In Case You Were Curious, These Are The CHMSLs That Most Remind One Of Smurf Knockoffs

The other day I was at Ruddy Glow, a new taillight bar that just opened up around here to deal with the massive growth of taillight enthusiasts, which was causing bars like Flashing Amber’s and The Crimson Lamp to be unreasonably packed, night after night, leading to lots of chaos and brawls, because you know how taillight freaks are. This new bar seems to have become a favorite of the CHMSL/third brake light sub-sub-culture, and that’s who made up most of the crowd.

Now, what made things more complicated on this night was that the space the Ruddy Glow took over was the old Indigo Shroom, the only Smurf-enthusiast bar in the state. The Smurf bar had to close because of all the stabbings – I’m sure you read about that – but word of the closing hadn’t really gotten out to all of the Smurf-fetishist community, so there was a large group of Smurfers there that night, drunk and confused and upset to find their main hangout was now under new ownership.

Really, this was a recipe for disaster, and I should have clocked it from the start. I was sitting at the bar, nursing a gin-and-20W-50, uneasily watching this disgruntled group of smurfers growing less and less gruntled and more and more drunk. Meanwhile, the CHMSL Chippies were just getting more and more rowdy. At some point something was going to make these two groups clash.

And then it happened. The CHMSLs conversation turned to a favorite topic of theirs, early and unusual adaptations of third brake lights to some iconic designs that were never intended to have third brake lights, like the Porsche 911. Remember, the law that decreed CHMLs (Center High Mounted Stop Lamp) were required was introduced in 1985, for the 1986 model year.

If you need a reminder of the importance of CHMSLs, maybe take a moment to read the “Executive Summary” section of the NHTS/DOT document, The Long-Term Effectiveness of Center High Mounted Stop Lamps in Passenger Cars and Light Trucks, the CHMSL project is described as such:

Center High Mounted Stop Lamps (CHMSL) have been standard equipment on all new passenger cars sold in the United States since model year 1986 and all new light trucks since model year 1994, as required by Federal Motor Vehicle Safety Standard 108. The purpose of CHMSL is to safeguard a car or light truck from being struck in the rear by another vehicle. When brakes are applied, the CHMSL sends a conspicuous, unambiguous message to drivers of following vehicles that they must slow down. NHTSA was especially encouraged to promulgate the CHMSL regulation in 1983 by three highly successful tests of the lamps in taxicab and corporate fleets, showing 48 to 54 percent reductions of “relevant” rear-impact crashes in which the lead vehicle was braking prior to the crash, as reported by the study participants. Since nearly two-thirds of all rear impact crashes involve pre-impact braking by the lead vehicle, these results are equivalent to a 35 percent reduction of rear-impact crashes of all types.

Okay, so, the CHMSL folks were excitedly talking and sharing pictures of the first attempt by Porsche to integrate a CHMSL into the 911. This design is sort of notorious among both the CHMSL community and the Porsche community for its striking look, which is both loved and hated. Really, it’s a pretty straightforward solution:

See that? It’s just a little rectangular-ish red brake light, inset into a little stand that stands the light up from the bodywork. This had to be the quickest and cheapest acceptable solution Porsche could come up with on short notice, and while it looks pretty tacked on, it has its own certain charm about it.

A common nickname for this light unit is the snorkel, because it does resemble a snorkel, and that association is what led to one of the CHMSL geeks to note that this 911 third brake light sure reminded them of the Snorks.

Do you remember the Snorks? It’s probably unlikely. These were the Snorks:

The comparison is pretty apt, really. I mean, look:

As you may have inferred, the Snorks were a pretty direct Smurfs knockoff. It was perhaps even more direct than you may realize, because the same guy who produced the original Smurfs animated series, Freddy Monnickendam, was also the same guy who started the Snorks to compete with the Smurfs!

You see, Monnickendam helped negotiate the rights for a Smurfs cartoon between the Belgian artist who came up with the Smurfs, Peyo, and Hanna-Barbera. Peyo wanted the cartoon to remain close to the original Smurfs source material, but Monnickendam wanted something with a broader, more mainstream appeal, and they clashed over that, and over money, to the point where Monnickendam created the Snorks in 1984 just to compete with the Smurfs.

By the way did you know that Smurfs first appeared in 1958? I had no idea they were that old!

Anyway, as you may imagine, there is little more infuriating to a hardcore Smurfer than any mention of the Snorks. So, when this drunk and belligerent group of Smurf-enthusiasts heard the CHMSLs going on and on about Snorks in something even close to a favorable context, they collectively lost their shit.

Within moments the bar went from being just sort of loud and low-key boisterous to all-our chaos. The blue-and-white clad Smurfers leapt, enmasse, into the group of CHMSLs, grabbing hair and punching and kicking, teeth clamping down into unsuspecting forearms and shoulders, all flailing limbs and banshee shrieks of SMURF THE MOTHERSMURFERS UP and SMURF THEM IN THEIR SMURFING SMURFS!

It was horrific. Eventually the lesser-injured CHMSLs were able to realize what was going on and fight back, and eventually all the bar’s patrons had to help restrain and corral the livid, hysterical Smurfers until the cops finally arrived.

I had part of my earlobe bitten off by one of these loons! Luckily, I was able to replace it with a wad of the emergency Silly Putty I keep on me at all times, but still, this was unhinged, even for the usual low standards of a taillight bar.

I think there’s a lesson here: just to be safe, don’t bring up ’86 to ’89 Porsche 911s to anyone you suspect of being really into the Smurfs. Especially if they’ve been drinking.