If there’s anything more amusing than the content on this great website it must be the behind-the-scenes machinations of the staff. The back-and-forth on the workaday messaging platform Slack provides premium-channel-sitcom-level humor on a regular basis, and we’ve shared some of the best of these exchanges on the Tales From The Slack posts that you can see weekly as long as you’re an official Autopian member. You are a member, aren’t you?
However, a question was asked by Mercedes Streeter a few weeks back that got me thinking:
What would the ultimate Autopian car be? While this site prides itself on being open minded to fans of all makes and models, it’s fairly clear that the staff tends to favor vehicles with a certain level of what might be called “character”. I’m not referring to the condition of their sometimes dilapidated vehicles; I am talking about attributes that the car left the showroom with. If we were to attempt to define what this difficult-to-define word means in our motor pool, we could boil it down to a few characteristics:
- Cars with unorthodox mechanical solutions or overly complex systems which were designed to do things ‘better’ but usually don’t, and quite often don’t work at all. Pointless features are also popular. Power doors that cover the climate control vents on a VW Phaeton? Love it!
- Styling and overall design that would be described as ‘acquired tastes’. Cars that mainstream media hacks put onto ‘100 Ugliest Cars’ lists or even ‘World’s Worst Cars’ are prime candidates. Go ahead and dismiss the Pacer or the Citroen DS; what do we care?
- Products from manufacturers that, likely due to the characteristics above, have not been in existence for decades. American Motors or Zastava are good examples.
It’s not that Autopian staffers hate conventionality; they typically just don’t see the point in it. All of this means that if Autopians were asked to design a car that appealed to them, these rather eccentric preferences would come shining through. Auto makers choose conventional solutions for a reason- Autopians don’t want to hear them. Twice the cost and three times the complexity for a ten percent gain in performance? Bring that shit on. Here’s what such a fictional car made up of a collection of automotive bad ideas might have looked like.
Our imaginary car would come from an imaginary place that we’ve visited before:
In 1970, a fastback sedan was launched on the tiny island of Jasonia (Jasonia Automobile Manufacturers) and exported in very small numbers to outside nations. Launched to tremendous fanfare at a Jasonia Emu Racing Park event, the JAM 808 was accompanied by an almost embarrassing press packet. An excerpt:
“Jasonia Automobile Works has used state of the art unproved technologies to attempt what others have achieved through much more basic means.”
The JAM 808 (pronounced YAHHM) sold fairly poorly outside of its birthplace; a dealership was set up in Paris but the French thought that it was “too weird.” Still, it’s quite impressive once you start looking at the unorthodox different-to-be-different features that many Autopians can’t get enough of (which, truth be told, are found on a number of now-classic cars that you might know).
Styling
If a car looks like a distorted, inaccurate vision of the future from the perspective of long ago, it’s got Autopian written all over it. Things like Tatras and Citroens get the staff all hot and bothered. Thankfully, this Jasonian-made sedan has just such a look- an aero teardrop shape with skirted rear wheels from a time when cars typically were rectilinear boxes.
source: Aguttes (car for sale)
The nose of any Autopian car worth its salt has to have hidden headlights, but the JAM takes it a step further with a center mounted ‘cyclops’ spotlight that turns with the steering wheel. The US received a small number of them, which necessitated giant rubber ram bar 5MPH bumpers. Besides the massive bumper blocks, the US models require side marker lights that JAM designers made in the shape of engine rotors.
It’s a little known fact that Jasonia fielded a world-class team in the 1976 World Wiffle Ball Championship, so this runout model has the special edition Wiffle Ball Pattern Wheels at each corner (Saab has the lock on the soccer ball shape). The headrests are shaped like heads so that, according to JAM literature, ‘the car will always look fully occupied for the safety of the driver’ (also so that those who patrol HOV lanes might be fooled).
source:
If this near-the-end-of-production 1977 model with New York ‘80085’ plates (Patrick George couldn’t get ‘808’) in the picture above seems a bit dilapidated, get used to it. There are no known running examples of JAMs anywhere on the planet today.
At the other end of the car, the JAM 808 has a two-part backlight similar to that on old Italian exotics like the Lamborghini Espada (well, or a Toyota Prius). However, unlike the Prius, JAM puts the wiper on the vertical section. The proportion of this section requires a cable-driven vertical wiper that sweeps over the entire surface. The JAM puts the taillamps behind this vertical window (like a Maserati Khamsin) so that these lamps get cleaned by the wiper as well, which must be a world first. For markets outside of the US, the license plate can sit behind the glass as well, but Americans make do with a stuck on plate between the ram bars. The rear turn signals sit high up, built into the hatch hinges near the roof. You can also electrically raise the hatch a few inches for flow through ventilation as on various Zagato creations.
The trunk can be expanded by folding the rear seatback- into the ceiling. JAM engineers thought this was an easier way to gain a flat floor.
Engine
With the introduction of the rotary engine, it probably seemed unlikely to many people of the 1960s that motors with reciprocating pistons would survive; why make such inherently unbalanced things? Well, we all know that pitfalls and challenges that were never eliminated on this type of motor, but the Autopian car would absolutely have one. Adding to the eccentricity is the fact that the JAM’s rotary power plant would be air cooled as well.
Driveline
The engine is so small and light that it weighs less than the fluid semi-automatic transaxle used, so you’d end up with a rear weight bias if the motor were placed in front. Jasonian Motor’s solution was to make the JAM rear engined, with a driveshaft sending power to the transaxle in front. Brilliant! An Autopian cannot resist a rear-engined, front wheel drive car.
source: Citroen via Posterama
Brakes and Suspension
Brakes are discs all around, but inboard in front for less unsprung weight. Up front, the suspension is torsion bars and wishbones; it’s actually one torsion bar to act as an anti roll bar as well. The rear features a DeDion setup with coil springs. Basically no other cars did had suspension and braking systems like this, and do you know why? Because most companies are weak, that’s why.
Mechanical Accessories
The power steering pump, alternator, and optional air conditioning compressor are all in front as well, powered by a power takeoff on the transaxle (the grille up front is for the A/C condenser and transmission cooler). The windshield wipers are actually powered by a fluid takeoff on the power steering pump. The master cylinder is in the nose of the car, so the brake pedal actually presses on a long metal rod to activate it. The spare tire is up front, and air pressure from the tire is used to operate the retracting headlights. This particular example has twin energy polarizers in it, similar to what Peter Brock controversially put into his racing cars, because orgone energy might not be proven but it just can’t hurt.
Interior
It goes without saying that the inside of the JAM is perfect for people that understand standard automobile interior conventions and want absolutely none of it. As with the last NSU Spider (which also doesn’t exist) the rotary theme is taken to extreme levels. A giant rotor form sits dead center of the driver above the single spoke wheel with a drum-type rotating speedometer and side gauges, while smaller switch ‘pods’ flank it. The ‘four in the air’ selector lever for the semi automatic transmission sprouts out of this mess. To truly protect your belongings in theft-prone neighborhoods, you flip a release lever and the glove box can be removed; carried around like a suitcase. Also, Jasonian home market cars are right hand drive, and they didn’t bother moving the hood release over for other markets; ‘safety reasons’ is the excuse for this laziness.
Pop the ashtray off and take it with you!
Heating and ventilation switches are on the floor between the seats, with a sideways mounted radio and ‘main nuclear power plant switch’ parking brake. The optional air conditioning and controls for the front power windows are all located on a center console. That’s rather standard, right? It is, but the console for those items is mounted to the ceiling of the JAM.
Out on the hood, a recessed area visible to the driver has a drum-type tachometer flanked by turn signal and high beam telltales.
Pioneers in any frontier often don’t fare so well, and the demise of Jasonian Automobile Manufacturers in our alternate reality after the 808 was discontinued should surprise no one. Equally unsurprising is the near mythic proportions that the legend of this collection of unconventional ideas would have reached among Autopians today.
The JAM would have lived on as a holy grail of fans of automotive misfits – like us.
A Daydreaming Designer Is Forced To Design A Vehicle For A Nation With Enormous Money – The Autopian
Our Daydreaming Designer Imagines The Ultimate Autopian Tour Bus – The Autopian
How To Repurpose Carvana Vending Machine Towers To Build An Automotive Paradise – The Autopian
This has got to be the best thing ever produced here.
MILES better than a K-car. Totally approve.
Also guessing one would show up on Bring A Trailer for approximately $500,000.
I suddenly miss my Citroën GS and CXes a lot more!
You forgot that this was the only known diesel rotary engine produced, with the increased combustion pressures requiring apex seals made of a suitably hard material. Unfortunately they chose silicon carbide, only exceeded by diamonds for hardness, and the engines suffered accelerated wear as a result.
A later factory ‘safety’ upgrade was meant to address the problem of brake light bulbs failing as well as adding a third high mount central brake light – a cable ran from the brake pedal, up the A pillar and through the roof to a high mount brake light that contained a piezoelectric crystal and small bulb – the cable squeezed the crystal, creating a small electric current that powered the bulb. It was supposed to guarantee a brake light even in the event of complete electrical failure.
But unfortunately this crystal had its own orgone energy field that interfered with the crystals in the two Polarisers with unpredictable results, resulting in very few cars surviving the accidents caused by lug nuts suddenly loosening at top speed!
Just about perfect and just to add another layer to the design, it was acutally designed by Hungarian brutalist architect Ernő Goldfinger, his only venture into automotive design, and a spectacular failure just like the efforts of Gio Ponti, Le Corbusier and Zaha Hadid.
The earliest car I can remember my dad having was a Citroen GS, so this doesn’t seem that weird other than using steel springs.
I love that the handbrake handle means you can only change tapes while the car is moving.
This is all Citroën, apart from the way too normal handbrake and non-alien suspension.
Those wheels, has anybody any idea if such a design has ever been done in real life?
It’s should not be that hard, grab a couple of those pie dish types (or are those only done as hubcaps) and stamp some holes out.
The only problem I see is the lack of storage for my giant Jasonian coinage. Otherwise, flawless.
I appreciate the small details, like the genius horn button that requires one to reach through the steering wheel. Perfect for emergencies!
However, I was hoping for a prominent row of a dozen identical unlabeled rocker switches. Maybe that’s reserved for the “Sports” model?
Also, the designer needs to come clean about the inspiration he received while driving to work one day and passing a Renault 16 crushed under a fallen tree.
Huh huh…”BOOBS.”
It reminds me of the 411, but worse.
“Sabrinas”. That’s what they call them on MGBs.
I have also heard them called ‘Dagmars’ on American cars.
How could you leave out the constant velocity variable venturi throttle body fuel injection designed by the Lucas/SU consortium and manufactured under license by Solex?
We need fuel injection, but only if it’s also somehow part of an odd and unloved carburetor system!
If you only showed the picture with no accompanying story,i’d be guessing late eighties soviet license built citroen
When I saw the picture, I immediately thought “Citroen GS”. Even the steering wheel is correct.
Tres amusant, but a reliable Citroën Birotor would do the job, or just restomod a GSA with a 13B
I would drive that thing with pride, but I’d really like to park it in my driveway just to piss off the HOA.
The only possible logical explanation for this post is an Autopian staff-wide toxicology report showing the presence of significant mind altering substances present.
Sniffing the mildew of Jason’s crap cans at the moving partty (or that one Smart from Mercedes) will do that to you. We can only hopevthat since he’s moved the symptoms will wear off.
Gossin gave the Bishop a ride in that EPA Superfund Buick.
#chefkiss
With this decision tree, SpyHunter is endless.
Also, I work down the street from the Wiffle Ball factory.
Tell me that drum tach in the hood is cable-operated!
The tranny is right there, of course it would be!
On the early models it was. On these later cars, the cable drives a separate Hall sensor to generate a pulse. That pulse, in turn, is picked up by a small stepper motor, attached to a second, shorter cable, and that drives the tach.
I see that the trunk space can be expanded, but dimensions were omitted. How many cubic feet of mashed potatoes will it hold for cross country road trips?
This entire car needs to be fully documented in Autopian units…
Did you know that the engine displacement varied based on the market? For the UK market, the engine displacement was exactly four pints, measured at room temperature, while in the US, displacement was a six pack, measured at precisely 39 degrees Fahrenheit.
Not gonna lie, that triangular speedo housing looks good!
Oh, hey! You got a picture of one of these! This had fallen into that ‘not sure if it was real or I hallucinated it’ zone of distant memory.
Back when I lived in Wisconsin as an awkward teen there was one of these parked out behind a friend’s dad’s barn under a tarp, busily returning to iron ore. What stood out to me then the car itself but the rare ‘digital dash’ option (google tells me it was called the Integrated Digital Interface Operators’ Telemetry System, which explains why it would print ‘welcome IDIOT’ when it booted up).
My memory is a bit hazy but one summer we found the manuals in the attic (big grey spiral-bound things with colored stripes on the cover and lots of index tabs) and decided we would get it working. (These were dial-up days so we really didn’t have anything better to do.)
What I remember was that it was a chunky amberchrome CRT in the middle of the dash in some odd aspect ratio, mounted on a creaky swivel, with a corded keyboard hanging from a fussy belt-clip-like device on the ashtray mount. (It had a weird UWCARNE spacebar-on-top layout. I think one showed up in a Batman movie as a prop.)
It was completely GUI-less and had no pointing device, much less a touchscreen, so the user would write scripts to that were run on signals from switches, sensors, etc. Even the windshield wipers, the speedometer and the brake booster worked that way. As such none of the switchgear had permanent labels, but were clear, and had little plasticky paper tabs with a logo or a word on on to indicate their function behind them. Kind of like a modern hummer or high end ford, so pretty ahead of its time stuff! Certainly more advanced than anything else on the road even decades later.
I think the CPU took up most of the frunk. I distinctly remember buttons with little red-green-yelllow sequence LEDs on the overhead console, but I might be confusing that with Knight Rider.
The memory battery had long died and so all the factory scripts had been lost, and since this was The Time Before the Internet Knew Everything so there was no way to get the factory programming book to type everything back in. (One on eBay is described as having over 300 pages!)
The language was something like a cross between BASIC and FORTRAN, with every variable, hardware address, and command having to be in a certain column.
I don’t remember if we managed to get it started or not, but either way it burned down with the rest of the barn after the cow explosion.
Thanks for bringing up some nostalgia!
Ah, edit window closed, but some further research suggests this may have been a dealer-installed thing meant to move remaining ’77s in 1978-79 by installing defective DECmate vt-77 terminals hardware in them and selling them at a premium to Silicon Valley ‘New Money’.
I think I’m in love
Madness. Absolute, unfiltered madness.
I love it. Never change.
Everything about this car is disgusting. I need it.
I am a huge fan of the rotary powerplant, the energy polarisers and 3 lug wheels.
I like weird cars. I’d drive it.
Kenneth- that’s great, but based on the condition of any remaining examples, I think you’re more likely to be pushing it. Push it real good.
This version, please.
https://youtu.be/crS-3d09zqI