I am not a pig, but I am also not a neat freak. Only by virtue of working with Jason and David do I seem fastidious, but most people would feel like a Felix next to these two Oscars. This means that I do wash my car and I’ve always thought I’ve done a decent job of it. And then I went to our pal Joel Johnson’s place and we spent five hours doing what he considered a rush job. I was wrong. So very wrong.
Five hours! Cleaning a car! Five hours cleaning a car I thought was relatively clean. Specifically, I rolled in around 10 am to wash my $3,000 BMW E39 at Joel’s place with a long laundry list of other things I needed to do to the car, including fixing a busted rear window regulator. Instead, we stopped at 3:00 PM because I had to get back to the real world and I’d spent 95% of that time cleaning.
It turns out that the bucket of soap + soft chamois glove treatment is not actually a sufficient way to clean a car, and all that money I’ve given to various 4Hers and field hockey teams was for basically nothing. There is a better way to clean a car that makes all other car-cleaning look like the Lascaux cave drawings next to anything by Georges Seurat. Here’s everything we did or, rather, everything I can remember watching Joel do while I stared slack-jawed.
The further we got into this process the more concerned I was that the car would just look like the car when we were done, since it looked fine when I got there, but it made a bigger difference than I was prepared for.
Step One: Evaluate The Patient
The wheels are a little trashed. I knew that when I bought this $3,000 E39 with 234,000 miles on it last year. The original owner had the car cleaned before he delivered it to me, which was quite nice, and the job was done professionally. It felt like a steal and looked pretty good at a distance, even though up close revealed some issues that come with a car driving that far without being cosmetically refreshed:
Most obviously, the hood is seriously pockmarked and the headlights were as faded as the guy who runs the Phish merch table. This is a driver and a hood is replaceable, so this didn’t bother me. Eventually, I need to take a paint pen and fill it in, but this is a driver.
Joel took a quick size-up of the car, which again seemed relatively ok to me, and sighed and went inside to get his power washer. At first, I thought Joel was upset as he took a deep drag of his e-cig, but then it was clear that he was excited. This was going to be fun for him.
Step Two: Rinse Off The Bug Guts And Foam Her Up
Joel is a great friend and a little bit of an OCD person. Even better, he has a driveway and all the tools one needs to do car things, which I currently lack. This means that he was happy to get out the power washer, the foam attachment, and everything needed to clean off the first layer of dirt.
Honestly, at this point, I thought we were mostly done. This is where I normally stopped.
Joel was like “rub your hands over the car, it’s still dirty.
Oh, yeah. I guess so. A quick wipe and this is where I’d be done.
“Some of that’s iron build-up from brake pads” Joel explained before reaching for a magic bottle.
Step Three: Get The Iron Off Of It
Joel admits that, if he were trying to sell car detailing, he would do this as his carny trick. My car looked like it was in a Prince video all of a sudden, with a sudden deluge of iron-y purple rain flowing down the car.
The bottle Joel used was Optimum FerreX Iron Remover which, as the name suggests, removes iron deposits. It’s quite the trick and I quickly feel like I’ve neglected my car, Clive, for far too long.
I got to wash this stuff off the car and it was satisfying to watch the iron rinse into the street. Certainly, we were done.
Step Five: Clay Bar And Some Other Stuff 
Joel showed me how to use a clay bar to remove the littlest, toughest dirt, but then I was way too slow so he used a glove and some other mystery fluid to do the half of the car I wasn’t able to get to. I was already amazed at how much smoother car felt so I just went with it. I’d have probably felt fine taking the clay bar to the whole car as it was quite a lot of fun and seemed to be making a difference, but we were already way past where I intended to go.
Step Six: Trying To Fix The Wheels
Joel was a little curious about what was happening to my wheels, especially since telling him that the wheels are probably half the value of the car itself based on market trends. He went through various types of sandpaper and liquids, like this Simple Green HD (you apparently need the HD because it doesn’t mess up metal alloys). After a bunch of experimenting Joel concluded that the paint was coming off and corroding in places that were exposed, meaning that maybe a little Never Dull (basically wool dipped in kerosene) was the way to get it looking a little better.
Ultimately, the wheels are going to need to be taken off, sandblasted, and powder-coated if I want them to look perfect which, given the value and the way I drive the car, I currently do not want. One of these days, maybe.
Step Seven: Polish The Car/Add The Badge
Joel wasn’t convinced the car was clean enough for his standards, but he still had a list in his head of other things he wanted to do, so he got out some cheap polish and started working the car over while I put the badge on the car.
The radiator is offset a little in the BMW so I decided the best spot to affix the Autopian Member badge (available to Velour members) was to put it where there was no fan to block. There is a little flap there I’m blocking that does something. I assume Thomas will read this post and tell me I shouldn’t be blocking that. Until then, here’s what it looks like:
Step 8: Wash The Car Again
This is where it started to feel like I was being Punk’d. I needed to wash and rinse the car again? Isn’t that what we’ve been doing the whole time? I was going to protest, but then Joel handed me the foam gun and I realized that I really wanted to foam my car from top-to-bottom. It’s so much fun!
Step 9: Polish The Headlights
My headlights were trash and Joel was right that this would be the lowest-effort fix to get the highest reward. And by lowest-effort fix, he meant that he was going to really go to town on this with Meguiar’s PlasticX. It worked! I thought nothing else needed to be done, but this is Joel so…
He kept working on it while I went in and cleaned out the trunk and vacuumed the car.
Step 10: Ceramic Coat The Headlights
Knowing that I am, relatively, a slob, Joel decided if I wanted to keep my headlights clearer for a longer period of time he should probably coat the headlights. Sure! He then pulled out a small bottle of what I assumed was some fancy cologne and he slowly brushed the headlights.
They look amazing now. Surely, we must be done.
We are not, and don’t call me Shirley.
Step 11: Ceramic Coat The Rest Of The Car
I like Larry Kosilla but I am not Larry Kosilla. Neither is Joel, but he would probably like me to mention that in an ideal world, we’d have gone a layer deeper into the clearcoat and built up to the step, but I need to get a paint pen and some other stuff before we do the car “right” next time, and Larry’s coat-and-protect stuff was what Joel had on hand so we applied it.
And by “we” I of course mean he applied it.
Step 12: Tire Shine
The wheels looked a million times better, the paint sung in spite of enduring a mix of Texas and San Diego summers. There’s still much to be done to correct and fix the paint, but at least now it’s protected. Honestly, I’m smitten with this car all over again.
“Ah, but it wouldn’t be a true detail if I didn’t slather on some tire shine” Joel reminded me.
Look at this thing!
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
Step 13: Wienerschnitzel
The only way to celebrate a job well done is with some good German beer and some good German-Austrian food. I started to feel a little guilty again about all the time I took from Joel, but man he looked stoked. I threw Joel the keys and he found out why I loved my car so much.
His being stoked about the car made me that much more stoked about Clive.
Ed note: This post does contain a couple of Amazon affiliate links and if you click on them and buy something we might make a commission.
Amazing. Must be a place where it never rains. I wash my car by driving it in the rain.
My car washing trick is to marry a guy who is really into detailing and very, very good at it and has access to a wash bay. Then I just let him do his thing. Personally, I don’t have the patience for it, so I prefer to just use a pump sprayer bottle of ONR or take the pressure washer to the heaps on occasion.
Washing/detailing a car is my wife’s happy place. I’m a lucky man!
We have a good balance, he’s better at cleaning them and I’m better at turning a wrench. Between the two of us, we make one whole car person!
Same! Congrats on finding your person!
Is your husband single? My cars could use a wash
I mean, I’d consider pimping him out for the right price…
The trick is to not let your car get dirty. My 2003 Maxima looks brand new. I drive my 96 1500 when it rains and then it gets washed. It is also spotless.
Wow Matt, I’m proud you finally became an Autopian member!
I like how you used Seurat as an example. He really represents the “looks good from 15 feet” attitude as well as the detail and intricacy it takes pull off a masterpiece, Pointillism and car detailing what kismet.
Only 5 hours? A really good detail should take at least a half a day, as in 12 hours. Add paint correction and the whole weekend is gone. I hardly ever can, but I do enjoy spending an entire weekend on nothing besides making a car look “right”.
That is probably why Joel considered this a rush job. He probably agrees with you
That’s nuts. I mean you do you, but I barely have 5 hours a week to do things I actually want to do in the car, much less 12 hours to clean the damn thing.
Right, my choice is a 60 minute, 2 bucket job, or nothing at all. This all-day stuff is fancy, but won’t happen in my world.
Honest question, but how much clear coat gets worn away by doing paint correction? How many times can it be done in the life of the car?
I’ve had it done once on my car, but was nervous to have it done too often, but this sounds like something you regularly do. How long before you burn through the clear coat?
Of course the answer is “it depends.” Different OEMs put on different thicknesses of clear. Age is a factor. Depth needed to get swirls and scruffs out is a factor. I’d roughly guess you could thoroughly polish a modern car 4-5 times before worrying about burning the clear. But that’s just a random estimate. This is why you have to do some testing on each car.
I love this site. Most of my friends think im crazy that washing my car takes at least a few hours and involves a pressure washer, foam cannon, air compressor, vaccum, as well as a tote full of cleaning products and a box of micro fiber towels. It helps my car and hurts my wallet that i live just a few miles from Griots Garage too. Anyhow, what was i saying? Oh yeah, love the content on this site!
I have that polisher! Used once in maybe 6 years. Always want to take a day to do this, never get to it.
Makes me miss the days I had the time to spend detailing my cars. Now if I get it clean enough to feel good about putting on a sealant once a year I consider it a success.
Step 1. Run through the car wash at the gas station when the car starts getting you dirty when you brush up against it.
Step 2. Take the nice car to a detailer a couple times a year and run it through the car wash occasionally.
Step 3. Profit?
Step 1: take car to high pressure self serve car wash
Step 2: drive car
e39s with the sport package came with great wheels – like those on Matt’s car. 2-piece, forged BBSs, and beautiful. Trouble is, that the finish on the rim part of the wheel, a thick clear coat, is prone to cracking and flaking, leaving bare aluminum to corrode. Matt must live somewhere perpetually sunny – in Maryland, any e39 with wheels that nice have had them refinished. Eventually, mine got so badly corroded that they all leaked slowly around the bead. I replaced them with refinished OE wheels from the internet. I’ll see how long they look good…
While a bit pricier and higher effort, I’ve had far better results from the Novus 3 part kit I got on amazon over the PlastX stuff. Having used it on at least 3 sets of headlights thus far, it works extremely quickly, and honestly I got better results with it by hand and a microfiber than Matt got here with a DA and PlastX.
My CX-30 has the very shiny, and extremely scratch prone piano black type trim on the center console, and the Novus stuff worked significantly better at making it near new, and has worked great on that super scratchy gauge cluster plastic modern cars use.
Ya this was just something to take off the worst layer. I actually gave away the last headlight restoration kits I had on hand.
Having owned 5 different E39s over the past 26 years (currently without, sadly), I’m always looking out for another. Good ones are rare now. Last weekend (cue record-scratch sound effect), we spotted an exact twin to yours, in evey detail. We drove slowly by where it was parked. Mint. Like, showroom mint, couldn’t believe it. Lucky owner. Now we’re motivated again. Best looking BMW ever, best all-arounder.
A grill badge AND a decal?
Please tell me you have a special, one-off A U T O P I A N sleeved satin jacket.
Matt is a true baller.
I’ve just decided to make my DD an “appliance” car. I don’t mistreat it, but I certainly don’t do this level of cleaning to it except for an annual detail. It just got really tiring hand washing and sweating every little paint chip, door ding, and sun baked bug splat. There is something really freeing about *GASP* just going to the tunnel wash every other week instead spending an hour or more every time you have to hand wash. Sure, it probably costs me a few percentage points on resale compared to my previously flawlessly kept cars, but boy is it nice to have an appliance vehicle I can just use as intended and stop on my way home from work to have the bird shit cleaned off in 5 minutes. I live in the North East, rust is gonna kill the vehicle anyways. Might as well not stress about it.
To me, “washing” a car is the bucket and chamois Matt initially deemed sufficient. I’d call this level “detailing”.
With that in mind, my daily driver gets washed. My classics get detailed. The last time I detailed, the Oldsmobile took three solid days, the Monte Carlo took another two. The results were spectacular and entirely worth it, but that was tiring, not to mention a huge time sink. The daily, as long as I can see out the windows and there’s no bird shit on it, good enough.
Agreed, this is a detail. And if you REALLY want to get more into it, he could have done some paint correction after the clay bar instead of just a polish. I bet this thing still has spiderweb swirls all over it in the sun, although that paint color is great at hiding them.
But I’m the same as you. Dailies get a simple hand wash every few weeks at most, and my toy gets a thorough detail maybe once a year or so, which allows hand washes to keep up with maintenance in between.
Oh yeah no paint correction was done. This was just a “let’s get this thing sort of cleaned up” level of work.
I do pretty similar on my cars but only every year or two. Otherwise it’s just wash and spray detail most of the time. Works pretty well as maintenance.
Joel is a real-life Monica. I wish I had friends who enjoyed cleaning my stuff!
But did you wipe down the door weather seals with silicone? If not, time to get back out there!
Shin Etsu grease was applied. By Matt no less.
For those who may not be familiar, this is the purple Simple Green. It’s safe for aluminum and for aluminium.
Veterans everywhere cringe…
(Nevr Dull(tm) was an important part of most GI parties, meaning the make-the-place-spotless activities, not the beat-the-dumbass-with-soap-in-a-sock kind.)
I definitely wouldn’t go that far and I’m not even sure it’s safe, but I bet that extra mile or two of prep work really got noticed during your last colonoscopy.
Meh. Not worth it for most people. My Outback started the first four or five years of it’s life getting multiple washes a week (a month?) via the unlimited plan at the local tunnel wash. Then I just didn’t think it was worth it anymore. Now it get’s 1 annual “deep clean” (what you mentioned as your previous personal detailing method) with a wax. Other than that it might get run through the tunnel wash a small handful of times to get some salt off, but otherwise, it lives dirty.
Inside is clean though, since that’s where I spend my time. I stopped caring about the outside.
We bought a 2018 Outback brand new and by 2020 the black paint was peppered with weird pockmarks and scratched to hell. I swear they used cans of Krylon on that car.
While I respect Joel as an expert I have to raise the issue this intensive cleaning is only worth it in very few occasions. In 90% of the country the wheels rust so clean what you want cleaning rust doesn’t improve anything. Cleaning the car and spray iron out only shows dirty water, like door to door vacuum salesmen, I was trained for, you can always show dirt and impress the customer but it never is eliminated. I was disappointed I once saw a guy refresh leather on a 1929 Mercedes two door coupe. It looked bad but this guy only cleaned and refreshed the leather and it looked like new. I was wondering how this was done.
Could have used Leatherique on those Mercedes seats. That stuff is pretty trick.
Who and where to get it?
Amazon!
I run my jeep through a touch free car wash about 2 times a year and pressure wash it after the off road park if there is mud. That is it.
This is the way
I can’t even see the top of my van. I assume it’s still mostly the same color as the rest of the body.
Before my kids were born I was a Zaino addict. The process involves:
I was slow and it took me 2-3 weekends. When the kids came I also happened to start leasing my cars. For some cars I didn’t wash them through the entire lease duration.
I used to do that process too. It took forever and looked great but now I just pay people to detail my car. I don’t have the time but I also don’t have kids so I’m not really sure what my excuse is.
Best part?
Next cleaning will be waaaaay easier.
How? I would think it can’t get much easier than watching someone else clean your car. Especially when you don’t incur any labor costs (and maybe no material costs either.)
Hey beer ain’t cheap