Our Micro Meet In Melbourne: Strong Engines, Weak Showers

The Autopian is a beacon for car culture the world over. That’s it’s job. In turn, as the Australian Bureau Chief, it’s my job to spread the good word Down Under. Thus, on Wednesday night, I made my way to a hardware store carpark behind the wheel of a ridiculous promotional ute. It was time for our meetup in Melbourne!

I’m over in Victoria right now driving the Valtteri Bottas ute from the Uber CarShare ads. Uber built the car with a bunch of silly features that really only work on film. I’ll be providing a full run down on the car soon. I figured it’d be fun to take the car out to show some of our readers and hand out some ridiculous Bottas merch in the process.

First, I had to find a spot to meet. I grew up in South Australia, in the shadow of the old Holden plant. Out that way, land is cheap and the sprawl is extensive, so car meets typically happen in the parking lots outside big box retailers. I tried to apply that same strategy to Melbourne, but it was much more difficult. Melbourne is dense, and centrally-located stores tend to have tiny car parks or none at all. Eventually, I figured out that Port Melbourne Bunnings would work for us, so I dropped a pin and invited readers to come and hang.

We weren’t really sure how many Autopian fans would come down to Melbourne for the meet. Let alone on a grey Wednesday night with only a couple days of notice. I was pleasantly surprised to meet a small handful of enthusiastic readers who had come to banter and talk cars.

First to arrive was Harry, who pulled up early in his 2022 Volkswagen Polo. He was a good sport fielding questions from everyone about his “Golf R,” having to explain that no, it was a Polo R Line instead. Cut ’em some slack, it was dark out.

As a P plater, Harry’s just starting his motoring journey, but he already knows his stuff. I gave him the tip that his car would look cooler if he backed into the parking space, as is typical meet culture. It’s also mandatory to pop the hood and talk about what’s underneath, no matter what you’re packing. We talked about the last few generations of Volkswagen TSI engines, and the weirdly large empty space next to the Polo’s battery.

Harry was also kind enough to hoist the clothesline on the front of the ute. It has to be manually bolted in place, and Uber had put us under strict instructions not to drive with it installed.

A few more readers wandered in and we got to talking cars. Representing the kei cars was Darrel, who brought out his Suzuki Jimny. Note that this isn’t the typical 1.3-liter model you see in Australia—it genuinely is the kei class version! It lacks the wide flares of the bigger model so it fits neatly into the kei class dimensional regulations.

Even better, it’s equipped with the DAMD body kit that makes it look like a miniature Mercedes-Benz G-Wagen. The fuzzy headrests just added to the cute factor. A very fun car indeed.

Darrel told us that the kei model works really well for his use case. It’s more than capable of cresting 100 km/h, too, so it’s able to keep up with traffic even on Australian highways.

As a reminder, we’re celebrating the recent ruling in Texas that makes imported kei cars road legal again. We’ve launched rad merch—a ‘COME AND TAKE IT’ shirt, as well as a flag you can use to decorate your garage, lounge, or sewing room. As Charles Bronson never said—”You can pry the keys to my kei truck from my cold, dead hands.”

It wouldn’t be an Aussie car meet without some local product. Morgan rocked up in his Ford Fairlane—a luxury long-wheelbase model of the Ford Falcon. Naturally, we had to pop the hood and take a look at the Barra lurking underneath. Four liters of Australian muscle, right there.

Despite the engine’s reputation, Morgan explained that this early naturally-aspirated model wasn’t the best candidate for boost, as it has weaker internals than some of the later models. He talked us a few of the finer points of the model range, and explained the challenges inherent in dealing with the complicated body and engine control modules on these cars.

One thing I wanted to do at this meet was show the gang some of the amusing features of the Bottas ute. I explained the pie warmer (non-operational), fridge (non-operational), and the shower. Due to some very strange design choices, it was basically impossible to refill the shower’s water supply. The water can was stuck in a tight cabinet where it was very difficult to access.

Regardless, with a little fiddling, Morgan was able to wrench the water can out the back of the ute. Another reader, Jackson, then decided to run into the Bunnings bathrooms to fill it up so we could mess around with this silly feature. Ignore the dark intro, the video gets brighter.

It's shower time in the Bottas ute!

Some questions around usability but an effort was made ???????????? pic.twitter.com/FEqAg8EXYB

— Lewin S. Day (@rainbowdefault) April 10, 2024

It was utterly underwhelming, and all the funnier for it. I don’t know why the shower was built like this. One would expect that it would have been smarter to make everything more accessible in case the system needed to be repaired on the film shoot. Regardless, it worked better on Uber’s ad than it did for us.

The ute also came with some merch which I decided to hand out. I gave the gang some Bottas speedos, towels, and air fresheners. I wanted to keep the surfboard for myself, but Uber told me that had to stay with the vehicle. Boo!

Our Melbourne meet was a small one, but a fun one. And nobody got arrested, defected, or lost their license. For an Australian meet, that’s a win.

It’s always fun to potter around and look at a few different cars, trading stories about what we’ve driven and what we’re driving now. I look forward to the next opportunity to do something like this, and maybe we’ll even get Project Cactus down as a bonus! Til next time, keep motoring!

Image credits: Lewin Day