It happened. The Pontiac Aztek — arguably the most hideous automobile ever produced — is mine. And the one I snagged isn’t just any Aztek, it is the ugliest of the ugly: it’s beige. Here’s how I managed to snag this machine from the jaws of defeat. Here’s how I won a bidding war for arguably the ugliest car of all time.
Back in April I promised that If 200 people became Autopian members that month I would purchase a Pontiac Aztek, daily drive it for a month, and live in it for a week. To do that I’d actually have to buy an Aztek, but soon after announcing this membership campaign all the good Azteks in my area seemed to dry up. This meant that, when one came up on Cars & Bids, I felt an immense amount of pressure to get it.
Actually, The Autopian’s Publisher Matt Hardigree did a great job putting together the play-by-play of what happened, so I’m just going to quote his Member Email (which you get if you’re a member here at this fine automotive publication — join here!).
The below is a play-by-play from Matt’s email:
Matt’s Email To Members:
6/6/2024
I honestly can’t remember if someone told me to look at Cars & Bids or I just saw it as I was browsing the site, but I make the first mention of it I can find (apologies if someone told me):
I suggest to David/Jason that we bid on it.
6/08/24
Buzz, in the Discord, notices as well:
$rrrr
David, Jason, and I discussed the merits of the car. At length. Since the car was in Arizona, we decided a budget of $3,500 would be appropriate as we could probably get it back to California after fees/travel/et cetera for less than $4,000.
The Day Of
David even texted everyone to make sure it was ok:
We nervously watched it all weekend. David can spend upwards of $30k on an old i3, but spending $3k of company money on an Aztek gave him pause. [DT Note: I’m always careful spending company money. My own money? I’m also careful, but I have no defenses against Galvanic Gold i3s. -DT].
With the prices hovering around $2,300 going into the morning we made a plan: David would set up a name that wasn’t obviously him, do a test bid of $100 more than whatever was there with an hour to go, and then we’d be ready to bid another $100 with 20 seconds left. As we got closer the price went up:
With about an hour to go we made the test bid:
Yes, this is the name David chose so as not to give it away.
It took about three minutes for someone to figure it out.
At this point, we were busily watching it in Slack, on the site, on the Discord, and in text messages.
And:
We were all nervous. And then it happened:
NOOOO!!!!!
And:
Then it started happening super fast:
In the Slack room:
And in the Discord:
But we were ready:
And then it happened:
Part of being a success is sticking to your guns. Another part is being flexible enough to know when to bend a little:
Well, fun for us.
Less fun for the Discord maybe.
Mwhahahaha
People seem to think it was a great deal and we agree.
Thank you all for being a part of this journey. We are all excited to take delivery of the Aztek and will write about it every step of the way. We even have a special plan for where/how David is going to sleep in it.
Ok, not all of us are excited:
Lol. Adrian did find a great black one, but…
Anyone know where we can find some cladding?
Ok, Back To Me, Dravid Tacy
Thanks, Matt for writing half of my article for me!
But whew, that was a nerve-wracking! How high would we have gone? Would we have stopped at $4000? I’m not sure I have that willpower. It’s possible I was headed toward the most foolish purchase of all time. Luckily, FruitBoots3000 has some sort of internal restraint that I don’t, and they showed mercy. The Aztek was mine for $3,604. Honestly, not a bad deal.
Did I ever think I’d end up in a bidding war over a Pontiac Aztek? Much less a beige one? No, no I didn’t. Anyway, I notified The Autopian’s accountant; here was our short exchange:
Accountant: This is quite the RIDE, David! I must say!
Me: Possibly the ugliest car of all time!
Accountant: You’re not wrong!
Hopefully, our accountant doesn’t refuse to pay this, or I’ll have to dip into my own pockets for this Aztek. [Reaches into pocket, pulls it inside-out…Gulp.] Anyway, enough talking, let’s show some photos of this incredible machine:
As you can see, it’s got some rust from having spent time in Nebraska, Montana, and Minnesota. Also, this isn’t a very highly optioned Aztek. It doesn’t have all-wheel drive, it doesn’t have a head-up display, and it doesn’t have a rear air compressor. I’m hoping to find an air compressor at a junkyard so I can retrofit it to inflate an air mattress, as I will be sleeping in this Aztek. After all, I did manage to snag a nice example of the fabled Aztek Tent.
You all came through for us by becoming members, now it’s time for me to uphold my end of the deal. It’s Aztek time!
IT FINALLY HAPPENED!
Point of order, though: That is in no way the ugliest car in the world when the present-day BMW M3 exists.
I’d say it was the Cybertruck of its time.
Less baggage, though. When you see a Cybertruck, you assume it’s a weirdo (derogatory). When you see an Aztek, the owner is definitely a weirdo (amusing).
The Cybertruck of its time was 100% the Hummer H2. There was an entire site called “FU H2” which cataloged pictures of people flipping off the H2 – whether driven or parked.
You don’t really see the H2 very much anymore, and the last one I saw was incredibly rusty.
I was referring to the angular body shape that’s too, I don’t know, futuristic(?) for its time. I’m sure the Hummer inspired more extreme reactions from people, like the Cybertruck does. Both the Hummer and Cybertruck seem like “statements”, where the Aztek was less so, if I remember correctly.
Ahhhh, that makes sense.
Gosh, the Aztek was such a friendlier statement, though. People who wanted all function for tailgating and such, and didn’t give a crap about form. (Also, cool tent! Cool tent cool tent cool tent!)
I tend to see a lot of H2s, chrome still shiny and everything
Ha, I see them from time to time here and they will forever be the Official Car of the Bad Times.
There was a vintage shop when I lived in Waco that even made some headlines for banning Hummers from its gravel parking lot. Some people hated those things, although it never quite got up to Cybertruck levels. (My loathing of it really had to age, though. Like a fine wine, only it’s just bad vibes from the recession era and the fact that the Hummers were the most gaudy, emblematic piles from back then.)
I feel like Hummer EV owners breathed a huge sigh of relief when the Cybertruck finally got released. All the heat they were taking for having the stupidest vehicle on the road shifted to an even dumber one.
I’ve seen then more frequently recently. I don’t know if they got old enough now where the owners of non-clapped out ones think it is time to show off a “classic” or what, but they are around and they are usually in good shape. .
I’ve noticed the same thing, and some of them a little chromed up too. With some cars I might say it’s an effect of having thought about it recently making it more likely you do notice when one’s around, but that seems to apply more to more subtle vehicles than an H2.
The Cybertruck looks like the unholy offspring of a Delorean and an Aztek.
Also the 4-series, the GT cars, the iX, the… You know what, let’s just shorten it to “the rest of BMW’s lineup except the Z4 and M2” and save time and server memory.
Also Subaru’s entire lineup, maybe except the brz (but doubly so for the… SoTerrible I mean SolTerra).
Also a lot of the newest Toyota/Lexus models, except the Prius, RC, LC, Camry, crown Signia, and maybe a couple of others.
Also gm’s trucks and truck-based SUVs. And their crossovers. And their cars.
Hmmm…
BMW has fallen so hard when it comes to design that it’s unreal.
These sorts of shenanigans truly make me happy to be part of this community.
that is the Fisher-Priciest thing I have ever seen. Are those AC controls made for flippers?
No. Just the bean counters.
They can be used with gloves, IIRC, which does put them one up on the modern implementation of touchscreen or physical push-buttons to adjust climate settings.
Truly an interior that befits the exterior
Sorry but your Aztek have a most interesting design (like multipla) to be consider so ugly
For me, the real ugliest car is probably the Daewoo Rezzo “designed” by pininfarina, ugly on pic, terribly worst IRL, an incredible pile of shit (and dramatically well sold here in France because cheap)
https://betterparts.org/daewoo/daewoo-rezzo.html
I’d be curious to see them side-by-side. The Aztek has some choices that also make it look REALLY cheap in a way the Rezzo doesn’t appear to – mostly in surfacing, the flat part on the side never looks right – but I’ve never actually seen the Rezzo outside of pictures so it might actually do some similar stuff in ways that don’t come across in a picture.
Yes, but I think cheap choices does not necessarily mean bad design if it is assumed (but I admit I never saw Aztek IRL)
The Rezzo is a bingo of all the 2000’s gimiks design and believe me, it sucks
Never seen a Rezzo in person but it looks like they applied minivan styling to a hatchback.
Was that press release written by AI or translated from the Korean by a Chinese version of Google Translator?
The ugliest car of all time is the Daimler SP250 just sayin’
Speaking as someone who finds the SP250 to be interesting, charming, and desirable I must respectfully disagree. A 2.5L V8 at the very least should be interesting to many Autopians. (Signed, someone who would probably start a Daimler collection with a winning Powerball ticket.)
I have no doubt it’s fun.
But hoo boy it’s ugly.
It is rather unfortunate looking.
To me the ugliest has to be the SSR
The Jellybean Truck is indeed awkward, and the fake-metal trim pieces in the interior are remarkably dumb for a convertible, but I wouldn’t go quite so far as to say it’s “ugly” exactly. “Concept that shouldn’t have made production” is more apt.
either you want a convert. pickup or you don’t
1st Gen Ssanyong Rodius, hands down
Now that’s a compelling case. Haven’t seen a Rodius in person, but there are some impressive visual crimes happening there.
Poppycock. The SP250 isn’t even ugly. The BMW iX is far uglier.
But without the Rugged Black Plastic Trim™ is it really an Aztek?
One more purchase required:
(4) Marketplace – Rare 2000~01 Pontiac Aztek Tent | Facebook
He got one already!
This is truly incredible. After DT is done living in this heap I want Adrian to road trip it from Chicago to LA and give his unvarnished opinion.
Adrian never goes anywhere without his varnish.
I guess this will become the company vehicle in LA. All visiting writers will have to drive it now LOL
Champagne Beige Metallic is a kind of beige, I guess.
But wait just one minute…Look again everyone!!!
This Aztek unit has the only textured-black chunky-gripped “Oh Shit Handle” (OSH) vertically and medially mounted on the dash adjacent to the stereo complex equally accessible to both front-seated persons in the history of automotiveness.
That there is a piece of engineering rarity folks.
I was gonna say that’s hella rusty for an Arizona car.
David needed a little Midwest/rust belt reminder he got rid of to many rust buckets since moving to Cali he was feeling a little homesick.
I, for one, think it is adorable that they asked PlayMobil to design the interior buttons.
I’d forgotten what GM interiors used to look like (or maybe they still do, haven’t rented one in some time).
I seem to remember Car and Driver regularly referring to them as “Rubbermaid”.
Aztec Emporer: Welcome Traveler! Where are you from?
Me: I am from the future. I bring good tidings. We have named a chariot after you!
Aztec Emporer: What a great honor! It must indeed be a mighty chariot.
Me: Well, it does have a cooler and a tent.
Aztec Emporer: Please, show me a pictogram!
Me: I don’t think we should…
Aztec Emporer: I must see this glorious chariot!
Me: If you insist (shows the pictures)
Aztec Emporer: (awkward pause) Why is it beige?
Me: Could you wish David Tracy luck? He’s going to sleep in it for a week.
Aztec Emporer: Um…
Me: It would mean a lot to him.
Aztec Emporer: Wait… are we not around anymore in your time?
Me: No. If someone rolls up in a boat from Spain… You know, I’ve already said too much. Really it was nice meeting you. Good luck to you.
Aztec Emporer: And I guess good luck to David.
Wow, that looks remarkably good for a car that’s over 20 years old. Great find!
For the week that David lives in it, The Autopian banner on the site should be rebranded with the Aztek font (or just the A). I especially like the floating A on the doors, like everyone is supposed to look at single letter, and know exactly what they are looking at. The bravado(not Oldsmobile) that GM has when releasing new products, knows no bounds.
The Offspring keychain is perfect for this car. Ask the seller if they will include it.
That’s a Grateful Dead keychain.
That’s what I get for looking at tiny pictures on my phone and not zooming in.
I do not envy you DT. What a HIDEOUS example of corporate groupthink. I mean, how could you make an early 2000’s GM minivan even more disgusting? Missing out on the cladding, which I’m sure would have made a rhythmic sound over every road divot is upsetting, to be sure, but…the four nostrils…the angular with the circular design choices…the disgusting upholstery…I mean, which one would you prefer…this or the Jeep FC with generations of rodents? Still thinking the Jeep FC…
The FC.
Nailed it!
I like the pontiac logo as the lock guide for the cooler..i see you, GM.
Recommended subheader for the week of camping: beige cars you’ve been sleeping in.
Please don’t eat any chow mein in this one. Or do. I’d be happy to add an Aztec to the “used up former Autopian staff car” HooptieX fleet.
Aztek chow mein doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as shower spaghetti.
It’d have to be Aztek frites.
I’m with Adrian…why not a first year with the horrendous cladding!? That’s what really turned up the ugly to 11.
That said, I love the seating fabrics. Pontiac was big into this at the time (the Sunfire was usually a recipient).
I look forward to the many adventures of the Autopian Aztek
YES! It’s finally here! #AztekLyfe
I initially wanted you to get one of the rad colors the Aztek was available in, but I can’t lie, the beige of this one really sells the design in the so bad it’s actually still bad sort of way. It’s great.
Also, pretty solid price given the condition is pretty good. There aren’t too many Azteks around here that look this nice (lol).
Aztekkin’ across the universe
Boldly going camping ’cause we needed more memberves.
[I know, I know, but I had to make it rhyme ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ ]
So it begins….