Did I fall asleep last night before I could write a Cold Start this morning? Maybe! And by maybe I mean, yes, yes I did, right there on the couch, laptop on lap, like I suddenly became a taxidermie’d Early 21st Century Human display at the Museum of Earthlings in Their Natural Habitats that the aliens will set up sometime around the 3340s, when the AIs that control Earth get a little curious and nostalgic for the Meat Times.
Anyway, that means I need to crank one out this morning, stat, so we’re going to go to an old staple of Cold Start fun: ads and articles from a magazine that’s over 100 years old!
And what magazine would that be? Why it’s the summertime issue of Automobile Topics from 1913:
Let’s start with the image up top there, from the Willard Storage Battery company of Cleveland, Ohio, who seemed to like to use cartoons in their ads. And, honestly, I think the bit holds up!
I mean, that’s not a bad gag; you can picture it, with the nouns changed to some sort of more modern tech, being used today: this old thing sucked, and made people use profanity. Solid gag. This other cartoon from the same company I’m not sure holds up quite as well:
I guess the punchline is that the dude is of course going to get his feet muddy, there’s no way around that, right? Also the line about (emphasis mine) “bones in your meat or stones in your land, your joys must be mixed with sorrows or your joy would be too joyful” is just strange. I don’t need the Willard Storage Battery policing my levels of joy, thanks. Jeez.
Speaking of joy, this ad really reminds you of The Joy of Tubes:
They’re not simply tubes, you see! Read that ad – they talk about how awesome these inner tubes feel: “You cannot take one of them in your hand without appreciating its quality from the texture.” I bet at least some decent percentage of Fisk Tube buyers only bought them for the pure sensual pleasure of fondling those tubes.
Also, this ad makes an interesting distinction:
A “manufactured” car. Aren’t all cars manufactured? Was anyone growing them? I guess this just means a mass-produced car, and not some limited-run handmade things?
Oh yeah, some sweet taillight content! This mobilite is interesting because it used a hard rubber body! And, of course, that license plate light window is something that will be a staple of non-integrated taillights for decades.
This one is just here because of balls, because I’m a child.
Okay, this is interesting because of the casually-mentioned metric of equivalency between horses and trucks:
Did you see that? One motor truck replaces six horses? I wonder if that was some sort of commonly-accepted metric?
This ad reminds me of a tombstone:
I do like the assertion of the carb as “the heart of the automobile” though I’m not sure I believe that? I think it’s more part of the digestive system. And does that mean that fuel injected cars have artificial hearts?
Speaking of carbs, this may be the most whimsical, fantastical, Alice-in-Wonderlandic technical/ad about a carburetor:
I like calling the air tubes “Northern” and “Southern,” too. Such a magical journey that little drop of gas takes! Too bad about the destination, though. It’s kind of violent.
By the way, I need to ask you: have you been Klaxonized?
I feel like the next time you’re car-shopping at a dealership, your first demand should be that you are only shown cars that have been properly klaxonized.
This one I just really liked the illustration:
Look at those bearing-wheels! What would a car with those sorts of wheels be like to drive? I feel like we need to try and re-create this in reality. I’m not sure how you’d brake a car with this kind of setup – some kind of expanding drum in the hub?
This isn’t a bad motto:
Though I’m not sure I want a “car with a conscience.” I feel like I do too many depraved things in my car as it is, and I don’t need it feeling guilty on my behalf. Or, worse, judgy.
So, that means it’s not actually American, right?
Also, if you, like many of us here, have doubts about how well a worm-type gear would perform on a car’s drive axle (like, can it coast?), you’re not alone, and this 1911 paper about just that should answer all your questions.
Man, I can’t believe these were all over 100 years old; we’ve been selling cars and accessories a hell of a long time.
Ads, like cars, are so radically different now. What a fun collection you brought to the party!
Re: a truck replacing six horses… It only took a few trucks to keep a lot of pferd merde off the city streets.
German Chrome Steel Balls you say?
Well that explains a lot.
Despite what we were taught in school.
I am an enormous fan of Klaxonisation. They are the best substitute for functional brakes yet devised.
This is obligatory at this point. Quack quack.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMD-TrZB0o0
My grandfather found the best way to calm me so he could listen to the baseball game & do crosswords was to give me old motoring magazines he collected along with his teens & twenties cars.
Those ads brought back the smell of the old periodicals with the tinny AM radio mumbling in the background: I’m heading back on the roof with a smile.
“Man, I can’t believe these were all over 100 years old; we’ve been selling cars and accessories a hell of a long time.”
Sure have, and consider that Timken for example is still making bearings. Good ones, in fact.
Many years ago I received a direct shipment from them, in a third box was another bearing we hadn’t ordered. It filled the whole box, I’d never seen a bearing this big, about a foot in diameter (I would post a pic if I could). I called them to let them know there’d been an overage error, they said they were going to send a call tag for it. I asked how much it was worth and they told me about $3000, this was 30 years ago. Part number is H936349, I guess it fits a mining machine or something.
Anyway they never came and got it, and it sits on display in our store to this day. Point to the story is I can’t imagine how much a bearing the size of a wheel (as pictured) would be worth today, but the Timken people did tell me they exist.
Well it appears they still sell that thing and it’s about 5-6k$ nowadays.
spec sheet says its 13 inches in diameter. yowza
“This one is just here because of balls, because I’m a child.” – Jason Torchinsky
Yes you are… Never change man!
In my childhood in Milwaukee it was such an industrial town that Timken ran ads on morning radio programs. I still remember their tag line. “Quality rides on Timken Roller Bearings”
I got pretty Klaxonized this weekend
that’s now illegal in some states you know.
And in some places it’s now illegal to cross state lines to receive such treatment.
That’s alright, you can get a Willard Storage Battery and one of those ELECTRIC CRANKERs. No worries, they will be mailed in plain, discrete packaging.
The age of the inadequate bell is over. The time of the Klaxon has come.
Fichtel&Sachs ball bearings are okay. But they are no match for Schweddy Bearings. Only Schweddy balls are good balls.
So am I to understand from the Klaxonet ad that at some point electric cars had electrically actuated bells on them instead of horns? Let’s bring that back.
I feel we need to return to hand drawn advertisements like this. I love the aesthetic.
“The Cross Country is a manufactured car”.
That reminds me of when my grandpa would wax poetic about cars from the 50’s and 60’s. “You know, back when cars were BUILT.”
“And the paint was DURABLE. The lead problem took care of itself because any kid dumb enough to eat paint or drink gasoline would learn his lesson!”
We have been doing this Car Thing for a really long time, and with lots of volume. Reminds me a little of an interview I failed 20 years ago with Honda, for a logistics position. I marveled at their process and how far auto manufacturing had come in a century and they replied “Well, we’ve been doing this a long time!” and I wasn’t even joking, but I immediately said “Yeah, but there’s still failing transmissions, so it’s not perfect yet.” Of course, being cocky-ass Honda, they didn’t invite me back.
Electric Crankers (great indie band name), reduce tube expenses, German chrome steel balls, aristocratic carburetors, and klaxonized horns, what a time to be alive!
(Klaxons is already a band: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Klaxons)
Back then every time you start your car, you run the risk of having your arm ripped out of its socket. Back when men were men, and women didn’t drive.
I like that the ball bearing car unintentionally predicted aero disc wheels almost perfectly.