You may recall that back in May, there was a huge announcement that rested squarely at the intersection of sausages and automobiles, arguably the most important cultural intersection in modern society. That announcement was from Oscar Mayer, noted producer of hot dogs and other tubular delights, and operator of the world’s largest fleet of sausage-shaped automobiles. The announcement was that their famous Wienermobiles would be renamed “Frankmobiles.” When I covered this announcement in May, I called bullshit on the whole sordid mess. Because, come on, of course Oscar Mayer isn’t really changing the name of the Wienermobile! What would they stand to gain! It smelled of a dumb marketing stunt then, and now they’ve pretty much all but admitted it, changing the name back to Wienermobile after just a few ridiculous months. Did it get us all talking about the Wienermobile again, for a bit at least. Yes, it did. Did it debase the company, the Wienermobile, and the very concept of hot dogs themselves? No question.
The announcement of the return of the Wienermobile was made, like all important, serious announcements, on Instagram a day ago:
And while Oscar Mayer may claim that the summer has been “franktastic,” we know that’s just more horseshit. Their claim that we, the hot dog-consuming public, “missed this BUNderful icon” is a presumptuous BUNdle of crap, because it was never gone. Precisely 0.0 people during the period of time from May 2023 to Now 2023 that saw the Wienermobile driving by said “oooh, look, it’s the Frankmobile” because nobody fucking ever thought of it as the Frankmobile, and Oscar Mayer knew it. They knew it all along! They were just toying with us, for no good reason!
Oscar Mayer Wienermobile spokesperson Edwin Roland explained the return to the original name from the insipid detour to Good Morning America:
“We had never changed the name of the Wienermobile before and to celebrate our new 100% beef franks we were all on board in doing that, but we missed the name internally and we’re excited to bring it back. It didn’t cut the mustard — it’s the same mission but it’s comin’ back to Wienermobile.”
Oh, bullshit, Roland. I think you knew exactly what you were doing. I have to believe the fix was in from day one!
Remember, the Wienermobile has been a staple of sausageo-automobilia since 1936! Since before fucking WWII!
The hot dog-shaped car that everyone knows has been called the Wienermobile since Karel Capek, the man who coined the word “robot,” was alive. Orville Wright and Earnest Hemmingway and Curly from the Three Stooges were still alive. Oscar Mayer’s attempt to just change the name of this important cultural institution to, what, crow about how they have all beef parts crammed into those tubes is the most base form of cynical capitalism.
The Frankmobile. What a load of crap. It’s the Wienermobile, and it always will be, and Oscar Mayer is just toying with us, like we don’t even matter. I’m not going to stand for it. I called this for what it was back then, a callow marketing ploy that was doomed to fail, and that’s exactly what it has borne out to be. Did these motherfuckers think I was going to change the text on my huge back tattoo of the Wienermobile? Fat fucking chance. But what if I had? What about all those poor bastards that possibly did believe Oscar Mayer’s foul ruse, and changed their tattoos? Is the company willing to compensate them to return their Wienermobile tattoos to their original, accurate state? I hope so. There’s probably, what, thousands of people in that miserable situation as we speak.
You know what? I hope the American Novelty Meats Consortium officially censures them this year, and doesn’t invite them to the annual Sauce Sage of the Sausages performance and gathering this year. There needs to be consequences for toying with us so cynically and so needlessly.
Also, since we’re talking about the Wienermobile, we need to address something important and as yet unanswered about the current one:
What are the taillights on the current Wienermobile from? The previous generation had old Pontiac Firebird taillights, but this new one, with these sort of Altezza-style lights, these I can’t identify. They have a sort of 1990s Toyota Supra look, but the shape is different, as is the size and arrangement of the individual light elements. They look like aftermarket units of some kind. Hey, wait a minute – I found them!
The Wienermobile flips them upside-down from what is shown here, but these are the same taillights! Finally, one mystery solved! It also reveals a lie being perpetrated by Oscar Mayer the taillights are “custom made to help the hotdoggers drive safely” as reported to the Coeur d’Alene Press in 2019. They’re not custom! They’re off-the-shelf aftermarket lights for 1993 to 2002 Chevy Camaros!
More bullshit from Oscar Mayer. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.
(Btw, I’m currently reading an excellent book about hot dogs by Jamie Loftus called Raw Dog. It’s great, if you want some intense hot dog reading.)
I Don’t Think I Believe Oscar Mayer’s Reason For Changing The Name Of The Wienermobile
The Company That Invented Kit Kat Bars Once Made A Chocolate Bar Just For Driving
Watch Us Ruin A Car To Determine The Safest Foods To Eat While Driving
(This post contains an affiliate link to Amazon about hot dogs of all things, so, yeah, buy the hot dog book and we’ll make a little money – MH.)
The way the tail sticks up in the back always makes me wish these could pop a wheelie. The sight of that really might be too much, though
Torch’s articles are what made me join.
Real question: besides a religious preference, what is the point of an all beef hot dog? I can’t detect a difference in flavor. Is a cow’s asshole preferable to a pig’s asshole in ethical terms? I say one asshole’s as good as another when it comes to pretending that’s not what you’re eating.
Eat better hot dogs. Taste, texture, how they grill vs. fry up in a pan, all of that varies significantly between different meats and brands. If you can afford an extra $0.25 per hot dog, you can get a much better sausage.
100% pork hot dogs are great, but they’re rare. If it’s not 100% beef it usually includes a lot of chicken, which is gross.
Jason I’d pay $10 to watch you perform this schtick in person. Great stuff!
Ballpark is better anyway.
Nathans or nothing.
You misspelled Zweigle’s.
I’m here for the intense hot dog reading.
This is why I eat Zweigles
Internet high five! ✋
I never would have thought that Jason would be as passionate about meat product-themed vehicles as he is about taillights.
“Intense hot dog reading” is not a phrase I expected to read today, but here we are…lol.
I like the historical pictures of these. The 1936 version proudly proclaims that these are U.S. inspected German weiners! By 1940, absolutely NO mention of “German” weiners anywhere. I also like how the ’36 and ’40 models not only had a place for the driver in the middle, but also a spot for the “chef” to stand proudly at the very back of the vehicle, popping up like drunk teenagers in a limo going to prom.
It makes sense they’d be full of shit when their wieners are full of assholes.
Where’s the deep dive into the history of the Weinermobiles? Chassis and engines used throughout the years? Power? Performance specs? Mercedes are you listening?
If a teacher would drive the wienermobile in texas or florida would they get fired?
Only if they were female. And fuck Florida and Texas.
So now we’re back to weinertastic summers. I’ll sleep better knowing this.
Did Von Shtupp Motor Company ever make a Schnitzelgrubenmobile?
Vat a nice guy. Sigh.
Attack of the Wiener Man by Here Come The Mummies
This is the type of hard-hitting journalism that I come to The Autopian for.
Jason’s rants, are quite entertaining and a fun read (usually).
I saw one drive by me once. I so badly wanted to go down the road.
There had better be a bed in back for 13 year old me making jokes.
give it a few months and it’ll be the glizzy mobile
This is Oscar Meyer less artfully trying to pull the same stunt Planters did with the whole “Mr. Nut died” thing and replacing him with the baby nut only for oh wow golly gee he’s not actually dead, baby nut is irrelevant now.
New Coke has entered the chat.
I prefer Weiner Classic over New Frank
Aren’t they mazda 6 tail lights>?
That was a dick move.
You can thank their marketing director Peter Johnson.
I thought it was the communication director Richard Frank?
Please tell me you guys are working with Oscar Meyer’s PR department to get Torch an interview with Mr Edwin Roland.
They are taking sides in a German language debate. Are you a Wiener sausage (that Austrian city of Vienna) or a Frankfurter (you know, that banking city of Germany). That is all. Up in Hamburg they ate patties, so we can avoid talking about them.
Look. All this comes back to the US having done the ultimate cancel culture on German and now not knowing how to avoid dick jokes when talking about sausages. It’s cultural ignorance layered on top of teen humor, acted out at the corporate level. It’s stupid.
Let’s be honest. If the bad guys had won the war, we’d still be telling those dick jokes. We’d just be doing it from a Gulag somewhere.
Toilet humor is as American as french fries and hamburgers. Wait…
Don’t ever change, Torch.
Only change to out weird us all.