Good morning! On today’s Shitbox Showdown, we’re going to be looking at two cars that have had some bovine-inspired decorations added. Are they all hat and no cattle? Will one of them moooove you to vote for it? Will I be making lots of cow puns? You’ll find out in a minute.
First, let’s see how yesterday’s results turned out. Once again, the J-car got slaughtered, it seems. It’s all right; Mercedes wagons are popular. I get that. But personally, I’d go for the one I know I could fix, and that isn’t a 29-year-old Benz. I mean, I could fix it, I’m sure, but knowing how much work goes into replacing the wiring harness on a simple car like an MGB, there’s no way I’m tackling that beast. I’ll take the Smurf-toned Chevy.
It’s funny how things that are an absolute red flag for some are no big deal to others. That biodegradable wiring insulation scares the hell out of me, but the intake manifold gaskets on GM V6s that so many people shy away from don’t sound like a big deal to me. Maybe it’s because they’re easier to get to. It takes all kinds, I guess.
Today’s cars may not seem like an equal match either, but who says they have to be? The very idea is complete bull. It’s udderly ridiculous to take this little bit of entertainment so seriously. I just choose the cars that stand out from the herd, and if you’ve got some beef with that, tough, I guess. But I’d better stop milking the puns and just show you the cars, before they put me out to pasture.
1989 Lincoln Mark VII – $3,500
Engine/drivetrain: 5.0 liter overhead valve V8, four-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Farmers Branch, TX
Odometer reading: 248,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives, but needs a little work
I’ve never understood why some people put cow horns in the front of their cars. And as far as I can tell, no one else does either. I can’t find any definitive origin of the practice, only that it dates back to horse-and-buggy days. What I do know is that horns on the front of a car, especially a Cadillac or a Lincoln, is shorthand for “Texas.” It’s a perfect decoration, then, for this Texas-based entrant in the Hot Rod Power Tour from a few years ago.
The seller calls this Lincoln Mark VII “The Gentlemen’s Mustang,” and that’s not far off. It’s based on the same Fox platform as the contemporary Mustang, and is powered by the same high-output version of Ford’s 5.0 liter V8. But where the Fox-body Mustang is all about cheap speed, the Lincoln is designed to provide comfort and class along with the V8 power. Unlike Lincolns of the 1970s, which offered a whole slew of special editions, by 1989 the Mark VII was down to just two trim levels: the luxury Bill Blass Edition, and the sportier LSC. I don’t know which this is, but I don’t see LSC badges on this one, so it’s probably a Bill Blass.
This Mark VII has a lot of miles on it, but the seller says it runs well. It would have to, to finish a multi-state tour with an emphasis on driving fast and showing off. It has upgraded brakes, but it sounds like they need work; the parts are included. The front end has been rebuilt, so this car won’t – ahem – “steer” you wrong. The seller says the thermostat is currently stuck, presumably open, but they’re planning to replace it before the sale.
Outside, it wears a flashy paint job designed to draw attention on the Power Tour; I kinda like it, but your mileage may vary. Inside, it’s stock, and in nice condition, which is good, because the interior is the best part of these cars.
1999 Plymouth Neon Expresso – $2,600
Engine/drivetrain: 2.0 liter dual overhead cam inline 4, three-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Glendale, AZ
Odometer reading: 134,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives great
Here we have a car that’s disappearing far too quickly from the roads: the first-generation Neon. This is a Plymouth model, in Expresso trim, with a twin-cam 2.0 liter four-cylinder engine making 150 horsepower. It doesn’t sound like much now, but it was a lot for a compact car when the Neon was introduced. This one is unfortunately equipped with the optional three-speed Torqueflite automatic transmission instead of the slick-shifting five-speed manual. A Neon with an automatic is still quick – I had one for a while – but it’s not nearly as much fun.
Small car interiors in the ’90s often had fun, playful fabric, and the Neon Expresso is no exception. That wasn’t exciting enough for the owner of this car – they added in this black-and white cow-print material. But this photo doesn’t tell the whole story. When you’re ready, take a look at the photo below.
Yep. The steering wheel cover and door cards were just the beginning. They did the entire headliner as well. I don’t understand it, but I’m not sure I hate it either. It brightens up the interior considerably; I’ll give it that. This photo also reminds me of a peculiarity about the first-generation Neons: On four-door models, only the front windows are power-operated. To roll down the rear windows, you need to crank them down manually.
Aside from the Holstein-inspired interior treatment, this is a clean little Neon, with low mileage. It runs great, everything works, and it looks good inside and out. I still don’t like red cars, especially Neons (mine was red, and it got rear-ended), but I guess clean and red is better than beat-up and some other color.
OK, so both of these are kind of silly. But there is a bit of a connection, if you think about it. One of them is garish on the outside and normal inside, while the other is nondescript from the curb but flies its freak flag inside. Extroverts versus introverts, you could say. Which side are you on?
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
Yes, yes, I see now that the Lincoln is indeed an LSC. I couldn’t see the steering wheel badge on my laptop. I apologize. I’d go back and edit if I could, but I have not been granted that power.
For the crime of not recognizing the difference between a Bill Blass and an LSC you must drape yourself in burgundy velour and repeat the Lincoln advertising slogan “What a Luxury Car Should Be” while clutching a Lincoln hood ornament. Preferably while standing in front of the Lincoln Memorial.
all while rolling a booger with your fingers as they film your TV commercial. Allright, allright, allright
Hmm, I loooove the cow print treatment in the Neon, but it’s a Neon, and, no.
The Mk VII is one of my favorite Lincolns, and if it were in better nick, I’d be all over it, horns or no horns.
So I’ll just write in a newer Lincoln Mk VII with cow print interior.
After seeing the external mods on the Lincoln I was going to pick the Neon, but after seeing the internal mods on the Neon those cancel each other out so I’m going for the 302 V8 and RWD Lincoln.
Everyone talking about the neon’s engine problems have only convinced me it’s time for Project Speed Cow, wherein I graft the drivetrain of a Fiesta ST onto there.
the Lincoln is tacky and the rear looks like the suspension is starting to fail. The Neon’s headliner is an interesting cheerful touch, but it’s a Neon. I made the mistake of buying a new one in 1998, a bright blue highline sedan with the twin cam, assuming all of the bugs had been worked out. Was I ever wrong. Worst car ever. All of the paint peeled off within the first year and Chrysler had to repaint it. The frameless door windows would suck outwards on the highway, whistle, and leak. It grenaded two automatic transmissions, and the engine was starting to need a quart of oil every thousand miles. The door handles were fragile and liked to break off in your hands to boot.
This was all within 34k miles. I unloaded the POS right before the 36k warranty expired. Was sad really, as the Neon was fun to flog around when it worked and had very comfy seats and good space utilization for its size.
Decided to give Chrysler another chance and bought a new 2010 Ram. The most recalled vehicle I ever had. The drivetrain help up but all of the body hardware, plastic parts, and interior died around 55k miles in. Never going to buy another Chrysler product in this lifetime again!
I saw that Lincoln a couple of times on the HR Power Tour. Seemed to run good and visually appealing.
My sister bought a few years old gen 1 Neon. 2 head gaskets and a transmission in a few years. Had to finish paying it off, then sold for scrap.
Just about every one of these Lincolns I’ve ever seen running around had blown air suspension. I’m sure the quality of Michigan roads didn’t help.
I’ll keep on walking.
shame the neon is an automatic. the first-gen neon with the 5-speed was a surprisingly fun car to drive.