Welcome back to another week of poor automotive choices on Shitbox Showdown! Today’s cars are both products of the Ford Motor Company in 1990, but that’s where the similarities end. First, though, let’s get our final tally from Friday’s Florida rides:
The red Benz takes an easy win, as I suspected it might. The Hyundai’s title status scared off a lot of you, and its general abused-by-a-kid vibe didn’t help its case either. Mostly I just wanted to include it so I could make Genesis jokes. That’s all.
I’m always astounded by the variety of cars that a big automaker can produce at the same time. Platform- and powertrain-sharing is common, and has always been, but even within a given platform, the variety of vehicles that can be produced is staggering. And most big manufacturers have a whole bunch of platforms going at once. As an example of this variety, today we have a basic rental-spec four door sedan, and a top-of-the-line personal luxury coupe, both built by Ford. Though one was likely two or three times the price of the other new, now they’re within fifty bucks of each other. Which one is a better deal today? That’s for you to decide.
1990 Ford Tempo – $2,250
Engine/drivetrain: 2.3 liter overhed valve inline 4, three-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Vancouver, WA
Odometer reading: 116,000 miles
Runs/drives? Legendarily, it seems
I spend a lot of time trying to get the gist of a car from some pretty indecipherable ads. They all seem to be far too terse, or wildly too verbose, but rarely are they entertaining in their own right. But this ad, well, it’s easier if I just show you:
The Sword in the Stone.
A legendary item. Ford castle built. Genius and magnitude contributes to this specimen of the depths of time. From whence the cars came, this hath emerged. Unmatched history intertwined with the fabrics of modern time, unrivaled in its nostalgic effect. Sway without effort on this steed of craftsmanship the ancients could have but only dreamt of. Pasture upon pasture give way to the speed of 40,000 hoofs encased in metal. Forward. Onward. Into the next life you ride, out of danger and into fortitude. The journey is complete, thine quest hath end. Further ye look no more.
A piece of time encased in glass and molten rock, forever yours. No pendant can compare, for speed is time itself, indifferent to the wishes of mere mortals. A Time Machine of untold uses.
The end.
A beginning.
Hey, it’s a Tempo. I guess you need to do whatever you can to make it sound impressive.
In case you’ve forgotten (and no one would blame you if you did), the Tempo and its Mercury sister model the Topaz were Ford’s compact sedans from 1984-1994. Nearly all of them were powered by a 2.3 liter pushrod four-cylinder, more often than not coupled to a three-speed automatic. A stickshift was standard, but most Tempo buyers opted to avoid shifting. I owned one of these, a red 1992 two-door equipped with the automatic, and I can tell you that while it was a competent and mostly reliable way to alter your location on the Earth’s surface, its driving experience left a lot to be desired. It handled like a riding mower, and the “tempo” to which Ford was referring was usually adagio. Maybe andante, if you really stood on it.
With that reputation for dullness preceding it, the seller’s florid, Eye Of Argon-esque prose is understandable. But the car is real enough, and the seller says it runs and drives great, but has some “minor issues.” What those issues are isn’t disclosed, but you have to expect a few flaws on something this old. I mean, Excalibur didn’t come with a warranty either.
The paint is shedding clearcoat on the horizontal surfaces, and there is a mysterious hole in the dashboard on the passenger’s side, but otherwise it looks all right. All right for a Ford Tempo, anyway.
1990 Lincoln Mark VII – $2,295
Engine/drivetrain: 5.0 liter overhead valve V8, four-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Palmdale, CA
Odometer reading: 140,000 miles
Runs/drives? “Get in and drive,” it says
It’s no secret that we here at Shitbox Showdown’s central offices are big fans of old Lincolns. Ford’s luxury division has built some awful cars, it’s true, but when they get it right, boy oh boy do they get it right. In 1984, Lincoln took Ford’s Fox platform and gave it a glamourous makeover to create the Continental Mark VII. Smaller than its Panther-based predecessor, and far more stylish, the Mark VII was a departure for Lincoln, and one that worked.
Even better, by 1990 when this car was built, the Mark VII came standard with the same 225 horsepower “5.0 HO” Windsor V8 as the Mustang GT. A four-speed automatic was the only transmission available, and all Mark VIIs rode on air suspension at all four corners. It wasn’t fast by today’s standards, and its handling wasn’t the sharpest, but it was fast enough to belong in the left lane and smooth enough to soak up any potholes along the way.
This hot-rod Lincoln is in decent shape, with nice shiny paint, but it shows some wear and tear inside. The seller says it runs and drives great, just passed a smog test, and needs nothing mechanically. It has received a sound system upgrade, which I presume means there is a big carpeted box full of speakers taking up half the trunk. It also has aftermarket wheels of the sort you might put on a car if you want people to think you’re what the kids call a “baller.” (Am I using that right? I’m so out of touch.) I can’t say they’re an improvement; the stock 1990 Mark VII wheels were BBS-style “basketweave” alloys that looked great. These big chrome things just look gaudy to me.
Still, Lincoln’s flashy Fox is a good-looking car, and this is a decent example for a good price. Even better, it comes with a Ford-branded car phone installed!
So there you have it, two ends of Ford’s product spectrum from thirty-three years ago. One is a good honest if uninspiring small sedan, and the other is a flashy coupe with a V8 and all the toys. Which one will it be?
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
Already owned a Mark VII, no need for another, but I’ll still take it over a Tempo.
My parents rolled the dice on a brand-new ’86 Tempo 5-speed coupe back in the day. It was very much a ‘meh’ car. Add in mouse-belts and it loses my vote very quickly!
The Mark VII was a nice car, and still looks fine to me. That’s where I’d gamble my money.
Lincoln wins this battle of Fords (theater).
It’s a fox platform, so springs are an easy swap. Also can stick in a T5 with ease, so you can row your own. Comfortable cruiser.
A tempo story- back in college, a friend had a 91 or 92 tempo. He prided himself on the fact that, despite the worn paint, dents, and non-functional rear door, he got it with a low 38,000 miles. Old lady car! Ran mint! Well, I was looking for a new car at the time, and carfax still did ‘unlimited for 30 days’. I ran his tempo- it didn’t have the (at the time) 50,00 miles. It had been rolled over. Thrice. It had over 300,000 miles and had the cluster swapped or rolled back. The last thing he said was ‘don’t tell anyone about this’.
Lincoln, please.
It’s not great, but it is less tragic than the Tempo and has potential to be a comfortable road trip car.
The Tempo is something of a dichotomy in my view. It is a humble and basic mode of transportation, but it doesn’t really derive any nobility from that the way an air-cooled VW would. Visually it’s aggressively meh, but I have an irrational affinity for the tall and goofy-looking T-handle shift lever.
Also I think the ad’s excessively prolix prose is the result of a ChatGPT query.
I know the common opine is to rip out the air suspension of anything that has it, but has anyone lived with air suspension long enough to validate that’s the correct choice? It doesn’t look like replacement parts on the Mark VII are particularly expensive (no more so than the conversion kit), and while you can drive longer on busted springs, is it actually a nightmare, or just something that’s less suitable to someone on a beater budget?
No idea why people are so adamant about getting rid of airbags on Ford cars. The bags in a town car can be changed in less than an hour for a little more than $200.
I had a Mark VII and maintained the air ride just fine. You can replace every piece for like $600 or something. Likely only ever need the valves/height sensors tbh.
Somebody’s gone all John Wilkes Booth on that Lincoln. As much as I dislike the Tempo, I’m going to pick the Lincoln’s American cousin.
Having owned a pair of Mark VIIs so far, I’d jump at the chance to own a third. Glad I kept my wheels from my ’86 though, cos those wheels would be getting replaced at my earliest opportunity.
I see the compressor for the air suspension in the engine bay. Sure hope they haven’t converted it to springs…
The Tempo has no redeeming qualities. From the terrible engine to the awful suspension to the 3 speed auto to the motorized seatbelts, it is designed to attack and neutralize every single element of what makes driving fun. It’s like a 2nd generation Prius without the exceptional gas mileage, high performance acceleration and handling, or sexy good looks.
The Lincoln looks like a bit of a shambles but at least there’s something worth saving there. No one who’s driven a Tempo wants to do it again.
When I was a teenager, a friend’s family had three Tempos. The redeeming quality was they were cheap for their four teenage children to share, and parts were common between them. The downsides were everything else about them. Needless to say, I drove whenever my friend and I went anywhere.
I am not so charmed by the Tempo seller’s 9th grade creative writing class C-grade assignment to overlook the fact that he gave next to no information about the car. After that other dude made that “viral” video ad for a crappy used car a while back, I’m kind of over that trope. What “issues” does the car have? And what’s your definition of “minor”? Also “selling for a friend” is a bit of a red flag — not necessarily a dealbreaker, but enough to raise an eyebrow.
I usually don’t even notice different wheel types on cars, but my eye was drawn to those chrome things on the Lincoln in a negative way. But that’s an easy fix, and I’m sure someone likes those shiny wheels enough to make them easy to sell to fund the purchase of something else in their place. Plus I like nice coupes.
Like other commenters, the rims make me puke so get rid of them immediately. And then get rid of the air suspension, there is a spring conversion kit out there for 4 bills-
https://www.americanairsuspension.com/products/lincoln-mark-vii-coil-spring-conversion
The Tempo would have to be mint and equipped with an SHO motor to win against just about anything.
You can replace the pump and 4 valves for the same $$ and it’ll work forever. Car rides and handles so nice with it.
Air suspensions are awesome, as long as parts are available and affordable.
It may have been a previous gen, but we all know what Sir Jackie thought about the Tempo: https://youtu.be/F_I0jQHAJC0
That said, I still voted Lincoln…
Lincoln for sure. I’m sure you can sell the wheels and get plenty to buy a set of the correct ones.
I’ll note that it appears the Tempo used to have a car phone, judging by what looks like a ripped-out mounting bracket on the dash. Ugh.
I am a glutton for punishment, I picked the Tempo. It would be an awesome lil LeMons racer, and I don’t have to worry about the air suspension when it fails.
not 500 dollars, disqualified
That’s what bribes and bullshitting is for.
Brilliant writing about one of the meh-est cars ever. Buy the Lincoln, hire the Tempo’s seller as an Autopian contributor.
I want the Lincoln, but with the stock/better wheels and tires
Anyone on this site who voted for the Tempo over the Lincoln needs to have a REEEEEEALLY good explanation for their actions.
There was an, er, fanatic, on the other site…hope they’re here now and can give us an accounting!
Respect to the Tempo’s steward for the wordcraft, but if that Lincoln was closer than Palmdale I’d be driving over to look at it right now. I’m a little concerned about the air suspension (the parts for a conversion to steel springs cost ~$500ish, so not awful), but an interior detail and a new set of BBS-esque rims (or Torq Thrusts look good too) would put me in one of my favorite cars of all time.
The Lincoln is an awesome car. Not the greatest shape, but if it were any better it’d be twice as much $$.. I loved driving mine. I hated when the gremlins started. Still worth the risk over the boring ass Tempo.
Of all the new cars I ever drove — and it was a substantial number — the Tempo was by far the most depressing. Still gives me the shivers to think of even seeing one.
The Lincoln was, in contrast, a more-than-decent piece. I’d have to scour the boneyards for a replacement interior (and, I suspect, deodorize the cabin) and find a set of stock wheels, but other than that it looks like it has the right bits. A little work, and it’d be a decent cruiser.
Buy the Lincoln. Sell the wheels to someone with even worse taste than the PO, take the proceeds down to your friendly neighborhood pick-and-pull. Waltz out the door with better wheels, new front seats, and something to replace or cover up those god awful chrome mirror caps. The end result is a sturdy and comfortable cruiser that no longer looks like a brokeass pimp’s backup car.
The Tempo’s ad is incredible (kudos, Mark, for the Eye of Argon reference – for anyone unfamiliar, one of my favorite podcasts has covered it: https://www.idontevenownatelevision.com/2014/10/21/021-the-eye-of-argon-w-k-thor-jensen/) but all the aureate ad copy in the world can’t cure it of its chronic case of Temponess.
Meanwhile, $2300 is downright cheap for a functional Mark VII. I’ve always liked those cars, and the price leaves plenty of room to find a set of original (or at least less-gaudy) wheels. (I imagine someone on Craigslist would want the oversized rims currently on it – they’d look fine on something 20 years newer.)
Both of these are horrible but since the Tempo is the most boring thing ever made (and that includes shower curtain rings), lets go Lincoln.
I’ll take the gentleman’s foxbody
the Mark 7 is a screaming deal to be honest.
Only 2/9 of us voted Tempo after reading that ad????
Three now!
sorry, nope, I am not paying 2500 for a clapped out turd pile just because Cyrano waxed poetic before saying it is for sale
Four. Those wheels and the possible suspension issues from those scared me off. The Tempo is like store-brand saltine crackers. Not great but they’ll do.
Four!