Sometimes I feel like I’ll encounter a little automotive fact that, while not really worthy of a deep dive, may still be one that you have a right to be made aware of. And I think I have just such a fact for you today: between 1919 and 1920, if you had 4,750 francs to throw around (in today’s honest American money, that would be about $15,600), you could buy a car called A.S.S. Yes, a car named “ass,” pretty much. But not really, but also, yes, ASS. I’ll explain.
You see, A.S.S. was a French car, and was so named not in celebration of plump, glorious derrières, but rather for something that the car did not have: valves. In French, the way you said “automobiles without valves” was Automobiles Sans Soupapes, and our clever readers have likely already deduced that the acronym from those words delivers a big helping of A.S.S.
The A.S.S. lacked valves because its 12 horsepower, 1.3-liter engine was a two-stroke supplied by Thomas, and two-stroke engines don’t have valves. Well, that’s not exactly true – they have things like valves usually called ports, but those ports don’t require any additional moving parts to work, being opened and closed by the motion of the piston as you can see in this animation from 2strokeengine.net:
I like how big that exhaust pipe is there, too.
So, no valves, technically. The A.S.S. was targeted as a sort of early peoples’ car, with the advertising tagline L’automobile pour tous (the automobile for everyone). Impressively for a relatively inexpensive car for everyone in 1919, the A.S.S. had electric lighting and an electric starter, both pretty advanced features for the era.
In design, the A.S.S. appears to be pretty conventional, with a quite narrow hood reminiscent of a cyclecar, but this was much more of a “real” automobile. Suspension was by leaf springs, and a two-speed epicyclic/planetary transmission gave those dozen horses a path to the rear wheels.
A four-seat tourer was the one usually pictured, but sources say a two-seat coupé was also available. The car was produced in limited numbers between 1919 and 1920, and there were plans for more full-scale mass production, but they fell through. The A.S.S. company merged with the Société des Moteurs Thomas, and that was the end of the car named A.S.S.
Kind of a shame, really. I mean, look, it even said ASS right on the radiator grille, and in some alternate world maybe they could have bought out Ford and there would have been a real world version of that old game with Ford model names, and people would be driving around ASS Explorers or ASS Probes or ASS Rangers.
I guess some realities are just too beautiful for us.
1919 must’ve been a great time to be alive in the marketing/PR department of ASS motors. Could you imagine the options?
“Yes, ma’am, you CAN have an ASShat with your ASSwipes as a souvenir. Just ask that ASSman over there to help you since you have a shiny new ASS.
Madame Rousseau you can pick up your ASS-in-nine”
The jokes just keep going on forever.
The A.S.S. Sweet! I think these were available with a Full Utility Car Kit and Special High Impact Tires.
Not entirely related, but I always wondered how the same amount of horses as the engine would behave in real life – would a cart pulled by 12 horses have the same speed and cargo capacity of this car? How would we connect the horses, in parallel or series? What about environmental impact? Oh my, so many questions!
Of course, this particular car should be measured in donkeys, but still… how would the equivalent amount of animal power perform on a crash test? Would they simply trample the jig, crap on the dummies and kick the camera?
Hear me out: 12 horses on a conveyer system, connected to a transmission. 6×6, in what we’d call a “Santa’s Sleigh” configuration. “Exhaust” is an…. unsolved problem.
Obligatory: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WL2txMU50CI
Gives the song a whole new meaning, really.
I just referenced this song elsewhere an hour ago, and now here it is again.
Edit: It’s a Baader-Mein-er-hof-er.
It’s truly one of the most relatable and versatile works of art ever produced.
I dunno. Personally, I’ve gotta give that particular ribbon to Aesop Rock for his song ‘Kirby’ and the related video.
The cat song is fun, but (…butt?) I feel like it could use more butts.
Their two most popular models were the Smart and the Wise. They made the rockin’ world go round.
I’ve owned many cars that were ass, but never an ASS.
Insert Beavis and Butthead chuckle for the second to last sentence.
Very unPC.
ASS – one of my go-to initials for old arcade machines.
This brings to mind the #1 movie in America from “Idiocracy”. Haha
You can still Buy Toyota Turds (TRD).
Would’ve been a worthy substitute for the “[Party] Wagon” in Kill Bill.
What a glorious time this must have been!
“Hey Francios! Check out my ASS!”
“Indeed, you have a beautiful ASS, my friend!”
“My wife even enjoys driving it!”
“It does look like an ASS your wife would be proud to be seen in!”
“I’ll say this, I’ll put my ASS up against any car in France!”
“Even my Citroen? Care to make a wager?”
“Done! I will bet my ASS against your Citroen!”
“Is it ok if I take a closer look at your ASS?”
“Sure. You can even lift up the boot and take a peek!”
Please help me I can’t stop.
COTD
Appropriate typo in the first paragraph: “4,750 rancs”
“I’m interested in buying your car. How much?” “I’m asking 4,750 rancs.” “That’s a lot of ranc.” “Well, it’s an ASS. Of course it’s ranc. I know what I’ve got!”
Watch out for the ASS Expedition. If someone wants to have an ASS Fiesta and give you an ASS Powerstroke, send them away with a powerful ASS Airstream.
Hmmm. Right hand drive too. It’s interesting what hand different cultures wipe with.
Isn’t wiping passé now? This is the Age of the Bidet, according to damn near every podcast ad forthe last couple years.
Coincidentally, bidets have been standard issues in French washrooms for decades. However, the toilet is almost always in its own little room, away from the bidet.
That is indicative of a fairly peaky two-stroke engine. (Or it was exaggerated in the diagram for clarity.)
If we look at the evolution of two-stroke motorcycles from the 1960s onward, we can see how the pipes changed. Early bikes – like the Yamaha Bonanza (YCS1) – had exhaust pipes that were almost the same diameter along their lengths; these engines delivered their power predictably. In the 1970s, street-legal 2-strokes had larger diameter pipes but still not too dramatic – see the Suzuki TS185 and TS250 for examples. (https://collectingcars.imgix.net/005493/012.jpg)
However, as competition in 2-stroke motocross bikes became more heated in the 1970s and 1980s, manufacturers started to move to the belly-and-stinger type of exhaust. The large part in the diagram posted above is called the belly, and the small-diameter pipe leading to the outlet is the stinger.
The engine porting would need to be designed to match, of course, but a small bike with large belly would be a rev monster. A larger bike with a big belly would offer less power off the bottom of the rev range, but at WOT at higher revs it would suddenly rip your arms off.
Fun fact: larger-bellied pipes for street bikes (e.g. the RZ350, RD400) are often called “expansion chambers”.
Mopeds have 2-stroke engines, and a popular mod for kids before driving age (and thus relegated to mopeds) was a beefed up exhaust.
How come Mercedes never made an A55 AMG?
Finally there is a way for this cartoon to be genuinely true:
https://xkcd.com/37/
(SFW)
I don’t even need to click to know.
May it never cease to make me laugh.
That is a super-smart ass comment.
YES, please write more articles about obscure early automobiles! Not enough people realize how much deeply weird and fascinating stuff was going on back then. For engineering nerds there are endless delightfully bizarre mechanical and structural solutions, and the history of the hundreds of automobile manufacturer startups (whether failed or successful) are fascinating, full of wild ideas about what the future of these new technologies would be.
It’s a really amazing time in automotive history which I wish more people would shine a light on. The cars themselves are fun too, in a simultaneously slow-car-fast and holy-crap-this-is-entirely-too-fast way. When else do you get to drive dangerously fast and dangerously slow at the SAME TIME? It’s a unique thrill for sure, which I think everyone should experience.
The best part about early automobile history is when the rabbit hole leads you to archived articles from The Horseless Age and other publications from the period, which are a fascinating time capsule in and of themselves. I’ve found things like wiring diagrams and partial blueprints for various early automobiles in there, and all kinds of other wonderful things you can’t find anywhere else on the internet. It’s cool to read what people thought about cars and the technology in them when they were just becoming a thing!
I see it as similar to the personal computer revolution in California and Texas in the 1970s to mid ’80s. Loads of new startups popping up everywhere overnight, a new industry that was obviously going to be highly lucrative, but one where the rules of how things should be done and how they should operate were not yet established and which companies would sink fast and which would dominate was totally open. That and the very early auto industry must have been seriously exciting places to work in back then.
I guess we’re seeing it again now to a certain extent with all the new EV companies
A major missed opportunity by SMT not to market a SMarT ASS.
Complimenting someone’s car would be dicey if this vehicle still existed. “Nice ASS!” could easily be misconstrued.
I mean, it being ASS, if you take it to get something to eat, be sure it’s just petite bites. (This is a French joke, and having just learned it, I now laugh smugly at restaurant menus).
Lol
I mean mdr
So, to make this thing go you needed a big piston shoved up your A.S.S.?
Maybe they could have bought Yamaha, then we’d have the ASS Blaster.
When I was young and got my first vehicle, a 1993 Mazda B2200 pick up truck, I made a stencil and spray painted the silhouette of a donkey on the bed mat. That way I could always say I was “hauling ass”, even though that truck made a pathetic 93hp.
I owned a B2200 and loved that pickup. It did absolutely everything a truck needed to do for me as a new homeowner, delivered solid gas mileage as a commuter compared to a full-size truck, and was hella fun when hanging the tail out on freeway ramps.
What fuel economy did you get? Rangers(the same as the b2200) get 14-18mpg depending on engine, which is literally not better than a fullsize pickup.
The B2200 was different from the Ford Ranger and was only built until 1993 (for Canada/USA at least). It was rebadged as the Ford Courier in some markets.
You might be thinking of the B2300, which was built from 1994 onward, when the Mazda B-Series became rebadged Rangers.
I put over 66000km (41000miles) on my used 1993 Mazda B2200 regular cab/short bed/5MT, and it averaged 10.63L/100km (22.1 MPG) over my time with it.
Mazda also built a B2200 for the US market in the early 80’s (82-84 I think) sharing the Courier platform. It used a 2.2 liter Perkins licensed diesel. That was the one that got the good mileage crushing it with like 55hp. I used to get MPG in the low 40’s.
Have you seen used prices now? Clean ones are going for close to $10,000 now.
It was the perfect first vehicle for me, being underpowered, relatively efficient, very reliable, and having enough capacity to cart around my dirt bike.
Unfortunately when I upgraded to a Mazdaspeed6 my younger brother bought the truck and proceeded to destroy it by overloading it with firewood and cracking the frame while crossing a set of train tracks.
I also had one, a 1989. Died in a tragic accident on leap day 2000. Awesome truck. We had 3 total B-series of that era (pre-Ford ranger platform). Just wonderful at doing the job of a small truck.
We had a few in our family as well. My uncle had gone through 2-3 of them, eventually either handing them down to one of his daughters or selling them to a neighbour that owned a strawberry farm as a farm truck. As they became harder to find, my uncle switched to the ’94+ Ranger/B-Series.
I like the front end design. Nice and Aggro. Unfortunately, there is no picture of it ass end so I can make no judgments about it’s back-side despite the click-bait headline. 😀