Good morning! Since it’s coming up on Halloween, I just had to do another round of hearses, didn’t I? Today we’re looking at one freshly-retired hearse, and one that’s already been converted into sort of a party bus. And they both have a scary surprise or two of their own.
Yesterday we looked at some frightening convertibles from the great state of Maine. I thought for sure the BMW was going to sail home with this one, but apparently the one-two punch of a check engine light and an automatic transmission was too much for a lot of you. Conversely, it sounds like some of you reluctantly chose the Z3 for fear of not fitting in the MG.
In the end, the Midget won, narrowly, and that’s probably the only scenario in which an MG Midget is going to beat a BMW. Being the British sports car fan that I am, you can all probably guess my choice. But man, that chin spoiler has got to go.
Now then: It takes a special sort of person to want a used hearse. It’s not like an old cop car or public works truck; a hearse has had dead people in it, probably hundreds of them, and that freaks some people out. But on the other hand, the mileage that a hearse accumulates is a lot gentler than the mileage a cop car sees, so a hearse is less likely to be worn out mechanically. Plus, you can fit lots of stuff in it, if you need to. And in a pinch, if you turn the headlights on and have a bunch of friends follow you with their lights on as well, everyone will yield to you and you don’t have to stop for traffic lights. (Don’t do that.)
I was also surprised to find out how cheap used hearses can be. I found quite a few in the $6,000 range, which isn’t bad at all for a low-mileage, loaded, top-of-the-line Cadillac that just happens to also be a station wagon. These were my favorites; let’s check them out.
1995 Cadillac Fleetwood S&S Hearse – $5,500
Engine/drivetrain: 5.7-liter overhead valve V8, four-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Littleton, MA
Odometer reading: 83,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
The “Fleetwood” name in Cadillac’s lineup bounced around between platforms a few times. First there was the Peter Green era, then Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham came onto the scene, and – no, wait, I’m thinking of something else. This Fleetwood is the last of GM’s full-sized body-on-frame car platforms, along with the legendary Chevy Impala SS and Buick Roadmaster.
Power for this big beast comes from a 350 cubic inch LT-1 V8, often referred to as a “Corvette engine,” but that’s not quite the case. This version isn’t quite as powerful as the Corvette version, but it’s still no slouch. Not that a hearse needs a ton of power or speed, of course, but it’s nice to know it’s there for this car’s “afterlife,” as it were. The seller says everything works including the air conditioning, and it has had recent work on the brakes, cooling system, and exhaust.
Inside, it has been de-hearsed a bit; the tray has been taken out, and seats from a GMC minivan have been added, along with a fancy rug, giving it a custom van vibe. The front passenger area is still original, and looks nice. And of course, it has all the luxury goodies you’d expect to find in a Cadillac from 1995.
Unfortunately, it’s a northeast car, and it has the rust to show it. It isn’t bad yet, but there are bubbles appearing around the bottom edge of the vinyl roof, and a few underside photos show even more rust. Not scary, exactly, but there’s definitely a sense of impending doom.
2005 Cadillac Deville Federal Hearse – $6,500
Engine/drivetrain: 4.6-liter dual overhead cam V8, four-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Odometer reading: 105,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Fasr-forward a decade, and the Fleetwood was gone, replaced by the Deville, which was front-wheel-drive with unibody construction, which must have taken some adjustment on the part of the coachbuilders that make hearses. The Deville’s aerodynamic body style doesn’t lend itself too well to a traditional formal hearse shape, either. And I find it funny that hearses are the last holdout of the padded vinyl roof; I wonder if it’s just because it makes it easy to hide the cuts and welds.
But if you want to see something really scary, look under the hood, where lurks one of the more infamous beasts in General Motors’s history: the Northstar V8. This being a 2005 model, it should have fewer issues than the earlier models, but it’s still a pain to work on. This one has 105,000 miles on it, which seems high for a hearse; I wonder if this car belonged to a funeral home out in the country, where it had to cover more miles?
This car was just retired from funeral duty, and it still has all the associated “gear” intact. It’s in excellent shape, it looks like, so I’m not sure why it’s being sold off. It’s not like hearses go out of style, is it? Maybe just because it’s coming up on twenty years old. Still looks practically like new inside, though.
It’s clean and rust-free outside, and it has some of the longest damn landau bars I’ve ever seen. I got curious about why hearses always have landau bars; as far as I can tell, they have them because they’ve always had them. No other reason. This shape used to be an external part of the structure of a folding roof, but now hearse manufacturers just stick them on out of tradition.
As I said, it takes a certain disposition to drive an old hearse. They’re popular with goths, but, like, campy goths. You have to be able to take it a little bit lightly. You also have to be willing to put up with lousy gas mileage and have some next-level parallel parking skills. It occurs to me that an old hearse would also make a great band van, for the right kind of band. Or, hell, just ignore its roots and use it as a Suburban alternative, and let ’em stare. However you choose to use it, which one of these are you taking?
(Image credits: sellers)
I enjoy the styling of the DeVille more, but I trust and am more willing to work on the LT1 more.
Fleetwood Mac it is! Time to cruise around blasting “Rumours”
I’ll take the iron-head, iron-block LT1-mobile. Believe me, the DeVille may not look rusty in the photos, but being from Wisconsin it undoubtedly is.
Funny story about hearses – I was living in a touristy part of the PNW during the pandemic, and as the pandemic drew on and the supply of RVs and van-life-acceptable old vans drew tight, I started to see more and more “alternatives” like converted ambulances and box trucks. My favorite, and by far the least common, was the van-life hearses. It was always a sight to see what accessories folks would put on the outside to make them less hearse-like. The absolute best was a guy who had his hearse parked near my house for about a month that always had his back door open (it had a fold-down kitchen shelf) in the mornings when I was heading into work (I was an essential worker, so no WFH for me). He had built a fake coffin in the back of his car to sleep in with storage bins on the sides that had fake flowers on top. He also had red and blue LED lights inside, so it gave off a very vampire-like vibe, which seemed to be exactly what he was going for.
Did you ever see the owner during the day?
It was usually early dawn, but now that you mention it, I only ever saw his black, slicked hair and pale face over the top of the door, and whenever I looked back through my rear view mirror no one was there….
Campy goth here – it all comes down to some gefingerpoken of the Fleetwood to work out what sort of rust. It’s a lot closer to me than the DeVille is (and that could’ve been exposed to some salt too) and if I’m going to own a powerful front-wheel-drive hauler, I’d rather it be two-thirds of an Eldorado (or Saab, or P80/P2 Volvo) with a flatbed grafted on.
Milwaukee uses salt by the ton every year. Guaranteed the Deville has bathed in the stuff.
The DeVille styling is just too blah and contemporary. The squared-off Fleetwood has the timeless presence that I always associate with Cadillac.
Also slightly related: yesterday I saw a newer Challenger with a landau vinyl roof. It looked so good it should have been a factory option.
Ugh – If ever there was a good reason for burial at sea…
I had a hearse last year in college, and first 2 years of law school. 1972 Caddy with a 472. Many, many stories and fun times with that car.
Before law school, we called it “The Doom Buggy”.
During law school, we called it “The Ambulance Chaser…”
I’ve always wanted to own a hearse. In this case I went with the Fleetwood, but my ideal would be something from the 80s at the latest, in black.
This is one of those mornings I’d like to choose both. The Fleetwood would make the perfect daily and the Deville would be nice to have at home for more formal occasions. Or, a nicer place to sleep after the wife finds out I bought two hearses.
I did end up voting for the Fleetwood as it’s closer in character to the “Cadillac station wagon” I’ve wanted for awhile. Speaking of, any chance you guys are covering that Cadillac V-series.Lyriq teaser that was floating around yesterday? Idk about a hearse, but it does make for a pretty sweet Caddy-wagon.
So, Mark, going with hearses one day early. I’m intrigued as to what you you are going to treat us to tomorrow. Better not be a trick!
If we’re “going goth”, as it were, which one would Adrian buy?
Adrian’s gonna go out in a blaze in his Mondial like a Goth Viking.
Its an 80’s Ferrari so an engine fire is just another Tuesday.
Gimme the Fleetwood. Since it’s a bit rusty, I wouldn’t feel the tiniest bit bad putting on a set of zoomie headers and a tunnel ram. Then I’d get a set of Cragars and rattle can it black. Maybe some flames. It’s not like it would decrease its value.
You should see the ’66 Cadillac hearse that a buddy of mine owns. Slicks, slotted mags, a built Caddy 500, and a homemade skull on the intake whose jaw opens with the throttle. He calls it “Dead Storage.” It’s amazing.
Ever seen the Thundertaker?
https://www.motortrend.com/features/hrdp-1305-thundertaker-1960-cadillac-superior-coachworks-hearse/photos/
Opti-Spark or Northstar head gaskets. Opti-Spark or Northstar head gaskets…
Ironic for a Halloween-themed day that you get to choose your GM Mode of Death.
I’ll take the white one as the radio blasts, “Send me an angel”.
Mentioned this previously when a Fleetwood graces the pages here, but that’s an obvious choice for me since I live in the town that gave this model its name. Just make sure that those white letter tires are freshly cleaned when you do a final line lock for me in the church parking lot.
At first I was leaning toward the Fleetwood because it appears more classic. Also, they specified that the AC worked well, which, if there’s any vehicle where you want good AC it’s a hearse, if you know what I mean. In the end though, I chose the 2005 model because … the DeVille made me do it.
Speaking of great band vans:
https://rockandrollgarage.com/the-story-of-the-hearse-that-neil-young-drove-in-the-beginning-of-his-career/
As scary as the Northstar is, the newer one still has life left in it and is still totally equipped to function as a Hearse. This is the perfect time to start that new business idea that I came up with and is totally original. It’s like Uber, but for dead bodies. Don’t want to throw all your money at a funeral home? Want your loved one picked up on your schedule? Want to have some input on what music plays and access to snacks and goodies during the ride? Want to have the opportunity to decide if you want conversation with the driver while you head to Memorial Meadows?
Don’t call the funeral home. Call a Huber, the Uber of Hearses ™.
You are so welcome.
Are you tired of cut rate funerals? You’ve tried the rest, now try the best! Plots-R-Us! Be sure to try the new salad bar!
Excellent UHF reference.
Nothing says “I love you” like the gift of a spatula.
So, a ride scaring service, then?
“Gore Dash”
Hahahaha!
Sounds a bit like the Neptune society.
Around here though they got into hot water when it was found the pilot who was supposed to be scattering the ashes from the air in a respectful manner just dumped the ashes in his backyard:
https://www.upi.com/Archives/1988/07/08/-82-million-paid-in-Neptune-cremation-cases/2112584337600/
My Dad’s last ride was in a minivan converted hearse, and I was disappointed with that. As an old hot-rodder in the 1950’s, he deserved to roll out with an LT1.
Fleetwood for me.
Or at least a Bucket T with a pickup bed.
Asked my friend who has worked in several funeral homes as a maintenance man and groundskeeper, and he also maintained their fleet of cars.
His statement: “The answer is obvious to me. LT1 vs Northstar. I’ve driven several of both.” He isn’t a fan of the Northstars.
Hell yes! I’d go for both if there were such option.
Back in the day, my buddy was a mortician and the FH he worked for had an early-70s Oldsmobile 98-based hearse, in light blue with a matching brocade interior. Big ‘ol 455. They used it for “pickups” from hospitals, nursing homes, etc, not for the funerals themselves.
I had a buddy who’s father was a mortician. He had a matching set of Olds 98-based hearse and stretched limo, also in light blue with 455 engines in them. My buddy ended up with the limo for a while, back in the late ’80s or early ’90s. Supposedly Elvis was shuttled in it when he came to town.
I was thinking these were mid to late ’60s vintage, but maybe we’re talking about the same hearse? The mortician didn’t happen to be named Barnett, did he?
No, it was Kevin.
I’m thinking your Oldses were from the same build… maybe 71 or 72.
Did your buddy’s dad use the blue one just for pickups?
No, they were used for funeral duty as a pair. The hearse went to the cemetery and the family came along in the limo.
Gotta go BOF and longitudinal small block on this one. Plus the older style just looks better.
Give me the white one and I turn it into a crew cab ute !
I picked the Fleetwood based on looks alone, especially the front end. The early 2000s Cadillacs like this Deville just look plasticky to me.
Forget both of these, give me the Chevy TRAHEARSE