Hello! It’s you! I’m so happy to see you!
Boy, have the last few days not gone the way I’d planned. I was supposed to go to Stuttgart, see some great stuff there (which I did, and you’ll hear about soon), then go to Goodwood in the UK, but for whatever dumb reason my idiot body thought it would be cooler to get 102° fevers and keep soaking me in sweat and make me spend far too long in a German hospital named after the guy who made the distributor in my old Beetle and my doctors at home were freaking out because if I got an “infection” in my “graft” it would be “catastrophic” and so I tried to head home but everything got delayed and right now I’m in a sweat-soaked bed in a Montreal hotel room, in the least sexy interpretation of those words. Oy.
Also, the inside of my mouth hurts like hell. Tongue, too. I can barely eat. What is this? I hate complaining about medical stuff. I’m so sick of it! I just want to get back to ignoring my health completely, like a True American, please. I have to go to the ER right when I get back and I’ll be in the hospital yet afuckingain. I can tell you this in confidence, because I know you’ll keep it between us, but I am so fucking tired of hospitals and all of this mess.
Okay, enough complaining. Whew. Thanks for letting me vent all that out. As a reward, here’s all the interesting cars I saw on the streets of Stuttgart!
I should note that for the most part, the car-scape of Stuttgart is a bit of a letdown, considering the city is home to Porsche and Mercedes-Benz. Well, it’s probably only a letdown if you let yourself indulge in some overly optimistic thinking, assuming the city is crawling with Porsche 356s and gull-wing Benzes and that sort of thing, which, of course, it isn’t. But there’s still some good stuff, like this:
Yes, a Smart Roadster! Of course, we never got these little charmers in America, so it’s always a treat to see them and their fantastic three-lug steelies. These things are so much fun, why aren’t more people starting to import them to the US?
Oh, here’s another strange-to-Americans-Smart:
Remember the Smart ForFour? It was a Mitsubishi, interestingly re-bodied! It was colored to look like it had the Smart safety cell thing, but I’m not sure if it actually had something unique or if the unibody was just painted one color and the fenders and door skins and hood another? Whatever it was, these things are oddly appealing now, I think.
Screw it, we’re already going on about Smarts, so here’s one more:
In case you were wondering if Smart ForTwo people actually take advantage of the perpendicular street parking thing, they definitely do.
Oh, this isn’t car-related, but likely will feel deeply wrong to Americans:
Hellman’s ketchup and Heinz mayonnaise? What the hell is going on here? What kind of weird-ass mirror universe is this? Do chairs sit on people? Will my burger eat me?
Also interesting to note is that the default stand-in everycar icon used on signs like these seems to be a first-generation Volkswagen Golf. I saw it on a number of signs. I’m glad they seemingly haven’t updated it since 1979 or so.
I’m sort of a sucker for these Renault Kangoos; this looks like a first-gen one, which was made between 1997 and 2009, which I guess is enough time for all that green paint to escape. I think these have so much character for a utility vehicle. In a similar vein, I love these, too:
The Skoda Roomster! What an odd design; it’s almost like a completely different car aft of the B-pillar, but somehow I think it works. It’s pleasingly spaceshippy.
Like most of the world, Stuttgart is mostly filled with boringly grayscale cars; there are some exceptions, like this happily yellow Citroën DS3 Sport, which is pretty exuberant for a modern car.
Some other worthy chromatic examples are this fantastic little blue Renault Twingo, one of my favorite cheap-car designs of the last 50 years, and this nice red Opel Astra, which I think is a mid-90s vintage one?
Oh, and look at this:
I had no idea UPS was operating these interesting three-wheeled e-bike cargo vehicles, but it seems they’ve been doing it since 2012! I’m sure in this heat that driver would prefer the air-conditioned cab of something, but, hell, in the US our mail trucks still aren’t all equipped with AC, either.
As an aside, I’d appreciate it if someone could explain to me what this sign means. Pay attention to couples with a floating orb? Groups with a third guy with a tall but invisible body, meet here? Look at them? What is this?
There weren’t that many old cars on the roads of Stuttgart, but there were some. Here’s the good stuff I happened to see:
Hey, what a lovely old VW Bus!
This looks like a maybe ’76-’79 or so one? I’m not entirely sure, but it’s in beautiful shape. This thing glinted and gleamed like a ruby and the engine rattled in just that perfect way.
I also saw a Vanagon/T3 Type 2 bus, possibly a Synchro, but maybe not. This one had an interesting bubble window and no rear side windows, along with a Westfalia pop-up camper roof and towing a lot of bikes and equipment. Someone is very much enjoying this machine.
Look how good this old Ford Sierra looks! I don’t know these very well, as we never got them in America, but I think this is one of the facelifted Mk.2 ones, from around 1990 to 1993. These were handsome, sporty sedans!
Okay, one last treat. See this Mercedes-Benz/Steyr-Puch G-Wagen? This one is special. This was used as a support vehicle by Porsche’s Dakkar rally teams, which means it has something special under the hood:
That’s a Porsche V8 from the 928! Look how well they crammed that in there, and I like that big-ass crossbrace. Also, look how well-protected these turn indicators are:
Damn, that’s a well-protected turn indicator! Nothing in the desert is going to keep turns from being indicated!
And finally, we have this charming Mk.2 (technically, a facelifted Mk.1) Ford Transit! I bet this is from around, oh, 1982 or so? I love this thing; look at the odd rear wheelarch insert there! It’s a very friendly and charming seeming sort of van. Also, looks quite roomy!
Oh, by chance while getting some anti-fever meds I happened to see this sculpture by one of my favorite artists, Alexander Calder! It’s called Crinkly with a Red Disc, from 1973! That’s always a treat!
And finally, I did at least get a ride in David’s wonderful Chrysler diesel minivan, because he drove me all the way to the Frankfurt airport after being up till 4 am with me in an uncomfortable hospital, because that’s the kind of pal David is.
I’ve seen what some of you monsters have said about David and his many, many questionable automotive (and hygiene) decisions over the years, and I’ve read the absurd vitriol hurled his way from both sides of the inane Cybertruck Wars, and I just want to remind everyone that they should be so lucky to have a friend like David. So maybe just consider that the next time you’re about to castigate him for what you see as either fellating or flagellating Elon. So there.
Sorry that you had all the fever and vomiting, Torch. Feel better soon.
And I hope some of that sweet membership money we pay to The Autopian to keep David from living amongst the poors (good for him that it hasn’t gone to his head and he still tends to you when you need a little tending to) went to travel health insurance for you. Even if, as it seems, the insurance company just arranges a quickie Canadian residence permit so the taxpayers of Québec have to pick up the tab.
Feel better soon Torch!
Did I miss it, or did no one so far explain the strange green sign?
It’s the meeting point in case of an emergency situation. Lets say in some strange company producing slightly overrated sportscars a fire will occur. The employees of course have to leave the building and then have to meet at one of these points marked with this beautiful sign, so the superior or advised person can make sure, that everyone was able to safely leave the building.
Exactly. I’ve seen them for years in American workplace parking lots. Think they have them on the Warner Bros lot in Burbank.
Jason, the past few months have been hell on your health. Have you tried, like, just not getting sick?
That is indeed the facelift Sierra, which kinda ruined the OG Sierra’s good looks, especially the Ghia version with the wide headlights.
That said, dude, get well soon.
Stay safe, get well, have shabbat at home, and keep writing. You are the reason I fork over actual $$$’s for the Autopian.
Must. Get. Well.
Only west and welaxation for you, because when health is on the line, nothing else really matters. Redeye flights to Europe do a number on your immune system, what with the lack of sleep and such. Get well soon dude.
There were Mk1 Sierras in the US, under the Merkur brand.
And the Merkur Scorpio had pretty much the design of the Sierra in the picture. Just a tad bigger, like the Ford Scorpio it was.
“I’m in a sweat-soaked bed in a Montreal hotel room”
Congratulations, every grown man eventually deserves their Leonard Cohen moment.
Don’t worry, when the meds wear off you will come around and see David for the monster he really is.
Your body is telling you to slow down mate. So do just that and get well properly. We cannot abide not having your wonderfully 13.753 degree viewpoint of the automotive landscape and taillights. Yah hear now – old man yelling at you from his sofa.
Torch, get back to NC soon, then get back behind the wheel!
Hope you’re feeling better soon, Torch!
The most interesting cars I saw in Stuttgart while there last year were all in the Porsche Museum parking garage. Car porn at its peak. My German wife warned me tha Stuttgart is very much an industrial city and not very pretty. She was right.
Yeah I’m always in Stuttgart when we’re in Germany. It’s not pretty, though the zoo is quite nice. That’s just what happens when a city is bombed into oblivion and then rebuilt quickly in the 50s and 60s. If you keep your eyes open, you can find the oddball historical building that survived WWII. It sometimes will have a plaque with a picture of it taken after the bombings. They’re usually standing completely alone surrounded by absolute destruction.
It would have been interesting to see these cities in the 1920s before the Nazis came to power.
As a local I quickly dug up some article with then-now comparison photos. Enjoy!
https://www.stuttgarter-nachrichten.de/gallery.stadtansichten-oh-wie-schoen-war-stuttgart.ff764bfc-dc63-4e76-92af-6bde3d4c6928.html/id/7022c92d-30b0-46e8-b445-c05ec1ba630e
Sorry to hear you’re not feeling well, Torch. Take good care of yourself and get better soon! Just advocating for Otto et al.
Oh, great pics too!
Good luck with your recuperation!! Hope it’s a speedy and efficacious one!!
And that’s great about David coming in clutch like that and how his diesel manual Chrysler minivan served as a *krankenwagen* (literally “sick person’s car” in German; no, that doesn’t mean it was David who was the sick person despite what some people might say, ha.)
Gah, missed the window for editing but better late than never, I suppose. So just now adding for those not familiar with Germany, *krankenwagen* is what they sometimes call ambulances in Germany. Yeah, sometimes the German language can be pretty literal (like what they sometimes call birth control pills, for instance.)
Hope you feel better, maybe your body was so repulsed by the ketchup mayo fiasco it’s just doing a giant gag reflex to get you back home.
The Smart roadster is cool, but it’d probably be flagged as a Kei car and burned at the stake or something, as a certain New England state is prone to do.
There is so much to say about this. First thing is GET BETTER SOON!! We’re all pulling for you and want you to be done with hospitals just as badly as you want to be done with them. Honestly, if it hadn’t been for the last 2 paragraphs, I would have put money that DT’s van was somehow involved in you getting your “infection.” But, it seems that you didn’t get to ride in the van until after falling ill, so there goes that theory.
It’s awesome that even though you weren’t feeling well you still documented so much about the cars you saw. That kind of fanaticism is what makes this such an awesome place to nerd out. When I read that the traffic signs all use the first-gen VW Golf, I said “uh-uh, that’s a VW Rabbit!” I consulted Dr. Google, who quickly vindicated us both. Today I learned that the Rabbit just the US market Golf. The more you know…⭐
Get well Torch,
Hope you don’t need to go to an emergency meeting point (the green signs with the arrows). It’s used so that in case of an emergency everyone goes there so that you can do a head count and you know that everyone is out.
Feel better soon, Torch!
That mouth pain has me a bit nervous. That can often be ‘referred pain’ which sometimes means something else is seriously f’d up somewhere else and that the nerves aren’t sending the signals right so the brain is like ‘the mouth/throat I guess? idk!’
Wishing you a speedy and thorough recovery this time!
That Roomster looks like a product of the Exquisite Corpse School of car design.
Hope you’re feeling better.
Praying for you Jason! So sorry you’re having to go through all this!
Dang, Torch, hope you heal up soon!
Rest, and get well soon!
I was amazed at how many Smarts and Ligier microcars park perpendicularly in Italy. Thankfully that’s not allowed in the US, given how many full sized vehicles park in compact only spots.
Agree with many other posters here. Stay home Torch, fully recover.