Welcome back to Shitbox Showdown! Yesterday, in the comments, several of you suggested that since I had done ranged weapons, I should follow it up with cars named after melee weapons. Well, hold on to your d20s, because today we’re going to attack with a pair of cars named after weapons of close combat. Yesterday’s contenders were from the same parent company; today’s are from the same year.
There was lots of love for the little golden Arrow in yesterday’s comments, but it didn’t translate to votes. I had high hopes for that little car; I’d seen it for sale for quite a while, and I was just waiting for the right opportunity to feature it. Personally, I think it’s way cool, even with the automatic, but having come of age in the era of turbochargers and digital dashboards, I can’t resist that Laser.
It really is in remarkable shape for that price, and I hope it finds its way to a new owner who appreciates it – that is, doesn’t abuse it, but doesn’t lock it away in a garage like some princess in a tower either.
Today’s contestants aren’t quite so pampered. They’re workhorses, both of them, with big lazy engines, soft-shifting automatics, and comfy seats. One wears the battle scars of a life in the city, while the other has eaten up many miles on the highways and byways. One carries the name of a bludgeoning weapon, the other edged. Which one will emerge victorious? I guess we’ll see.
1998 Ford Club Wagon – $1,900
Engine/drivetrain: 4.6 or 5.4 liter overhead cam V8, four-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Visalia, CA
Odometer reading: 312,000 miles
Runs/drives? “Still going strong”
Ford’s E-Series is a legend. Dodge and Chevy vans may be cooler, but when you want to get shit done, you turn to an Econoline. And if you want your Econoline to haul people instead of roofing or plumbing supplies, you spec it with seats and windows and it becomes the Club Wagon. It’ll haul the whole family on vacation, or your daughter’s volleyball team, or your weird cousin’s bluegrass band, and still have room left over. And these suckers last: they may have been replaced by the Transit in Ford’s lineup, but Ford built millions of them; you’ll be seeing them on the road for decades to come, I predict.
This fourth-generation Club Wagon was built after the first of two facelifts over its long life, so it benefits from a much nicer interior than the early models, and the newer, more powerful overhead cam “Triton” V8. The seller doesn’t specify whether this one is a 4.6 liter or a 5.4, but either way, it’s the early two-valve design, not the less-reliable later three-valve revision. An overdrive automatic was the only transmission available on E-Series vans by this point, so that’s what you get here. Strangely, however, in researching these vans, I found out you could get a three-on-the-tree manual in an Econoline as late as 1986.
This is the fancy “Chateau” model, so no mere bench seat for second-row passengers. This thing has four captain’s chairs, and a three-seat bench behind them, giving a total seating capacity of seven. It’s a far cry from the extended-length fifteen-passenger “church van” version, but I bet this one is a hell of a lot more comfortable. The interior looks remarkably clean, especially for more than 300,000 miles.
Outside, it’s mighty clean too, except for a few bumps and bruises. The UC-Davis sticker on the back bumper tells me the miles on this thing are probably mostly highway; Visalia and Davis are about 250 miles apart, and I bet this van knows the route by heart. Except for questionable gas mileage, I imagine it’s a pretty great way to eat up freeways.
1998 Buick LeSabre – $3,000
Engine/drivetrain: 3.8 liter overhead valve V6, four-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Hollywood, CA
Odometer reading: 159,000 miles
Runs/drives? Of course
Further south, on the mean streets of Los Angeles, we find this beige Buick. Another legendarily durable vehicle, this sofa-on-wheels is powered by everyone’s favorite low-tech V6: the 3800 Series II. This ninety-degree cast-iron lump puts 205 horsepower to the front wheels, and reputedly returns up to 30 miles per gallon doing it. Naturally, like the van, this one’s only transmission option is a four-speed automatic. But can you imagine this marshmallow with a stickshift? Actually, that might be kind of fun… but it’s not a option.
This car demonstrates the difference between a comfortable car and a luxury car. Buick is not an aspirational brand; it’s a nice car for working-class guys like my grandfather, who came home from World War II with a Purple Heart and a lot of stories he wouldn’t tell unless he was drunk, went straight to work in a coal-fired power plant, and treated himself to a new Skylark every time they changed the body style. It’s a bit of softness for folks who live in a hard world, not a coddling overpriced toy for those already surrounded by it. This is a car you earn. Maybe that’s why it’s a favorite of retirees.
This one has seen better days, but it still has some miles to cover. The color is worn off the steering wheel and the seams on the leather have popped, but the Dynaride suspension still floats over bumps, and I bet the air conditioning even still works. As the seller points out, that sort of isolation is perfect for the daily grind of Los Angeles traffic. I do, however, find it funny that one of the other things they point out is the fact that it has four ashtrays. It’s important to some, I suppose – I just hope they haven’t been too well used. Cigarette smoke is a tough smell to get out of a car.
Outside, it’s, well, beige. It’s not an unattractive car, just a forgettable one, and sometimes that has its advantages as well. Other drivers will ignore you in traffic, you can park it more or less anywhere and no one will mess with it, it’s great. You won’t impress anyone at the valet stands in a town like LA, but screw those people.
I’m a big fan of vehicles like these: comfortable, useful, honest, unpretentious. They put in the work, year in and year out, mile after mile, and don’t ask much in return except a little maintenance. I actually kind of hate to pit them against each other, because I think they would make a hell of a $5,000 two-car garage. But that’s what we do here, so the time has come for you to choose. Which will it be?
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
I voted Buick for nostalgia. An elderly family member had one that I inherited for various reasons. What a shockingly nice car for a young guy. People didn’t give it second looks hypermiling in the right lane. My best ever tank was 39 mpg and it could routinely average 33-34 mpg tanks.
This one probably has the 3.27 gears and not the 2.86’s. So not a mileage champ but quicker off the line. It was probably a little firmer riding from the factory since they had a regular and “sport” suspension shared with the Bonneville.
Gutting the interior on this car is simple. And gut it you will. Then put a tune on it, change the upper intake and lower intake gaskets and enjoy a comfortable sleeper.
I absolutely was going to vote Buick until I saw the inside of it. I can smell it from here. I’ll take the van.
Switch the prices, and it’s still van all day long.
I’m gonna jam econo(line). I see the 7-way trailer connector so I’ll bet it’s already set up nicely to tow. And then off to find a band I like and offer myself as the roadie.
A ’98 LeSabre got me through college and law school. It drove from Ohio to New Orleans to Orlando and back for my honeymoon (all while needing an intake).
I absolutely loved that car and miss it. I will never not vote for a LeSabre. It was insanely comfortable and reliable for as old as it was
The van Ford beats the Buick in cubic feet per dollar.
And with the price of housing in California, I think the van’s owner is missing an opportunity to rent the van as an apartment for at least $1,900/month.
Become a vandlord!
Van. Not only is the van a better buy from a retained value perspective, but I can taste the cigarette smell just from looking at the photos.
All else being equal, I’d rather have a luxury sedan than a van. The van is just way too much vehicle for me.
I’d also rather have anything else than a smoker’s car, so I’ll have the big juicy van.
Taking the van, although I wanted to take the Buick. The price is just to high for that car.
Used to drive one of those vans as an airport shuttle, so gotta go nostalgia.
Both, please. If I could have found a decent 4WD version of the Econoline van for under $25k I might have purchased one instead of the Suburban, as the van format is great for road tripping and hauling gear. The Buick is a perfectly fine daily driver.
I know that we all rag about automatic transmissions but that’s what belongs in both of these, and bonus points that they are column shifters in these models rather than taking up floor space.
I voted the Club Wagon as being cheaper and potentially more useful to me and also out of some fears of a smoked-in interior on the Buick, but there’s not really a bad choice here.
I’ll take the bludgeoning van. It’s a lot more useful to me at this point.
Club Wagon uses “club”
It’s super-effective!
LeSabre rolls to defend…. (*3*)
LeSabre takes a hard club straight the Buick emblem.
Club Wagon is victories.
Club Wagon searches LeSabre.
Club Wagon finds seven quarters, a golf cap and a Hall & Oates cassette tape.
Level Up!
Club Wagon is now Mace Wagon.
Someone else wasted many happy late-night hours in the college computer lab too, I see.
You have no idea. If we know each other from a Mush I’m going to flip.
I came in thinking neither, but that van isn’t half bad. . .
I had almost that same LeSabre, but a 97 with cloth seats. It really did get 30mpg on the highway and was a super comfortable cruiser. I ended up with it at the tail end of college. It was a company car of a co-worker of my dad and had accumulated about 80,000 miles in a year and a half, as well as hail damage over the whole car. So it was cheap but only a couple years old. It served me well for a couple years and I traded it in for what I had bought it for a few years later after I started having some odd problems with it (probably an ECU thing) that no mechanic could figure out. That was a rarity though, because these were considered one of the most reliable cars at the time.
Hide your baby seals, because I want that Club.*
*Anyone who kills or profits from the killing of baby seals can go die of ass cancer
Well you know the seal population needs controlled so the pups won’t starve. But government and tree huggers forced no guns so choose pups starving to death and the seals die out or clubs, or say fu to environmentalists with no common sense.
Van all the way. Just so much more useful to my life. Sure the gas mileage will suck and it won’t be as comfortable but I’d use it for van and truck things all the time.
You won’t find a truck for less than that van. Perfect for truck duties and you can lock it.
I’ll take the boxiest of the two shitboxes: Club Van.
Thanks for running with the melee weapon idea. 🙂
Van, please!
It appears to be in good shape, I’m not terribly concerned about the high mileage, and not having the three-valve engine is a definite plus. I would pull the second and third rows of seats and use it to haul motorcycles and stuff to events: lots of lockable storage with tinted windows would be very handy.
I do find it amusing that the rear-view mirror is sitting on the front passenger’s sear next to a roll of packing tape. Hope that’s not how they’re planning to fix it. 🙂
The Buick looks very tired and, as others have said, if the owner was a chain smoker that’s a hard pass.
An old wheelchair-accessible minivan with the ramp at the rear is the perfect motorcycle hauler (assuming you want the bike inside your vehicle and not on a trailer). This Club Van is more suited to couches, pianos, record player consoles, or other large, semi-liftable objects.
That’s a good idea, and I do indeed want to have the bike(s) inside the van.
Fortunately the ones I would haul around are quite small (sub-500cc) and old, so if I removed the mirrors they should fit pretty well in da Club.
Looking at the van more closely, I could probably fit two in there as well as some stuff. One could go with the front wheel immediately behind the driver’s seat and the other could go on the passenger’s side with the back wheel just inside the rear doors, or diagonally across the cargo area. That would leave some floor space for stuff inside the sliding door.
I wish the van were closer. 🙁
The (Le)Sabre has the edge for me!!
See what I did there? Did you see it? Did you?!?
I’ll show myself out…
Proof the LeSabre is not a dull car
I’m gonna take a stab in the dark, but I think you made a pun.
Such sharp wit.
Cut it out with the puns.
Puns are always good for a jab of humor!
Yep, the Buick would be perfect for a Blade Runner ( ͡• ͜ʖ ͡• )
So, you’re saying the van is pointless? To be blunt, you’re likely right, but it does make an impression.
To be blunt, the van isn’t pointless, but there’s no need to hammer it home to make an impact.
Shillelagh
You, ah, made your point
The pull of the 3800 is strong, but the interior of that van is shockingly nice. We’ll take the (Honky) Chateau.
I could use a truck/van and that one is cheap, runs and looks nice enough inside/out to not to be an eyesore when parked, as it usually would be.
By my display name alone, you already know which one I’d pick.
Funny enough, myself or close family have had very close analogues for either of those over the years–a 2000 LeSabre and a 1999 E-150 8-passenger model (two bench rows).
The LeSabre was nice for what it was but it needed a new transmission at one point…not great. But shifted smoothly when it worked.
Cool they got the van to 300,000. And with a pristine rear bumper, it seems, too.
Our record-holder for the 3 my family owned over the years got to 240,000 although it might’ve had a mildly rougher life than average on some of the bumpier roads in Pennsylvania.
When did the switch from 2-valve to 3 happen? I’m perpetually on the lookout for used conversion E-series but would love something newer than the ’97 I used to have.
Wish Ford hadn’t gotten rid of the Club Wagon name for ’99. I like the idea of some reusable joke akin to “hey, wanna join my exclusive club?”
The downside to a window van is it’s a window van. Window vans are too hot in the summer and too cold in the winter, plus if you want to outfit the thing the canvas isn’t blank. Window vans aren’t useless for hauling stuff, but bring so many compromises.
Whining aside, this one appears to be in good shape for 300K miles.
My ’97 conversion served me well many times for vacations, day trips, and helping people move, but also band and DJ gigs. And while it wasn’t quick to heat up or cool down, it got there eventually. Might be 15 or more minutes of driving before blasting the heat is feasible on a freezing winter day, but after that point it gradually gets to a desirable temperature.
I won’t buy a car that has been smoked it and the carpet of the buick looks like there is lots of remnants of cigarette ash. So, the van it is today.
Exactly where my mind went too. That Buick is gross.
Agreed. It puts the “ass” in “nasty”.
I came here to say the same thing. I’ve owned ex-smoker cars before when I couldn’t afford better, but that is no longer the case. That leather has all the hallmarks of smoke and ash discoloring, as do the carpets. Hard pass.