Good morning, and happy Friday, Autopians! We’ve made it through another one. Today, since it was a short week, I figured we’d stop at three cars and use them to play a little game. But first, we need to officially crown our third winner…
To the surprise of absolutely no one, the bottle-green BMW takes it in a landslide. The Infiniti was supposed to be a Toyota Cressida, so it would have been two rear-wheel-drive inline sixes, but some jerk bought the Cressida before I could get around to it. I had to grab what I could find. These things happen. It’s why I can’t work too far ahead; I have to write each post no more than a day or maybe two before. But at least you know you’re getting your shitboxes picked at the peak of freshness.
Anyway, let me explain the rules of today’s game. This should be familiar to most folks who spend time in automotive-centric corners of the internet, but in case it isn’t: this is the car version of that famous party game involving celebrities. In our version, one car will become your new track toy, strictly for use at track days (or autocross/rallycross, or Gambler, or Lemons, or your preferred form of motorsport); one will be your one and only daily driver; one must perish by fire.
No poll today; I figured it would get too confusing with nine different possible choices. Actually, I’m not sure the poll generator will even allow that many. So post your choices in the comments. But remember, this is like math class: to receive full credit, you must show your work.
Oh, and no fair saying “burn them all, because cheap old cars suck and I hate fun.” Just play the dumb game.
Let’s have a quick recap of our contesants.
2001 Ford Taurus
This boring-ass Ford beat out a boring-ass Chevy, largely due to being cheaper, I think. It has the Duratec V6 and a questionable-condition automatic. It does seem to be in decent condition otherwise, and it would make a comfy commuter, for as long as that tranny holds together. Or you could accelerate the slushbox’s demise in a fun way by using it as a Gambler car. But it’s also the least interesting, and most common, car here, so torching it would be no great loss.
1990 Saab 900S
This old Saab was brought back from the dead and saved from the crusher by a true enthusiast, and then saved again when the gearbox conked out shortly afterward. This thing has more lives than a cat, it seems. I can only hope it finds enough favor with you lot to be saved from theoretical incineration. I really like this car. It’s tough, good-looking in its own gawky way, and it’s the only manual here.
1992 BMW 735i
I like this old Beemer, too, but I’m not sure I trust it entirely. I’ve had a bad BMW experience before, but that was with a much newer E46 3 series. These older ones, built when luxury meant quality, not gadgetry, should be better cars. My dad had one of these when he lived in Germany, and it was a really nice car. And it’s likely the fastest, and maybe best-handling, of the three. But I know BMW hate runs deep, so I wouldn’t be surprised to hear a few people condemn this one to a fiery grave.
So… there they are. I know how I would choose. But I’ll keep quiet for now, and let you all have your say. One must hit the track, one must take you to work, and one must go out in a blaze of glory.
Choose wisely.
I’m going to track the Taurus. It isn’t remotely sporty, but it is going to be the easiest to repair and parts are cheap. All shitboxes run on a track will break, so I want one that will be easy to fix. Also, while stock performance is garbage, that could be improved with bolt on performance parts and added lightness (i.e. throw out every non-essential part).
I would also daily the Taurus (again, because parts and repairs are cheap and relatively easy), but since I can’t pick that twice, I pick the Saab. These things seem to run forever, and the Saab quirks are endearing. Plus, it has a manual. Daily commutes are more fun with a manual.
I would also pick the Taurus to burn (because while cheap and reliable, it is also bland and hideous). Since I can’t pick that again, I’ll torch the BMW. I never liked the 7 series. If you want a luxury sedan, buy an E or S class Mercedes. If you want a sports sedan, buy a 3 series or 5 series BMW. The 7 series struck me as too much of a compromise. That being said, I like the styling of 80s and 90s BMWs (i.e. BMWs built before Chris Bangle ruined BMW styling), so I would feel bad about torching this car. I’d happily torch most post-Bangle BMWs, though.
Daily the BMW, it has a questionable trans too, but not yet showing signs of iminent demise.
Lemons the Saab, Definitely think a fighter plane motiff would be in order. And a well endowed blonde should drive it.
Burn the Ford after stripping it of all parts and selling them. Wonder if it retained it’s cat? Might be worth almost as much for that as the car as a whole.
735i for the daily driver – at least while it holds up
900S for a Lemons car – it might make the full time
Taurus – Put eveyone out of their Misery looking at the damn thing
Too easy
Track(rally or Lemons): Saab
Daily: BMW
Burn: Taurus (though I’d feel bad cause someone desperate might get a few months/couple years of needed transportation out of it)
Saab is the daily. It’s just not quite enough fun to track. Not that I dislike the idea, but I’ve personally had more than enough front wheel drive understeer at the limits for a while.
Track the BMW. You could save a lot of weight just by removing all the creature comforts, extra seats, door cards, etc. Harder springs will make it easier and more fun to wrestle with, BMW engine upgrades and transplants aren’t too hard to find, and you could transplant a manual if you had to. But it will be very painful to take the best looking 7 series and thrash it mercilessly.
You could easily swap the above cars and get a much better riding, more comfortable and classy daily driver. I can’t argue against that idea. But rest assured, there’s no saving the Taurus from serving in Hell’s own Uber fleet.
First, I’ll be that guy and let you know that “Beemer” = BMW motorcycle. “Bimmer” is the car. I learned that lesson when theming our first 24 Hours of Lemons entry, The Porcubimmer, which was the world’s only BMW with the pricks on the *outside.*
On the topic of Lemons, I have personal experience with racing a Saab 900 and Saab is now literally and figuratively a 4-letter word in my mind. The guy I was racing with was completely incompetent to the point where I literally screamed at him during a race and soured me on racing Saabs forever. The experience net me a J’nik Commenter of the Day award:
https://jalopnik.com/cotd-vortex-of-ls-insanity-edition-5865683
And lastly, I was a Ford tech from 98-01 and there was a point I was replacing Taurus and Windstar transmissions so often I could literally remove one with my eyes closed. So I know how unreliable they are.
So with that said, race the BMW, daily the Saab, and scrap the Caddy…err Taurus.
But… but I race a two-stroke SAAB 96 in Lemons and I’m only mostly incompetent…
As if the rest of your fleet didn’t make that evident already.
Holy crap… I remember that whole story… “L” was a reject from OUR Saab team in 2006. We all felt for you in ’07, but we were also kinda quietly laughing as the shit show unfolded. Man, those were the days. Can’t imagine even fuelling a Lemons car in 2022! 😉
What team were you?
Everyone seems pretty much in agreement, and their opinions match mine.
So what’s left to say? The Destruction Derby idea for the Taurus qualifies as a Double Win in my book. That means taking it to a track and sends it off to the Great Crusher in the Sky all at once. You might get two or three minutes of laughs as well.
For going around corners and stuff, the Saab is clearly best. Those big BMWs can do that, but not as well as, say, a 3-series. And they’re really nice cruisers.
Track: Saab. Most tossable, even if underpowered.
Daily: BMW. If it keeps running, it should be the most comfortable daily.
Burn: Taurus. There is nothing special about these, even if the transmission was good.
Daily the SAAB, since I love and miss the manual transmission, and seems just odd enough to strike up conversations.
Track the BMW because you don’t need working turn signals for track. (Does the turn signal for any BMW work anyway?) https://images.app.goo.gl/hH4wu4jmAriXrFvz7
Torch the Taurus. No redeeming features in that car unless it’s for a high-school kid and you don’t care if it gets banged up.
Took the words out of my mouth. You could make an argument for dailying the beemer and tracking the Saab, I guess, if you’re some sort of weirdo, but it would be a damn shame for either of those to get burnt and a dishwater Taurus with a dodgy transmission is practically asking to be put out of its misery anyway.
Track: Saab
Daily: BMW
Burn: Ford
Obviously I am going to torch the Taurus. It’s meh and broken; I don’t even feel a little bit bad about flaming that Ford.
Which leaves an interesting dilemma because on a track I would vast prefer to have to have the Right Wheels Driven, but I would also prefer to do my own shifting. Ultimately the Bimmer seems like it would be better suited for daily duty than the Saab. Also I vastly prefer to have the Right Wheels Driven on the road (I just generally prefer RWD), so I guess I will row row row my own gears on the track, and daily the big BMW.
Burn the Taurus since the transmission is failing. Daily the Saab for fuel economy. Track the 7 series because you’ll laugh your ass off throwing that 4,000 pound beast around hairpin turns.
We hate NEW BMWs. We don’t all hate OLD BMWs.
Track the BMW
Daily the Saab (still needs the turbo, though)
Burn the Ford… bring back Meh car Monday.
Daily the BMW because it’s the most comfortable and best looking. Track the Saab because it will kick ass doing winter Rallye with studded snows. Burn the Ford because, you know, nobody wants the bronze. Last place = first to burn.Ta ta Taurus.
Seconded
Daily – Saab ( was a toss up between track and daily but it would be easier to fix than the BMW which made it a daily)
Track – BMW ( too big for an actual track car but Gambler or Lemons)
Burn – Taurus ( this would have been daily if the trans was in better shape)
Oh I love this idea!!!
Track: Saab
Daily: BMW
Burn: Taurus
Daily the SAAB.
Track the Taurus just for the confused looks.
Burn the Beemer (Maybe to Hendrixs playing in the background.)
I gave this more thought than should really be necessary, but I came up with the most reasonable answer (I think):
Track: SAAB 900S. Sure, it’s got no turbo, but it handles really well, has a manual and would probably be the most fun of the three is in this slot (unless you take sadistic pleasure in flogging an old Taurus). FWIW, I was really torn between putting this in the Track or Daily position.
Daily: BMW 735i. Okay, so you might not ALWAYS get where you need to be in a timely fashion, but it’s going to take you there in comfort and style. This would probably be fun on the track for about one lap, until you get seasick and toss your lunch in the finest Bavarian interior available in the early 90s.
Burn: Ford Taurus. As mentioned above, this really could’ve gone in any of the three slots. It’s probably a more reliable Daily than the other two, aside from the ailing transmission. It probably wouldn’t be very fun on the track, outside of Slow Car Fast or Rental Car Execution: Track Day Edition, but in the end, when you have the other two choices available, Sophie’s gonna shrug.
Flame the taurus, daily the Saab, track the bmw
Inevitable. Track + RWD is obvious, burning the Taurus is obvious, dailying the Saab is… obviously the only remaining option.
The Taurus is a TOWmissle live-fire exercise. Saab is the racer, and the BMW is my pimpmobile for daily use.
All the cool kids are shooting Javelins now tho
Because the F in Friday stands for fun, we’re killing the Ford Taurus.
Choosing between an old Saab and a lux BMW for either daily or track duty is a real Hobbesian choice: do you want your life to be expensive and difficult or difficult and expensive?
Let’s assign the Bimmer track duty, since RWD will always be more fun at the limits of grip, and watching a 20-foot-long executive car get flogged around a track never disappoints.
The Saab is a better daily than the BMW purely by dint of its lack of stigma. Fair or not, BMWs attract aspersions. The Saab? You can show up to a job interview, a date, or your son’s banjo recital in a Saab with the understanding that people will mostly assume that you have congenial road manners, a good grasp of written English, and handiness with a wrench.
This guy gets it.
SAABs (at least up to the late 90s or early 00s) are one of those stealth-wealth, everyperson cars. I’ve owned SAABs, loved ’em, but I still have no wealth, stealthy or otherwise.
I’m entering the Taurus in a figure 8/demo derby event (the 6 cylinder class is always much less crowded than the 4 cylinder), driving the BMW for as long as it lasts, and torching the Saab.
>driving the BMW for as long as it lasts
>>So the stop sign at the corner?
Also, burning the saab? You monster!
I’m stunned at the level of love for the Saab in here.
I’m entering the Taurus in a demo derby, so it’s not as if I have any great admiration for it either, I just think it could make me a few bucks before it expires.
Don’t be. They are the best cars ever.
Blasphemy!
This guy gets it!
I’m with you on the DD (or better yet figure-eight… ever seen the “Train Races” they used to have at Cajon Speedway?) as a track event of choice, but I’d use the BMW for that, since it would be nearly as funny as the end of that Grand Theft Auto movie with Ron Howard. And I’d daily the Saab just long enough to make it to the following week’s DD event.
The Taurus was always gonna burn. A few gallons of rubber cement poured over it at the starting line, a touch from a Zippo, and thus begins Week 3 of the figure-eight races.
Where’s the poll? I went with the BMW
Lemons Saab, Daily BMW, kill the Taurus with fire. I was going to say Lemons Taurus, but the iffy trans ruled it out.