I’m here at LAX waiting for our publisher Matt’s plane to land so we can either head over to David’s to very poorly help him getting the Aztek’s transmission in order or, barring that, we’ll go get drunk somewhere. Maybe both! Who knows, it’s Pebble Week, so all bets are off. I’m currently holed up in a pleasing little nook, the sort of unexplained little niches that places like airports seem to have. If this was, say, a cathedral, this space would likely be filled with some statue of St.Albans (the patron saint of brads, tacks, and other fasteners) or something like that.
It’s not, though. It’s filled with me. Well, me and my luggage.
Want to see what it looks like? Too bad, I’m showing you anyway!
Look at that! Now you can picture the sort of glamor I’m experiencing as I write this. And “this” is another Automotive Would You Rather installment, because we haven’t had one of those in a while! So get that mind all nice and limber, chug whatever alcohol or drugs you have handy, and let’s get right into it, because Matt just landed and he’s waiting, dammit!
[Editor’s Note: I started this yesterday, and am finishing it in the Aztek! Just full disclosure. – JT]
Scenario One: Any Car You Want, As Long As There’s Goats
It’s Tuesday afternoon, which means you’re at your usual spot, doing your usual thing: struggling with a small pack of feral dogs over possession of a long chain of sausages, like you’ve seen in cartoons. So far, you’ve only managed to get the string of sausages from them once, and that was only because a freak thunderstorm scared off their strongest puller, a mangy Daschund/Great Dane mix you call “Sgt.Mudflaps.”
This time, you find the competition to be as fierce as you recall, but there’s something different: one of the sausages is actively making sounds, moaning and screaming, and it’s freaking you out. This sausage is only two links away from your end of the string, and you’re intrigued enough to make a bold decision: you’ll give up the string willingly, in order to save the noisy sausage.
You chew through the linking string (what is that? Just more intestine?) behind the moaning sausage, breaking it free, which sends you tumbling backwards and the pack of dogs launching the other way, barking in chaotic, noisy delight.
You grab the now-panting sausage and attempt to calm it down, though knowing how to placate a sausage isn’t a skill you’ve ever really had a chance to develop. Eventually, the sausage relaxes, and squirms to face you, It seems to inhale deeply, and addresses you in a booming voice:
“Sir! I am in your debt! Being consumed by a canine is the worst indignity for a Sausagion. I am Kol-Ba-Sa the Sixth, King of the Sausagions, and I pay my debts. After using my sausagist powers to scan your thinking-links I have come up with a suitable reward: I can give you any car you desire, fashioned from the very atoms of the universe itself! Want a Dual-Ghia! It’s yours! A Camaro, a Corvair, a Countach? All yours!
Sausage power is potent and vast, but it does have limits. In order for the universe to properly balance out, every time you create a new car, a pack of six to eleven goats will be summoned into existence at a random location on Earth. Should anything happen to any of these goats anything that results in the death of even one goat then your car will disappear, immediately.
I am Kol-Ba-Sa! I have spoken!”
There is then a flash of light, you feel an odd warmness in your pants, and you can feel your newfound power. You decide to test things out: you close your eyes and envision, oh, a Crosley Hot Shot. There’s a wooshing sound, and then a flash of light, and you find yourself looking at a shiny red mint-condition Crosley. After geeking out over it for a half hour or so, you check the news on your phone and see a story about how a retirement orgy in Lansing was interrupted by the sudden appearance of a pack of six to eleven goats.
An hour later, you hear on social media that one of the goats died when it ate three bags of prescription medication. A moment later, the Crosley disappears.
Huh.
Scenario Two: Get Out Of Trouble But Your Socials Are Going To Be A Mess
As you probably have guessed, the world is run by a shady cabal. I can’t divulge just who runs this cabal except to say it’s probably not who you’re imagining, unless you’re thinking about Quakers, in which case – wait, wait, I’ve said too much. Too bad there’s no way to “delete” characters that make up these words, but I think I can trust your candor.
Anyway, this cabal has reached out to you to make you a deal, because they have been watching you. A lot. And they noticed that occasionally you get in some automotive jams, like getting impounded because your registration has run out or you’re getting a speeding ticket or running into a mailbox or sideswiping a cop car or whatever.
The cabal has pledged to get you out of any automotive-related fuckup, no matter how bad: everything from parking tickets to a drunken attempt to make a new drive-through window in a Schlotzsky’s Deli with the front of your car. Whatever it is, they’ll make it go away.
There is, of course, a cost. The cabal also controls The Algorithm that decides what things you see, and they know embarrassing content always clicks. So, every time they have to help you, they cause something embarrassing about you to go viral online. And it will be embarrassing. But, knowing how the internet works, you’ll probably only be the main character for a few weeks. But that’s better than having a terrible DUI on your record, right?
Right?
Okay, so what’s it going to be? Any car you want, but it summons a pack of goats into being somewhere, or getting away with any automotive fuck-up, at the risk of a video of you trying and failing to masturbate (or something similar) going viral online! Choose wisely!
Literal Car Swapping Or A Magic Night With The Tire Man: Automotive Would You Rather
Automotive Would You Rather: Spark Plug Of Truth Or The Savior Sandwich Of Arizona
Automotive Would You Rather: Specific Car Model Teleporting Or Over-The-Air-Mental Updates
I love goats,and I love cars. Bring it on.
Rule 1: always wait 5 minutes before getting into the car to allow for goats spawned over bodies of water to drown before trying again.
Rule 2: all occupants must always be wearing this when driving
Rule 3: have all notifications turned on for #goats, #paranormal
Is there a limit to how many cars (and resulting goats) I can generate? Taking global poverty rates vs landmass there is a decent chance that these goats end up near someone who needs them! It would really be a moral duty to go out to the desert and start imaging as many cars as possible, all day long, every day.
Eventually NASA and the FBI would make the connection between the huge spike in global RGOs (random goat occurrences) and the ever-growing (yet randomly shrinking) vehicle wastelands of Nevada that is now a tourist attraction. Butchers and shops offer goat trade-in programs. I would be placed under government care as the most important human on Earth, while I spend the rest of my life bestowing the gift of goat across the globe.
Mmm, Schlotzsky’s…I miss their pre-bankruptcy sandwiches.
And I think I would choose the goats. Maybe they would spawn close enough that I could pet one?
Well, I’ll have you know I DO have some sausage placating skills, thankyouverymuch. (Insert wink here.) That said, I voted for the goats. See, if I can round up the random goats, I can build myself a little herd and use them as a business opportunity. Goats are very good natural weed control and many places will pay good money to bring in a herd of goats to munch away their unwanted vegetation. So I will simply wish a truck and trailer into existence, collect my goats, and file for a business license. Thank you, Kol-Ba-Sa!
There’s a joke referencing someone’s mother somewhere here:
There are also different opinions but I think Automotive Would You Rathers are fun and delightful part of Autopian.
Is the embarrassing viral story about me going to be true? Or is it just crazy, made-up nonsense.
“_______ had his debit card declined at the local supermarket and had to put all his food back”
is a lot different than
“_______ was found naked in a storage unit with a bunch of goats and a 55-gallon drum of lube”
I’ll let you decide which is the made-up nonsense.
Totally the debit card thing. No way that would ever happen. The goat thing though…
Goats, but I don’t see how it would be usable. Imagine driving 60 MPH down the interstate and your car disappears. That would be deadly.
Exactly what I was thinking, but if you’re only doing 60 there’s probably someone tailgating you so you’ll immediately be run over.
Goats!
I would rather have any other of your many creative article formats.
The World’s Worst series is great!