You know what is a constant and reliable source of annoyance? A minor annoyance, I suppose, but also a potent one. It’s when you have a pine needle or some similar crap stuck between your wiper blade and your windshield, and you turn on the wipers, which causes the unwanted, trapped object (usually a stupid pine needle, but it could be a leaf or a flower petal or a faerie wing or some other similar shit) to leave an annoying, arc-shaped streak on the windshield, usually right smack dab in the middle of your field of vision. It’s so irritating. And it happens all the time. And it’s not just me kvetching about this, look, here’s many others griping, too. Everyone hates this. So why hasn’t there been a solution for this, beyond having to stop and get out of your damn car in the rain and lift the wiper and smack the pine needle out of the way, like some sort of filthy animal? I have no idea why. But I think I have an idea about to handle this, and that’s why I asked you here today. Let’s get to it.
In case you’re from, say, a suburb located on the far side of South Mars and you’re not familiar with this problem, I made a little animated GIF for you to illustrate it. Just to be sure you’re not distracted by any specific car, I used the most common, ignorable car I could think of as the model here, a 1979 Klondike Pelican 1800:
You get it, right? The windshield streaks made by the debris like a pine needles? Of course you get it. As we established, this is an incredibly common annoyance. So, what’s the simplest way wiper design could be changed to free mankind once and for all from the tyranny of the Crap Stuck Under Your Wipers? Well, I have two ideas. Let’s look at Solution One:
This solution would add a solenoid to the conventional wiper mechanism that would allow the wiper shaft to be raised a bit from the windshield. I’m thinking the solenoid would be actuated by a button on the dashboard or wiper stalk, so the driver can “thump” the wipers up and down at whatever pace they desire, or, if they choose, they can hold that button down and keep the wipers raised as they drive, letting wind free anything that may have come between wiper and blade. [Ed note: This GIF is pretty suggestive, are we allowed to show this? – MH]
I’m imagining a pretty powerful solenoid for this purpose, so it could also be used to break wipers free from being iced to the windshield in winter, and for making satisfying-sounding thonks against the windshield that could be employed while listening to loud music so everyone knows how much you’re into it. It could also be a fun way of getting people’s attention without resorting to your horn, too, or even be something that could happen when you click your car’s remote locking. Really, there’s all kinds of reasons to integrate a thump mechanism into windshield wipers.
Now, if that feels too complex for you, or if you’d like a simpler solution that could be retrofitted to pretty much any car, how about this:
This would just be a simple grooved rubber strip, backed with strong adhesive, that you’d place at the base of your windshield, right about where your wipers normally park. As they rotate in their wiperly arcs, they’d go over the rubber strip, which should effectively remove any debris from the blades. Will this cause more blade wear? Probably a bit, sure. Will some marginal wipers have trouble getting wipers over even a thin rubber strip? Maybe? But I think for the most part, this could be pretty effective, and could be fitted to pretty much any vehicle cheaply and easily.
Hell, they could sell this stuff by the roll at auto parts stores! Maybe even with different types of textures that prove better for specific types of debris or grit or foliage? There’s something here, I’m sure of it, and I bet 3M will have this product on shelves in two months and I won’t even get a gift card in the mail. Thanks a lot, 3M.
So what does everyone think? Would either of these work? Have any preferences? You own ideas? We’re a think tank here at The Autopian, so let’s talk this out and free the world of this annoyance, once and for all!
You’re welcome, humanity.
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May I bring up another wiper annoyance?
On the two GMC vehicles I’ve owned the wipers make one if not two too many sweeps when using the washers. Three sweeps is – I think perfect. They do five and by the fifth the windshield is dry and the wiper is scraping dry glass.
I can see a collab between Bosch and Dyson here. Bosch makes the wiper-arm-lifting mechanism, synchronized with a powerful blower from Dyson along the base of the windshield that blows the pine needles and occasional squirrel clear up into the welkin.
At my place of work all parking spots are between a lovely row of willow trees.
While they look nice in the summer they drip sap like a misting rain, in the autumn the leaves (so many leave) fall non stop, in the spring the wind blows sticks and all year long the birds crap on my car only, because I am a neat freak. When the weather is nice I ride my bike just to keep my car clean and otherwise I, unless it will rain, snow or be gusty, put on a car cover on my car. I get a new car cover every few years because it gets really nasty.
I also clean off my wipers with wet wipes or paper napkins that I keep in the car before I know I need to use them.
> While they look nice in the summer they drip sap like a misting rain, in the autumn the leaves (so many leave) fall non stop, in the spring the wind blows sticks
The trees at my house do all of that ALL DAMN YEAR and it’s costing me a fortune in care covers.
Can confirm. Willow present in my yard. The tree drops so many branches it’s nuts. At least my fire pit has a constant source of fuel. Hey, does that make it carbon-neutral?
Don’t get me started about the hawthorn trees in my driveway. Those berries get in every nook, cranny and vent. Birds and squirrels love them too, yay.
I find some people’s choice of decorative trees to plant questionable.
Already exists in a different form:
https://www.wipershaker.com/
https://youtu.be/54XsOx5of2Q
My assigned parking space at work isn’t under the pine tree, so I don’t have to worry about sap. But it’s down wind of the tree. The car that parks under the tree has no needle issues but I sure do. It’s like the needles have a mind of their own, attracted to the narrowest crevice they can find. Pick, pick, pick.
My 2015 Volvo S60 does have the ability to swipe to vertical then stop for blade replacement. They stand tall and you can clean or replace the blades or if you prefer pick the needles out. If you feel compelled it makes the blade super easy to slap.
I once was so annoyed by a fir needle that I pulled to the side of the road, removed it, and put it in my pocket intending to ceremonially burn it later, but I forgot it until now and very much doubt it’s still in the pocket. These “solutions” are worse than the problem. I had to scrape ice this AM, no to the strip.
I always thought the most annoying thing about windshield wipers was that the highest setting is never quite high enough for a heavy downpour
And Low is too fast for most Nashville rains, while the shortest intermittent interval is much too slow. Because, as mdharrell notes, that’s how the universe works.
Fuckin’ universe.
It’s actually the fact that they wear unevenly, and the wear *always* starts at the section that is directly in front of the driver when in use.
My suggestion removes the issue of the spring loaded arms staying in contact with the thumper idea, and the blade wear issue of the rubber strip.
Just add a small lobe above the shaft of the wiper that the arm will rub over right at the peak of its swing. Acting directly on the arm means it will guarantee seperation from the windshield, acting at the upright position means minimal drag, so your wipers won’t get whipped about while not being pressed to the windshield and I feel like it’d also help suck the debris straight up and outta there.
The most infuriating part of this is not the existence of pine needle themselves, nor is it that the luxury automakers who should long ago have pioneered a solution have instead decided to focus their energies on turning their car interiors into scent-based fiber optic touchscreen hyperlounges.
No. While both of those things are truly inexcusable, the worst, absolute worst part of this whole shambolic debacle is how whenever it happens, it invariably becomes the only thing I can think about for the entire time I am driving, and yet I absolutely invariably and without exception instantly forget about it the very moment I park and do not remember to go get that stupid pine needle out of there, thus ensuring that it will be waiting for me the next time I get in the car, like some tiny yet diabolical monument to the fallibility of the human mind.
God dammit.
This. My God, this.
You too?
I’m just watching that solenoid bopping up and down and hearing “oontz oontz oontz…” in my head.
Now is ze time on Wipers ven ve dance!
Sign me up for the solenoid! Make it super strong so it can bust out of ice too (I always forget to fold up my wipers).
Honestly, I picture the lifting action as simply trapping more under there such that its stuck in the extended position and cant lift any higher to free what got stuck under there when it extended.
time to sell the car, says i
I thought this was why people had children.
I can’t believe one of the German OEM’s haven’t overengineered the crap out windshield wipers to figure this out.
German pine needles aren’t allowed to fall on windshields. It’s the law.
Like that weird Mercedes uni-wiper that moved in a half-elliptical pattern and whipped across the windshield fast enough it looked like it could swat the bugs onto the next poor sucker’s windshield beside it while stopped at a light? I wonder how well those things dealt with pine needles and crap…
On the other hand, it was over-engineered and German. Which means that wiping across a single pine needle for a specific number of times might require more frequent mandatory (expensive) service intervals… and a warning light on the gauge cluster that only the dealer could reset…
Each needle would require an OTA wiper update and service charge.
Just make sure not to park on a slope or no pine needle update for you.
Just curious, Jason did you discuss this with the wiper design guy (Carmen) we met at the party the other night?
yes! And he’ll be doing something bigger for us later!
That conversation was the Autopian-iest thing to happen at David’s party.
I suggested just rolling down the window and giving the wiper a quick smack against the window, and Jason called me – and I quote – a “filthy animal.” Apparently he’s too frightened to soil his dainty little fingers. Or he just can’t reach.
This has been the answer for as long as I’ve been alive. Also useful for when the rain/sleet/snow/slop is clinging and freezing on a long drive.
If it’s on the passenger side? Who cares. That’s way over there.
Yep, he calls you a ‘filthy animal’ when he did the worm on David’s carpet!
I would take much stock in the “filthy animal” comment, after all wasn’t he the guy doing “the worm” on 1970’s discount broadloom of questionable cleanliness.
Just buy him a reach extender tool for his birthday, it’s a lot cheaper and less hassle than a cowl monkey.
Screw you Tucker. I posted the same thing at 5:35pm, a half hour before you. You stole it from me and get 29 stars and i am at 3? Damn life aint fair.
I can’t draw for crap, but here’s an idea…
Put a simple “u-hook” designed material that runs along the blade and is moved by some sort of durable tension-based wire. It can hook around to the back of the blade on the mounting arm at full apex and then retract to the base when it goes back to horizontal. It is powered using simple actuational force of the base of the blade. The ability to use it or just leave it be in its base position would be easily accomplished by just disabling it in the same way washer fluid is.
Basically, it’s a slot car, or runs like the rats in The Rat Race game on The Price Is Right….
Why build all that fancy mechanism when you can just tell Otto to get out of the car and fix it for you?
You will not have this until backup cameras are self-cleaning. Wait in line.
But we have those, at least on some cars, already.
My cheap ass VW Sportwagen has this. Well, not exactly but it doesn’t get dirty because it was designed to hide under the badge when not in use.
Clean it out before driving away?
Park in a garage?
Put an umbrella over your wipers when you park your car?
Rely on RainX?
Put a periscope through the roof?
Drive using cameras that hide behind the headlights, where everyone knows a car’s eyes are, not in the windshield like those jokers at Pixar have it?
Also, I had the google the 1979 Klondike Pelican 1800, and you know what? It’s not even a car!
This is why I love this site, you never know what kind of shit Torch’s going to pull!
It exists now!!
Go to Google Images and search for “klondike pelican”. Scroll down in the results. 🙂
If we try hard enough, we can manifest the real thing. How far are we willing to go?
Or…
What would we do-ooo-ooo for a Klondike car?
It might be characterized as a First World Problem.
“…and for making satisfying-sounding thonks against the windshield that could be employed while listening to loud music so everyone knows how much you’re into it. ”
This is why I need this, oh and the ice thing, but mainly the music!
My approach is to play music loud enough the bass knocks all the debris loose
I dig it. This is definitely an annoyance and I always forget to clean the wiper blade manually when I get out of the car and am aggravated again when starting it back up!
I think the thumping solenoid would need to lift the base of the arm quite high, certainly higher than illustrated above, in order to compensate for the spring-loaded mechanism that holds the blade against the glass. I also think that the offending object would cling tenaciously to the lifted blade anyway, even after repeated thumping cycles, because that’s how the universe works. If anything, the thumping would probably increase its adhension to the blade, because that’s also how the universe works.
I also didn’t notice my typo in the word “adhesion” until it was too late because, again, the universe.
I dunno: “adhension” seems to dial it up a notch — I’d go with it.
“Adhension” sounds like the feeling you get when you don’t know if the super glue is going to work, i.e. “adhesive (adhesory?) apprehension”. Or “adhesive tension”.
And it starts with A so it will fit right in around here.
Maybe we should start an Autopian glossary.
Fuckin’ universe, amirite guys?
Whenever something happens or fails to happen, I look around and what do I see? The universe. At that point it doesn’t take much brainpower to figure out where the blame lies but I managed to do it anyway.
I thought windshield wipers were going to be replaced with lasers in the future ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
There’s an old Arthur C. Clarke novel where one of the protagonists has gotten rich by inventing a system that vibrates the windshield at frequencies so high it’s imperceptible but shakes all the water off. Always liked that as our possible future replacement for wipers.
Sigh – that’s so old hat. Japanese cars offered self-drying ultrasonic vibrating side mirrors as an option back in the last century.
https://www.facebook.com/soarersurgeon/videos/ultrasonic-mirror/2688716624513472/
Ships have those spinning disc dealies that work pretty well, always wondered if those could be adapted
David Lean adapted rotating disc housings so that he could use full-size Panavision cameras to film during a literal hurricane for “Ryan’s Daughter”. But I imagine the idea is too unwieldy for cars.
Wow am I the only one who opens my window, reaches out and grabs the wiper until said object is released?
Why dont we have more cars named after cute animals? The KIA Koala, Tesla Teddy Bear, Plymouth Puppy, etc.
Did the Penguin come two toned black and white?
And did it run on fish?
Torch’s arms are too short.