This week, our lovely contributor Mark Tucker gave Autopian readers a fun assignment to pick the perfect cars for the apocalypse. While it’s fun to think about all of the cool ways you could have used this week’s vehicles, considering the human element is something that’ll warm your heart.
When you really think about it, a post-apocalyptic society would likely work best by pooling the strengths of everyone together. When you view it from that angle, then every vehicle featured in this week’s Shitbox Showdowns would have some use. And the truth is that heck, having a strong community is great in real life, too. Zeppelopod explains:
I’m glad this is about assigning which vehicle gets the convoy leader’s butt in its seat and not about picking one single do-everything vehicle.
Because as humans, our strength is in community and diversity. It falls to us to work together and leverage our individual strengths for the common good. I kinda touched on this in my assessment of the Volt. It will never be your sole post-apocalypse vehicle due to the fragile weak points and low ground clearance.
In the same way, each of these vehicles brings unique strengths and weaknesses to the table. The RV is the town hall where survivors can sleep and share stories, plan to build a new world after the dust settles. The Express is reliable logistics and even a mobile watch tower. The Panther is a bruiser who can take it right on the chin and keep protecting the others. And the humble Volt is a power plant who can keep radios and refrigerators running.
We’re all in this together.
I love how the poor Volt is not being used as a car here, but as a mobile generator.
One of the Autopian in-jokes is our use of SNL-era Jon Lovitz as a stand-in for former Stellantis CEO Carlos Tavares. Does Lovitz even know we’re doing this? I don’t know, but I love this crazy idea that started with Drew:
Was Carlos Tavares worth it?
To Stellantis? No. To this site? Yes. To SNL? Also yes.
AssMatt:
While we’re at it, I’d like to see somebody explain “pictured above” to Lovitz.
10001010:
We desperately need an exclusive Jon Lovitz interview video on this site where Matt with a totally straight face peppers him with questions about destroying Stellantis.
Ash78:
Lovitz is on Cameo, we can make this happen starting at $150.
This is a terrible idea, and yet I’m smiling end to end.
Finally, Tesla wants to run a free “robotaxi” service, but there’s still going to be a human driver inside so I guess it’s not much different than an Uber. But, wait a minute, KYFire has a point:
Jason, you’re looking at this all wrong. You’re looking at people as people.
Instead, think like Elon. People not on his plane of existence are simply autonomous squishy robots without wants, needs, or feelings.
Ergo, success! Elon has achieved Level 4 driving!
Genius! Have a great weekend, everyone.
Topshot image: Chevrolet
Go team!
C’mon. Give Lovitz a break. The last thing he needs is greasy driveway monkeys in Mercedes Benz coveralls rushing him everytime he shows up in public.
Definitely need to show this man some respect, for he is a master thespian.
While an electric car can’t keep up in a Mad Max convoy, I don’t get why no one thinks about that if you’re settled somewhere, it’s way easier to rig up with ways to make electricity than to make gasoline. Then you’ve got a vehicle to extend your carrying power and range for gathering/trading for/stealing supplies with no need to find someone to trade for gas. Sure, a small solar or wind set up isn’t going to charge your car to full every day, but you’re not going to be burning a tank of gas extra day either (again, unless you’re a War Boy in Immortan Joe’s army)
This. I have thought a lot about energy- and movement-independence and if the world is on fire, which doesn’t mean the US has to burn, but say the seas are the battlefield, a la WW2 where Germany was lurking below the seas to torp Allied convoys, then you don’t want to be relying on gasoline. It will become quickly unavailable or extremely expensive. Even with all the fracking and stuff going – the refineries are in the west and the oil is in the east of the US and because of the Jones act not much oil is being moved between the 2 sides AND if there is a war at sea, e.g. drones with torpedoes making sure nothing is moved out of the Gulf of
MexicoAmerica to the west, if the Panama canal isn’t already blown up by then.So then you just use your handful of solar panels and … charge your car. Even if gasoline would be banned, $100 a gallon or only allowed for short government exempted trips – your electric car would be able to go anyway and nobody would care.
Well actually I think the government will confiscate all electric cars ‘for war purposes’, after they found out how dumb they were to promote fossil fuel based cars for decades because of, well ehhh, the oil & gas industry.
April 2045
Pierre the Terrible is Master of Europe
Only the New England Confederation Fleet stands before him
OCEANS ARE NOW BATTLEFIELDS
I imagine AUVs will roam around the oceans, like smart moving mines, making the blockade of Britain in WW2 by the German U-boats look like child’s play.
They’d know which ships are ‘theirs’ or ‘ours’ and are hard to defend against even with active sonar and anti-sub torpedos and what not since they’re so cheap to run and can do massive damage against anything sailing on the seas.
Most of the refinery capacity of the US is on the Gulf (of *MEXICO*) Coast, in Texas and Louisiana, and there is no shortage of barges to move the refined products around. The refineries on the West Coast only service the West Coast for the most part (and are a big reason gas is so much more expensive out there, it’s a captive market with little competition, and the oil companies *love* it that way). And they are refining oil from the West, not the East. There is about zero oil being shipped around from the Gulf to the West Coast, and the Jones Act is the least of the reasons why.
Currently, a LOT of US oil is exported, and we import a lot of oil and refined products – but the US has been a net exporter of oil for a long time. That’s because it’s cheaper (and more environmentally friendly locally) to do that, not because it’s impossible for the US to use it’s own oil. In an emergency, you can bet all that would change in a nanosecond.
If society ever collapses to the point that gas is $100/gal, I suggest getting a horse, not an EV.
I wrote that in case of issues at sea the price of oil will easily skyrocket or could become impossible to get. An EV can still move around without being reliant on oil/fossil fuel/open seas/refineries/pipelines. A horse can only carry so much and needs feed 365 days a year. You can charge an EV for 7 days and it won’t need any hay or other stuff. Especially when gas would be expensive I think that EV will be very very useful to have.
I think an old-school diesel that will run on almost anything would be a lot more useful. You can GROW diesel fuel. For that matter, you can make your own alcohol and run a spark-ignition engine on that. But very little beats an old-school mechanical diesel for simplicity and longevity. EVs are not simple, just because they have fewer moving parts. The moving parts are the easy part.
But a horse is probably more useful still at that point. Or two, then you can make more of them yourself hopefully. Or better yet, donkeys. Tougher and stronger per unit of food required, and even less fussy about what they will eat.
While vegetable oil is definitely viable – it will take a long time to grow fuel like that on demand. You’d have to stockpile it. In a world where sea lanes are closed or blockaded, but before a real post-apocalypitic situation like Fallout depicts (the series) – among many other SciFi movies of course, I see a world where gas is very expensive, other stuff will be unavailable or very expensive, but people still have to go places and EVs can charge fine on a bunch of regular solar panels on top of your house or in a field behind a farm etc. As long as there are enough panels for everyone to charge what they need then there is no need to steal those. But if you have a bunch of barrels filled with (vegetable) oil for a diesel then I can bet you that ppl will visit your place. You’d be an exception to have them – nobody in a city can grow (enough) plants to create diesel. Think of a regular suburb, a smal village etc. People living in the big cities in highrises and browstones and what not are screwed but then again they don’t need transportation probably.
So in that intermediate situation where the world isn’t bombed, where there are no zombies, where we don’t have villages turned into forts (Last of us), we just have less (cheap) fuel available, then we need to have mechanised transportation. If fuel cannot come from the ground in the form of oil because refineries aren’t working (well) then having that EV parked in front of your house (or community/sharing it) would be a good alternative (to horses) imho.
You are certainly entitled to your opinion. <shrug>
I say things like this a lot with regards to renewables on the personal level. People talk about how you won’t “save money” for X years, etc but completely discount the value of being able to be off grid and not miss a beat. Even if I never save a penny, and adding solar to my house was net 0 (reduction in utility bills = cost of solar install), I still gain utility in that the grid could go down and my life doesn’t change dramatically.
At the very minimum, it’s an insurance policy. I want an electric car for the same reason. Not even as a daily, but a used Leaf or Volt are cheap as hell. Refurb the batteries keep them conditioned, and you have a reasonably reliable car with a decent range that won’t need guzzoleen.
I’ve long told people that it’s going to be a LOT easier to get electricity than gas after a pretty short time. And that time could be very short, depending on the cause of the fall of civilization. Your best bets are going to be human-powered vehicles, pack animals, riding animals, and electric vehicles. A cargo bike is going to be an amazing vehicle (except, possibly, for zombies, given the lack of protection), and an electric assist on it is going to be one of the most efficient ways to increase your range and hauling capabilities.
This. Making own electricity, even in smaller amounts is absolutely key. A smaller solar array can allow you to keep a fridge/freezer running along with some lights, radios, and even TV/DVD while you hunker down in your improvised fortress.
Maybe Elon is actually learning from his mistakes and wants to be staffed-up from the get-go since he’s now frantically trying to rehire the air-traffic controllers and Bird Flu experts he auto-fired because the AI said to?
We seriously need that Lovitz interview!
Yes! If they make it so, I’ll become a member!