I’m going to be out today and through Monday because I agreed to help our own David Tracy pack up more of the cold, frozen shanty full of sharp, cold, rusty metal things he called his house as he attempts to finally completely move to sunny, less-miserable Los Angeles. It’s going to suuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkk because David told me the high will be 10° and there’s snow and everything there is a mess because he lives like a filthy animal that hordes rusty car parts and every step is going to be so cold and painful and oh god why did I agree to this why why why?
We will be having the Big Autopian Readers Party, of course, so that’ll be fun but every moment before and after that is about guaranteed to be pure frozen hell. Have I told you about what his bathroom sink looks like? Maybe the unholy life that’s developing in there will be willing to help us carry frozen transmission cases to the truck with their slimy tentacles, or something.
Those cars up there, by the way, are two Antarctic automotive firsts: the left one is the 1907 Arrol-Johnston brought by Earnest Shackleford on his Antarctic expedition, and while it was air-cooled and used non-freezing oil, it never really worked, because is was not able to get any real traction in snow, and was mostly a failure. Really, nobody quite knew how to test the car for adequate performance in the Antarctic conditions, so it’s really not too surprising it was a bust.
More successful was Antarctic 1, a 1963 Volkswagen Beetle that was the first production car in Antarctica, and the first one that actually worked. Fitted with VW’s cold weather package, snow chains, and some frame reinforcements, Antarctica 1 was used to great effect by the Australian National Antarctic Research Expeditions.
I’m going to use that Beetle as my Spirit Car as David forces me to haul shit through the icy muck, and contemplate that little red Beetle when I just want to crawl into some hole and be warm, warm and immobile, wishing this nightmare would end.
Anyway, wish me luck!
I’m looking forward to meeting you at the party Torch. Will you be joining us to discuss taillights on the US Auto Tour? At least it looks to be closer to 30 degrees the day of the party (at least for the high temp).
Moving Pro Tips:
1. The beer stays locked up until the work is done. Ask me how I learned this… fortunately at a friend’s house. His wife still won’t talk to most of us involved.
2. The bathroom floor should be covered with cardboard. The place will already become enough of a mess with so many people tracking through it but with the snow, well, boots aren’t coming off for a quick trip to the whizzer. Quite seriously a porta-potty would be a good idea if you are expecting 100 people AND having beer.
3. Harbor Freight sells packs of cheap throw-away cotton gloves. For those helping clean David’s kitchen or shower, or helping to pack his clothes, latex gloves might be nice.
4. There is almost nothing (that isn’t sealed in a box from the manufacturer that David will actually need in California or couldn’t buy cheaper there than the cost of moving it there. When in doubt, throw it out.
5. There will be a dumpster there, right?
I’m sure there will be a Dumpster fire. An actual Dumpster? IDK.
Do you think David would even notice if the crap that was hauled out of the Detroit house never even made it to California?
Think “Diversion Plan”
What if the stuff gets stored in a different kind of “moving” truck just with the name Ed’s Refuse blocked out?
To be fair, LA is not actually *less* miserable than Detroit, it’s just *differently* miserable.
Also, make the party guests each take one rusty car part home with them as a souvenir. Or use them to hold an intervention.
Torch needs to order the biggest debris dumpster available. Then tell David that he can only take items that fill a single shopping cart. The rest goes in the dumpster. Get the attendees to help with the effort and that dumpster will be filled in no time. Of course, mandatory tetanus shots may be required.
And they are allowed to take ANYTHING from the house as long as they can physically carry it 100 feet and cross a “finish line”.
Is there a subscription level where readers can pay and come on on the drive too.
Priceless experience – hopefully not for the wrong reasons.
Good Luck!
You mean the “show up with a U-Haul and several packs of contractor-grade Hefty bags” level?
“Have I told you about what his bathroom sink looks like? ”
In keeping with tradition, I suggest you pull the sink and put it in the dishwasher.
Something just seems wrong about lugging rotted out carcasses from the rustbelt out to sunshiny Cali. Aren’t there entire lots of old rest-free cars in CA ready for the picking. Or, is that the reason… to make it feel like home?
100% guarantee that Beetle had a non-standard heater.
The Beetle was stock, including the heater system, as sold in the Scandinavian countries; since the Beetle was provided by VW of Australia they had to source the Scandinavian spec parts before sending it to Antarctica but it was what one would have bought off the showroom floor at any VW dealership in, say, Oulu. So actually and technically 100% standard.
Like that made any difference. In my humble experience, an old Beetle’s heater will melt a styrofoam cup put on the floor behind the driver’s seat, but none of that heat will ever ever never reach the driver’s toes let alone his hands or face.
In that case being rear-engined actually helps. None of the Beetle’s heater components live behind the dashboard so RHD/LHD compatibility was a nonissue when putting the parts in an otherwise Aussie-spec car.
Nice shoutout to Antarctica One! Great picture; here’s another one with penguins for when you want to see life forms less unholy than the ones developing in the bathroom sink: https://d39a3h63xew422.cloudfront.net/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/22132144/polar-bug-when-the-volkswagen-beetle-conquered-antarctica-1476934029470-645×640.jpg
Owned a 1960 Beetle in that lovely ketchup colour once. It was also great snow fun! https://www.instagram.com/p/BwMJHpTFueh/
“Spirit car” is appropriation, it’s better to use the term “petrolnus”.
You’re a Saint, Jason! Either that, or the blackmail material David has on you is reeeeeealy good stuff.
and I have my beetle sitting in the garage just waiting for spring time and no salt on the roads.
There’s a great YT channel about life in the siberian city of Yakutia where they outline the steps they need to do to drive in -50C or colder weather. It’s pretty intense!
Doesn’t DT have any LOCAL friends with trucks? Jeez, Torch, you’re what, like 700 miles away from him?!?
I feel like I need to become good friends with Jason Torchinsky so he’ll drive up to MA to help me paint my bathroom ceiling.
So..he’s taking all those parts and junk with him to..an apartment?
His monthly storage bill is gonna be way more than it’s worth.
That might be what reduces his hoarding tendencies. It’s easy to hoard things when you have space, and it’s easier to sell or dispose of things when it costs you money to keep them.
I moved equipment this week in below freezing.. hell no to moving a one-man junkyard in that. There’s not enough questionably moist spaghetti in the world to pay for that.
Thankfully for you it’ll be nearly 4 times warmer on Sunday.
Today in Detroit frrrfrozen, next week mud.
Glad I didn’t renew my passport, so I have an excuse for not driving 120 miles in crap weather to eat cold pizza and freeze my hands and feet.
I wish you all well in this endeavor, just glad I’m not there. (-;
To be fair – Sunday will be nearly 40
Man, I would have thought the first round of help would have more than filled the lifetime quota for both you and Otto of helping David with anything ever again. You are either an exceptionally good friend or a masochists.
whynotboth.gif
I’m guessing when he heard the plan and weather forecast Otto suddenly became very concerned about not missing any school, bar mitzvah lessons, haircuts, grocery-shopping trips with Mom, and any and all other routine commitments that could possibly be pressed into service as a reason to nope out of this.
Moving sucks. Moving in 10 degree weather, well that gives a whole meaning to SUCKS. I wish you the best of luck
I feel like you should be able to claim DT as a dependent on your taxes this year. ????
Okay, no emojis in comments to cut the snark… noted.
Snark? I thought it was a valid question! 😉
the most stressful things in life are birth, death, changing job/school, marriage, kids, money, divorce and moving. free will involved in just some of those.
moving sux.
helping someone else move sux a little bit less…
Good stuff as always Torch. One thought though, did NO ONE think about requiring Tracy to get into some sort of therapy before you hitched your wagon to his “shit storm” of a life?
Seriously.
I had a dream the other night. The state of Ca. finally got wise and exiled his ass back to Mich. or any other state willing to accept his filthy ass. (nothing personal DT)
Which has me pondering another question. Who came first, the Pigpen guy in the Peanuts strip, or DT?
Time to burn one, as these type of questions are making my head hurt and it’s not even 8am…Safe travels amigo.
How did you manifest a dream about DT? Shower spaghetti too close to bedtime?
Walmart pre made deli food…
You might also need therapy. Dreaming about David being exiled doesn’t speak to great mental health.
Have healthy dreams like mine, where I had found a late eighties coupe I wanted, but it had a stereo that only played songs from 3.5″ floppies, each of which held one song. And I’d have to replace the whole dash to change that. That seems like a healthy and normal dream, right?
Okay, maybe we all need some help.
As other readers have suggested, the reader party may actually be the best way to get David packed up. The collective Autopian spirit (is that a thing? Let’s make it a thing) can get David out of that frozen mess he’s in for warmer weather.
This is really the most likely option.
In order to enter the house you have to take one item from it and put it in a box truck.
Probably not a great way to word that, you’d have all the light stuff loaded first, then the transmission cases and other assorted bits thrown in on top.
Make it more like a game. One beer or pizza ticket for every pound you load on the truck. The advantage of this is that stereotypically, it is the big burly guys that like to pound the most beer and pizza.
I’d come just to play a few rounds of flexplate discus throw.
Can we adapt a corn hole set from Meijer to be used with old starter motors?
I’m planning on attending, and I fully support this too
Should just let people take whatever they want when he has that party.
I thought the Autopian Spirit was a bottle of stuff I found called “Diesel Neutral Grain Spirit” which is just pure ethanol. Unless you’re in a state that won’t sell you consumable pure grain alcohol, then they cut it with water. No word if the water used is rain water or not, so if you’re trying to keep the commies from stealing your essence, you’ll need to be careful.