We’re all pretty sick of hearing about tariff stuff, right? Of course we are, it’s tedious and alarming, and it just seems to mean more expensive cars, at least in the near term. But we’re not here to just whine and complain about situations we can’t control. Our job is not to curse your darkness, but rather to turn on the headlights. And, with that in mind, I think we may have found a bit of light in the midst of all this darkness, and it involves the Pope and the Dodge Challenger Hellcat.
The Dodge Challenger Hellcat (and its bonkers sibling, the Demon), haven’t been built since 2023, and when they were, they were being built at the Brampton Assembly Plant in Ontario, Canada, which could make them subject to President Trump’s 25% tariffs on cars imported into the US (or at least parts of the car). You’ll see where I’m going with this.
These tariffs, of course, are causing all sorts of havoc and worry in the industry. Carmakers are going to have to figure out how to deal with all this. Stellantis already isn’t in fantastic shape, and the last thing they need is for their non-US-built cars – like the Hellcat was – to get a hell of a lot more expensive. But, if they’re smart, this could also be an opportunity.
Here’s the basic idea: there are a very small number of countries that have no tariffs on them at all, of any kind, and these locations can be used as perfect loopholes. One of these places is Vatican City.
Yes, the Vatican! That tiny city-state surrounded by Rome that happens to be the seat of the Catholic Church. It’s where the Pope lives and works, for example. Currently, the Vatican’s economy is based on one primary industry: religion, specifically the wildly successful Catholic faith.
It’s been a great gig for centuries, but it never hurts to diversify, at least a little bit. Sure, Catholicism is doing great, but why not have something to fall back on, in case there’s a lean year or an unpopular pope or a major cultural shift? Just in case!
So, what I’m suggesting is that Stellantis reaches out to the Vatican to make a deal to assemble tariff-exempt cars there. And that car should be the Challenger Hellcat. And maybe the Demon, too.
This can be such a win-win for everybody: the Vatican gets a whole new secondary car-assembly industry, Stellantis gets a chance to have a unique and desirable car for sale at a tariff-free price that’ll make it a steal compared to competitors like the Ford Mustang, which has 41% non-US-sourced parts and only ranks 31st on the most American-made car index, making it vulnerable to tariffs.
Here’s how they can do it: the Brampton Assembly Plant in Ontario, which is currently being re-tooled for other cars, would have the Challenger tooling re-installed (if it’s even out yet) and the production line modified from producing completed cars to producing completely-knocked-down (CKD) kits.
A CKD kit is basically all of the parts to build a car in a big box, with full assembly required. These have been used for decades to get cars assembled in all sorts of countries, with less setup and complexity than building a factory that can build cars from scratch. It’s ideal for setting up a car factory in the Vatican.
Cars built from CKD kits are considered to come from the country they’re assembled in, generally. This method has been used to avoid tariffs for decades, and while it’s possible the Trump Administration may decide to try to target CKD kits, I’m skeptical they will. I say this because it’s possible foreign carmakers may use CKD kits shipped to American assembly plants to avoid tariffs, which would create American jobs with a far lower barrier to entry than expecting companies to build full-scale car plants here. And that’s the whole point, right? To make more jobs in the US?
Okay, look, let’s just go with the notion that CKD kits are viable. So, Stellantis will make the Hellcat parts in Ontario, send them in a big box via bonded transport (the kind where no customs charges or duties are applied, at least not yet) to an independent subsidiary at the Vatican, where they will be assembled. The bonded transit might not even be necessary depending on how the parts get there, but better to be conservative when it comes to running goods via the Holy See.
Now, for the Vatican CKD assembly plant, I think it can be built with a minimum amount of disruption to the Vatican’s grounds and primary operations. I imagine it’ll take a Papal Bull to get this censer swinging, but I think Pope Francis will be down for this. After all, I know he has good taste in cars, as he rolled around in this sweet Renault 4 for a while:
Any Pope who rocks a classic Renault 4 has to be into cars, at least a little.
I think the main assembly plant can be built in the southwest corner of the Vatican, near where the railway station is. The location near the rail lines will allow freight trains hauling the CKD kits to roll right up to the factory, where they can unload the kits right into the main assembly area.
I suspect some parts could be locally-sourced; upholstery, for example, can likely be produced on-site. The assembly plant would only require the removal and/or relocation of two structures: Vatican Radio’s Marconi Transmission Center (smaller than the main Vatican Radio administration building) and what is listed on maps as “Shell Fountain.” A warehouse for storing CKD kits is set across the tracks from the assembly plant.
In addition to the assembly plant, a loop comprising of several roads (Via del Osservatorio, Via del Seminario Etiopico, and Rampa del Archeologico) serves as a test track and provides a path for finished cars to get from the plant to the inventory storage parking lot, built on the land that currently is the Vatican’s English Garden.
Finally, when not in use for other purposes, St.Peter’s Square can be re-purposed to be a test skidpad/donut evaluation zone:
In order to get the necessary Papal approval, we foresee one change Stellantis/Dodge may need to make to get the necessary Papal Bull: a name change.
“Hellcat” and “Demon” are likely non-starters for a car built in the Vatican, so we propose changing the name to the Dodge Challenger Heavencat and, if a Demon replacement is built, that one can become the Dodge Challenger Archangel.
These tariffs may prove to be exactly what Stellantis needs to turn their fortunes around. Having the first car ever to be built in the Vatican will definitely get some positive attention for the brand, and the lack of tariffs will make the Heavencat the most affordable V8 muscle car on the market!
I bet they could work out a program to have the Pope himself bless the cars as a factory option, and that should make these –the only mass-market car available with a papal blessing – very desirable to the over 53 million Catholics in America.
Also, this is an opportunity for the Pope to finally have a Popemobile that can run the quarter mile in under nine seconds! There’s no downside here!
Who has the Pope’s email? I want to get this ball rolling.
Just cut to the chase. It’s really simple.
Just have Vatican City annex the car plant! Done.
This kind of bullshit right here is exactly why I’m a member 🙂
Ditto.
“Heavencat” …I don’t even want one, but the prospect of owning/driving a car called “Heavencat” is mighty tempting…
Any relation to the Ora Funky Cat?
Start answering your phone with “heaven-o”
It’s ridiculous, and I am here for it! St. Peter’s Skidpad…lol
I’m not sure it’s gonna scale well. That test track is tiny. So are all the other elements. But the idea is good. Employment? You’ll need to build on the premises a commandery of the Military Order of the Blessed Fratzog, more generally known as the Knights Mopar. They’re the ones with the knowledge and the spiritual dedication needed to assemble the vehicles. Just don’t buy a car assembled between sext and nones or on the day after a major feast.
Whenever head gaskets fail during testing, that white smoke is really going to freak everyone out when they think that they have a new Pope, and not a blown head gasket.
I don’t know, white Hellcats seem more of a Protestant thing, what with Jesse Gemstone and all
Jason if this happens, be prepared to lose the Bishop to the new Vatican City car industry.
So, the property Brampton assembly sits on is over twice as big as an entire country, which might be a minor snag.
On the other hand, this pope is a man of the people, and the LX cars are wonderfully egalitarian, allowing all who qualify for subprime credit to be smiled upon by Our Blessed Lady of Acceleration.
So would changing the CKD kits into cars count as transubstantiation?
I believe the Vatican also does a booming business in stamps, so they should have this licked.
Archangel is an amazing name for a halo car.
It’s a hell of a name.
No, wait…
Brilliant idea. As an added bonus, you could use these locally produced Hellcats to announce the election of a new pope. During the voting process, a Hellcat with tires designed to emit black smoke would do a continuous burnout in St. Peter’s Square. When a new pope is elected, switch to a car with tires designed to emit white smoke.
The more I think about it, the topshot of this post shows exactly how a new pope should be introduced. The newly elected pope should hang out the sunroof of a Hellcat doing donuts in St. Peter’s Square. I’m pretty sure nothing in the Bible specifically prohibits hooning in sacred sites. A hoon pope might even boost church attendance among the youths.
Also, I think the papal blessing of new Hellcats should be a standard feature. With the way a lot of people drive those things, they (and the people around them) need all the help they can get.
“Drive like you want to meet Jesus. We’ll bless your car so you can skip the line at the Pearly Gates.”
White smoke is more of a blown head basket thing.
I don’t think we can handle another “merger of equals”.
Finally, Ministy’s album “Jesus Built My Hot Rod” comes true!
Perfection.
If they can get this done by Easter that’d be one heck of a resurrection.
Ultimate Hail Mary plan.
They could call it the St. Kowalski.
Or the St. Frances, the Patroness of drivers.
https://aleteia.org/2023/03/08/why-st-frances-of-rome-is-the-patron-saint-of-car-drivers
Strange, I thought St. Christopher was a patron saint (at least his cult is seen here in relation to drivers).
Silly me, just checked back: both are patron saints of drivers.
Okay, first we had nuclear reactors and mushrooms, and now we’ve got Catholicism and Hellcats & Demons. Oh, and let’s not forget Alanis puking her guts out.
What a week. I love this site.
Amen. The content here is so enjoyable, especially compared to the naked political bilge and the nasty commenters from other sites.
Ooo, get Greece as an interior supplier and finally make “Rich Corinthian Leather” mean something.
Why sell cars when you can sell salvation (indulgences)?
That got me thinking, the first time microtransations amounted to “pay to win”, we got the Protestant Reform out of it.. People weren’t faffing around back then.
If we ship the Hellcat CKD kit to England, would it return as a CJD kit?
Reminds me of “What would Jesus drive?” Weren’t the apostles all in one accord?
I believe God burned the desert in his Triumph.
He drove them out of the temple in his Fury.
Appropriate, with Palm Sunday, this weekend!
Now, if Jesus were to ride into Jerusalem today, what would he use other than a donkey? A Hilux?
Weren’t Adam and Eve driven out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury? That would mean Jesus was dealing with the temple folk in his dad’s car.
Many Christians interpret Revelation such that Jesus will come riding a white horse.
So obviously, a white Mustang, or a Charger.
Now I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals; and I heard one of the four living creatures saying with a voice like thunder, “Come and see.” And I looked, and behold, a white horse. He who sat on it had a bow; and a crown was given to him, and he went out conquering and to conquer.
It’s actually a white ’74 Pinto
I believe the doobie smoking Jesus drives an Astrovan if the hymn is to be believed
I had a coworker who was a graduate of a Christian college. She drove a Dodge Spirit.
Boom! Friday afternoon Torch mic drop. Have a nice weekend, kiddos.
IIRC, the Pope also owns a VW Beetle. Surprised you didn’t work that in with the Renault.
You’re doing the Lord’s work, Torchinsky!
Absolute genius!