Our partner Beau once told me that the process and struggle of coming up with good names for car models “the sport of kings,” and while I always assumed that was foosball, I can see why it would be called that. It’s not easy! At all. That’s likely why so many carmakers take the easy way out and resort to the sort of alphanumeric names that could only inspire longing in a mainframe running a FORTRAN program to calculate payroll. But a real evocative car name, well that’s a magical thing! And so elusive, which is why we’re going to look at some actual car names that are garbage for a number of reasons, and some you probably think suck but, surprise, you’re wrong.
There’s a number of lists online of bad car names, but they tend to just rely on pointing out weird car names, and the truth is those names are often fantastic. The Isuzu Mysterious Utility Wizard? That’s not a bad name, that’s a fantastic car name! Anyone who thinks that’s a bad car name is dead inside, worse, dead and boring.
Animal names, also, I think are almost always good. Even when they’re animals we don’t always associate with noble things, like weasels. Studebaker made a military vehicle called the Weasel, and I can’t think of a better animal than that.
Okay, let’s get to the crap!
Names You Can’t Get Away With Today
Times and language change. Generally, it seems that, when it comes to language, there’s two main factors that affect a given car’s name: history and the process by which people at least attempt to become less shitty over time. The historical bit means that sometimes things happen to alter our associations with a word, and the less shitty over time part means that some words that perhaps had racial or derogatory connotations are no longer the kinds of words people want to use when they talk about what they drive.
I can think of three cars that fit this category:
Studebaker Dictator
Between 1927 and 1937, Studebaker’s entry-level car was called the Dictator, with a Commander and President above it. These could be had with inline six or eight-cylinder engines, and as you can probably guess, the late 1930s were not a great time to keep naming things “Dictators” as there were some actual dictators popping up in the news that were, to use the preferred term, shitheads. The Dictator name was changed to Commander, which is free of any Hitlers or Francos or Mussolinis, at least.
Chevy Confederate
I thought about this one because I got a request from a reader for one of these for their Autopian Member Birthday Drawing, which you see above there. These were built in 1932, almost 70 years after the Confederacy was a thing at all, but a number of decades before mainstream American society realized that nobody wants to hear about the damn Confederacy.
Austin Gipsy/Maruti Suzuki Gypsy
These two off-road vehicles one from Britain, one from India, both have a common source for their name, the term for the Romani people that is usually – but not always, it seems, for certain subgroups – considered a racial slur.
The Austin Gipsy, built from 1958 to 1968, was conceived as a competitor for the Land Rover, and definitely resembled the famous Land Rover, but was a good bit more sophisticated, featuring independent suspension with special rubber springs. It turns out that sophistication isn’t really what’s wanted from a rugged off-roader/military vehicle, after all, and the Gipsy never achieved the popularity of the Landie.
The Maruti-Suzuki Gypsy had a long life, from 1985 to 2018, and was an Indian-built version of the long-wheelbase Suzuki Jimny. These were used extensively by the Indian military.
Food Names That I’m Just Not Sure If Are Good Or Bad
So, I ran across this charming little car, which is called the Mitsubishi Minica Lettuce, and it made me realize that I’m really not sure what I think of cars named for foods. I’ve written about them before, even recently, but I can’t decide if food-based names are good or bad.
The Nissan Cherry I think is a great name for a car! The Suzuki Cappucino, too, and while I get a kick out of the fact that there was a carmaker called Alldays & Onions, I’m not sure it’s a good car name. This Mitsubishi, though – I’m not sure Lettuce is an evocative car name? Mitsubishi has at least one other food-based name, the Mitsubishi Pistachio, and now I’m wondering how I feel about that, too.
I know a lot of worst-car-names lists include food-car names, but I don’t want to just knee-jerk say those are all bad. So I’m confused about the food names, but I think they have some sort of charm.
Names That I Get What They Were Going For, But Don’t Work Because Of How They Sound
The Sunbeam Rapier. I’m all for naming cars for swords. In fact, I used to have one, a Reliant Scimitar! Sword or stabby-things should make good car names, like Epée or Foil or Dagger or Dirk or Katana or Sabre. Rapier, should too, but the problem is it sounds like, well, rapey-er. I think most people would know the difference, but it’s still just kind of unfortunate.
Kind of like rapeseed oil. That name comes from the Latin word rapum, which means “turnip.” It’s also the same thing as canola oil. Why does anyone call it rapeseed oil still?
The Car Name You Think Is Bad But You’re Wrong About
The Ford Probe. It’s the butt (get it?) of so many dumb jokes, but here’s the thing – it’s just not that bad a name! We all know it’s referring to space probes like the Voyager probes to the outer solar system or the Viking probes to Mars or the Juno probe to Jupiter or any number of other probes, and the truth is that if your mind goes to aliens anally probing people, that’s on you.
Probe can be used for so many things! Investigations! Research! It’s a word about curiosity, and discovering new things! Even those alleged aliens, who are supposedly probing anuses of abducted humans, why, I suspect they’re just looking for truth, too, even if they have the misguided idea that truth is somehow to be found crammed up the rectums of some poor bastard driving along a rural highway at the wrong time.
Car names need our support now more than ever, lest we find ourselves permanently stuck in a world of alphanumeric soup bullshit.
Well vegetables and fruit names should stick to paint colors. You name a car after the presumed assets of the car and the name you choose. So Jaguar a sleek sexy cat with speed and power? Yeah car name. The probe? Is simply a tool being inserted somewhere to extract information, so sorry bsd car name. The trouble came with the recent generations thinking any name is an insult. Frankly if a car manufacturer named a car after me or my heritage risking millions that people looked to me as an.asset I am flattered. It’s funny my college football team is called the Seminoles, after the Indian tribe that lived in the area and the only tribe to never surrender to the white man. I would not know that fact if my college wasn’t the Noles. In fact the Seminole tribe does take pride in the use of their name. Three tribe fought against white people who were trying to force a name change that were offended for the Seminoles which I assume they figured were too stupid to be offended. Now that is racism. Now every you tuber wants to be the first person too take offense at anything they can to protect a demographic that isn’t offended. Sure you can get a few people to be offended in the hopes of a lawsuit payout but can we stop be offended on the part of humanity that isn’t offended by being branded on a product that celebrates their heritage?
Yes some things are racist and sexist and deserve boycotts but let’s let the actual people decide it. They are not the morons you think they are.
Oh and let’s hope the newest sports team is called The Sarcastics.
Always liked the Minx
And the Imp, not to mention the Avenger. (Well, we won’t mention the Dodge Avenger.) Hillman was rockin’ their name game.
I had a Husky but never got it working
FSO Polonez taillight in the top picture, now that’s something. On that note, probably any of the local, non-universal sounding names wouldn’t fly today.
It also took me a bit search. FSO Polonez are not that common anymore in Germany.
Studebaker Scotsman comes to mind, also the car brand Trojan, ironically very popular with the Church of England before Trojan became synonymous with condom. Other ones that come to mind are the Mitsubishi Pajero since in many Spanish dialects that’s slang for gay, and the Rolls-Royce Silver Mist. since mist in German is something like manure.
OTOH Mazda Bongo Friendee is just weird so keep it.
I wonder gay used to mean happy so no disparaging and if I am not wrong gay people in fact refers to themselves as gay. Not the expert about that but if gay pride parade is a celebration of their lifestyle why not a car name celebration?
Gay is supposed to be the polite term, Pajero is more of an impolite term I don’t want to use on the site. In the US Subaru Outback is the LGBT car, no name change required and their marketing leans into it.
I accept your knowledge but I ask you to back up if derogatory why would a manufacturer use it? They want to sell cars the Nissan N ain’t going to sell without Kanye pimping it.
It was a Japanese company,
they may not have understood the slang. Mitsubishi sold the same vehicle as Shogun, Montero, and Pajero depending on market so they could have renamed it.
I would but the Shogun. Or the Ninja.
Pajero actually means, ahem, one who is in the habit of doing what adolescent boys do several times a day. In Great Britain the commonly used term is “wanker”.
Ah, Mitsubishi Pendejo, thanks for clearing that up
As a German speaker, I can tell you that Mist in German IS manure.
I thought it was but Google Translate disagreed. BZ
…and a German girl (from Stuttgart) I was seeing for a short while referred to BMWs as “Bayerischer mistwagen” accordingly.
Yeah I have some relatives who said the same thing.
It also makes sense that a certain Irish whiskey liqueur didn’t do so well in Germany… https://www.irishdrinkshop.com/Irish-Mist-1-Litre-Old-Bottling
And I imagine this Canadian Whiskey wouldn’t do well either even though I personally know it’s good.
https://www.canadianmist.com/our-canadian-whiskey/
My dad had an extensive vinyl collection when I was a kid. One of my favorite songs from those days was this little two minute gem from Ronny and the Daytonas that I was listening to while writing this: Antique ’32 Studebaker Dictator Coupe
I feel like the MG Midget was so obvious that you forgot about it in an effort to divulge obscure automotive knowledge. Also, the King Midget. Ironically that name is perfectly descriptive and technically appropriate for both cars being that they’re both very notably small, so you can see how someone would give both cars the name in an era where thinking about how the vertically-challenged feel isn’t a culturally obvious thing to do.
Also the Jeep Cherokee gets a dishonorable mention for the actual Cherokee tribe asking them not to use the name anymore, and Jeep ignoring them and still selling Cherokee SUVs to this day. Pontiac as well, but to my knowledge nobody complained, and they were killed off before they could be cancelled, so to speak. And I don’t think anyone wants to think of Pontiac as being offensive, because we like the cars they made… so nobody asks.
I think part of it is that especially in the past, humans have had a tendency to think of minorities or “others” as rare and therefore unlikely to have a significant enough problem with you making assumptions about them/naming things after them. Like, if you have a vague awareness that especially short people exist but don’t see them regularly and have no internet to tell you there’s a whole lot of those people out there, you might not see a problem with naming your new sports car after them as you assume they may never find out, or that they themselves think they are rare and shouldn’t have a problem with this. This is less common now, I think, as we have much more access to the opinions of diverse groups than ever before, but even then there are still cultures that feel so far away and foreign that you might not think you’ll ever need to consider their thoughts. Heck, especially in the 50s when segregation and suburbs consisting almost entirely of white nuclear families were the norm, plenty of folks might not have actively intended to offend anyone – it just never occurred to them that they could, or would ever be called out.
Even regarding that whole Gypsy thing, my impression from listening to music and media from the 60s and 70s is that a lot of people romanticized the idea of a Gypsy, and had this fantasy of falling in love with a beautiful and mysterious nomadic Gypsy woman. I doubt they actually knew anything about the Romani people, they just heard half a stereotype and ran with it, not even realizing the people they fantasize about are real and don’t want to be called that.
I’d find amusing to see some “mainstream” nationalities used as car names.
Jeep Yankee: there’s no such thing as big enough
Renault Frenchman: the best way to buy a croissant in the morning
Volvo Swede: why would you need anything beyond an Allen key for maintenance ?
Audi German: no joke there. We don’t do jokes.
Jeep Yankee made me do a double take. I’m actually surprised it hasn’t been done.
They could also do Minuteman… Thinks for a moment… Nope.
It works, right?
The Dodge La Femme is probably a pretty obvious one, an entire car marketed specifically to women, in the most stereotypical fashion possible (aside from the name, it also came only in pink, with upholstery in pink brocade with an embroidered rosebud design, and had a seatback compartment that stored a special fitted purse with a set of matched accessories – cigarette case, cigarette lighter, comb,coin purse, lipstick case, and compact, and a compartment behind the other seat that stored a raincoat, umbrella, and rain bonnet).
As it turned out, women in the 1950s weren’t any more interested in such a thing than women today would be, only sold about 2,500 over two model years, but it didn’t cost much to develop, so Chrysler probably didn’t really lose anything on it.
Car companies have tried marketing to women with specific trim levels many times, the Dodge La Femme simply being the most blatant and well known. I think the only one that was actually successful was the VW New Beetle, which wasn’t so much marketed exclusively to women, it just appealed to women while men felt weird about having a flower pot in the dashboard, so the majority of sales were to women, further reinforcing its reputation as a feminine car.
The Fiat 500 also appears to be quite successful at targeting women where I live.
The Minis too to a lesser extent
Basically cute cars with a fun design in general. The difference for the Fiat and Mini being there are sporty versions that guys like as well, so there’s a less prevalent attitude of them being purely “girl cars.”
I’ve always thought that the Ford Probe was the ideal car for a proctologist.
Names You Can’t Get Away With Today
How about Mitsubishi Zero? Still too soon?
No one has mentioned the El Camino? Hmm….
That name literally just means “the road.” How is that offensive?
Conjugate “caminar” and you get “Yo camino”, Spanish for “I walk.”. Never said it was offensive, just dubious for a car.
Except that “El Camino” means “The Road”. “Camino” by itself means either the noun “road” or the verb “I walk”.
They could have named it “El Camion”, which means “The Truck”. Someone probably proposed that, and was voted down.
For a french speaking person, E-tron is a very bad choice. Who wants to buy a turd ?
Yeah, they really should’ve changed it for us. I giggle every time I see one, and I just picture the poor schmuck explaining over and over how it’s called eee-tron and not etron
as Toyota did for the French market for the MR2 (phonetically similar to “et merde!”
I’m still disappointed that the Mercury Marquis never had a de Sade option. You old farts will know where I swiped that from.
What’s stopping you from buying a Marquis and gluing on a “de Sade” in studded black leather ribbon on your own?
I’m a cheap bastard? 😉
Why, are they expensive?
What about a Mercury Marquis with a studded black vinyl roof?
YES!!
GRAND Marquis de Sade…
That’s when the studs are diamonds.
Speaking of the Gipsy, cars named for people groups are generally not good. In one of the most egregious examples, Jeep’s Comanche pickup had a popular trim package that plastered the word “Eliminator” across the bedsides, making it a Comanche Eliminator. Not many vehicles suggest genocide, but that one did, making it for sure an all time worst car name.
…wow…
I guess we won’t be seeing THAT one anytime soon on DT’s Holy Grails….
Lada had special editions of the Niva called the Cossack, given the Soviet Union’s treatment of the Cossack, that one was maybe not in great taste
Also the Volkswagen Tuareg. Less genocidal, more unflattering by association with VW unreliability.
The Comanche angered enough neighboring tribes that the Dakota Cheyenne and Crow might see Comanche Eliminator as a good thing
Here are some future suggestions for brands:
Subaru Durian
VW Jai Alai
Chevrolet Carbet Bagger
Maserati Puttana Marcia
Jeep – Offender
MG Hedgehog
Maybe a Dodge Serial and it can have an Offender trim name
And a Killer trim
I’ll bet a Dodge Putsh would sell
(you might have to put the definition in small print under the badge. Or, at very least, under every mention in advertising for a year or two)
Did you mean Putsch?
I did. Thanks
Well then I think we all know the customer base for that particular vehicle…
https://dims.apnews.com/dims4/default/bb15275/2147483647/strip/true/crop/3000×2000+0+0/resize/599×399!/quality/90/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fstorage.googleapis.com%2Fafs-prod%2Fmedia%2Fb8aa6b0b81c2407e99bb61e95a9e4331%2F3000.jpeg
Yeah. I have thankfully forgotten his name, but Horn Guy might need a targa top.
Inconsequential trivia: though popular culture associates horns with Vikings, the helmets with curved horns found in a bog in Denmark are actually now thought to have been ritually deposited there some 1,500 years before the Viking age. And they were fighters: not gonna wear two big handles on their heads that an enemy could potentially grab 😉
Yep. I’ve visited a few Viking museums in Sweden and the horns are never on the recreated helms.
I can’t speak for the Danes or Norges though. They’re…different.
Ah, the Beer Gut Putsch.
But a regular Maserati Puttana is okay, right? RIGHT?
Always thought Studebaker should have gone with “Benevolent Despot” as well.
I remember when the Dodge Demon was a dirty word. Chrysler changed it to Dart Sport. It seems that a few religious groups didn’t think that a car (or anything for that matter) should be named after a minion of h e double hockey sticks! They especially weren’t keen on the logo showing said minion holding a pitchfork!
Even more offensive would have been the Dodge Priest – at least in hindsight. Pedophile priests were and are very real, and demons are just imaginary.
Heaven forbid-no pun intended.
Answer: Dodge priest.
Question: What did members of the youth choir have to get good at?
I don’t imagine they were big fans of the Dart Swinger, either.
Actually that one went better and survived until the end of Dart production. My mother actually had one. Beige 2 door with a brown vinyl top. Slant six automatic. Thing loved to go thru starter motors but the engine was indestructible!
Did no-one else see the problem with the Ford Escort? Just me?
Could have gone with Ford Escargo for some mental gymnastics.
Not to be confused with the Nissan S-Cargo, which was shaped (somewhat) like a snail.
I can’t tell you how much I cursed at Sears the day I understood that their rooftop cargo carriers said “X-Cargo” and had a picture of a snail.
I have an X-Cargo, and I still chuckle & roll my eyes at that logo!
Well it WAS cheap…
The down-market version is the Ford Hooker, I suppose.
…you know, until you made this comment, I don’t think I had ever interpreted it that way.
Still, I think they had their heads in the right place–the car “escorts” you to your destination?
Like most Ford names, I think it’s at least serviceable.
I think we could safely assume all manufacturers have their heads in the right place when they come up with a given name. It’s only after getting out into the wild that people stop and think “that means something dirty and/or ridiculous in my language”.
You’re missing David’s official Least Politically Correctly Named Car: the Comanche Eliminator.
That sure is something.
Well don’t blame us for the whole butt probe thing. Those damn Greys keep giving us out of town folks a bad name. Total weirdos.
The dumbest name I know that is used today is the one got the top model of the Hyundai Santa Fe. It is the “Calligraphy”. I’m going to be inspired to buy a car because it has nice handwriting?
Should have gotten an old LeSabre to use as your daily and taken a stab at restoring the Scimitar yourself, Torch. I bet you could have made it look real sharp
Just imagine if he had gotten his hands on a Buick LaCrosse-which from my understanding is Canadian slang for masturbation!
Buick actually had to use a different nameplate in Canada because of it!
Thank you for pointing that out
Even in 1932, Chevrolet didn’t use the “Confederate” name in any pre-purchase advertising nor anywhere on the exterior of the car. But not for the reason you’d think.
Chevy used a different name every year from the late ’20s through the early ’30s that way (others included Capital, National, International and, get this, Mercury) – they appeared only on post-purchase reference materials like shop and parts manuals and nowhere on the car but the firewall plate, because it was more of a reference code than a model name as such.
Unfortunate fact: There is a town in Saskatchewan called Tisdale which had many farms producing rapeseed and many apiaries. So they decided that their town slogan should be, well…
“The Land of Rape and Honey.”
They chose the slogan in 1958. They kept it for a LONG time, they didn’t change it until 2016. It even became the title of a Ministry album. It was on a giant sign at the entrance to town and everything!
Knowing they kept if for that long makes the “Don’t worry, it’s his sister” joke on Schitt’s Creek more believable.
I admit to absolutely having adored that Ministry album, but had no idea where that aggressively (appropriately? I thought so) ugly title came from.
My 1993 Ford Probe (GT) was at the receiving end of so many jokes in high school, but(t) still remains one of the greatest front wheel drive sporting cars I’ve ever piloted. The chalk paint that appeared on my windows as our graduation ceremony approached should not be shared here.
I’ve often heard that it was supposed to replace the mighty Mustang. If only Ford picked a better name, perhaps it could have lived a legacy as a little brother.
Maybe one day NASA will contract with Ford to explore the reaches of our galaxy and they will resurrect the name!
Fun fact: The next generation of Ford Probe was supposed to be mid-engined and use the 3.4 liter transverse Yamaha V8 drivetrain from the Taurus SHO.
If THAT was the version of the Probe that was supposed to replace the Mustang, muscle cars could’ve evolved quite differently. Perhaps being V8 and RWD would’ve been enough for it to actually have been the next Mustang generation…
Canola is a marketing name for a particular kind of rapeseed oil. It means CANadian Oil, Low Acid.
Basically all canola is rapeseed oil, but not all rapeseed oil is canola.
And some car names you can’t use today are because of past cars. Pinto. Corvair. Yugo. Le Car. Canyonero.
I think any “Canyonero” would be a huge seller specifically because of its past.
I feel like the Corvair has been defended enough now that there would be a market for it as a Porsche Boxster/Cayman or Toyobaru competitor nowadays, especially with the Camaro gone and GM already having some experience putting engines behind the driver with the new Corvette. Back in the day it was basically a 911 before the 911, but available in more body styles and for regular car money. Alternately, it could be called the Monza as a nod to the sporty Corvairs without using the Corvair name.
But seriously, fast economy car with great handling and an interesting drivetrain layout with coupe, sedan, wagon/hatchback, van, and truck body styles and attractive styling would sell like hotcakes nowadays and make Chevy cool again.
The Monza was used for this Vega-based thing.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chevrolet_Monza
The best Vega variant! Super aerodynamic and basically an obscure economy muscle car, which was supposed to have a rotary engine. Still disappointed GM cancelled their rotary, but it’s probably for the best.