I Asked The Internet Which of My Cars I Should Sell. Here’s What The People Said

There’s just something about The Great Land of Autopia that is different from anywhere else. The way the breeze drifts over stationary hulks of metal, rubber and glass. The way the morning light refuses to dance and barely bounces off of a faded base-clear paint job from 30 years ago. The sound of David’s bugle at the start of the day. The daily affirmation announcements from Jason over the community-wide loudspeaker system whilst we all salute the Autopian flag. Matt’s Skoda-based poetry readings on the local green. The way the hourly chimes of the Great Autopian Clocktower (which are hand-rung by social media guy Peter Vieira with the Grand Clock Mallet) drift over the fumes of markers from Adrian Clarke’s evening outdoor automotive design classes in the park.

There’s no place like it.

That sense of kinship and community is what inspired me to ask the inhabitants of Greater Autopia for advice regarding my burgeoning fleet a couple weeks ago. The sage advice that came back was dripping with years of experience, and probably trauma. Multiples upon multiples of curse words, bleeding knuckles, empty wallets and rounded-off bolt heads were laced into some of the best and weirdest advice anyone could have ever hoped to receive. 

Beyond the imparted wrenching experience was an undertone of brand preferences and prejudice — of model-specific appreciation, ambivalence and spite. What came back was a reflection of your thoughts on my shitbox fleet, but also a reflection of general trends, tone and tenor from you. In a way, it was a small reflection of the preferences of the readership here. Or perhaps I should say a reflection of the Royal We (a noun usually reserved to be utilized by David or Jason…or Adrian Clarke, since he and his kinfolk have a prior preference for limes while at sea and smearing unelected monarch’s heads with whale ambergris oil).

So what was said? Well, a whole hell of a lot of shit. But within all the smack-talkin’ was also some valuable data.

I went through 183 comments and tallied each. “Junk them all/ burn them all/ crush them all!” counted as a -1pt across the board, regardless of how stupid that comment-type is and how wasteful and trite it makes the commenter appear. To suggest destroying running vehicles, needlessly is dumb and not funny in The Duchy of Greater Gossin-Land (a province within Greater Autopia known for its fine-ass regional <$500 shitboxes). 

Behold the final tally:

Sidebar: Also, I know that I’m only a Viscount and not an Earl, but I’m working with Jason to up my title so that I can claim full rulership of The Duchy of Greater Gossin-Land as a breakaway, semi autonomous province within Greater Autopia. He has to source more ambergris oil for the anointing ceremony first.

“I like A, B & C!” counted as a +1pt for those mentioned. Any mention in the positive of any car counted as a +1 and any negative mention a -1pt. They were sorted in descending order by the number of upvotes. Here’s what I learned about how y’all feel about my fleet:

1st Place: 2013 Chrysler 300C

Well, it looks like the nicest, newest, most expensive and most technologically advanced vehicle here took the top spot. This may also have been because I specifically called out that it was a family heirloom and gift from my uncle.

So, the data is murky here, since it’s not clear if the upvotes were an endorsement of the car on its merits, or an endorsement of “family” (Vin Diesel; Fast & Furious-style). Either way, this fast, modern, suave cruiser isn’t hard to love. Especially with its sparkled “Luxury Brown Pearlcoat.” It’s one of the few and the proud modern cars that even offered a brown paint shade. The Pentastar V6 is more than enough power, the suspension soaks it all up and the ZF 8 speed trans is smooth as butta.

The rear window auto shade has broken off its tracks though and two of the 20 inch wheels are bent from what we believe was dealer oil change tech hooliganism that involved jumping the car over train tracks in Florida. Those items weren’t disclosed in the story though, so the four downvotes it received were from readers that apparently love to be contrarians, or that skimmed over the part where I said it was a hands-down keeper.

Top 300C comment:

Angular Banjoes says:

Keep the 300, and get rid of the rest. Lots of garbage there.

Stephen Walter Gossin says:

“Donny, you’re out of your element!” –Walter Sobchack

2nd Place: 1993 Dodge Stealth 

Ok, so it’s got a fresh “Pearl Blue” paint job (with bodywork done by Yours Truly) and a 5 speed. It’s not hard to see how and why this Japanese Dodge got the next-highest number of upvotes. It looks really good, it’s fun, and there just aren’t that many left (especially in decent, non-ragged condition). Plus this one is a successful Gossin Motors rescue story of a car that had a bad transmission and was in overall sorry shape, but now actually works. Considering the tone towards the car the woman I bought it from had, it’s not hard to see this thing being crushed in 2018 if I hadn’t bought it for $300 five years ago.

It did get 21 downvotes as well though. It’s the base model, it’s really not fast at all and parts for this 30yr old machine aren’t exactly growing on trees. Many comments were centered around the fact that it was downvoted not due to a lack of merit, but because of it; that this was one of the few that was desirable enough to sell easily for decent coin. Others just were never really moved by these cars and their Mitsubishi 3000GT brethren and downvoted it out of apathy. 

Regardless, it shows that the classic appreciation of a shiny, 5-speed, sports-oriented car here is alive and well, regardless of how many shitbox and camper celebrations are happening in the same breath. 

Top Stealth comment:

Jack Trade says:

I liked the slightly softer-edged look of it compared to the Mitsu 3000GT stablemate when they both came out. After a bit, they both seemed overwrought in the styling department, esp. the dorky spoiler on the Stealth. Now, I love the low and wide but small sport coupe mojo, if only b/c it barely exists anymore. And pop up headlights, of course.

3rd Place: 1994 Buick Park Avenue Ultra

Yes, I know that everyone loves a good underdog redemption story, but let’s just think about our bronze podium finisher here for a minute. This car is non-operational, full of mold and stagnant water and is by far in the roughest shape of any car here. There is no paint left on the hood, as the clearcoat, base coat and primer have all disappeared in the Carolina sun at some point between ’94 and today. Regardless, it has beaten three convertibles, a 6-speed sports coupe, a muscle car, a pickup and a full size SUV — all running and in leagues better condition. This current yard sculpture has such underdog-lovability that 19 of y’all chose for it to stay.

This shows just how deep the pure, uncut shitbox love is mainlined in this community and it is glorious. 

On the other hand, this beast did receive 27 demerits (it found itself in a 3-way tie for 7th-most downvotes), so there is still a healthy faction of readers that, to quote Homie D. Clown, “Don’t play that.” Many comments found that it would be an interesting challenge to read about, while most detractors didn’t see the point and were concerned for my health due to all the mold.

Work begins on this car in the next week or two. Tots & Pears needed.

Top Park Avenue Ultra comment:

XXLTall says:

You have written your bed and you must sleep in it now. Go find a donkey to pull that Park Ave around till you get it running. The donkey might just become your best friend.

4th Place: 2004 Dodge Durango

This truck has treated me better than pretty much every other car that I’ve owned (there were 120 of them) and the high praise and positive tone was intentional in the prior descriptions of this absolute hoss. I love it. David thinks it’s ugly, but that man eats pasta in the shower so take that with a grain of parmesan.

Most of the positive comments regarded it as a competent hauler and tow rig. Not much was said about reliability or even its looks. I suppose this generation of Durango is just so commonplace today and is in the position of maximum saturation that emotions are cool towards it. The first-gen Durangos are starting to disappear, these 2nd Gens are nearing the end of their reign, but there are still a ton of them. The 3rd Gens didn’t show up until late 2010, so they haven’t been on the scene as long as my golden “Khaki Silver”-painted warrior.

I did also state that this one was a keeper, so the 10 downvotes were from folks who I’m quite certain choose violence when it is presented and who prefer things like catsup and modern Honda “angry cyborg insect” design. 

Regardless, the trusty Dodge truck landed a solid midpack finish.

Top Durango comment (from friend of the site Stef Schrader):

stefthepef says:

After reading the justifications, here’s what I’d keep:…

-Durango (gotta have a towpig for what you do, and welp, sounds like you’ve got a decent one here)

…my thoughts exactly, Stef.

5th Place: 1994 Pontiac Trans Am GT

The bottom of this list is full of cars that had more downvotes than upvotes. These were the top choices that readers picked for me to send the way of the Spectacled Cormorant. I was astounded to see not only that the Buick beat this car, but that it beat it so badly. Yes, there are GM fans and detractors, but for a family luxury sedan (non-running, at that) to beat a V8 performance coupe this badly shows just how unique Autopians are.

There honestly weren’t many positive things said about this beautiful green machine. Commenters lamented the auto trans (of course they did) and GM cheapassery of the period. Nobody really spoke of its performance credentials or of just how flapjackin’ cool it is to say “I drive a Trans Am. Yup, I sure do. And it’s green. It’s named after a badass race.” (Said in a Joe Dirt tone)

Now I haven’t had the opportunity to say that just yet, since I’ve been busy putting multiple engines in this one, but hopefully we’ll get there soon. This badass screamin’ chicken is currently at my buddy Chuck’s body shop (big Autopian shout-out to Carolina Auto Restorations) getting the stupid Batmobile rear wing deleted.

Top Trans Am GT comment:

Duke of Kent says:

The Trans Am is being towed in every picture (except for the one where the engine is taken out), which doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.

…fair play your grace.

 

6th Place: 1993 Chrysler New Yorker Salon

Honestly, 11 upvotes was about 9 more than I was expecting, so for all you “Extended K” homies out there, know that I’m pouring one out for y’all as this is written. Cars of this type are not only out of fashion, but they represent a design approach that is from the past and that will never be “in” again. I, for one, love having a car that fills the answer to: “What if grandma’s living room could move?!” and it seems like 11 others feel the same.

Of course there were many comments stating this car is “garbage” and “Chrysler/Stellantis junk” and so forth, but this car rolls on during its 31st year on this planet. Think about the countless much-higher-regarded brands (ahem, BMW, Mercedes, Audi, etc) with much greater-celebrated engineering that have gone to the junkyard in the sky before their 15th birthday, much less their 30th.

Solid engineering in a time-warp package. DMC-12 associations aside, driving a car like this is the real Time Machine. It’s the easiest way to experience yesterday and feel how your grandfather did when he drove a “sharp car.” (Yes, I’m quoting my own there. Shout out to Joe Toukatly who is reading from The Great Beyond.)

This car is currently getting a new headliner and new exterior upholstery on the landau roof.

Top New Yorker Salon comment:

INVUJerry says:

We seem to have similar tastes.I’ll help by gladly taking that New Yorker off your hands.

7th Place: 2005 Chrysler Crossfire, 6-speed

This is exactly why DaimlerChrysler was forced to sell an excess inventory of this car on Overstock.com when they were not moving off dealer lots. You may think it’s the lack of a rear seat, but just glance over at everyone’s favorite Mazda to see that the seat issue is not a dealbreaker. Maybe it’s the polarizing styling or the worse-than-you-expected cheap-ass interior that Mercedes really phoned in. Maybe it’s the manual transmission that’s sourced from a Jeep. Maybe it was the high MSRP.

Regardless, to quote David Byrne, it’s the “same as it ever was”: this car has limited fan appeal. This is a beautiful Deco 2-seater coupe with a stick and a V6 that is very attainable in today’s used market, yet the entirety of car culture still responds with the same “meh!” that they always have towards it. The only one here that I know wasn’t one of those 38 downvotes was Matthew Hardigree. He gets the Crossfire. He’s a real one.

I hate the Mercedes/Chrysler divorce parts issues this car has, but hottdammit that thing is beautiful.

Top Crossfire comment:

365daytonafan says:

I’m looking at this from the point of view as to which one I would most likely buy should be the one to sell and (I can’t believe I’m saying this) it has to be the Crossfire. RWD, manual sportscar for $5,000ish is probably a win in the current market. Plus one appeared on a You Tube video I was mindlessly watching the other day and my wife glanced up from her duolingo quiz to say that looks nice. 

8th Place: 1997 Dodge Ram 1500

Well this one was unexpected. One of the most utilitarian and useful vehicles here shows up 5th from the bottom of the list. If you had asked me to predict the outcome of this venture, I’d have said that this pickup truck would’ve been in the top 5 finishers. And that’s just because of its vehicle-type. The fact that it was in great shape and has nice extras such as a teal bench and a surprisingly clean interior support that formerly-held belief even moreso.

Most of the 44 (!) downvotes were in the same spirit as the Stealth. They were votes to sell because it is worth more than the other candidates and is more desirable. Ipso facto, not one downvote comment was critical of the truck’s merits; they were downvotes of appreciation.

There was also a refrain of comments stating the Durango could perform most of the truck duties needed and that having both was superfluous. This really hit home with me and I’ll tell you more about it shortly.

Best Ram 1500 Comment:

Saddle Tramp says:

This kills me but if you really aren’t using the Ram 1500 and love it, you should sell it to someone that will love it. That pickup is a true gem. Just please be cautious on who buys it. That truck deserves a good person, not some scum who will abuse it for twisted enjoyment.

9th Place: 2006 Chrysler Sebring Convertible “Touring”

Ever since I showed up on the scene ~3 years ago, I’ve been extolling the virtues of the Sebring Convertible. I’ve had nine of them (plus two hardtops), and find them to be a bold and refreshing choice, especially in 2023. This is the last ICE, drop top GT from the #3 U.S. automaker, ever. It is cheap to buy, cheap to fix, and looks damn sexy.

Convincing the commentariat of the above is another story altogether. Interestingly enough, there weren’t too many anti-Sebring comments that actually described a demerit per the car’s faults. Instead, most were just an overarching, generalized “Nah, they suck”-type of sentiment. Nothing about how a top replacement costs more than a replacement car, or how the Ultradrive trans will surely drive you to drinking without proper ATF+4 services every 75K, or a myriad of other admittedly weak points. 

Yes, top-trim models were $30K when new (and that’s in early-Aughts dollars; they would be $48K in today’s dollars), but they certainly are amongst the cheapest cars you can find these days. The fabric tops are at the age where they are starting to go, and as stated above, replacing them pretty much makes the car a negative-equity value purchase. 

This keeps prices low. The entire worth of the car is dependent upon a piece of cloth that it wears like some beanie with an expiration date. It also seems that it will relegate these cars to the same position in car-culture that they have always been in, at least for the next 10 years until hipsters find them cool. 

It’s not easy being so fashion-forward that you are out of fashion. These are the burdens we Sebring fans bear.

Top and only Sebring-specific comment:

v10omous says:

The Sebring is a keeper too, just noticed I forgot it.

…even a positive comment on a Sebring includes an aspect/tone of forgetting about it.

10th Place: 2003 Dodge Stratus Coupe SXT

I have never really understood why these cars are so passed-over and unappreciated. I outlined many of those thoughts in the piece I did on what is one of my favorite cars of all time here. This coupe is low, long and has all the right proportions to this untrained eye. Its “Victory Red” paint confuses many a honey bee in spring into thinking it’s a giant flower. It has a fuel efficient Mitsu 2.4L “4G64” 4 cylinder and honestly is a rare type of car on today’s roadways. [Editor’s Note: I remai a fan of the Stratus Coupe’s looks. I also love how it’s totally mechanically unrelated to the regular Stratus. -DT]. 

It’s not a boulevard cruiser like a Solara or a pocket hatch like the Eclipse that it’s based upon. It’s not a muscle car like a Mustang. It’s a coupe with performance looks that doesn’t really have any performance cred. Highly revered fellow Autopian reader and top-tier commenter Jack Trade said it best last year here:

“But a car like this isn’t the two-door version of a sedan, it’s something else entirely…a promise of some elemental connection to idealized domestic performance cars of old perhaps.”

Exactly, Jack.

There weren’t many comments stating any real flaws with this car’s condition specifically. Not many thoughts on these cars (and the Sebring Coupe sister car) outside of a general non-preference. That seems to be the best way to describe the market’s reaction to them when they were for sale and also the feelings of larger car-culture towards them. There’s nothing really wrong, but most people have taken a pass on these cars for the past 20 years.

They are quickly disappearing as buying a Mitsubishi that’s labeled as a Dodge comes with its own set of challenges. The cruise control recently went out on my car and after much local searching found that only the local Mitsu dealership had the 20yr-old software to scan the cruise module for codes. Turns out it’s either the module itself or the throttle positioning sensor. We’ll see.

Anyhow, I’m still driving my $220 car that I bought in 2015, daily, and I love it. Even if y’all never really will. It’s ok. We can agree to disagree; it’s The Autopian Gentleman’s Way.

Top Stratus comment:

Sid Bridge says:

Keep the Ford Aspire and the Isuzu I-mark, lose the Chevy Tahoe.

You’re welcome.

Thanks Sid. A fitting apathetic snark for this underappreciated beauty.

11th Place: 2002 Jaguar XK8

One of the most interesting aspects of this car is that my boss David Tracy seems to really not like it. Not just that he just doesn’t like this particular XK8, but that cars of this type/ilk just don’t seem to be his thing. 

For example, on our first piece together in 2020, he told me to:

“Get rid of this money-pit right now. Swallow what you’ve put into it, and move on. I applaud the work you’ve done to get it looking decent, and I get that it’s nice to own a comfortable luxury car (especially one with a ~300 horsepower V8!), but this thing isn’t worth your time. Once you get it mended with a new top, you’ll likely be in at least $4,000 for an okay Jag with peeling clear-coat; I’m not sure this car is cool enough to be worth that.” -DT

…see what he did there right at the end? He said it’s not “cool enough,” which is an understandable take for a man who appreciates old Jeeps and (seemingly random, when compared to the rest of his fleet) a Mustang & i3. In fact, my idea for an article about rebuilding the engine on my Jag has been on the back burner for over a year now, and I’m hoping to get it to the frontlines of Autopia this summer if I can get my boss amped up on a car that he clearly doesn’t care for. Challenge accepted.

The XK8 landed the most downvotes out of any car on this list due to the myriad of issues it has. A 20yr old Jag with issues is not uncommon, even for the Ford era of Jaguar ownership. I honestly do not know how this company has stayed in business this long with how prone their cars are towards maladies and how wicked expensive parts are. It’s like they are built to smite their second or third owner once the warranty is up. 

Most comments mirrored this, and spoke of general Jaguar unreliability and how much of a fool’s errand it would be to try and rehab this example. There were some positive comments though, as this machine is, to quote Fat Bastard, “dead sexy”. 

I’ll keep the car sitting in my parkway for the moment, with plans to start back on repairs this summer. The story for this British Racing Green XK8 isn’t over yet.

Top XK8 comment:

Flick says:

I’ve an illogical attraction to the Jag; and it has nothing whatever to do with its innards. I’ve never touched one, let alone driven, worked on, or owned one. (There’s a similar X-something decaying on a local guy’s driveway — the only local car I’ve entertained a fantasy about owning.)

Seems like there just has to be some way to replace all the mundane, normally-hidden mechanicals (including ridiculously-expensive locks & keys) in order to enable simply, affordably, and practically riding around in something that gorgeous. I wouldn’t blush at a minivan drive train and pickup truck suspension, if the thing would simply go and stop. (Heat nice, AC optional.) Not a retromod; maybe a practomod: a way to make a lovely bit of automotive sculpture actually usable. (Now there’s an article series!)

Those things are, for some reason, my idea of a classy automobile.

 

12 Place: Chrysler LeBaron Convertible 

What the hell is wrong with those 37 of you out there who downvoted this “Aqua Metallic” masterpiece?! Just look at that paint! 

How did this car get beaten by a moldy, non-running Buick sedan?!

Here’s a shot of its current state; awaiting me to get a day off to install a new rack and pinion:

I’ll leave it at that before I blow a gasket. Y’all need some Jesus or crystals or meditation or therapy or a move to L.A. or something.

Top LeBaron comment:

tacotruckdave says:

…Where does the car hating girl friend park? You don’t have time for 2 jobs, all these cars and a girlfriend. Tata, 1 space just opened up.

Remember 3D printing the Lebaron lens or any plastic part is soon to be cheap. I would prefer a woodgrain convertible to Teal. But you poors and your Budweiser and feetball.

But for the future offer advice, let people bring their cars to you. Teach them to fix them to provide an everwidening Autopian Universe. Fix a mans car he drives it today, teach him how to fix it he drives forever…

Dave’s above comment gave me a laugh. Well done, sir!

In The End…

Well that’s the entire list of results. Sometimes it isn’t easy to look in the mirror, but each of you made my upcoming decision on which car to sell much easier.

A sincere thank you for reading and for taking the time to comment and help out. It was fun having the readership of The Autopian help make this call, and I enjoyed learning more about what our readers’ preferences are. Granted, this is only a 12 car field, and these aren’t really common vehicles on the road today, but having our collective thoughts tallied is a worthwhile pursuit for future generations of Autopians. Posterity, my friends.

So which one was selected in the end? Well, stay tuned for Part III of this series, which will reveal the chosen vehicle. Hint: I listened and took your advice…mostly.

Postscript

Special, fun shout out comment that made the GF smile:

SquareTaillight2002 says:

Keep the Crossfire and the girlfriend. They’re quality, interesting, and in good condition. Lose everything else.

Stephen Walter Gossin says:

I showed this comment to her and her response was:

“Love that person!”

All photos by Stephen Walter Gossin

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