesting bubble window and no rear side windows, along with a Westfalia pop-up camper roof and towing a lot of bikes and equipment. Someone is very much enjoying this machine.
Look how good this old Ford Sierra looks! I don’t know these very well, as we never got them in America, but I think this is one of the facelifted Mk.2 ones, from around 1990 to 1993. These were handsome, sporty sedans!
Okay, one last treat. See this Mercedes-Benz/Steyr-Puch G-Wagen? This one is special. This was used as a support vehicle by Porsche’s Dakkar rally teams, which means it has something special under the hood:
That’s a Porsche V8 from the 928! Look how well they crammed that in there, and I like that big-ass crossbrace. Also, look how well-protected these turn indicators are:
Damn, that’s a well-protected turn indicator! Nothing in the desert is going to keep turns from being indicated!
And finally, we have this charming Mk.2 (technically, a facelifted Mk.1) Ford Transit! I bet this is from around, oh, 1982 or so? I love this thing; look at the odd rear wheelarch insert there! It’s a very friendly and charming seeming sort of van. Also, looks quite roomy!
Oh, by chance while getting some anti-fever meds I happened to see this sculpture by one of my favorite artists, Alexander Calder! It’s called Crinkly with a Red Disc, from 1973! That’s always a treat!
And finally, I did at least get a ride in David’s wonderful Chrysler diesel minivan, because he drove me all the way to the Frankfurt airport after being up till 4 am with me in an uncomfortable hospital, because that’s the kind of pal David is.
I’ve seen what some of you monsters have said about David and his many, many questionable automotive (and hygiene) decisions over the years, and I’ve read the absurd vitriol hurled his way from both sides of the inane Cybertruck Wars, and I just want to remind everyone that they should be so lucky to have a friend like David. So maybe just consider that the next time you’re about to castigate him for what you see as either fellating or flagellating Elon. So there.
“I have to go to the ER right when I get back and I’ll be in the hospital yet afuckingain.”
Well hopefully you won’t shit your pants this time.
LOL
I hope you have a speedy recovery and the fever/infection doesn’t cause any complications.
Know that even as an affirmed atheist, I will pray for your speedy and complete recovery. You’re that important. 🙂
A small addition for Torch and other lighting admirers: This generation of Ford Sierras has to be the only car where, by default, every indicator comes in a different color. Front indicators are white, repeaters on the side are amber, taillight lenses including the indicators are smoked grey.
Sorry that your trip ended on a sour note, no one likes sheet time. As a native of Montreal it is a shame you won’t be able to wander around a bit – for instance I think you can still ride a bicycle on the Circuit Gilles Villeneuve.
On yeah, the weird sign denotes a Designated Meeting Spot, if your group wants to split up and wander around you can set choose one first.
Get better soon, Torch!
Man gets life-threatening infection minutes after entering a David Tracy vehicle…Hmmm.
May your hospital room be lined with sepia-tinged hand-illustrated car ads and your nurse be an air-cooled engine enthusiast. Please take care and recover fully. The world needs more Torch.
I guess I understood something intellectually but I didn’t really get it until I saw the Smart parked perpendicular to the curb. That’s great and all, but then I remember my trips to France and my French friend responding to my clear discomfort with casually making contact with the cars ahead and behind while parking: “they’re called bumpers, aren’t they?” Except in this case their bumper would be hitting the sides of your car. And this wouldn’t even have to be deliberate, as things are so tight parking in Europe that all it takes is a small unintentional miscalculation.
Well wishes for a rapid and full recovery!
Yikes! I was actually worried about you after your last post said you didn’t feel well before the trip, then a long nothing. Here’s hoping it’s just a bad tooth, or something easily remedied. Always entertained by your writing, and anticipate many more. Slow that mustang down.
Thanks for the update, Torch! Stuttgart is on my shortlist of places to show up at once I finally make it over to Europe. And now thanks to you I won’t be completely overwhelmed by that ketchup/mayo situation – yee-ikes.
You’re about as old-guard hard-core as they get, but still need some maintenance from time to time. Luckily it sounds like you’re in good hands – another thank-you to DT for providing any of the necessary applications of bidet-noodles, aqua-pasta, or whatever the European designation of shower-spaghetti actually is. Also for those diesel-minivan taxi services and just for being an all-around solid guy.
Return, rest, relax, regroup, regurgitate, whatever it takes to get better. And let us know if you need any extra-detailed taillight and or indicator-pics emailed your way to help further a productive recovery.
Missing out on Goodwood is somewhere in Jason’s pile of bummers.
Hey man, sorry to hear you’re still dealing with these health issues. My advice is to take time off and get yourself healthy. Cut back on your writing, quit traveling, and follow the doctors’ orders until all the tubes are gone, your incisions have healed and you’re back to 100%. Your Autopian family would hate to lose you permanently, and more importantly, so would your actual family.
Oh geez, I see “everything went sideways” with Jason’s name in the byline, and (._. )
Take care, Jason!
Sorry about your health issues Torch. But you were in Germany in the middle of the Euros football (or soccer to you ‘Muricans) tournament. Man the vibe must be amazing there.
Some Germans like both ketchup and mayonnaise on their pommes frites (German for french fries). You can ask for “pommes rot weiß” if you want both condiments on the fries. Thus, Hellmann’s Tomato Ketchup und Heinz Salat Mayonnaise to go with your pommes frites.
It’s about the branding…here in the States Heinz is known as a Ketchup brand and Hellmann’s is a mayonnaise brand. I’ve never seen Hellmann’s ketchup outside of bulk food service applications (and it’s rare)
I’m in a sweat-soaked bed in a Montreal hotel room, in the least sexy interpretation of those words
Herewith the content I crave.
But seriously. After having spend a total of 59 days of calling hospitals and rehab centers “homes” a year and a half ago, I can relate all too well at the suckiness of involuntary medical confinement. My intense sympathies and hopes for complete recovery.
oh and thanks for the pics. I’ve only done a drive-thru in Stuttgart, but it’s pretty similar to the kinds of vehicular dimensions I’d experienced in my late 90s/early-mid Aughts travel in Deutschland, good to get an update from a guy on the ground.
Yeah, Torch, though my right brain believes I deserve your amazing commentary and eyes all over the streets of Stuttgart ASAP, my left brain wishes you would slowly recover at home until you are 1000%. Your genius comes through either way.
JT, did you have a fever prior to consuming those janky condiments? _:(´ཀ`」∠):_
Inquiring minds want to know! 😉
Seriously though, As someone who has survived a “heart event” I know the temptation to resume a normal life ASAP, but sometimes you will have to tone it down a little to get yourself 100% healthy, it’s a frustrating process.
So, Go a little easier JT, you’ve been through some MAJOR Sh*t! Your family, friends and your fans here at the Autopian want you around for many, many more years to come! ❤
Aren’t hospitals just so fucking tedious? Even though you’re grateful for their life-saving or recovery-assistance care, you just want to break the walls and escape as soon as you have the strength. Get well soon, Torch, and may you never again endure the drudgery and routine humiliation of hospital care. (Thank you to the clinicians in my life!) Also, I’ll take that G-Wagon! Gorgeous.
Earlier this year I spent 8 hours in both chronic pain and chronic boredom. You can only experience this in a hospital.
I’m sure it’s deliberate so you feel super happy when you get to leave, which I hope Torch gets to experience soon.
Oh no, take care! Also, every time I see a Smart Roadster I have to check when they were introduced (2002) and be disappointed again that we Americans have to wait ’til 2027 to import one.
Get well soon Jason! We missed you, but we’d rather miss you than be without you, know what I mean?
First off: I’m sorry that you have to box again, and really hope they fix you well this time. Take good care, you and your family.
Second: France (oh, I’ll have to update the pun).
Third: the sign means a meeting point for earthquakes, fires, zombie festivals or latin music concerts, those kind of catastrophes.
Fourth: I love Sierras. You are spot on with your description. And Roomsters are absurdly cool.
Fifth: we all deserve a friend like David some time in our lives. Glad you have him around.
All the best for you, and thanks for the article!
So Germany is some sort of bizarro condiment world? Never realized that. And damn, dude, hope this medical all gets permanently sorted out in short order.
That’s the perfect place for an “Oy”
I am currently unemployed and located about 25% of the way home for you.
How can I help?
Same here, but still stuck in Central America. Applied for a really cool job in NC, though.
Good luck! I applied to one in Spain today.
Best of luck!
Godspeed Jason! I experienced French’s Ketchup with Heinz Mustard in a restaurant once and it still haunts me to this day.
If you ever need someone to talk to, we’re here for you.
Here I was feeling bad for Torch and you were here suffering in silence, right beside us, this whole time.