Welcome back! This week, we’re looking at apocalypse-proof rides, the sort of thing you can use to flee from zombies or battle Lord Humungus. Yesterday we looked at trucks; today we’re giving the four-door sedans their moment to shine.
I don’t know what I was expecting yesterday, but a close race wasn’t it. I thought one or the other would emerge as the clear victor, but instead we have another result decided by a handful of votes. By a razor-thin margin, you chose to ride the Express to the end of the world, largely due to its higher security, smaller size, and better maneuverability, it sounds like.
That’s the right choice for this assignment, I think. That dually would be a lot more fun – as long as you didn’t have to park it in tight quarters – but the van is the smarter idea here. (Stupid apocalypse, ruining everybody’s fun.) In this scenario, a big enclosed space is more useful than a big open bed, and since it’s an automatic, there’s no worry that your plucky sidekick won’t be able to drive it out of a tight spot if necessary.
One of the toughest assignments you can give any car is taxicab duty. They get driven hundreds of thousands of miles over the same roads over and over again, spend hours idling or sitting stuck in traffic, and are usually treated badly, both by riders and drivers. So it stands to reason that two of the most successful taxicabs of all time would make good choices for a tough end-of-the-world ride. And here they are.
1977 Mercedes-Benz 300D – $2,500
Engine/drivetrain: 3.0-liter overhead cam diesel inline 5, four-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Oakland, CA
Odometer reading: 171,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well, but sometimes starts hard
Imagine a car so versatile it’s equally at home carrying mid-level executives to meetings in San Francisco as it is taking tourists from the airport to their hotel in Nairobi. Imagine a car so well-built that its company’s marketing department reportedly told the engineers to knock it off and build them cheaper because repeat customers were taking too long to replace it. And imagine it’s powered by an engine that will not only run for a million miles but can do so on fuel made from waste cooking oil with a little modification. That car is the W123-chassis Mercedes-Benz 300D.
The secret to the 300D’s success is its brilliant engine, a five-cylinder diesel with a mechanical fuel injection pump. It’s a cast-iron monster of an engine, with very little to go wrong, as long as you keep it oiled and cooled. This one has only 171,000 miles on it, which is about a fifth as much as most of the 300Ds still running around Africa. Probably a lot easier miles, too. It has had a bunch of recent work done, and it runs fine, but there is something wonky with the ignition switch, or wiring. You sometimes have to hold the key down for a bit before it starts cranking, according to the seller. But if necessary, you could probably exorcise that particular gremlin with a push-button for the starter.
It’s not as nice inside as it once was – it’s definitely more on the “Nairobi taxi” end of the spectrum than the “junior partner” end – but most of the fabled M-B Tex upholstery is intact, and the seat cushions don’t look saggy. It has a few issues with wiring in the instrument panel, namely the fuel gauge and oil pressure gauge, but neither of those will keep you from driving it. There’s no radio, and whether or not the complicated vacuum-controlled HVAC system works is anyone’s guess.
The W123’s only real natural enemy is rust, but a northern California car like this should be pretty clean underneath. The paint is fried, but for our purposes that doesn’t matter. That timeless Bruno Sacco styling doesn’t really matter either, but you would hope that the bands of marauders would take a moment to acknowledge your fine taste.
2001 Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptor – $3,500
Engine/drivetrain: 4.6-liter overhead cam V8, four-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Gilroy, CA
Odometer reading: 133,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
At one point, it looked as though the Crown Victoria might very well be the “last of the V8 Interceptors.” Chevy was peddling front-wheel-drive V6 Impalas as cop cars, and Ford’s own replacement was a V6 Explorer. But then Chevy brought out the Australian-built Caprice PPV, and Dodge offered both the Charger and Durango Pursuit, all of which kept the V8 faith for a while. Chevy bowed out in 2017, leaving the final V8 cop car in this country wearing a “Hemi” badge. But when you mention a “cop car,” the first thing that comes to most people’s minds is still a Crown Vic. And the whole time they were the de-facto cop car in the US, they were the de-facto taxicab as well.
The Police Interceptor, or CVPI or P71 for short, looks like a standard-issue Crown Vic, but it has a whole bunch of little improvements that make it stronger, faster, and better-handling. I’ve driven both, and while the P71 is no sports car, there’s a night-and-day difference between this and the floaty grandpa version. It’s a little quicker, due to a slight horsepower bump and a lower rear-axle gear ratio, and it shifts a little harder, too. It has a bigger radiator, as well as external coolers for the oil, transmission, and even power steering. This one runs and drives well, and has only 133,000 miles on it, which is nothing compared to some taxis I’ve seen.
Most police cars had plastic back seats, a divider between the seats, and a whole bunch of holes drilled all over for various bits of cop equipment. This one, however, was an undercover detective’s car, so it never had any of that. Of course, it still screams “cop car,” but that can’t be helped. It’s still pretty clean inside, and the seller says everything works.
It’s rust-free, straight, and has a clean title, so it seems like a good starting point for whatever you want to do to it. Ironically, the seller mentions the lack of a front bull bar as a positive, but for our purposes, it would be better if it had one. Oh well. All you have to do is find some weird guy with a grizzled beard and a welder, and he’ll fix you up.
Thriving in tough environments is what these cars do, so it makes sense that they would be good choices for the toughest environment of them all. On the one hand, you have a car that can run on garbage fuel, but can only outrun George Romero zombies, not the speedy 28 Days Later kind. On the other hand, you have plenty of speed and power, but you’ll have to find gasoline for it. Which one seems like a better way to go?
The Crown Vic. Pull in behind someone on the freeway and watch them let you by! Just for a second l ……LOL
How is these even a question? One car you can get parts for at any junkyard and/or parts store in North America. Literally hundreds upon hundreds of thousands (millions?) of parts sources abound. The other is a nearly 50 year old Mercedes Benz. Hands down. Crown Vic. End poll.
But it’s kinda moot. Because within a year of a zombie apocalypse gas and diesel cars will not matter. Gas will be used up or going bad and diesel will take too long to find/refine from grease. You gotta stay mobile and quick. You’d be better off with something running on wood gas. Trees will still grow and fire can still be made.
The Benz.
I once owned its successor, the 300 SDL. That old tank could keep up with the Crown Vic, at least on the highway. Stock, with 250k miles on the odometer, it would do slightly over 120 mph on flat ground without issue. 40-70 mph acceleration was like that of a car of similar weight but with 30% more horsepower because it was in its powerband for that duration thanks to the broad and delicious torque curve enabled by the turbo. Then I put a taller rear end from a V8 W126 in it to make it is top speed faster as well as improve highway fuel economy. It survived hundreds of hours of triple-digit abuse at my hands on backroads, on top of thousands of hours of normal driving, and still didn’t die.
The 300D can always have an injector pump tuning with larger diameter threads. The 3.0L 5-cylinder turbodiesel can handle about 300 horsepower on stock internals. Having to adjust the valves every year or so of driving it would be annoying(my 300 SDL had hydraulic compensators, so that was not a worry for me). But this slug of an automobile has the potential to be frighteningly quick without greatly adversely effecting its lifespan.
Can’t find fuel? Used transmission fluid or brake fluid can be mixed in. So can kerosene. With modification, you could even run it in part on propane. There’s always used cooking oil and pressed seed oil, so its fuel can even be grown. It’s highly versatile in terms of fuel availability. Aside from solar-charged electric vehicles that haven’t been destroyed by EMP, bicycles, whatever cars can be cobbled together from scrap with DIY engines made to run by burning wood, or any horses that haven’t been butchered and eaten, this Benz will be among the last vehicles on the roads, while the Crown Vic would make an excellent chicken coop in its second life unless it has been converted to run on DIY ethanol or methanol.
Going with the Crown Vic. Had a 300 TD and was only so-so on it. Stuff was always breaking (not the engine or tranny, of course) and the veggie oil system was a pain in the butt to maintain. I’ve always liked the looks of those Fords and this one has a lot of the stuff I’d want on it.
Plus, the 300D will be too slow to outrun the zombies.
“an engine that will not only run for a million miles but can do so on fuel made from waste cooking oil”
Mark, you are making this too easy. Obviously, any sensible person would choose the vehicle that can run off a wide variety of fuel sources. Gas will run out and/or go bad over time. The Ford has maybe a year to run after the refineries turn off. I will be able to keep fueling the Benz well after the last of the zombie hordes die off.
I’m starting to think I should keep a Benz like this in my garage just in case. $2500 is cheap insurance against any number of extinction level crises. Those of you choosing the Ford are doing so at your own peril.
I’m taking that Crown Vic to Sweden and getting all the babes!
Tough call today as both of these will run till the sun goes out if you take care of the maintenance on them. But for apocalypse duty, I have to go with the Mercedes since I can fill the tank with olive oil if I have to, or just empty the fryers in McDonalds all over the world and have the exhaust smell like french fries.