Let’s try something just a bit different today, because it’s cold and gray out and the year is almost over and maybe sometimes it just feels good to do something together, right? So let’s do that! Let’s look at one of these old brochure pictures and the human figures within it, and imagine, with our pulpy, damp brains, what those people might perhaps be saying, trying to forget that the people shown in this nearly 60-year-old brochure are very likely now dead. So, off we go!
I’ll get us started. Here’s what I imagine is being said:
“Hey, baby, be a doll and cover me while I take a leak into this birdbath.”
or perhaps
“This has nothing to do with my fear of ivy. I just prefer to enjoy this party outside, smoking and clutching this birdbath. Now stand between me and the ivy that’s trying to kill me.”
or even
“I bet they’ll let us back in soon. I just think if Danielle didn’t want people immersing their arms in the clam dip up to the elbow, she could have said something instead of being such a bitch about it.”
You know, like that, but better. Would it help if you had a better idea of what a 1964 Singer Vogue was engineered? Here you go:
There, I bet that helps!
No, it’s NOT an Aston Martin. I told you my name is Bound – James Bound. It’s not my fault you misunderstood me. Now, are we going to your place, or not?
“Agnes, you didn’t tell me this was a key party.”
“Oh Roger, do be a good sport about it. And don’t worry; I won’t let him drive your car.”
Dear, the cards clearly said, Ms. Blonde, in the Garden, with a bird bath… I don’t make up the rules, but rules are rules. Now help me kill you with this bird bath.
Don’t throw a wobbly, I know my brother is an arrogant wanker, but let’s just show our faces for 30 minutes at his little Do, by then he’ll have drank himself pissed, and then I’ll take you on a drive in our 1964 mint-green Series III Singer Vogue saloon.
Woman: “Just stay calm. Don’t turn around, and don’t make eye contact. The Singer Vogue can’t see you if you don’t move. Just stay…perfectly..still.”
Singer Vogue: [revs]
Man: [stifled scream]
Act normal, maybe that green oversized sewing machine will go away
“What do you mean this isn’t the Vogue you wanted me to put you in?”
“Darling, I thought the Buffy and Todd would be green with envy when pulled up to the club in our new car…”
“Yes let’s face it….it’s a ‘64 Singer…”
“My stars, what a firm backside you have!”
“That’s a birdbath, Philip”
“I don’t care what you call it, my dear.”
This drive-thru baptism really was a great idea. Now turn around and dunk the baby, honey, there’s a line of cars waiting behind us.
“Janet?”
“Yes Phillip?”
“You’ve just lost The Game.”
What do you mean “When you told me you drove a Singer, I thought of something else”?
Boy am I drunk! Can’t even – Look at me Shirley! – stand up. Burp. Did I buy that green car?
I bought it because it matches my pocket square.
That is a cool car in a cool color
The Singer Vogue is sweating bullets, knowing it’s shocks will be tortured for a few minutes to a few hours and how long the shocks will last.
Just ignore it. Maybe it’ll go away.
Don’t bother asking those folks in there for directions, the GPS said this is the most direct route…now help me move this bird-bath out the road.
We present the (brand) Techni. Colored components help you when repairs are required. Available in 12 distinct colors of green. Perfect for taking you and your wife, or girlfriend, to the Debutant’s Ball. 8% discount for St Patty’s day.
Pssst. Soylent green is people!
“I really think we can get this birdbath into the car AND get the car back down the stairs before anyone notices.”
“I didn’t say we couldn’t, just that we shouldn’t.”
“Hell if I know how the valet got it up there. Just get ready for a bumpy ride down the steps as we leave.”
I’m not in favor of the stereotype that when some women date older men, all they see is green.
I know I told you that I had Mercedes Benz, Helen, but if you just stand back and squint, you will never know the difference.
Can you drive? I’m so wasted my color filter is wonky!