Home » My Fiancee Taking Her Car To The Lexus Dealership For Service Is Killing Me

My Fiancee Taking Her Car To The Lexus Dealership For Service Is Killing Me

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Today I found myself at the Lexus dealership for my fiancee’s regular checkup of her 2017 RX350. She seems to enjoy going to this dealership, and since I know there’s (resale) value in her continuing to have that car serviced there, I don’t protest. But here’s the thing: Sometimes the dealership suggests expensive repairs that I can do myself for cheap. But I’m starting to get the impression that my fiancee, Elise (not her real name) would rather just have the dealer do it, especially since my last few repairs haven’t quite gone…swimmingly. Here, allow me to voice a few excuses.

For the longest time, I’ve been doing my own work on my cars. It’s saved me bundles, and — at least when it’s relatively easy stuff like brakes and wipers and batteries — I quite enjoy the wrenching. But now I’m no longer dealing with just my own cars; my fiancee is bringing a Lexus into the family. Specifically, an RX350. And her usual practice of taking it to the dealership and having them fix what needs fixing is something that bothers me deeply.

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I’ve mentioned this before. The amount of money you can save fixing a car yourself instead of having the dealership do it is insane. A few months ago, we got this quote from the dealership:

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$1,120.78 plus tax, so about $1,200 all-in for a basic brake job?! No way. I ordered up the best parts I could find from Advance Auto Parts:

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That only cost me about $400, saving us $800 in total — a total no-brainer  Also a no-brainer was the 12-volt battery replacement; I bought a new black brick from Costco and installed it. That seems to have worked well. Then I swapped out the wipers, front and rear. I bought these highly-rated wipers from Amazon:

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This all seems well and good. I’m saving us money, helping us get on a path towards prosperity! But lately, I’ve hit a bit of a snag. I think Elise (not her real name) has lost a bit of faith in my wrenching skills, and through no fault of my own! OK, maybe it is my fault to some degree, as I’m reading forum posts now from Toyota folks who say: Just buy OEM parts.

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In the Jeep world, you can buy a cheap Autozone part and it’ll almost certainly be no problem I’ve founded after 15 years of wrenching on Jeeps. But it seems that there is a significantly higher percentage of Toyota owners who go OEM. I think, based on my rather limited examples, I’m starting to understand why now. When it came time to replace Elise’s brakes, I went to Advance Auto and got its top-of-the-line Carquest Platinum/Premium pads and rotors. I’ve never had any issues with these, and installing them was a breeze. All the brackets and holes in the rotors and brake pad backing plates fit exactly how they should. I was diligent with installation, I cleaned the hub to make sure it was flat, I used grease where it made sense, and on and on. It was a basic brake job.

And yet, a mere 4,000 miles later the rotors seem to be trashed. There’s tons of brake dust building up on the wheels, and when I tap the brakes at 70 mph, the steering wheel shudders. The windshield wipers, too, are terrible, leaving streak marks all over the glass.  My two most obvious repairs had failed, and I think Elise wants to go back to just having the dealer do the job. If I were her, I would, too.

So I’m trying to figure out how to salvage this, because I do think doing our own brake and suspension work is going to save us a bundle long-term. Right now I’m in a weird spot, because the dealership is telling us “hey, this is wrong with your car,” Elise asks me for my opinion, and I naturally always say “I got this.” And it feels like there’s some doubt there from her and some judgement from the dealer. And I’m just there…sitting in the dealership feeling supremely awkward.

Sot I need to step it up; this ain’t some old Jeep I’m dealing with, I’m working on a modern Lexus that needs to be extremely safe and comfortable, and that needs to pass the scrutiny of a dealership that has incentive to instill a bit of doubt in Elise’s mind about my wrenching skills. I just need to remind myself how much I’m saving on labor as I fork over Benjamins to the Toyota parts counter.

And that’s not even addressing another pressing issue, which is: At what point do I just let a shop work on our cars? Time is becoming harder and harder to come by, and while I still am fundamentally opposed to shelling out 1200 bucks on some basic brake work, it’s possible I’ll have to change my mind on that someday as I run out of moments left to spare. I’m no longer a single man with 14 cars and nothing but time.

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And then there’s the fact that her dealership does 10,000 miles oil-change intervals, something that may check out scientifically, but that I think is probably a bad idea for someone who does daily short commutes like Elise does. Do I just do the oil changes myself even though she wants to service her car at the dealer and even though it’d look good on a Carfax seeing it was regularly dealer-serviced. It’s entirely up to her, of course, but it’s hard for me — a diehard wrencher — to bite my tongue in the face of a $1,200 bill for some disks and pads.Yikes!

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Dr. Dan
Dr. Dan
1 month ago

C’mon David, I feel like you should know better. No is going to care that her 2017 RX350 was “dealer maintained.” And oem parts are already cheap toyota parts… no need to cheap out EVEN more. Get some decent bosch blades from rockauto and search for the cheapest toyota oem rotors and pads. She should pay for the parts, and you can do the labor for gratis. At no point should anyone go to the dealer for maintenance items (local porsche dealer has a $325 hourly labor rate).

Hard to resist the free, full cafe at the Lexus dealer though.

Nitro0o
Nitro0o
1 month ago

I’ll pile on with what others are saying here. Don’t work on your partners daily driver. You are exposing yourself to potential unnecessary conflict! The goal in a relationship should be to avoid unnecessary conflict! Haha

MrLM002
MrLM002
1 month ago

Simple solution: She pays for her own repairs with her own money.

You can do it for her and eat the cost of labor and be a lot cheaper or she can choose to pay a dealership a lot more to do it.

If she want’s to spend more money than necessary that’s on her.

However if it’s YOUR money and YOUR time getting spent on her shit she needs to sign the title over to you, because that’s your car now.

If she wants to blow all her money on stuff then she can live with the consequences of her actions, like having to live off of ramen and water for a month after blowing all her cash.

Bite Me
Bite Me
1 month ago
Reply to  MrLM002

How many divorces have you had

MrLM002
MrLM002
1 month ago
Reply to  Bite Me

None, known a lot of people who have gotten divorced.

Common theme tends to be resentment bred from letting things that would normally end a relationship continue in a marriage until it reaches a breaking point which usually ends in a messy divorce.

If I buy something for someone that they wanted it’s their responsibility from the point they take possession of it. I can and often do help them when asked, but it’s not expected of me, as it isn’t my possession.

If they buy their own thing they do so with the understanding that they bought it and I have no obligation to help them.

I’ve had two friends ask me for advice about specific cars they were considering buying, both cars were pieces of shit and I told them both this and specifically how they were pieces of shit before they bought the cars, then they ignored my concerns and bought them. Surprise surprise both had the serious issues I said would pop up one of which totaled the car not long after purchase, and the other cost as much as the car sold for in repairs alone, and then it met an end under suspicious circumstances…

I’m not here to subsidize people’s bad decisions, nor am I here to infantilize grown ass adults.

Bite Me
Bite Me
1 month ago
Reply to  MrLM002

If they buy their own thing they do so with the understanding that they bought it and I have no obligation to help them.

Ah yes, I remember looking my lovely bride in her tearful, smiling eyes on that beautiful day overlooking the mountains as the officiant recited the classic tenet of matrimony: “You hereby enter this marriage with no obligation to help one another”. Truly, a loving partnership is a beautiful thing, especially the part where you don’t have to do anything for one another.

Common theme tends to be resentment bred from letting things that would normally end a relationship continue in a marriage until it reaches a breaking point which usually ends in a messy divorce.

Yeah buddy, I’ve found that men who treat their partners like irresponsible teenagers because they didn’t look for a partner that’s an equal and instead followed shallow desires or picked someone they could control end up breeding resentment in their marriages. It often ends up looking something like this:

If she wants to blow all her money on stuff then she can live with the consequences of her actions, like having to live off of ramen and water for a month after blowing all her cash.

MrLM002
MrLM002
1 month ago
Reply to  Bite Me

Ah yes, I remember looking my lovely bride in her tearful, smiling eyes on that beautiful day overlooking the mountains as the officiant recited the classic tenet of matrimony: “You hereby enter this marriage with no obligation to help one another”. Truly, a loving partnership is a beautiful thing, especially the part where you don’t have to do anything for one another.

I don’t help people out of obligation, and I hope you feel no obligation to help your wife, instead you do so because you love and care for her, not because of a sense of obligation.

Yeah buddy, I’ve found that men who treat their partners like irresponsible teenagers because they didn’t look for a partner that’s an equal and instead followed shallow desires or picked someone they could control end up breeding resentment in their marriages. It often ends up looking something like this:

Noone is truly equal, but considering the great variance in our abilities when comparing one to another there is a base level of respect I treat people with and in that sense the base level of respect is equal.

How do I know you are competent in a given field without knowing you? I don’t. Most of the time a Chef doesn’t make for a good Pilot, and a Pilot doesn’t make for a good Chef, but that doesn’t mean either skillset is useless, rather it means they have specific use cases, and knowledge expertise centered around those fields.

I do not expect anyone to be a master at everything, or even a Jack of All Trades, rather I expect them to have a base level of competency necessary to survive in this world as an adult, hopefully they have some useful knowledge outside of that, which is hopefully in a field they like.

Do you believe I am controlling you now? Because this is the extent of my “control” I wield over others.

Say you have 2 people who live in a home. They each have jobs that pay the same, they both work the same hours, and they both have the same amount of free time, home expenses are divided equally between both parties.

Person A saves their money and limits frivolous expenditures, resulting in them having more money for things like food and such.

Person B blows all their money, and ends up having less money to spend on things like food and such, resulting in a diet of cheap food and drink like ramen and water.

Is Person A controlling Person B?

In my experience a lot of people are irresponsible monetarily, and in so doing a lot of their monetary problems are problems of their own creation. I believe in a person’s right to make their own choices once they reach adulthood, and insodoing bear the responsibility for the outcome of said choices.

If your partner decided to spend all her time killing peoples pets do you feel obligated to buy her the tools to do so, to bail her out, to pay her legal fees, to defend her physically from the pet owners while she’s killing their pets?

I sure hope not, because you’d just be an enabler of atrocities.

Bite Me
Bite Me
1 month ago
Reply to  MrLM002

Good lord dude, I understand why your friends don’t listen to you now

MrLM002
MrLM002
1 month ago
Reply to  Bite Me

Resulting to Ad Hominem one liners instead of acknowledging the fault in your logic or at least arguing your case.

Considering more than half of marriages end in divorce:

“May the odds be ever in your favor”

Bite Me
Bite Me
1 month ago
Reply to  MrLM002

Oh dang you called my insult an ad hominem, you win! Congrats buddy. Debate over, you can give yourself a firm pat on the back.

TDI in PNW
TDI in PNW
1 month ago

There’s your problem…. don’t buy off-brand, cheap parts.



James Colangelo
James Colangelo
1 month ago

What brand are those wipers even? Lol. Come on David…and those brakes are a crap brand. Just let her fix her car the way she wants.. it’ll save your precious time and heartache which also has value.

John Boyd
John Boyd
1 month ago

OEM parts is a lesson most people have to learn on their first Toyota.

My previous car was an Isuzu Rodeo, with *lots* of GM parts. 9/10 a Carquest/Dorman/etc. part was as good or better than stock.

With Toyota, the Toyota brand parts are part of what make it reliable. There are a few cases where you can get away with aftermarket, but there are a lot where you just have to cry and buy OEM (looking at you CV joints).

That said, I’m surprised brakes are what got you. Brakes and rotors I usually go with a mid grade Power Stop from RockAuto. I used to be 100% Akebono, but had a set that just would not stop squeaking on me, for reasons I still don’t understand.

On the other hand, you totally screwed up on the windshield wipers. I wouldn’t cheap out any further than Trico from RockAuto for those. And if you want to impress, go for the Trico Silicone Ceramic. Still cheaper than Bosch Icons, and damn good wipers.

Balloondoggle
Balloondoggle
1 month ago

Happy wife, happy life. I’m sure you can appreciate the stress relief of not having one more thing on the honey-do list, and it gives her peace of mind.

Let it go, grasshopper.

Max Headbolts
Max Headbolts
1 month ago

Just let her have her vehicle serviced however she wants to, you have plenty of vehicles to work on; and limited time together already. It may not seem like it, but yes just let her take her car to the dealer if that’s what makes her happy. Be the calm rational heel to the service writer’s overabundance of ink and have one more quiet morning together eating brunch instead of covered in grease (since Elise, not her real name) doesn’t seem to be interested in wrenching herself.

And yes, Toyota’s and Honda’s get OEM parts, they’re reputation for longevity exists for a reason. I certainly appreciate a vehicle with extensive dealer service records on the car fax.

Taylor Smith
Taylor Smith
1 month ago
Reply to  Max Headbolts

This is the way, I tried to offer to do things for my spouses car for many years in the past, but with my girlfriend now, I just let her do what she wants. Her car is leased anyway, so I’d rather let the dealer touch it. They did try to swindle her for a new filter which she doesn’t need and I’ll do that. Otherwise, it’s best to let it go and let her do what she wants beyond basic maintenance reminders. As it pertains to my car, I’ll do what I want.

Angry Bob
Angry Bob
1 month ago

She chose the car, she choose the dealership, and she enjoys taking the car to the dealership. Don’t mess with a good thing. She doesn’t want you to fix the car, she just wants it fixed. There is a big difference there and it took me a divorce to figure it out.

When you’re married and have kids and the financial realities of that kick in, she’ll realize that $1200 brake jobs are no longer in the budget and will ask you to fix her car. That’s the time to step up.

Dr. Dan
Dr. Dan
1 month ago
Reply to  Angry Bob

When you’re married and have kids and the financial realities of that kick in, she’ll realize that $1200 brake jobs are no longer in the budget and will ask you to fix her car. That’s the time to step up.”

VERY wise words.

Bearddevil
Bearddevil
1 month ago

I am always extremely wary of the “letter salad” brands from Amazon, even if they do have “good” reviews. Those reviews can be, and are frequently, gamed. Just buy your wiper blades from Rock Auto and get a good, reputable brand of the right flavor for the car you’re working on. I have noticed that Toyotas and Hondas are picky about brake rotors. Also, pad compound makes a big difference in dust level and amount of damage to the rotor. I personally like the Akebono pads for my vehicles, and I usually try and get a cryo-treated rotor with the e-coated hat. Again, Rock Auto comes in clutch, and I can usually get all 4 corners for less than you paid at Advance Auto, though I do have to wait for shipping.

Msuitepyon
Msuitepyon
1 month ago

I was given my TT from my dad and my wife and I bought a GMC Acadia with nearly 100k miles. Between those two, I put about $2000 worth of maintenance parts (oil change, brakes, brake fluid, filters, spark plugs, etc.) and minor repairs (TT needed an ABS pump) and about 5 days-worth of labor (with frequent breaks and interruptions by children). I estimated I saved about $4000 doing the work myself, but holy hell did I pay for it. My arms got all cut up, back and knees were sore, and I taught my kids more curse words than I care to admit. But now I have two good cars that I am confident in. And a hell of a lot of RockAuto magnets (like at least 20).

I’m starting to see the benefit of taking it to a shop (maybe not necessarily a dealer), but I’m still having trouble justifying the cost associated with having someone else do the repairs. Also, being a former dealer tech, I know that techs may not necessarily have the same work ethic and attention to detail that I would have as I do working on my own vehicles.

Jason Smith
Jason Smith
1 month ago

As someone who has exclusively Toyota vehicles in the garage, I can attest that OEM is the only way to go for hard parts. It’s almost as if the rest of the vehicle will reject the offending part and it will fail in an almost comically short time.
Consumables (batteries, wiper blades, etc.) are the exception, I generally just to Interstate batteries from Costco as well as the Michelin wiper blades they go on sale every fall.

Last edited 1 month ago by Jason Smith
Mrbrown89
Mrbrown89
1 month ago

After looking at the maintenance record of my husband car (lack of basic oil changes, tires not matching, running low on gas all the time), I forced him to go electric after we got married, he doesn’t care about oil changes neither has the time to take it to the dealer, an electric car is perfect for him. He drives 20k miles per year, the Chevy Bolt is holding up great, brakes look new to me and only one set of tires so far has been replaced, wipers still good.

He loves the car, not having to stop for gas or waiting to warm it up on the winter. He just drives and go places, he is a Registered Nurse, the last thing I want for him is to worry about car issues.

Last edited 1 month ago by Mrbrown89
Echo Stellar
Echo Stellar
1 month ago

Lexus offers a feature in its online parts store that allows you to check pricing on factory parts at various dealerships. The pricing is highly variable, including some that offer free shipping, so it’s worth clicking through several of the options before buying. Buying Toyota branded parts that obviously fit Lexus saves a lot too. For some reason a dealer group on the east coast has the best pricing and service-Ourisman, I think.

PresterJohn
PresterJohn
1 month ago

Definitely stand firm on doing at least the oil yourself. That’s the biggest racket in car maintenance. OEM definitely not required here (in that you can normally do as good or better for cheaper). One thing I’ve noticed over the years is NO ONE can beat Walmart on prices for Mobil 1 full synthetic at least here on the east coast.

The wipers, well, I’ve never had a problem with an aftermarket name brand (usually purchased from RockAuto), but I can’t say I’m surprised that Amazon listing didn’t work out. Unfortunately it’s turned into a place where you pay higher prices, but get the same quality as AliExpress.

As for the brakes, I have found that for modern vehicles in general, aftermarket pads and rotors are simply never as good as OEM. This has been true across multiple brands. I just shell out for OEM now and it kills me.

All that being said, it may not be the hill to die on. I would try to help her understand that the resale value will be absolutely fine whether it’s serviced at the dealer or not. It’s a Lexus SUV after all.

Silent But Deadly
Silent But Deadly
1 month ago

Welcome to our world. Enjoy your time here. A positive review upon checking out would be appreciated.

Musicman27
Musicman27
1 month ago

I instantly thought of that song old rock song “SHOT THROUGH THE HEART! AND YOUR TO BLAME!” when I saw the title and the main picture.

Last edited 1 month ago by Musicman27
GirchyGirchy
GirchyGirchy
1 month ago
Reply to  Musicman27

YOU GIVE WRENCHIN’…A BAD NAME!

Loren
Loren
1 month ago

Time for a new Autopian hat, that one has green stuff growing out of it.

JP15
JP15
1 month ago

Welcome to marriage: don’t touch the wife’s car. I do air filters, battery, tire rotations, and wipers myself on my wife’s car, but everything else she has done at the dealer only because charging $200 to replace the cabin air filter and remove the corrosion around the battery terminals is highway robbery. I fixed both of those in 15min with $10 in parts.

Does it cost more money sending it to the dealer for everything else? You bet. Is it worth it to me to blame the dealer if anything goes wrong? ABSOLUTELY.

I learned a long time ago never to let your car hobby proclivities spill into the wife’s daily driver.

VermonsterDad
VermonsterDad
1 month ago
Reply to  JP15

I have learned not to touch the battery on my wife’s car. . .messes up her millage/radio settings. I just do the basic maintenance/oil changes.

Zorah
Zorah
1 month ago
Reply to  JP15

You are wise. In marriage, never put yourself in a position where you might accept blame for a car problem. Let the dealer take the hit and just let her vent like a Tesla battery.

GirchyGirchy
GirchyGirchy
1 month ago
Reply to  JP15

Fuck that. One of the first things I did after we moved in was change my wife’s timing belt and water pump. She was a bit apprehensive (she’d never been involved with or grown up around someone who did any DIY maintenance at all), but it went fine, because I’m good at it.

Later on, she was happy when I started doing the oil changes on her Mazda3 after the free coupons ran out; it’s more convenient for me to do it than for her to drop it off and sit there.

MikeF
MikeF
1 month ago
Reply to  GirchyGirchy

Yeah, I do all the maintenance unless it’s under an included program. Have there been a handful of times over 20 years where there’s been a problem? Sure. More than if she had been paying a dealer? I doubt it.

JP15
JP15
1 month ago
Reply to  GirchyGirchy

It has nothing to do with skill. I could do a timing belt and water pump too if I felt like it. However, if I’m tearing apart a front end to do that, I’d much rather do it on my own cars where some go-fast bits can also make their way into the car at the same time. Doing all the wife’s maintenance on top of my own two cars’ maintenance spoils the fun of car tinkering really quickly for me.

I never want cars to become a chore.

GirchyGirchy
GirchyGirchy
1 month ago
Reply to  JP15

That’s an entirely different reason than your first post.

Martin Ibert
Martin Ibert
1 month ago

Leave not-Elise’s car alone.

Jochen Hoercher
Jochen Hoercher
1 month ago

I think that’s a little bit of cognitive dissonance with us petrolheads. We always look for a consistently dealer serviced car … just to dismiss it further complaining the “stealership” doesn’t know a nut from a bolt anyway and insist on doing services and check-ups ourselves.

Cheap Bastard
Cheap Bastard
1 month ago

Whose money is being spent?

1). Her car, her money? Her choice

2). Her car David’s money, his choice. (But with *good* quality parts if DIY)

3). Her car, joint money? Figure it out. Probably major stuff option 1, maintainence stuff option 2.

4) Her car, insurance payout money? Fuck it, new car.

There’s an old adage; happy wife, happy life. Learn it. Live it.

EsotericBlue
EsotericBlue
1 month ago
Reply to  Cheap Bastard

I’ve spotted the (at least once) married man 🙂

David, I say this:

“Plug and play, do your thing all day
Anything but, take it to the lot”

I do wipers and air filters only for my significant other, everything else is for the dealer.

GirchyGirchy
GirchyGirchy
1 month ago
Reply to  Cheap Bastard

Yeah, keyword good quality…maybe not OEM rotors/pads, but Akebono, which is often recommended by Toyota owners. Wipers are a legit brand, not some letter soup brand on Amazon with paid reviews.

Cheap Bastard
Cheap Bastard
1 month ago
Reply to  GirchyGirchy

Eh. I’ve had good luck with dirt cheap wiper refills by the foot. The key is to make sure to buy the right shape and size for your wiper blade frame.

Last edited 1 month ago by Cheap Bastard
AlterId
AlterId
1 month ago

And I’m just there…sitting in the dealership feeling supremely awkward.

Maybe I’ve missed something – I’ve never met anyone I could stand to be with (or, to be fair and honest, who could stand to be with me) all the way through a three-day weekend – but apart from the specific location, isn’t that pretty much what marriage* amounts to anyway?

*To include any longstanding, initially romantic relationship regardless of legal status, shared residency and/or agreed-upon exclusivity, sexual or otherwise.

Last edited 1 month ago by AlterId
Cheap Bastard
Cheap Bastard
1 month ago
Reply to  AlterId

Maybe I’ve missed something – I’ve never met anyone I could stand to be with (or, to be fair and honest, who could stand to be with me) all the way through a three-day weekend – but apart from the specific location, isn’t that pretty much what marriage* amounts to anyway?

My favorite quote from the old TV show “Mad About You” was their description of the core of marriage:

“I put up with your crap, you put up with mine.”

Yeah, that works.

Boring middle-aged dad
Boring middle-aged dad
1 month ago

Buy OEM, but order online. With Volvos i have found it cheaper to order online through volvo’s parts site and pick up at my local dealer than to order directly from the dealer by phone or parts counter. Weird, but it saves $.

Joregon
Joregon
1 month ago

So… Elise prefers paying a little more, show up to a pleasant dealership, get a coffee and a nice loaner, get on with her day, swing by in on her way home to drop off the nice loaner and get her car back, serviced and cleaned?
Go Team Elise! ????

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