I’ve long been an advocate for the idea that, when anthropomorphizing a car, the only reasonable place for the eyes are the headlights. Sure, some organizations will push forward the debased idea that the windshield makes more sense to house eyes, but we know that’s just a psyop designed to distract everyone from the humanoid amphibians that control the world, or something like that. There are now products on the market that quite clearly reinforce the headlights-as-eyes concept, but I’m not sure that I can, in good conscience, endorse them. They’re called “Devil Eyes” or “Demon Eyes” and holy clams are they creepy.
Our own cranky Brit designer Adrian spotted these on Temu, the noted reseller of top-notch, ideal quality electronics, like the pacemaker I got from Temu that gets weirdly hot and makes a high-pitched beeping almost nonstop, even after I replace the four nine-volt batteries it runs on.
These Demon Eyes, though, they’re a whole different thing: they seem to be round projector-type lenses with round LCD displays behind them that display animations of human-looking eyes, complete with sclera, irises, and pupils:
These seem to be sized to fit into projector-type light units that are inset into many modern headlamp designs. I don’t think these are actually able to cast any useful light to see by, so my guess is these are likely not so very legal .
As excited as I am to have the proper car-eye location displayed, there’s still something deeply creepy about these things. Headlights as eyes on cars work because they’re still fundamentally car parts, parts that just resemble eyes because of their shape and location; your brain and imagination does the rest.
I do, however, like the implication that these would make fantastic mother’s day gifts, though. What mom’s face wouldn’t light up at the thought of mammalian-looking eyeballs in their car!
I think the point is that once you start replacing headlights with actual, biological-looking eyeballs, then everything changes, and what once looked friendly and relatable now starts to look creepy. I used this very approach, in a really low-tech context, to make my old LeMons race car look creepier:
See those plastic, bloodshot eyeballs? I’m sure that added like 20 hp to the car.
I actually think these high-tech versions tend to look even creepier than the crude plastic ball ones; look at one of these in the installed context of a headlight:
The way its set deeply in there reminds me of a post I did at the Old Site about a decade ago, called Cars With Steve Buscemi’s Eyes, a play on that Steve Buscemi’s eyes meme. The cars I made with those eyes looked like this:
… and that’s not so different than what those Demon Eyes look like, really.
Anyway, you should probably order these right away, before the tariffs on creepy electronic car eyes go into effect.
Torch, get it right. Distraction psy ops are done by humanoid lizards, not humanoid amphibians. But other than that, you are completely right
First I would advertise them as great mother in law gifts. Hey poor lighting get in an accident who doesn’t hate their MIL? Now Jason you need to read directions. Those TEMU pacemakers run on G batteries. Is your wife buying 9 volts for you? Might I suggest reaching out to your Changali friends in case your wife has TEMU friends
I saw a semi with eyes in the windshield driving down 495 in MA the other night. It was actually pretty awesome to see a blacked out truck with the eyes looking around flying down the highway! Not sure how that worked without reflecting on the windshield.
They’re super flexible screens that stick right on the windshield.
Oh! For Mother’s day! Just what my mom wants, an unholy abomination!
It’s what she got when I was born!
I’m afraid JT just made this happen
Only tangentially related, a few years back I recall seeing quite a few cars tooling around LA sporting eyelashes above the headlights. Not just VW Beetles either. That fad mercifully seems to have come and gone.
I have a message from Sally Carrera. “My eyes are up here, Stud!”
I have a message from Dolly Parton my breasts are down here Stud.
I’m fascinated by the marginal point where desirability of car customization goes negative.
Like how a fair amount of people think that Jeeps should have angry eyes all the time, but not to this point. Or how everyone seems to love the idea of optional tents that affix to vehicles, but nobody ends up actually buying them, making them rare oddities later.
I’m here once again to comment Jason couldn’t be more wrong about vehicle eye placement. Windshield is the way and these rejects from Big Trouble in Little China prove my point even more so.
Susie the Little Blue Coupe and One Cab’s Family clearly established the proper placement over 70 years ago.
Thanks, I hate everything about this nightmare fuel.
If they are calibrated with the wheel to look in the direction of a turn that would be even more creepy.
Or to follow pedestrians using external sensors!
Anything more than playful pupils is trying too hard and loses whimsy.
Jason, not sure if you are aware of this made in 1965 by the man that did the special effects for THE BLOB;
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFU7E0ZdLt8
The electronic ones are hilarious. That Steve Buscemi-eyed thing in the bottom pic has me rethinking the burrito I had for lunch.
They’ll seize you, they’ll unease you
All the better just to freeze you
They’re ferocious, and they know just what it
Takes to make your pee gush
All your fears say they’re alive, these fraught yeti devil’s eyes.
Ah, the eighties! The music of my youth. Thanks for the reminder Canopysaurus! 🙂
I wonder if anyone makes a Sauron model.
I wish to replace the taillights on my ’71 deVille with them if anyone does. The shape is just about right.
Quick, someone get Mercedes Streeter a set for her motorcycles!
I wonder if they can be hacked out of the uncanny valley over the hills to the Toontown Basin. Maybe replace the too-realistic iris with 8-bit solid color?
Matt, if you’re reading this, Jason needs to expense a set. Hopefully before the de minimis exemption ends.
Can’t wait to put 4 of these on a rack across the front of a base Lancer with Evo badges.
The Morgan Aero 8 NEEDS these.
This reminds, after considering how much fun it would be to rig up the home security system so that if burglars enter the house the blinds all close, all the lights go dark, and forty pairs of these things turn on one by one (Home Alone-style hilarity ensues) — Didn’t Torch win an auction for about 200 box taillight sets? Did anything come of it? Are they stashed in an abandoned car in Detroit with a bunch of cats having kittens? (The cats, not the taillights)
Jason, are you familiar with the phrase “uncanny valley?” I think you’re experiencing that effect. From wikipedia:
“The uncanny valley hypothesis predicts that an entity appearing almost human will risk eliciting eerie feelings in viewers.”
Someone with a Tucker 48 has an opportunity to do the funniest thing…
Eyes in the headlights… yeah right. Didn’t you see how Mater reacted to that car in France? Like she was a genetic freak or something.
JT,
I am replying here b/c of the low comments so far, just to give you a FYI. T-Mobile is giving away a VW ID Buzz this week on their app. If you don’t have TMo, you can still enter on their website, I believe. Just google it.
Hope you win! Even if you don’t, and I do, I’ll let you know 🙂
T-Mobile just dropped me because I found it possibly difficult to re-up my plan for my cell Wi-Fi that I use for commissioning audiovisual racks. Screw those guys.
I must have missed the Steve Buscemeyes on Cars bit, but I love it. We just need to match them with movies.
Beetle = Airheads
Morgan Roadster = Trees Lounge
Fisker Karma = Pulp Fiction
VW Squareback = Fargo
Lucid Air = Con Air
97 Ford Taurus = Big Fish
Tesla Model 3 = Boss Baby
Tesla Cybertruck = Plan 9 From Outer Space
Not “Mars Attacks”?
No…… Since MuSSK wants to attack Mars…..
Petition to prohibit gifs in top shots because I am a grump.
(It also makes the site look like a mid-aughts PUNCH THE MONKEY TO WIN A PS3 or the dancing-skeleton HOMEOWNERS ARE USING THIS ONE WEIRD TRICK ADHD-addled site. Not quite geocities, but enough to know the site was not exactly getting top-tier ad bids.)
Petition to change all top shots to jump-scare gifs, because I’m a jerk.
Where do I sign?
For me it’s that the motion is super distracting and I want to get it off my screen as quickly as possibly. Factor in that it doesn’t add anything to the experience – 3 frames of a trailer endlessly cycling back and forth adds what, exactly? – and it’s just a thing that I wish would go away. It’s especially distracting for things that don’t loop cleanly.