I don’t normally go into Wheelie bars –you know, the clubs and bars that cater to the wheel, rim, and tire enthusiasts – since I’m kept plenty busy just trying to keep up with taillight culture and all of those bars and clubs. But, the other day, I was on my way to my court-ordered community service work at the animal shelter, where I have to assist in performing cosmetic surgeries on some of the homelier dogs to help them get adopted. You know, butt-lifts, lip filler, that sort of thing. Anyway, while I was driving by, I saw a pretty brutal fight happening between some customers from the Wheelie bar and the art history bar next to it.
Very curious, I parked and walked over to see what the hell was going on, because I always like to get really involved in public physical altercations that don’t involve me at all. The Wheelie bar was an old dumpy dive called Spinners, and next to it was an even sadder, divier establishment called the Cranky Curator. This was one of those art historian bars, usually filled with bitter and under-employed academes and curators, more often than not bitching about how those new “Van Gogh Immersive Experiences” debase and cheapen the art until it all feels like something that Disneyland considers closing down every few years.
Anyway, this time it seems that some drunk curators leaving the bar met up with some drunk wheel-enthusiasts, and happened to have with them a folio of cathedral rose windows, those ornate round windows I’m sure you’ve seen on your local cathedral. Anyway, one of the curators dropped the folio of window engravings, and the drunk Wheelies got ahold of them and started noticing that some of the designs might make some great car wheels.
At first, the curators agreed, and the group managed to drunkenly bond over this for a while – until they started ranking them. That’s when all hell broke lose, and within minutes what started as two groups of hyper-focused aesthetes coming together to combine two very removed disciplines soon became a flurry of fists and elbows and a few liberated teeth skittering across the pavement like a handful of porcelain cockroaches.
So, to break up the kerfuffle, I stepped in and proposed the only solution I knew all parties would agree to: we will get the Autopian Readership – by far the most respected group of humans and typing-capable sea mammals on Earth – to decide the ranking.
So, with that in mind, and with the spirit of peace and togetherness and understanding, please, let’s all just rank which of these famous cathedral rose windows make the best car wheel designs. Sound good? Sure it does. Here’s the windows/wheel options, based on the rose windows from the folios. I’ve taken the liberty of not including the stained glass, and focusing instead on just the structure and design of the rose window itself. I’ve also de-saturated any color from the windows when they’re placed as wheels on the car, to prevent color from, um, coloring your opinions.
Ready to decide which cathedral window works best? Here we go!
One of the most famous cathedrals ever, and one of the finest examples of French-Gothic architecture, Notre Dame features some fantastically ornate windows with a sort of repeating cloverleaf-pattern. Does this 1160s-era design hold up well in the context of wheels? I think it kind of does! A bit fussy, perhaps, but they’re definitely striking!
Less famous than many of these others but still important, is the Basilica of San Zeno in Verona. Done in a pre-Gothic Romanesque style, these rose windows are a bit less ornate than many of these other options, and have a certain spoked-wheel quiet dignity about them. This cathedral is also notable because the crypt was the setting for the marriage of Romeo and Juliet in Bill Shakespeare’s famous play that you sort of read in school.
St.Paul, notable for us as the patron saint of writers and publishers, has a cathedral dedicated to him in London, and it is a great example of English Baroque architecture. The rose windows are again a bit less ornate than their Gothic cousins, making for a more open and airy wheel. It’s also probably pretty good for brake cooling.
Westminster Abbey is a prime example of Gothic architecture, and you can see the gothic-type pointed arch as a major motif in this rose window. This design feels less spoke-dependent and more stellar or floral, a complex design that somehow manages to not feel so fussy.
Perhaps the finest example of High Gothic architecture in the world, Chartres Cathedral just outside of Paris has complex yet elegant and orderly rose windows that lend themselves quite nicely to wheel design, forming a lacy web of supports in the wheel, saturated in the mathematical rhythms that define its structure.
Okay! These were the five rose windows and wheels that was causing all the commotion; let’s see if we can come to a final consensus, at long last, as to which cathedral wheel makes the best wheel! Please, vote away!
I mean this article is great but the bit about dog plastic surgery just lit up the part of my brain that has a favorite music video that is all about dog plastic surgery. The singer is a visual artist and all of Goldfrapp’s videos are fantastic, but here’s the dog plastic surgery video, replete with neon and cute dogs and butt scratching. There’s no real way to explain the video without still leaving the viewer with a “wtf” reaction. https://youtu.be/gzfaJRDfveo?si=CqO0XjX7AemAmHbU
Before I cast my vote I ranked them 1-5 and was surprised when the order of popularity matched my preference.
San Zeno looks the most ‘wheel-like’.
The rest are abominations.
Sadly you’re more likely to see a rosebud wheel than any of those.
Finally, the post I’ve been waiting for.
Cologne Cathedral
Can you get yellowed-out Plexiglas covers to protect them from road dirt?
Better replicate how those windows usually look in inner cities
To me, the focus isn’t on the wheels, but the hood.
If you are going to make a car with church windows, there has to be a painting of Jesus on the Hood.
Specifically…
EGGBEATER JESUS.
Officially the Cosmic Christ Mural covering the front of the First Baptist Church of Huntsville, AL this would be perfect for the hood of a car. Absolutely a landmark in Huntsville. From what I read, it was recently re-done at great cost.
And it would make a perfect thing for the hood of a car with church window based wheels.
Do an image search on Eggbeater Jesus, you won’t be disappointed nor will you wonder why it’s called that.
Also, let’s do the opposite. Which wheels would make the best rose windows?
84-86 Omni GLH Swiss cheese wheels.
Let’s do the opposite. Which wheel would make the best rose window?
In order, best to worst:
Chartres
Norte Dame
Westminster
St Paul’s
San Zeno
Anyone who disagrees can stand in front of a self driving car at night while wearing reflective clothing!
San Zeno, because the rest are making my back and knees hurt just thinking about cleaning them. That aside, it would be Chartres.
That first diagram really cleared up a lot of things for me. Thanks, Torch!
Agreed, my family should finally have a nice, argument-free Thanksgiving.
Being the practical guy that I am, I was looking for what would look sturdiest to deal with potholes, etc. So, I went with Westminster.
I’m sure someone has a computer program that can do stress analysis and prove me wrong.
Make mine the little windows beneath the Rose window in la Segrada Familia.
https://www.ribapix.com/expiatory-church-of-the-sagrada-familia-barcelona-rose-window_riba9929
They look a lot like Alfa Romeo phone dial wheels, don’t they?
I wasn’t sure Gaudi included a rose window, definitely my first choice. Of the ones in the,article, Westminster Abbey gets the nod for resembling Pontiac snowflakes
Having once owned a car with a set of knock-off BBS Basketweaves, just the thought of spending a Saturday afternoon cleaning the Notre Dame wheels with an old toothbrush gives me hand cramps.