It happened. The Pontiac Aztek — arguably the most hideous automobile ever produced — is mine. And the one I snagged isn’t just any Aztek, it is the ugliest of the ugly: it’s beige. Here’s how I managed to snag this machine from the jaws of defeat. Here’s how I won a bidding war for arguably the ugliest car of all time.
Back in April I promised that If 200 people became Autopian members that month I would purchase a Pontiac Aztek, daily drive it for a month, and live in it for a week. To do that I’d actually have to buy an Aztek, but soon after announcing this membership campaign all the good Azteks in my area seemed to dry up. This meant that, when one came up on Cars & Bids, I felt an immense amount of pressure to get it.
Actually, The Autopian’s Publisher Matt Hardigree did a great job putting together the play-by-play of what happened, so I’m just going to quote his Member Email (which you get if you’re a member here at this fine automotive publication — join here!).
The below is a play-by-play from Matt’s email:
Matt’s Email To Members:
6/6/2024
I honestly can’t remember if someone told me to look at Cars & Bids or I just saw it as I was browsing the site, but I make the first mention of it I can find (apologies if someone told me):
I suggest to David/Jason that we bid on it.
6/08/24
Buzz, in the Discord, notices as well:
$rrrr
David, Jason, and I discussed the merits of the car. At length. Since the car was in Arizona, we decided a budget of $3,500 would be appropriate as we could probably get it back to California after fees/travel/et cetera for less than $4,000.
The Day Of
David even texted everyone to make sure it was ok:
We nervously watched it all weekend. David can spend upwards of $30k on an old i3, but spending $3k of company money on an Aztek gave him pause. [DT Note: I’m always careful spending company money. My own money? I’m also careful, but I have no defenses against Galvanic Gold i3s. -DT].
With the prices hovering around $2,300 going into the morning we made a plan: David would set up a name that wasn’t obviously him, do a test bid of $100 more than whatever was there with an hour to go, and then we’d be ready to bid another $100 with 20 seconds left. As we got closer the price went up:
With about an hour to go we made the test bid:
Yes, this is the name David chose so as not to give it away.
It took about three minutes for someone to figure it out.
At this point, we were busily watching it in Slack, on the site, on the Discord, and in text messages.
And:
We were all nervous. And then it happened:
NOOOO!!!!!
And:
Then it started happening super fast:
In the Slack room:
And in the Discord:
But we were ready:
And then it happened:
Part of being a success is sticking to your guns. Another part is being flexible enough to know when to bend a little:
Well, fun for us.
Less fun for the Discord maybe.
Mwhahahaha
People seem to think it was a great deal and we agree.
Thank you all for being a part of this journey. We are all excited to take delivery of the Aztek and will write about it every step of the way. We even have a special plan for where/how David is going to sleep in it.
Ok, not all of us are excited:
Lol. Adrian did find a great black one, but…
Anyone know where we can find some cladding?
Ok, Back To Me, Dravid Tacy
Thanks, Matt for writing half of my article for me!
But whew, that was a nerve-wracking! How high would we have gone? Would we have stopped at $4000? I’m not sure I have that willpower. It’s possible I was headed toward the most foolish purchase of all time. Luckily, FruitBoots3000 has some sort of internal restraint that I don’t, and they showed mercy. The Aztek was mine for $3,604. Honestly, not a bad deal.
Did I ever think I’d end up in a bidding war over a Pontiac Aztek? Much less a beige one? No, no I didn’t. Anyway, I notified The Autopian’s accountant; here was our short exchange:
Accountant: This is quite the RIDE, David! I must say!
Me: Possibly the ugliest car of all time!
Accountant: You’re not wrong!
Hopefully, our accountant doesn’t refuse to pay this, or I’ll have to dip into my own pockets for this Aztek. [Reaches into pocket, pulls it inside-out…Gulp.] Anyway, enough talking, let’s show some photos of this incredible machine:
As you can see, it’s got some rust from having spent time in Nebraska, Montana, and Minnesota. Also, this isn’t a very highly optioned Aztek. It doesn’t have all-wheel drive, it doesn’t have a head-up display, and it doesn’t have a rear air compressor. I’m hoping to find an air compressor at a junkyard so I can retrofit it to inflate an air mattress, as I will be sleeping in this Aztek. After all, I did manage to snag a nice example of the fabled Aztek Tent.
You all came through for us by becoming members, now it’s time for me to uphold my end of the deal. It’s Aztek time!
Yay! Finally, we get to see DT live in an Aztek! It even has rust! Yay!
Looking forward to the hilarious stories/adventures
It’s ugly as usual, especially Beige…like Adrian said it’s missing the horrible cladding…needs that
That dash is wretched especially the center console ha ha
I didn’t know until just now that the interior is a greater crime against humanity than the exterior.
Perhaps, but the vents do have a neat movement to them, IIRC. They either can spin in place – especially with a little airflow from the HVAC – which is hilarious, or they iris closed/open, I don’t remember which.
The exterior is hideous, but the interior is… not terrible. A bit weird, very GM, but not awful.
The Aztek has no clue to what its future has in store for it. Something Top Gearish is certain to happen. Maybe in an ironic twist, it will be dropped from a crane onto a piano.
Add some HD corrugated PVC roof panels in beige, instant cladding, roofing screws, construction adhesive all done.
Bare spray foam, cut to shape with a rusty saw blade.
Just spray it on in parallelish lines. It should expand into a sorta corrugated pattern. Splash on some beige latex and go for a beer.
We could design fiery body kits using this technikque.
I’m holding Matt and by extension you, David, to a Discord agreement on an Autopian Meet-up whenever you go to pick the vehicle up in AZ. Just hoping it doesn’t conflict with my own professional or personal commitments.
Please tell me it came with the Grateful Dead keychain.
And American Beauty on cassette
Let us re-hash Adrian’s great analysis to remember the epic Camaro-on-S10 vehicle we could have had!
https://www.theautopian.com/the-pontiac-aztek-was-not-a-design-tragedy-it-was-a-corporate-tragedy/
I was so invested in this auction. I spent the last few minutes on Discord cursing the boots of fruits instead of being productive at work. 10/10 experience, would do again.
That fabric pattern on the seats is absolutely ghastly. It must have looked dated when it was new. It’s like an artist’s rendition of pure ugliness.
I was scrolling through the photos with amusement until I saw the seats and remembered that Pontiac had some awful seat patterns in the early 2000s. I’ve owned a few early 2000s Pontiacs, but luckily none had this ugly of a pattern. My cars did have those HVAC controls, and despite looking a tad ridiculous, they were easy to operate by feel even with gloves on.
It’s the beige that’s really the issue. They looked fine with the charcoal grey. Very of the era, but not ugly.
$3604 bucks of pure Zubaz energy. Nice.
I just had to come back and nominate ZubAz-tek for her name.
The reason you paid more for this AZTEk is because it is the same as the iconic beige Aztek seen in Breaking Bad.
The one in Breaking Bad is allegedly a very faded Fern Green.
I just checked the local Craigslist, and there’s a green 2001 Aztek for sale for $1,600
https://eugene.craigslist.org/pts/d/springfield-2001-aztek/7744990098.html
and someone else is selling a tent for $150!
https://seattle.craigslist.org/tac/pts/d/sumner-aztek-tent/7752440055.html
For a small investment on my part, I could live the dream too!
(It is a dream, right?)
Dream, nightmare, doesn’t matter. At least you’re sleeping.
Oh man, I love that green. I’m with Adrian on this: the beige is bad.
I’m just happy that Aztek Life is happening. I’m so supportive of anyone out there living the Aztek Dream. Do it.
“2001 Pontiac Aztec. The most beautiful car ever made. Runs great. Needs a new thermostat. 169,225mi.”
Now that’s what every salesman should be
I’m confused. The title says you bought the ugliest car of all time, but you keep referencing Azteks and not SC430s.
Agreed. There are other vehicles I find uglier (or as ugly) as an Aztek.
The Buick Rendezvous, made on the same platform as the Aztek, springs to mind and forces me to drink until it looks good.
Pontiac: “Let’s make a utility vehicle for young people!”
Buick: “Only if we can make the same car for old people.”
You read my mind! The Aztek got all the hate…. but the Rendezvous always looked worse!
Cladding is better than excessive chrome and different cladding.
Imho the ugliest car of all time is the 2000+ Monte Carlo. I hate them.
Yeah it’s pretty bad too, but I also have trouble explaining why the Monte was ugly.
I could go into detail but I’d just get mad and life is short
I read the lede, saw the top shot, and my brain still went “Why did David buy a Model Y?!”
Agreed, it’s time that we as a society admit the truth that people want to ignore:
Roadster, Model S, Model 3, and Semi have been the only not-ugly Teslas.
Model Y and Model X have been ugly as shit from day one
Model X has been ugly AND garbage since day one due to all of the unnecessary shit they did to it.
Yeah, and I’ll even only give credit to early Model S, as the grill-free refresh made the front end all awkward looking – which carried into the X and Y.
The only other car that I can think of that gives the Model Y a good run is the Hyundai Kona. I hate looking at the Kona as much as the Y, mostly because while the proportions aren’t as bad as the Y, the rest looks like it was designed by committees who never knew what the other committees were doing.
How on earth can you even tell the difference among them all?
Model 3 reminds me too much of the Dodge Neon. Perhaps after going through a sandstorm?
I’ll allow you to be this wrong about the SC430 exactly once, then it’s straight to Principal Clarke’s office.
SC430s are not even in the top 25% of ugly. It’s actually a damn good car, although the original wheels are a swing and a miss.
(Mine gets 24-25MPG on every tank, and that’s with a V8!)
Far, far, far too ichthyological for my taste. Perhaps Mrs. Puff would agree with you. I can see her driving one.
The Aztek would be even be the ugliest car with a double kidney grill sold in 2024.
Change those intake manifold gaskets ASAP, they go south on most 3100/3400 and even though unrelated the 3800s and Vortec V6/V8’s as well.
If you don’t, the motor will go very quickly.
Also check the headgaskets while you have it open, the 3400’s have that issue as well but it’s more hit/miss depending on year, mileage, etc..
Didn’t Mercedes Streeter have this happen to a 3800 of hers?
I like to imagine DT really embracing the whole 2000s GM lifestyle and not really fixing anything on it. Just carrying the necessary fluids in the trunk and topping up as needed while he serves his sentence.
haha great point
Maybe he should go even harder the other direction and just use the Aztek as a test bench for any miracles in a bottle.
Coolant leak? Throw in some Bar’s Stop Leak
Transmission shift flares or other isseus? Throw in some Lucas Transmission Fix
Power Steering pump screaming at you? Throw in some Lucas Power Steering Stop-Leak
Seafoam everything…..etc.. etc…
I feel like a moron…I just got the top shot LOL
True confessions: My parents had one of these when I was growing up. They bought it new on a huge discount. It was reliable, spacious, comfortable, and fucking ugly. They got rid of it due to rot at the 13 year mark. 2001-2014. I drove it when new, when it had 50k miles and when it had 150k miles. Drove just fine the whole time. A CRV of the same vintage was a chincy pile, and they still are chincy piles. At this point Aztek’s are beyond their useful life and any opinion on anything but looks is just circle jerking click bait.
For example: The cooler. People love to hate it, but then the god damn table in the same vintage CRV is a fun easter egg? You have to remove everything from the cargo area just to get to it! I’ve never wanted or needed a flimsy table. A water tight container in the car? Fairly useful. It can be taken out and taken to the beach for a few beers. What’s so weird about that? Now, did my family use the cooler at the beach? No. But we require more than a few beers for the beach because we’re English, German, and Irish.
Ok obviously everyone hates the interior. But hey, it’s in great shape! Which Tracy needs now that he’s California-clean. This would’ve been too nice for Michigan Tracy.
I agree with Adrian, it is not as heinous with the cladding body color and thus is only sort of the ugliest car of all time.
However if you have that tent and the thing is not drinking coolant in through the intake gaskets, the 3.4 and 4 speed OD should be relatively trouble free and tentable.
The Dead keychain is pretty awesome. You’ll certainly not be the first to have lived in this thing for at least a week, David. Looks like it’s pretty well cleaned up, but be wary of any little tabs of paper you might find under a seat!
Nah, those blotters have been sucked dry of any Timothy Leary feelgood-stuff.
Well, probably, but you never know. People have been known to get a little “absent minded” when attending Dead shows.
I remember the shows at Alpine Valley in ’88, there were dozens of them spat out onto the inside wall of a porta-john.
That bulgy plasticky GM interior of that era is awful. Pontiacs were the worst offenders too. . .
Good lord I never realized how hideous each interior component is. From the upholstery to every knob to the steering wheel. It’s like it was designed by David Cronenberg.
But it’s held up amazingly well for a 21 year old car.
Could be because someone was afraid to actually drive/use it for fear of being seen. Hehe
Say what you want about the Aztek, but that is a pretty nice used car for $3600 in this market.
You speak with wisdom
OK, but I don’t want to be reading articles in about six months about how you’ve fallen in love with the Aztek and are looking for the Holy Grail to add to your fleet.
Didn’t DT already call his Aztek tent The Holy Grail (TM)?
Yes ha ha YES! </sickos.gif>
Folks are going to see a small collection (read: hoard) of i3s and azteks at Galpin and wonder who lost a bet.
Nope we all know those articles are coming. I’m gonna enjoy them too.
“It is so useful. Pontiac really thought of everything.”
How many miles are on this thing? Apologies if I missed that somewhere. I guess it doesn’t matter in the end, low mileage crap is still crap.
IT FINALLY HAPPENED!
Point of order, though: That is in no way the ugliest car in the world when the present-day BMW M3 exists.
I’d say it was the Cybertruck of its time.
Less baggage, though. When you see a Cybertruck, you assume it’s a weirdo (derogatory). When you see an Aztek, the owner is definitely a weirdo (amusing).
The Cybertruck of its time was 100% the Hummer H2. There was an entire site called “FU H2” which cataloged pictures of people flipping off the H2 – whether driven or parked.
You don’t really see the H2 very much anymore, and the last one I saw was incredibly rusty.
I was referring to the angular body shape that’s too, I don’t know, futuristic(?) for its time. I’m sure the Hummer inspired more extreme reactions from people, like the Cybertruck does. Both the Hummer and Cybertruck seem like “statements”, where the Aztek was less so, if I remember correctly.
Ahhhh, that makes sense.
Gosh, the Aztek was such a friendlier statement, though. People who wanted all function for tailgating and such, and didn’t give a crap about form. (Also, cool tent! Cool tent cool tent cool tent!)
I tend to see a lot of H2s, chrome still shiny and everything
Ha, I see them from time to time here and they will forever be the Official Car of the Bad Times.
There was a vintage shop when I lived in Waco that even made some headlines for banning Hummers from its gravel parking lot. Some people hated those things, although it never quite got up to Cybertruck levels. (My loathing of it really had to age, though. Like a fine wine, only it’s just bad vibes from the recession era and the fact that the Hummers were the most gaudy, emblematic piles from back then.)
I feel like Hummer EV owners breathed a huge sigh of relief when the Cybertruck finally got released. All the heat they were taking for having the stupidest vehicle on the road shifted to an even dumber one.
I’ve seen then more frequently recently. I don’t know if they got old enough now where the owners of non-clapped out ones think it is time to show off a “classic” or what, but they are around and they are usually in good shape. .
I’ve noticed the same thing, and some of them a little chromed up too. With some cars I might say it’s an effect of having thought about it recently making it more likely you do notice when one’s around, but that seems to apply more to more subtle vehicles than an H2.
The Cybertruck looks like the unholy offspring of a Delorean and an Aztek.
Also the 4-series, the GT cars, the iX, the… You know what, let’s just shorten it to “the rest of BMW’s lineup except the Z4 and M2” and save time and server memory.
Also Subaru’s entire lineup, maybe except the brz (but doubly so for the… SoTerrible I mean SolTerra).
Also a lot of the newest Toyota/Lexus models, except the Prius, RC, LC, Camry, crown Signia, and maybe a couple of others.
Also gm’s trucks and truck-based SUVs. And their crossovers. And their cars.
Hmmm…
BMW has fallen so hard when it comes to design that it’s unreal.