I admit this is a very weird Autopian Asks, but weird is pretty much the brand here, so maybe that makes it a perfectly normal question – for The Autopian, at least.
I don’t recall how precisely it came up, but in our last staff meeting, I wondered aloud what the reaction would be if I had a Cord 810 – the 1936 coupe famous for its industry-first pop-up headlights that deployed via crank – and converted them from hand-operated to power pop-ups. Jason was quick to let me know that this was not nearly enough of a defilement to generate a proper paroxysm from the classic-car cognescenti. What I really needed to do, he explained, was remove the pop-ups entirely, Bondo-over the openings from whence the lights once popped, and affix sealed-beam headlights atop the fenders. Now that would ruin a Cord 810.
Indeed, that would do the trick. And it got me thinking about other classics ripe for ruination. Why not flip the Cord bit, and pop-uppify a car legendary for its prominent peepers? I speak of the Austin-Healey “bugeye” Sprite, seen below as it appears on Bring A Trailer, and thoroughly blasphemed in the graphic above with its bugeyes hidden beneath the hood.
I’m sure you already get the bit, but I couldn’t resist performing a few more Photochops. Feast your eyes on this Lamborghini Countach LP400 Periscopio, unadulterated by the strakes and gee-gaws the Countach would sprout in later years (another Bring A Trailer find, and this one once belonged to Rod Stewart!). The angular “Gandini arch” over the rear wheels is one of its most defining and beautiful features …
… Suppose we get rid of it? Oof, Sorry Marcello. Don’t worry, it’s only pixels. The round-arched Countach can’t hurt you.
One more? Why not. This 1959 Cadillac Eldorado Biarritz (Bring A Trailer once more) shows off its legendary tailfins with extra prominence thanks to the absence of a roof, producing maximum kitsch from the jet-age wonder’s maximum-thrust look.
Yeah, let’s just Sawzall those fins right off’a there.
Wait, did I ruin it, or improve it? Let us know in the comments, and you tell us: How Would You Most Egregiously Ruin A Classic Car Design?
Pretty sure the Sprite was intended to have hidden lights, but the idea was dropped because of cost.
Not really egregious I think, but I love station wagon/shooting break conversions of any luxury sedan/notchback coupe. Stuff like the Lynx Eventer or Rolls Royce Silver Shadow conversions.
Definitely an improvement on the Lamborghini. And, I hate myself for liking the Bugeye conversion. It feels so…subversive!
I agree completely on both accounts. The Bugeye-less Sprite looks cleaner and more mature, and the Countach’s original rear arch just doesn’t fit in right in my eyes. But it’s definitely a downgrade on the Cadillac.
Add hood scoops to anything but a Race car.
My 99 hp diesel SUV with a hood scoop would like a word.
Remove the hydraulics from the Citroen DS.
Fighting words
Should I have included the winkey eye emoji?
Tongue firmly in cheek.
This short article pains me so much already…I’m SO glad we can’t post pics in comments for this one.
Aaaaaahhhh! That poor innocent Caddy! What are you doing to me?
Ohgodno Yikes!!! On a scale of 1 to 10, that poor Caddy is just plain-fucking ruined. That is my exact favorite car of all time, so I’m glad I had a few beers to numb the senses this Saturday night before seeing that ‘shop-job. I’ve always felt Oldsmobile handled the idea of a finless Cadillac pretty well back in ’59 – they had a fin of sorts, but it was a bit more restrained in comparison, making a flat line from front to back.
The Bugeye otoh, that’s great – makes me want to transplant a set of headlights from an Opel GT, mechanical flip-around mechanism fully intact.
J.C.Whitney could make a Beetle front end for a Rolls Royce.
Putting any variety of early 911 bumpers on an SC or 930.
I would probably take a bmw 4 series and replace a classic grill with what looks like two horrible nostrils- oh wait
I saw an F30 3 series with an aftermarket M4 beaver grill. I gave that car a very wide berth because the driver clearly wore their decision making on their sleeve.
Frankly IMHO you improved the first two and tied on the third. Raise the trunk up a bit and it is gold. But how to destroy a classic. How about take a classic design like a 60s Mustang and turn it into a dull mediocre pinto. Or a fabulous 2 door convertible Ford Thunderbird into a 4 door land yacht? A legendary 2 door open top jeep Wrangler into a square SUV. A hot mustang into an EV SUV. A cheap sporty VW GTI into an overly complicated mess. A lovely designed BMW into a plankton eating faced whale?
My point is the article should not be how we would intentionally ruin it but how the manufacturer has ruined it but brand slutting. Yes brand slutting, is that the first time that term has been used? I claim it and insist it be added to automobile lexicon.
Oh yeah, this is the take.
Look up some of the pre-production Mustang prototypes. Some of them are just facelifted Falcons and it shows. The wagon versions look awesome but the world wasn’t ready for a sports wagon in the mid 60’s.
Ha. I kind of like all of these changes…
To be honest, I never really noticed the Countach arch and quite frankly it looks rather dumb next to a norma one.
Agreed. The only issue I have with the remake is the wheel well is just a little smaller than it should be, by maybe 5 or 10%, maximum.
so I would make the Corvair front engine RWD and use cosworth 4cyl as a powerplant.
That would just be a BMW 1602.
I saw one at the Orange Drags in MA a few years ago, had a SBC in the front
the wingless cadillac gives off early 60s t-bird vibes
You realize an early 60s TBird was a two seater convertible right? Nothing like the land yacht Ford prostituted it in the 70s
that early 60s t-bird was a 4 seater with a fiberglass cover over the rear seats. The wedge shape that the Cadillac has when the wings are taken off remind me of the early 60s t bird shape
Ford did a pretty good job wrecking the Cobra with their 2004 concept.
Somebody is not gonna get an invite to Beau’s next b-day bash…
This $2.4 Million Concept Is The Last True Shelby Cobra – The Autopian
Beau and me are tight. He won’t take it personally.
S1 Lotus Esprit: Rolls Royce grille, full sized so it’s about as tall as the roof.
Citroen DS: coilovers.
Toyota 2000GT: the opposite of a roof chop, add in 4” of additional headroom just by spacing the roof up.
Citroen SM: US spec lights.
BMW E30 M3: standard E30 wheel arches.
Citroen Traction Avant: RWD
Any classic at all: 20” wheels.
Everything they ever did to the Cougar.
Everything they did to a mini to turn it in to the MINI SUV things they make now.
you mean the mercury probe. In all honesty they did to the cougar what they almost did to the mustang in the late 80s
I had a 67. The later ones were terrible.
Take a classic 50’s or 60’s design, preferably sports cars and coupes. Now make them “crossovers” with black plastic body cladding around the bottom. Make it about 3 in tall all the way around too.
The Bugeye Sprite was originally supposed to have tilt up headlights like the Porsche 928, and of course the Graham Hollywood used the Cord body, but with exposed headlights.
IIRC, the tilt up headlights were removed from the Sprite design to save costs. Sometimes, the bean counters help. I had a Bugeye and it just would not have been the same without the bug eyes.
Take the 1969 Thunderbird –
Remove the hidden headlamps and add a massive protrusion/beak to the front.
Oh- wait – Bunky Knudsen already did that for 1970…
This is easy. Pick any design classic. Drive it into a hedge. Whilst flogging the socks off it. It’s how these cars were designed to live.
After what he did with his Delorean knockoff, I’d just show the car to will.i.am. 😉
The Countach looks very much like a EB110 now. O_o
I think all three examples are improvements.
The current best way to ruin a classic is to put an electric motor and hundreds of pounds of batteries in it. Or an LS swap.
How about replacing the headlights on anything with sealed beams with those Amazon-special LED drop-ins. I mean the terrible ones with the DRL and all the different elements clearly visible, not the tasteful ones like Holley Retrobrights.
I see them everywhere here and online on things like old Jeeps, Land Rover Defenders etc.